I blacked out for 2 weeks

[u/candle-face]

After 5 months of not drinking, everything finally got so good. I finally got a place of my own, I had a full time job with tons of overtime. I felt like I could handle it. When I finally picked up the bottle again I completely blacked out for 2 weeks straight. I called out of work and the crazy part is that they were willing to work with me as long as I kept checking in. I was too drunk to remember. My husband tells me that he tried to get me to go back to work and I flat out said no, that I shouldn’t have to work. We ran out of money, right before rent was due so now we’re scrambling to make ends meet. Bless his heart he tells me that everything will be okay because I always bounce back but obviously I can’t ever touch the shit again. I fucking cut off all of my hair and don’t remember it. I even tried to stop cold turkey and for the first time had visual and audible hallucinations. The thing I remember most vividly about that experience was how the voices were so fucking mean and vile. I just remember walking around my house trying to stay awake because I knew the nightmares were coming and I wasn’t used to them like I was when I drank for 4 years straight. My mind couldn’t handle it. So I stayed awake and eventually when I went to sleep I felt my heartbeat slow down and woke up coughing and gagging. I literally felt my pulse rising as I regained consciousness. I’ve hit rock bottom. Again. And this time I have everything to lose. The only thing keeping me going is my amazing husband. He’s been here pretty much throughout the worst of everything I’ve been through in my adult life. And I deeply feel like I don’t deserve him. But he tells me it’s just a disease. He knows it’s not me. The anxiety of all of this is eating me alive. I feel like I’ve officially fried my brain and I can’t get out of this. I’m sorry for the rant I just wanted some place to vent. This is extremely eye opening. Nothing like I’ve ever known before. This is it. It has to stop.

[u/mactigerrr]

Every time I ever had the audio hallucinations it was like you said. It was voices I knew, like my husband or my parents, saying the most vile and mean things to me imaginable. Like confirming my worst fears. It was so real and so loud. One time I kept waking my husband up and and asking him why he was saying such mean things to me. Poor thing couldn't get any sleep if I was trying to sleep because I was in nightmare city.

[u/candle-face → u/mactigerrr]

My honey works night shift so I was essentially alone in the night throughout all of this and would be terrified when he came home after I’ve been up all night seeing shadows, him in the kitchen, and hearing his voice all night. Horrifying time.