r/texts • u/rasatti • 2d ago

Tinder DMs From a "dating" app..

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I ran a few "social experiments" on dating apps a year/couple years ago. The experience turned me off from wanting to interact with men for a long long time. This is from the time of the experiments. This is actually very tame.

Edit: To preface, I didnt go into the experiments purely with the intentions of them being experiments. It started out as "what would happen if i did xyz, what can i change to get better matches, why am I not getting people who are serious about relationships when i have explicitly stated I am only looking for a long term relationship". As time went on I realized how bad, sinister, and disgusting things really were.

I felt like it was too complicated and drawn out to explain the experiments. It was a while ago and i dont remember everything from all of them. And for more info Id need to share info i dont want to but this is the summary:

Profile 1: "fairy/nerd"/ who i actually am aesthetic: Ren faire pics, pics of my video game collection, cute pic of me with natural makeup. No body pics other than the stereotypical modest ren faire dress w corset.

Profile 2: "princess" aesthetic: nicer clothes, light pink outfits, a pretty red dress.

Profile 3: dark alternative aesthetic (men would frequently call this goth or emo..) literally just black clothing, fishnets and black eyeliner. Black shirt, Grey cargo skirt, fishnets and black combat boots.

The bio on the profiles was roughly the same, "looking for long term only" was a constant. I would change the rest of it every now and then. Although I dont think men actually read the bio and if they do, they disregard it if it doesn't fit their wants.

Hypothesis: 1)men who use dating apps have commitment issues due to the nature and algorithm of dating apps. Which gives men the mindset of always looking for something better and moving on from someone they have could have a real connection with for a chance with "something better", rinse and repeat to keep app usage. 2) men arent looking to date on these apps and they all just want to fuck. 3) The aesthetic i present myself with changes how men view me, and thus, treat me.

All of the above is true from the results of my experiments. Profile 1 got a mix of good looking and bad looking likes/matches but the ones that actually pursued were red flags or made incorrect assumptions about me ( like I would be an easy fuck or i had no standards)

Profile 2 got less bad looking likes/ matches and treated/ spoken to better overall, but total matches were less and generally i was not pursued by those that would be good matches.

Profile 3 was the most polarizing. Got a ton of likes/matches but ALL of them were only interested in sex. Only sex. It didnt matter what I said in my bio or how mean I was in chat. They all wanted to fuck. In fact, I could be mean and they liked it. Buy got no respect. I did not go on any dates with them because none of them were worth the effort. Most of them would say "come over" almost immediately. Many of them completely expected me to just go over to a strangers house and fuck them. Many of them would become aggressive when I said no. Pretty sure I spoke to at least a couple murderers. (Ones who REALLY wanted me to come to their house after a 5 min text exchange, or meet them at a hiking trail or something and didnt want to hear "No". Actually kinda scary)

Working Theory: 1)men who use dating apps will usually have commitment issues due to the nature and algorithm of dating apps. Which gives men the mindset of always looking for something better and moving on from someone they have could have a real connection with for a chance with "something better", rinse and repeat to keep app usage. This combined with porn afflictions affects their brains in multiple ways in relationships.

2) men arent really looking to date on these apps and 99% just want to fuck. I think even with profile 2 the men who pursued me "respectfully" just wanted to fuck and got bored when it didnt happen after 2 dates.

3) The aesthetic women present with changes how men view them/us, and thus, differences in treatment.

4) the closer you are to a porn category, the more men will disrespect you and treat you like a sex toy/ sex object. Conversely, if you do not fit into a porn category, like profile 1, men do not find you as attractive or "want" you as much as the one that fits into the porn category (profile 3) I think this is because of men's need for approval from other men.

5) the sweeter you look, the more men think you are stupid.

6) another element i played with in profile 2 and 3 was job optics. If i put a high paying job (Software QA) with profile 2, matches slowed and conversations fizzled out. In profile 3, I dont think they were actually reading anything, combined with not seeing me as a "viable" partner for a relationship, so for the most part it didnt really seem to matter. A few people asked me what it was and that was about it.

7)the more men think of you as a sex object, the more dangerous it is for a woman to say No.

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195

u/backlawa75 2d ago

Mfs will write this and then complain about the "male loneliness epidemic"

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u/ABirdJustShatOnMyEye 2d ago

Doubtful. The male loneliness epidemic doesn’t exist either - it’s not gender specific. Men and women are both trending upwards in regard to loneliness.

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u/grantgarden 2d ago

There's only one gender that birches about it constantly though

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u/Parenthisaurolophus 2d ago edited 2d ago

Gee, a gendered, sexist society in a species with known sexual dimorphism results in the genders not acting and thinking the same? Crazy!

Case in point downvoters, stigma against loneliness has been documented since the 80s. Men, even when the only change is the label of lonely are more harshly rated. They're seen as less warm, more maladjusted, less likeable. It's similar to weight in women. People see a fat woman and assume she's lazy, less competent, lacks willpower, etc.

Society treats them differently, so they act differently. And just like with weight, there's it's a socially acceptable bias to have and show in public. He's lonely? He must be a loser piece of shit incel!

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u/ABirdJustShatOnMyEye 2d ago

This is correct and not even controversial. Not sure why you got the downvotes lol

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u/Parenthisaurolophus 2d ago

It's probably the sarcastic tone mocking people for their lack of self-awareness of a basic fact that pisses in the metaphorical cheerios of them wanting to be prejudicial as a way of venting.

I'm being the debbie downer to their "I just want to have fun and express righteous anger".

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u/Cute_Coyote_9821 1d ago

Well you are really not self-righteous. 

Nobody calls men incels just because they are genuinely lonely. I am a guy and lonely and never been called incel in my entire life, even when expressing my loneliness, because i am genuinely lonely i.e no friends or siblings or partner to spend time with. 

This whole male-"loneliness" is not about genuine loneliness, it's about men not getting laid and hating women for that. Loneliness becomes just cover up for the hatred. People like you only bring it up when it's a talk about dating or gender-war. And when people call you out on your bs, you run for "yOu hAtE lOnElY mEn" defence,  and that people who downvote you ""just want to have fun and express righteous anger"",  and some fool falls for your stupid switch-up

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u/snaglbeez 2d ago

Don’t both genders bitch about it constantly? “Men are trash” and all that?

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u/grantgarden 2d ago

Men are trash is about taking oneself out of the dating pool and NOT being upset about it

Men complain that women don't want them. A lot.

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u/Equivalent-Shape6158 1d ago

Honestly I seen more women and men being happily single. Not online. However in real life. Yes. Although I do live in one of the most populated cities.

They are not ruling out relationships completely however they are not out there actively looking for one… and they have massive glow ups because they are putting all that focus and attention back to themselves. My friends who have been in long term relationships and marriages look worn out and unfulfilled. Also a lot of drama!

I been single for 6 years by choice. Haven’t been on any date in 2 and half years. And I feel more fulfilled and at peace. Also not ruling it out completely however will have to bring more value than the current state I am in.

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u/FanDowntown9880 2d ago

Goomba fallacy

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u/SpinzArt 2d ago

Normally yeah, but in this case it’s a lot of the same people who will say gross shit to/about women and then complain about the loneliness epidemic as if it’s their fault

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u/FanDowntown9880 2d ago

No I dont think it is

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u/SpinzArt 2d ago

Agree to disagree I suppose, I’m just basing it off my Chronically Online exposure to this sort of thing

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u/Parenthisaurolophus 2d ago

Well the actual research on the subject, which is very easy to find if you actually care about having evidence based opinions, says that both genders are lonely in about the same quantities and for the same reasons. The poor economic situation playing a major part as well as phones and the internet allowing for infinite distraction. No third spaces, have to spend money to go somewhere, have to spend money on food or drinks, etc. So if you're struggling, dating has become less economically viable. And it's very easy to go home and doom scroll or watch hours of streaming shows for the price of a single meal out per month.

We've been studying this since the 80's. People have a bias against people who admit to being lonely and men are more harshly rated on the subject. In fact, the gender mirror for this is weight, with women being more harshly viewed as having negative traits if they're overweight. You're just seeing men and women find a gendered, socially acceptable stigma they can use, and wholeheartedly picking that up to further division, hatred, and bias in the world.

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u/SpinzArt 1d ago

Oh gosh, I didn’t mean for it to be interpreted as Nobody is lonely and Everyone who talks about an epidemic is, to put it bluntly, a sexist asshole! I actually agree with pretty much everything you said, I’m a very lonely (and fat) woman myself so it really resonates with me, and I empathize deeply with any other lonely people regardless of gender, just not a fan of the ones who, at least online, commonly blame X for Y and act very bitter about it. I wish I were less chronically anxious (and otherwise mentally ill) so I could put myself out there, but it’s not exactly the easiest thing to fix. The third space thing especially pisses me off. Would be nice to maybe just sit there and people watch, expose myself to Being in Public, ah?

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u/Elusidator 2d ago

Don't bother. I posted a comment about how dating apps commodify dating and exist to keep people coming back to the app. They're in the middle of a men bad circle jerk but don't want to admit that both genders have a part to play in why online dating is the way it is.

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u/SpinzArt 1d ago

No I totally agree with you, dating apps are actual fucking ass for anyone who isn’t the most attractive person alive (in my opinion). For the most part, I in fact think Men Good! Good and cuddleable, in theory at least 😔 never in practice, but lord willing that will change

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u/Elusidator 1d ago

I'm sorry, I wasn't talking about you specifically but the comments section in general. OOP went into this "experiment" with preconceived notions and biases. Then everyone in the comments is praising OOP for her "experiment" when it completely fails at following anything approaching the scientific method and just confirms the biases women have about the dating scene. This entire post puts the entire issue with online dating on men and any comments criticizing the methodology or findings is being downvoted. That's not how studies or experiments work. That's why I'm calling the post and comments section a men bad circlejerk. Instead of focusing on the gender war like this post is maybe we should be focusing on the class war that affects all of us that aren't billionaires.

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u/SpinzArt 1d ago

Yeah, I’ve noticed pretty much every post like this ends up in either a Men Bad or Women Bad circlejerk, 50/50 on which way it’s gonna go. Very tiring, I’m also commonly a target in the latter case (I am regrettably very overweight)

It’s so dumb

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u/Parenthisaurolophus 2d ago

Eh, I'll keep at it because i see this ideology spread very clearly from internet bubbles circlejerk bubbles aimed at women and progressives to my real life friends. These are opinions and views I see real people believe in, spread etc. It has real world consequences. People do need a wake up call that their algorithms are feeding into their subconscious biases and they're not recognizing it, or don't care because it doesn't effect them.

Watching performative feminists who clearly see themselves as good, moral, ethical people with an online following repurpose the "poisoned skittles argument" from neo-nazis about the black community to women and men has been disheartening. The man vs bear argument is just an evolution of that. All of it having it's roots in actual nazi propaganda, and seeing people woefully unaware of what they're saying or appropriating makes it necessary.

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u/Elusidator 2d ago

Yeah, good luck with that. I keep trying to tell people that this men vs women gender war is a distraction to keep us divided against each other. It's the same thing that the right does with transgender people and immigrants to create division. People in the comments are acting as if it's some revelation that dating apps are full of people wanting easy sex or that how you present yourself changes how people treat you.

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u/backlawa75 2d ago

Koopa fallacy

Source: i have worked with men and heard all their gross opinions

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u/CorneliusClay 2d ago

Worked in what capacity, with whom, gross opinions such as?

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u/CF_2 2d ago

I hate when y'all keep saying this, it doesn't apply 99 percent of the time.

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u/ABirdJustShatOnMyEye 2d ago

Applies pretty cleanly here.

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u/FanDowntown9880 2d ago

Except it does. People on the internet are hellbent on insisting that other people on the internet are just stupid walking contradictions when the more reasonable assumption is just that its actually different people saying different things, especially when you consider how many different people you see on social media

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u/nanabroski 2d ago

If you're basing loneliness with the ability to get a girl and being a decent person idk what to tell you, that's just.. not true? Loneliness isn't based on meritocracy lmfao

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

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u/IsopodOk4756 2d ago

Nobody is guaranteed a life partner. If you’re a piece of shit, you will be cast aside and can age and die alone.

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u/roscoeSteele_ 1d ago

oh like all the 'prize' 40 year old women crying on tik tok about being lonely? lol

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u/IsopodOk4756 1d ago

What a way to describe another human. Seek therapy.

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u/roscoeSteele_ 1d ago

you just described a person as a 'piece of shit' and are clutching pearls over the way i describe humans lol

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u/lemonlimesherbet 2d ago

You aren’t entitled to anyone’s company, male or female. If you talk to women like this, they have every right to “cast you out”.

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u/But-I-Still-Remember 2d ago

Just World fallacy.

The men who write that aren't lonely, he wrote that line because it has consistently worked for them in the past.

If it didn't work, they wouldn't use it.

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

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