Tinder DMs From a "dating" app..
I ran a few "social experiments" on dating apps a year/couple years ago. The experience turned me off from wanting to interact with men for a long long time. This is from the time of the experiments. This is actually very tame.
Edit: To preface, I didnt go into the experiments purely with the intentions of them being experiments. It started out as "what would happen if i did xyz, what can i change to get better matches, why am I not getting people who are serious about relationships when i have explicitly stated I am only looking for a long term relationship". As time went on I realized how bad, sinister, and disgusting things really were.
I felt like it was too complicated and drawn out to explain the experiments. It was a while ago and i dont remember everything from all of them. And for more info Id need to share info i dont want to but this is the summary:
Profile 1: "fairy/nerd"/ who i actually am aesthetic: Ren faire pics, pics of my video game collection, cute pic of me with natural makeup. No body pics other than the stereotypical modest ren faire dress w corset.
Profile 2: "princess" aesthetic: nicer clothes, light pink outfits, a pretty red dress.
Profile 3: dark alternative aesthetic (men would frequently call this goth or emo..) literally just black clothing, fishnets and black eyeliner. Black shirt, Grey cargo skirt, fishnets and black combat boots.
The bio on the profiles was roughly the same, "looking for long term only" was a constant. I would change the rest of it every now and then. Although I dont think men actually read the bio and if they do, they disregard it if it doesn't fit their wants.
Hypothesis: 1)men who use dating apps have commitment issues due to the nature and algorithm of dating apps. Which gives men the mindset of always looking for something better and moving on from someone they have could have a real connection with for a chance with "something better", rinse and repeat to keep app usage. 2) men arent looking to date on these apps and they all just want to fuck. 3) The aesthetic i present myself with changes how men view me, and thus, treat me.
All of the above is true from the results of my experiments. Profile 1 got a mix of good looking and bad looking likes/matches but the ones that actually pursued were red flags or made incorrect assumptions about me ( like I would be an easy fuck or i had no standards)
Profile 2 got less bad looking likes/ matches and treated/ spoken to better overall, but total matches were less and generally i was not pursued by those that would be good matches.
Profile 3 was the most polarizing. Got a ton of likes/matches but ALL of them were only interested in sex. Only sex. It didnt matter what I said in my bio or how mean I was in chat. They all wanted to fuck. In fact, I could be mean and they liked it. Buy got no respect. I did not go on any dates with them because none of them were worth the effort. Most of them would say "come over" almost immediately. Many of them completely expected me to just go over to a strangers house and fuck them. Many of them would become aggressive when I said no. Pretty sure I spoke to at least a couple murderers. (Ones who REALLY wanted me to come to their house after a 5 min text exchange, or meet them at a hiking trail or something and didnt want to hear "No". Actually kinda scary)
Working Theory: 1)men who use dating apps will usually have commitment issues due to the nature and algorithm of dating apps. Which gives men the mindset of always looking for something better and moving on from someone they have could have a real connection with for a chance with "something better", rinse and repeat to keep app usage. This combined with porn afflictions affects their brains in multiple ways in relationships.
2) men arent really looking to date on these apps and 99% just want to fuck. I think even with profile 2 the men who pursued me "respectfully" just wanted to fuck and got bored when it didnt happen after 2 dates.
3) The aesthetic women present with changes how men view them/us, and thus, differences in treatment.
4) the closer you are to a porn category, the more men will disrespect you and treat you like a sex toy/ sex object. Conversely, if you do not fit into a porn category, like profile 1, men do not find you as attractive or "want" you as much as the one that fits into the porn category (profile 3) I think this is because of men's need for approval from other men.
5) the sweeter you look, the more men think you are stupid.
6) another element i played with in profile 2 and 3 was job optics. If i put a high paying job (Software QA) with profile 2, matches slowed and conversations fizzled out. In profile 3, I dont think they were actually reading anything, combined with not seeing me as a "viable" partner for a relationship, so for the most part it didnt really seem to matter. A few people asked me what it was and that was about it.
7)the more men think of you as a sex object, the more dangerous it is for a woman to say No.
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u/Tie_Viper 1d ago edited 1d ago
Wild. I met my previous and current partner of going on seven years on a dating app. I got pretty lucky. The results of your experiments honestly don’t surprise me much now that I’m thinking on it, and unfortunately gives support to the generalized statement that men are trash. I wish collectively us men were better than that. Y’all certainly deserve better, that’s for sure.
I’m sorry that that was your experience, OP. If it makes any difference, the app that I had the best luck with was OkCupid. Assuming it hasn’t changed, you aren’t limited on characters for your profile so you can be as verbose and explicit about what is important for you as you need. There are questions you can answer about what you are looking for (they also have a additional spot to elaborate on your answers should that be necessary) and answering them publicly lets you see what others answers to that question are. Also you can send one message to someone without being a paid subscriber.
All of those things were great for putting myself out there to the group of people most likely to be compatible with me. Should you still want to look, that should go a long way towards getting rid of a good chunk of the trash out there.
I have a decently neuro-spicy brain though, so I’m probably not anywhere close to what the “average guy” is like. Again I’m sorry that guys are pretty terrible overall. I don’t think they deserve a significant other or any intimacy at all if they can’t bother themselves to actually have respect for their potential partner.