r/texts • u/aggravated-asphalt • 1d ago
Phone message Last text from my sister
She was only 18. I was 25. I never met her in person. I tried, I had a ticket for a train to meet her. That ticket ended up being used to go to her funeral. She died that night. Took her own life. I should have just fucking called her.
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u/werisefromourashes 1d ago
If you had you would blame yourself for not saying the right things, because I doubt a phone call would have fixed whatever issues she had going on.
I am sorry this happened to her, and I am sorry that you are carrying so much guilt.
If there is an afterlife she knows you cared, and she knows you wish you could have helped.
I wish you peace OP.
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u/terraunited 1d ago
I like to imagine the people I have lost as being rid of all their earthly pains and finally able to fully embody most peaceful and loving selves.
It has done a lot for my healing journey
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u/barbzilla1 1d ago
I'm sorry to hear that OP, I'm currently dealing with one of my close friends doing the same. I feel you on blaming yourself, but you really shouldn't. And that's coming from somebody that's having difficulties stopping blaming himself as well. But I do know that it was a choice that my friend made, and whatever the circumstances were, I know I wasn't really responsible for them. You are in the same boat, it hurts and we're looking for reasoning because if we have somebody to blame it would feel easier, just do your best to remember what was good and learn to forgive.
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u/aggravated-asphalt 1d ago
The first couple years were rough, but you’re right. That phone call most likely would have been a subtle goodbye and not something I could have prevented or even picked up on. My therapist said it’s the hind sight, like now you know and think you should have then, but how could you? She made up her mind. I just hate that she was ever in that mindset. It’s been almost a decade, which in itself is crazy, but I still get these moments where I forget she isn’t just a text away. I miss her. I wish she knew how much I would miss her, and sometimes I feel like I’m at fault for not telling her enough. Ugh. At least she taught me to tell my loved ones that I love them every chance I get, and really mean it.
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u/barbzilla1 1d ago
That's all you really can do is take the lessons that life gives you and adjust accordingly. Anyway, you have my sympathy, it sucks no matter what the situation.
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u/Mcjackee 1d ago
Another perspective to consider is you’d likely feel the same if you had called her. I spoke w my sister the night she died by suicide and I have the same regrets and “what-if”s that haunt me.
I think it’s just one of those things that there isn’t a lot of space for anything other than regret and hindsight, no matter what you did or what happened, you’ll always wonder if THIS little change could have had the big effect of keeping them here another day
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u/ci-yote_kate 1d ago
Hey just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my father (who was also my best friend) a year ago. He asked to speak to me right before he died. I responded with a passive text and didn’t call. It’s something that has haunted me for some time and still does in my vulnerable moments.
I just wanted to say that over time it hasn’t gotten easier necessarily, but my thoughts of guilt have subsided some, and I am reminded of pleasant memories more than negative ones now.
I just wanted to offer support and let you know that you’re not alone, I feel you, you can get through this, and I sincerely wish you the best.
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u/terraunited 1d ago
It wasn’t your fault, there is no way you could have known, you did the best you could.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My best friend’s sister, who was basically my little sister, killed herself at 18 and it doesn’t get easier, but your capacity for love will grow.
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u/aggravated-asphalt 1d ago
Our dad had just died and she was close to him, I personally haven’t seen him since I was around 3 but she grew up with him around. She loved him. I didn’t feel much when he died but she did. She was in foster care most of her life, I remember him and his wife calling my mom and asking her to take her. She was already a broke single mom raising my brother and I so she couldn’t.
I got in contact with her through one of her foster fams when she was 10. She liked rainbows and platypuses so I embroidered a little purse with them on it. I collected sand for her in little jars from all the beaches I went to near me (ca coast). I used my employee discount at American eagle to send her a bunch of clothes. I saved up for two years to get a ticket from California to Ontario. We talked almost every night on the phone. I just wish I got to meet her and see her face in person. And I also have some hate for my dad and her mom for just… leaving her. It sucks, sorry for the rant, I just miss her even though I didn’t know her in person.
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u/terraunited 1d ago
It sounds like you added love and softness to her life in a beautiful way, even without ever meeting in person.
All the feelings make sense, grief is complicated.
Would you be open to some grief counseling? It helped me a lot throughout my life as I’ve lost people.
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u/aggravated-asphalt 1d ago
It all happened so fast that honestly I kinda shut off those feelings for a long time. I tried grief counseling with little trust but it’s helped and I still go to this day. It’s helpful but doesn’t erase the guilt.
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u/Adventurous-Sand150 1d ago
I am so sorry for your loss. Don't try to blame yourself too much for it. It is not your fault.
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u/SweetenedArugula 1d ago
My partner died by suicide. I continually revisit the fact that he asked me if I wanted to put off visiting my father to finish watching a show with him. I said that I really had to get some things done at my dad’s, but we’d watch it when I got back.
I was there. Physically. And I left. I didn’t know. I don’t now how I could have known but part of me thinks I should have.
It’s been a lot of work to not blame myself anymore.
Please be kind to yourself.
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u/AltruisticRide1231 1d ago
"Life is difficult"
~M Scott Peck
deaths of despair are the hardest for me to accept. i'm still haunted by friends who died decades ago. i wish you well OP.
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u/aggravated-asphalt 22h ago
That’s what makes it so hard for me too, like an accident would feel easier. Still sad, but more of a universe did it type of way. But knowing she hurt so much in her heart just kills me. She was a good kid and didn’t deserve what she was given. I wish she could have seen her 20s, 30s, 40s etc… She was a fantastic and empathetic person. I don’t think she hated anyone on earth. She was good, she worried about others, she took in animals and she trusted easily, to a fault of her own. I just wish shit was different.
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u/AltruisticRide1231 18h ago
uggh! i am so sorry. knowing that some of my dearest friends got to the dark place where turning off their torment made sense to them makes me ache. i can still see their smiles and hear their distinct laughter. and, i know it could have been me. i'm still here and do my best to live a good life for me in their honor. peace mate.
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u/CDP94 19h ago
I see some people have been more direct with their advice, and it's really good advice. But I'd like to be more compassionate. While I cannot empathize with this exact situation, my mother passed away in 2019 as well.
She was in a relationship with a man who took advantage of her, got her back into drinking, which she had been sober from, and then didn't care for her like she needed. One of the last conversations I had with her before her passing was her crying to me about how he doesn't tell her that he loves her anymore. At the time, I was angry with her for allowing herself to fall back into addiction so I gave her very minimal support. Well... she passed and the guilt I had was consuming. How could I let my mother pass away without knowing how loved she was?
Her death anniversary was yesterday. After 7 years, I still live with a small amount of guilt. Like you have said to everyone, you know it isn't your fault. And I know it isn't mine with my mom. But logic and reason do not always agree with our hearts. I can logically tell myself that I did nothing wrong. But my heart yearns to make sure she knows how loved she was.
There is nothing in this text exchange that signified her dark thoughts. That's the logical way of thinking of this. But your love for her wants to believe there was something that could be done. One of the most important things you need to do is to be kind to yourself. There is nothing that you could have done. You have done nothing wrong. You loved her, you were trying to be with her, and you were doing everything you could to make that happen.
If you find the guilt becoming too much and it is affecting your day to day life, that is when it is important for you to seek help. You are here and alive and that is nothing to be guilty about. Live for you, and live a little harder for her if you can. But no matter what, find ways to be kinder to yourself. The greatest disservice to her memory would be to allow yourself to fall into darkness as well.
I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey, and I am truly sorry for your loss. Be well. 🩵
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u/lomein2790 1d ago
Wait how have u never met her in person if she’s ur sister
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u/fightmydemonswithme 1d ago
As someone who has tried, none of this is your fault. This is a culmination of pain and suffering, nothing you did or didn't do.
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u/Pure_Screen879 1d ago
Dealing with the same. I feel a lot of guilt. It sucks. 10 years later and it still sucks. I’m so sorry. The guilt destroys me.
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u/Thick-Tea7495 1d ago
Hey OP I feel for you man, but don't beat yourself up over this. I went through a similar deal, I avoided going to my sister's birthday party. As I always did for family events just for her to pass away a week later. The night before, she finally checked my last sent message but never responded. The next morning I woke up to the phone call from my dad.
I hate myself for not going to her birthday party. But some day I hope to forgive myself for it.
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u/Technical-Ad4462 1d ago
I had this happen with a friend. He messaged me randomly about all the personal issues he was having. But it was real late in the a.m. and I decided I would answer him in the morning. I woke up really late past my alarm the next morning, and decided I would get situated at work first before I replied. He had already taken his own life. Hurts to the core. I can only imagine it is even worse being your sister. Especially given what you both have been through to be able to get to eachother. I am so incredibly sorry. Please dont blame yourself in any way💜 it takes time but you will be ok 🫂 if you guys have someone in common that you both know, maybe reach out to them and talk about her. Ask them to tell you nice memories of her.💜
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u/Embarrassed-Climate7 1d ago
I am so very sorry for your loss, to echo what everyone else has said, it is truly not your fault. A close family member gave some bad warning signs once, I went to him immediately, spent a few days with him, heard enough encouraging things from him that I finally went home to get some sleep, he OD'd before I even got home. He survived but that had absolutely nothing to do with if I was there or not, same with the attempt itself. He had the plans, and the means and took the first chance he had. Sometimes all we can do is put up a roadblock or two and still make no difference. That powerlessness is perhaps one of the hardest parts to reconcile. I'm really glad you've sought counselling, and I hope the wound doesn't always weigh as heavily.
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u/Betabeardblock 1d ago
Just want to say that I love you. I have had too many people in my life that have decided this route. Give yourself grace. It has absolutely nothing to do with you.
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u/Unusual_Bug_8679 1d ago
You couldn’t have known and nobody can live their life worrying that people are going to die any time soon. You can’t blame yourself.
Truth is, we don’t have as much control as we think. None of us
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u/Aventinium 1d ago
Very sorry for your loss.
Was this posted because she would have been the same age as you were when this happened?
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u/PrettyZone7952 1d ago
Delete the conversation, forgive yourself, and move forward with your life.
There is no going back.
Just try to cherish the people in your life moving forward.
Live a life of kindness and compassion in her memory.
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u/Remarkable-Clock-201 21h ago
It would eat me up inside if I were to busy to take that call.
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u/aggravated-asphalt 19h ago
Worst part is she didn’t say yes until the next day, when I was already in bed. If I knew, I would have called. Sucks.
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u/narco-sub-admiral 1d ago
Wait what do you mean you never met her in person? your sister?
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u/aggravated-asphalt 1d ago
How is that a concept people can’t grasp? My dad left and moved countries, then had a daughter with another woman who is not my mom. So I never met my sister, who was also in foster care most of her childhood. I haven’t seen my dad since I was around three and the only time I talked to him since that was when his sister was about to pull the plug and I said goodbye.
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u/mei-meng 1d ago
Why are you being so rude? Sorry that the majority of people have met their siblings 😭?
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u/western_drifter 1d ago
They aren’t being rude at all and it was kind of an insensitive (and dumb) question. Your reply to them is also a bit dumb and insensitive, calling them rude for being frustrated by a dumb question with an obvious answer when OP is obviously dealing with grief right now and maybe feeling more than a little on edge. Now I am being rude right now. But I also don’t care. Don’t be so soft.
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u/st0k3r_ 1d ago
Its not a dumb question, "I have never met my sister in person" is just a ridiculous concept
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u/western_drifter 1d ago
Really? Because it's every day reality for a large part of the worlds population and not even close to uncommon, something that’s obvious to most with two seconds of thought. Not everyone’s life is like your own, also something obvious to most people with two seconds of thought and a bit of empathy.
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u/Funkymunkynl 1d ago
What ifs and i should have are just a waste of energy and time.
Those text and can i call you could never be interpreted as a distress text..
Most people die while having plans for tomorrow..
Live and just remember her from time to times