After being fired 3 weeks ago, I finally have a job interview Monday, and I'm considering going to said job interview while fem presenting. After coming to terms with being trans during my first job, and mostly coming out during my second, I want to be straight forward with who I am, but I'm worried being openly trans could fuck over my chances of getting hired. Now fair, I have gone there while presenting, including when I asked for and turned in my application, but there's a difference between presenting in a brief interaction as a customer and presenting as a potential new hire, especially since I used my legal name instead of my chosen name. I'm just not sure if I should go through with doing it.

For reference, Im a trans man who's 18 yrs old, never had lasting friendships, talk about relationships my entire life, almost all of my social interactions have the looming fear of rejection because of my gender identity, and so I kept to myself most of my teenage life.

The other week I tried to make a friend, me, him and his girlfriend hung out today and it went pretty well...at least I think so. Im just scared because Ive almost never made friends i actually planned on keeping. Everyone i interact with have an expiration date because of the pattern ive made throughout the years. It feels suffocating, i feel like they dont like me, that Im weird, I just want to run away like none of this happened.

Im afraid that I acted weird, or that they could notice just how socially deprived i am. I dont want to come off as desperate, but i also dont want to come off as distant.

I dont know when my mind is playing tricks on me, on top of that I have ocd and i obsess even more over my fears. Its a cursed circle i cant seem to handle and I feel inadequate in being anyones friend. I just feel like i wasnt cut out for any of this

I saw someone bragging about being transandrophobic to their newly out trans son and everyone is encouraging them in the comments. I see this everywhere I go, everyone is fine with hurting people like me and everyone seems to encourage it. When I first came out my parent told me that I would always be a daughter and that I should give up and nobody would ever accept me. I struggled through years of transphobic abuse at home and at school I was called slurs, I was neglected at home, I was abused.. for 5 years I clung to being myself but one day I realized nobody would ever see me and everyone around me kept saying id always be a girl, I wanted to be a femboy and still like the things I liked, I was told I couldn't go on hormones, I was told I didn't know what I wanted and that I wouldn't like bottom surgery or too surgery and id regret it.

Things just got worse and worse until I finally gave up. I went back in the closet, I started doing this like strict rules and stuff that was supposed to fix my transness and if I just tried hard enough to be a girl it would go away, when I got more desperate because my at home conversion therapy wasn't working I tried going on estrogen pills hoping that they would make me feel like a girl but it was the opposite. It didn't work and I started to hope everyday that I could be caught in an accident or die suddenly so I could be reborn different, I would feel like taking a knife to my body so I could change it myself almost everyday I felt like that. I stopped feeling like I could survive, planning to make it to next year became making it to the next six months, became making it to the next month then next week, I couldn't picture a future where I was alive and I didn't really want it to come.

I followed strict rules to fix my gender and sexuality because I felt it was my duty to do this for my family anytime my dysphoria became too much I would think about how angry my family would be and realize it wasn't safe and I didn't want to be hurt again like before. Then suddenly my parent who told me to give up on being trans and who congratulated me on finding myself when I went back in the closet and started my at home conversion therapy came out as a trans woman. I did my best to show her unwavering support and help her but I felt really angry that it was ok for her and not ok for me, she started estrogen really fast, I told her I was still trans and that I needed to transition and that I felt like it wasn't fair that I couldn't and this time she said it was fine. Except when I said I needed to medically transition and that I needed to start testosterone she said I should do everything I can to not do it, that I probably wouldn't like it, that it makes people feel violent, that it turned a nice lesbian she knew into a violent person. I didn't know what to do, I thought about just killing myself because I knew I couldn't go on without testosterone and I was so afraid of becoming something that would make her hate me, but I decided I needed to do it.

Around the same time I started to try to find community online in the same places my parent recommended and I found the most hateful awful people, she didn't agree with these people who I know now are called TRFs but it didn't stop me from being effected by it and I started to notice it was in every trans space I went to just the worst most vicious transandrophobia and isomisogyny mixed with cis terf rhetoric but aimed at transmasc people only if ever seen. I felt trapped before it seemed like everyone just went along with it and I started to fear other trans people because I realized there is no guarantee anyone else is safe just because they are trans, not even other trans men were safe. It was like all the stuff I absorbed through my at home conversion therapy said right back at me by people who would then claim their identity made it ok to say and do even if they had the same identity they would claim they were doing something good for others and that made them one of the good ones. I was getting malgendered constantly by these people and I was rarely at the time gendered correctly by anyone even my parent would still misgender me and I started to associate something that once brought me joy with shame and guilt. Anytime I feel like I deserve to exist or like I deserve to be proud and happy is always undercut by this tightness in my chest and a voice in my head that tells me I'm wrong to feel like this and wrong to feel gender euphoria, even that feeling like I get to take up space and exist as a trans man means I'm somehow making the world worse like I'm some sort of gender traitor because I see other trans people say it constantly.

I want to get back to the place I was before I encountered these people, when I felt so much relief, joy and pride in being my authentic self I thought I could never be sad again. I want to take up space without feeling like my identity or the way I was born makes me inherently guilty or bad. I'm stuck on how to do this when transandrophobia is everywhere I go even in places that are supposed to be safe for all trans people it feels unavoidable. It makes me feel so hopeless. I just wish this behavior wasn't seen as so acceptable and I wish I could be me without people telling me I'm inherently wrong while claiming identity based moral superiority. I know I should not care so much about what other people say but when so many trans people tell me it my moral obligation to witness and absorb abuse like this I don't know what to do. Does anyone know how I can reclaim the feeling I deserve to exist or has experienced something similar? I want to feel gender euphoria without that tightness in my chest.

Does anybody know of any servers that are about dysphoria and coping and stuff that wouldn’t hate me for detransitioning? Because I feel like I have reverse dysphoria and tbh I hate that most spaces for detransitioners are filled with TERs and bigots who do not even belong there to begin / lying pretending to be detransitioned to try to co-opt the actual experiences and use it as a tool to beat queer ppl with and it makes me very lonely and sad. Yes I know about r/actual_detrans and I like it there! Just also looking to make friends or something. I feel like some ppl hate me for detransitioning assuming that it is inherently immoral or hateful, meanwhile what SHOULD be my community, is 99% bigots and hateful pieces of human garbage pretending bc they have nothing better to do with their sad lives. Getting hate from supposed ‘allies’ because I’m not spiteful ENOUGH and actually support transition for transgender ppl, now that’s rly something! So fucking sad to see TERs try to completely overtake an entire lived experience and the communities that should exist for it as a support space to use to feed their own, hate-filled agendas. I hate it. i feel like I have nowhere to go! Plz be nice I really don’t want to get hate for this 💖

:3

Most of the time, I'm using my personal account on this subreddit but I'm putting on my bookish hat now. I'm a transmasc nonbinary author, and my book is on sale in the US and UK for $.99 until Thursday (October 15th)!

If you're into disaster space pirates and a sentient spaceship, or just want to see a young trans guy find love and a queer family, Forest of the Stars is for you. Trans joy is everywhere, and toxic masculinity gets pummeled into the ground (sometimes literally). Ah, and the ship may be your BFF but that won't keep them from trying to hook you up with the enemy captain you're not-so-secretly crushing on.

https://www.amazon.com/Forest-Stars-Time-Book-ebook/dp/B0FVGD2TNL

Blurb:

Echo is the only trans crew member on a pirate spaceship and he's not in a good place. When the crew goes after a prize, the tables get turned around on them and they're now at the mercy of the very people they wanted to rob.

As Echo unravels the ship's secrets, he finds an unlikely friend in the ship's meddlesome sentient computer. He's never felt this accepted by strangers.

Too bad that it will all be over the moment his crew manages to leave.

Crade is the unwilling captain of an unusual spaceship. It was his best friend's (the ship's computer) idea to befriend the young pirate and try to recruit him to their own crew. Crade, however, might be developing different kinds of feelings altogether. Can he offer to tear Echo away from his world the same way Crade himself was once torn away from his?

Forest of the Stars is one part steamy sci-fi romance, one part exploration of gender and masculinity in a trans coming of age story that will take you out of this world.

If you've read this far, here is the link for you again: https://www.amazon.com/Forest-Stars-Time-Book-ebook/dp/B0FVGD2TNL

(PS: ratings and reviews make all the difference to small authors like me so if you enjoyed the book, it would mean a lot to me personally if you rated it on Amazon or Goodreads so it can get to more readers!)

Dysphoria feels diffrent for everyone so how does it feel to you oviously dont say anything if your not comfotable talking about this

Long story short i made another post here about how my friend who literally calls me her best friend and has been for years on end, i found out she has no problem with people around her being racist, homophobic and etc. Ive talked to her countless times about this. And while its true that Im not in touch with those people, it still feels icky for her to be so okay with it. Ive spoken to her about it before and all i get is that "i cant change how the world thinks", that im picky, and that "id rather her not have any other friends than me" which is absurd and i saw it as a blatant way to flip the blame on me because she herself realizes that keeping friendships like this is icky.

Im feeling exhausted and worn down, every time i talk to her i think about it and how its not a deal breaker for her to be friends with people who have outwardly expressed their transphobia towards me. (It was a one time thing when i was on call with them and they started spewing very transphobic rethoric right to my face and i was obviously upset and cant imagine how she tolerates this)

Im torn, hurt and honestly very sad. But i want to cut her off, i dont care that its been years. I dont want her to be so ignorant of me and my feelings. I thought she was a safe person since she herself is an ally. And maybe thats why it stung even more.

I cant control her and i dont want to. But her actions come with consequences. I respect myself more than i need friends who dont mind bigotry and rolling with it

Or do you think things will remain the same/get worse for us not just here online, but in real life for the upcoming years?

Or will they actually begin caring to listen to the voices of all trans people, of all types?

Looking for some possible advice/venting?

Honestly having a little bit of a dilemma, one of my younger siblings and I are queer/Trans. They are MTF and I'm nonbinary (been on T for almost a year atp) In short my sibling and I have no relationship, we havent talked in almost a year now due to poor decisions of their own. Recently I found out they had legally changed their name to Lillian..and my legal name is Lily. I don't plan on changing my name legally as it was used on a lot of legal things like my partner and I's car, mortgage, etc.

The only reason I found this out is via our mother telling me, and my sibling telling her "since they dont use Lily anymore I'm going to" (I use Alex as a nickname but most of our family still calls me Lily which is totally okay)

I'm just shocked, dissapointed, and have a lot of negative feelings towards it as it's almost like my identity is being stolen if that makes sense? And it genuinely weirds me out that they would do that considering my sibling and I do not have a relationship at all.

I'm just looking for any advice/help because I genuinely dont know what do to? I've tried reaching out to them politely wanting to have a conversation but I get met with no response every time.

Don't mind the messy room, I'm working on it

So like this lil hoe serenity decides to out me to her friends and it’s been a chain and I be getting called some cute lil slurs but it’s fine bc this has been happening since like 5th grade js in different fonts (used to be a lesbian back then till like last yr) what do I do??

Context is a comic just mentioning it/its pronouns sparking debate in the comments i probably should have stayed out of for my own sanity tbh.

but like. What the fuck? no, girl, just because youve had bad experiences with something doesnt make it a slur. stars above. this was a post about some side character liking it/its, sometimes your experiences simply are not relevant.

I’ve always been looking into taking a deep dive into transfeminist works but have always seemed to come across one too many transfeminist works that present themselves as representative of all trans people but then turns out to be blatant transmisogyny towards all trans people and exorsexism, not to mention a lot of times racist. So I’m wondering does anyone know of any transfeminist works that actually approach ‘transfeminism’ as feminism pertaining to all trans people and not focused on one specific demographic?

Maybe it's because I'm going through venlafaxine withdrawal but this really effected me. I made a post saying that no trans person is oppressing the other and certainly can't oppress cis people. This person who says they are a nonbinary trans man kept insisting that trans men are oppressing nonbinary people on the basis of gender because transmedicalist groups exist and said that I was exorsexist as fuck for saying otherwise. I don't think saying trans people are not oppressing each other and can't oppress cis people is exorsexist but apparently it is and because transmedicalist people exist, people that I don't agree with, people we were not even discussing. I've just been crying and I'm going to be honest I feel like I just want to give up on living, I don't want to be bad and if I have to not exist to not be bad then so be it. I'm tired and my life has always been fucked up and I really just don't see a point in trying anymore if there will just always be something about me that makes me inherently wrong.

I was abused for being trans, I did at home conversion therapy for years and only recently stopped and got out of that, even after coming out I couldn't accept being a trans man because everyone seemed to just hate them so I identified as nonbinary and forced myself to be more feminine than I was comfortable with because then I wouldn't be the bad thing everyone hates. I couldn't do it anymore after starting testosterone I realized I loved it and I thought long and hard and realized calling myself non-binary made me feel just as dysphoric and numb as I did before and calling myself a trans man felt right and good and I stopped feeling numb all the time and I finally felt at home with myself. I still felt so ashamed though and I constantly saw TRFs and TERFs saying awful things that made me feel guilty about just being myself. I hate myself for being this way and being this thing everyone thinks is bad, id rather die than be something inherently morally bad, then I found this place and other people who disagree with all of that and I finally started to feel proud of who and what I am and I was beginning to feel like I should be myself and not feel guilty about it.

Today I had a good day, I went outside when I usually rarely do, I went to my city LGBT center and I had a really good time and I got to ride the train home and I was feeling great. Then I got home and checked my notifications and I saw this comment on Instagram saying that trans men are oppressing nonbinary people, I hate trans TRFs but even I know they are just being mean and not oppressing me because of their gender identity, but apparently because this person encountered transmeds years ago I am now the oppressor simply because of my gender identity and the way I'm trans.

I told them I disagree and that no trans person is oppressing the other and they said that I was "exorsexist as fuck" and that I am a bigot engaging in lateral violence just like all the other trans men transmeds they have met. Nobody was even talking about transmedicalists so I don't get why they are now blaming all trans men for this, I didn't say anything exorsexist or use any exorsexist language, I didn't even talk about nonbinary people, all I said was "trans men are not oppressing others because of their gender especially not cis women by existing" apparently that's exorsexist. I don't know why but this person really got to me and I just started crying and I couldn't stop, I feel like the overwhelming message from the world is that I'm inherently bad because of who I am and I make the world worse when that's the last thing I want to do. I know I'm not being rational but I can't stop thinking that I should just stop living, I don't see a point, if everyone thinks I'm bad and everyone is going to hurt me even people who are supposed to be safe, nobody is safe, I'm never going to be safe and I'm tired of getting hurt and being afraid of other people all the time.

For years because of the way I saw other LGBT people online I was too afraid to go to the community center, I was too afraid of running into awful people there, I'm enjoying the group I've joined and I'm trying to work through my fear of other people but what's the point if shit like this is going to happen. Do I just have to accept that this person is right? Is the only way to be good to live in constant guilt about who I am? Am I really making the world worse by being here? If the answer is yes then why even stay I can't go through detransition again and I can't go through forcing myself to be feminine or a girl again I simply won't survive, if that's the only way to be good and to have a morally good identity I might as well do the world a favor and take myself out.

I feel like my whole life has been a mistake and I sometimes have hope but other times I just feel like I'm delaying the inevitable and this is one of those times, maybe I'm too sensitive and fucked up for this world. Transition has helped me immensely but I still just feel guilty constantly for being myself. I don't like the trans women and nonbinary people who I see being transandrophobic but I don't think every trans woman is oppressing me because of those people, I certainly don't want them to ever for guilty for simply existing as themselves and I would never tell them that their identities are inherently bad or make the world worse. I don't know what I did wrong to upset this person and I don't know what I can do to prove I'm not making the world worse but I honestly just feel like giving up if the thing I have to do to not be in constant unbearable physical dysphoria means I have to live in constant unbearable shame and guilt in a community filled with people who believe that I have a duty to feel that way then why do I even bother? Wouldn't it be better if I were just gone, I'm so sick of being something everyone thinks is inherently wrong.

I showed the interaction I had with this person to my parent who is a trans woman and she just said this person is arguing in bad faith and I shouldn't listen to them but now I'm just reconvinved that my existence is inherently bad and I know I can have a future and feel better logically but right now I have this crushing feeling that the only solution is non existence. I am not asking anyone here to be my therapist or convince me that I should keep living or anything I'm going to call a hotline if I don't stop feeling like this but I did want to know if this person is just being crazy and targeting me because I'm a trans man and they have had bad experiences or if this person is just factually correct and I'm the problem. I'm sorry if this is breaking any rules I read through all of them and I didn't see anything about not being allowed to discuss suicidal thoughts or ideation, I really hope I'm not breaking any kind of rules by posting this.

it’s just so tiring, all i want is video-form resources for us

​

Tw: SI, SELF HARM AND TRANSPHOBIA

I feel guilty for him, but I love my dad. We’re really close and love to hug, kiss, and show affection to each other, etc.

I’m a trans man 🇧🇷, I’m 20 years old, and I’m starting hrt in secret, pretending to be a girl, because my dysphoria was terrible.

I don’t know if he knows about me yet, if my mom told him or something like that. She made me come out when I was 17.

Yesterday, I was studying, and my 12-year-old brother went to talk to my mom about Hitler (he’s in that phase where he wants to learn about WW2); so my mom explained to him what Nazism was and mentioned the powers that be, saying that those spirits hate Jews because Jesus was Jewish, and so on. Then she started talking about ideology and said that God created man and woman, that he’s a boy because he was born with blah blah…

I started feeling really awful. It’s super dramatic, but I went to my room to cry, and, well, I have a tendency to bang my head against the wall to try to calm down. Like, I feel terrible. I didn’t choose to be trans; I didn’t choose to be born this way. I feel castrated every day. I just wanted to be a normal boy.

Then my mom came upstairs, and I started crying desperately and told her I wanted her to feel the same pain I do, that I’m in agony, that I can’t live like this, that the other young people at church don’t know what it’s like, and that I’m in a much worse situation and these aren’t the same struggles. And she told me to stop “making a fuss,” that I was being prideful for thinking I had more struggles, that if they could, she and my dad would take on my pain for me. Ironically, she gives money for tithes but won’t take me to a psychologist.

She said nothing would help me, that she wouldn’t mind if a doctor prescribed medication for me, but she didn’t want that because I’d become addicted, dependent, and would just keep increasing the dose—that it wouldn’t help because the root cause needs to be addressed, and only Jesus could do that. I shouted that I’d been trying to change since I was a child and that I’d cried out to Jesus and He hadn’t helped me, and my mother simply said that I thought God was going to solve everything with a snap of His fingers and that she believed I didn’t want to change. That she gave birth to me, that I was born a perfect little girl

at almost two in the morning. Like, I felt really awful too, because I remembered the hurtful things I’d heard at church and from her, which had come to mind when I was trying to heal myself. I still have these panic-stricken outbursts when I’m really struggling and I remember that.

Back to the point.

My dad came right after that, stayed with me, cried with me, hugged me, and stroked my hair. My mom had already walked away and swept my room because she thinks it was something spiritual or something like that and that she had to ward it off.

Afterward, we lay there together crying our eyes out, and my dad kept saying how terrible he felt seeing me like that; he started saying that he loves me and that he couldn’t bear it if anything happened to me, that he’d die for me if he had to, and I replied that I think even before that, that I loved him and didn’t want to make him suffer, and that I’d die for him too.

I asked him if I’m a disappointment to him and if he’d still love me even if I were, and he said yes.

I really don’t know whether to tell him or not. I want to tell him that I’m trans, but I feel so guilty about hurting him and making him feel like he’s lost his daughter, or that she’s died. I’m also really afraid of how he’ll react. I’m afraid he’ll see me as if I were disgusting, something bad, that he won’t accept me, etc.

I’m really afraid of losing his love. I love him so much and I don’t want to let my dad down. I mean, I love him so much. If I could, I’d try to suppress this for his sake, but I can’t. I’ve tried my whole life and haven’t been able to.

Like, my mom doesn’t accept me, and I’ve been through some tough times with her, so I can’t even say “I love you” or show affection that easily with her, but I can do that much more easily with my dad. I don’t even know if she’s jealous, but you can tell that I feel much more comfortable with my dad. I was probably traumatized by religion, my mom, and my aunt.

Like, I wanted so badly to tell him, but I’m afraid I’ll never have his affection again and that he’ll stop loving me the same way, that I won’t be accepted, etc.

Does anyone know what I should think about this whole situation? Should I tell him? I don’t know if I should. I’ve had the urge to tell him over the years, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and held back. I’m sure I’ll cry a lot when I tell him. Seriously, does anyone have any ideas?

I don’t know if I should tell him or not. At least my dad seems better than my mom. I wanted to put the context, so that is why you have a fucking long story. Uhh, having emotional breakdowns is not a good way to spend the night before the election 🥀

Like I imagine my horse telling her paddock mates: and sometimes, they just start to smell diffferently, change voice and stuff and they are the same as before but also so very different! How do they do it?!?

For context she calls me her best friend and we talk and call all the time, but she has always hung out and dated a guy who said very nasty things about my identity "if it sounds like a girl thats what im gonna call it" and so forth. I was very hurt not from him, but my friend, because hes an asshole i cant do anything about it, but she dated that person, what does this tell me? I talked to her about that multiple times and that I dont feel comfortable that she keeps making friends who are obviously and outwardly homophobic. But then she started getting lippy with me and implying im dramatizing.

"My parents are homophobic, you want me to stop talking to them too? It seems like no matter what i do, the fact that Im cishet always gets in the way"

No. Its not her identity that gets in the way. It's her blatant ignorance and the fact that she couldn't give less of a shit because the hatred isnt aimed at her and hasnt been her entire life so she has no idea how this feels.

Why call me a best friend if you hang out with people who would/have disrespected me for something u cant control? I dropped the topic with her since we could never find middle ground and im just talking to her less, i got snippy, and i tell her that im not her best friend because she acts this way.

I get that she's lonely, and im not trying to bring her down with me just because im doing badly and my social life is in shambles and because ill probably never be loved. Her behavior just greatly upset me and im holding a grudge. I really want to let go, but i dont know how to. Every time i speak to her i just get reminded of how her desperation makes her hang out with people that hate my existance.

I dont know, i would ask for advice, but this is also a vent. Im torn

Hello again, old man Ratt here. The first trans support group that I attended was before many of you were born and that gives me the gift of perspective.

The vast majority of trans folk want to uplift & support fellow trans folk.

The trans experience is a microcosm of the human experience. You will meet all types of trans people- religious, atheists, vegans, scuba enthusiasts, jerks, hippies, cops... Folks from every walk of life. In the same way that you would not expect to get along with fifty people you randomly meet on a sidewalk, you won't click with everyone on basis of transness alone. There are trans folks who are genuinely hateful, but there are far more decent trans folks trying to live in this scary world.

Social media algorithms know the easiest way to guarantee engagement is through enragement. This is important to keep in mind because as a trans person, the media you consume with will skew wildly towards material which provokes and stokes our collective fears and frustrations. If you keep that in mind that the negative skew is by design, it becomes much easier to avoid falling into the despair hole.

Anyway, that's about all I got. Take care everyone.

24 years old, female to nonbinary (more transmasc).

i’ve been on t since january, so about 9-10 months. i’ve loved the bottom growth, the voice deepening, the muscle definition, flattened breasts, body hair increase,the ease of my mental health/dysphoria, and general weight redistribution. but i’ve been plagued by two big issues lately that have me in a horrible place.

i’ve never had acne on my life but it’s come hard. i was in gel for six months, planned parenthood pushed me to switch to the shot, and the shot brought on painful, deep cystic acne. i switched back to gel after a month but the damage was done. now in a few weeks ill be starting accutane, which makes me nervous about the side effects, which include my other main stressor.

my crown has been thinning like wild. i started 1mg finasteride around the time i switched to the shot, but since then it’s gotten worse. my scalp is much more visible in my crown and pictures from above are horrible. i posted to amibalding subreddit and the answer is yes.

i just don’t know what to do. i feel lost and so emotional about this. to combat it, ive even gone down to one pump of gel for a month now instead of the two pumps i’ve been doing basically since i started. i feel helpless. i only wanted more androgynous features and ended up loving t. but these two side effects have made the last few months horrible for me.