Lack of intimacy while TTC…

[u/rachel3618]

My husband & I have always had mismatched drives (mine higher than his).

Now, after a miscarriage in April & struggling to conceive (no living children), I feel like my husband is defeated and, maybe getting in his head about intimacy & “performing”.

I’m struggling because, I’m trying to be patient, don’t want intimacy to be a chore, and I don’t want it to ever feel forceful. It’s also challenging that, it’s such a short window of time, and it’s a struggle to find a balance of trying to do it enough without becoming annoying.

It’s a struggle to even try to be intimate every 3-5 days during the possible windows of time, let alone more than that. I think he’s also getting in his head because intimacy is just…not the same as it used to be.

We’ve had some conversations about it, but I just feel isolated and alone and I don’t just want to talk to friends about this since it’s so personal. I just don’t know what to do. We’re coming up on a year of TTC and no healthy pregnancy.

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[u/Still-Passenger9941]

Use a home insemination kit in lieu of intercourse during fertile days, keep sex for fun just when you want to

[u/Best-Historian-1267]

My partner and I switched to at home insemination despite being physically capable of conceiving naturally (also got pregnant and had a miscarriage). We both have low sex drives and are also neurodivergent, so pushing past the lack of interest for the sake of ttc was a sensory issue and was detrimental to us ever actually wanting intimacy.

Doing things separately took so much pressure off and made the process more manageable for both of us. It also preserved the small sex life we do have by keeping it for fun only. I recommend giving it a try and seeing if it makes this easier for you guys🤎

[u/Academic-Mushroom890]

I found that not forcing sex as in like “we have to today I’m in my window.” Helped instead I guide it there but not forcing it! Communication is always a key but it has to be effective communication if he’s pretending to understand but not actually taking it into consideration then it is null and void. Try to figure out things that you both may like to get you both excited for intimacy! This journey is not linear and this happens to so many couples so do not feel discouraged or down on yourself. Sending you all the baby dust ❤️

[u/rachel3618 → u/Academic-Mushroom890]

Thank you — I actually haven’t done that at ALL up to this point but, I think he knows…because normally I’m not as, I guess, trying to initiate as much outside of the window (because well, then I fear that it’ll def be too much and he’ll say no completely during the entire window). Thank you for the help though, may need to think thru some things!

[u/Sure_Attention7363]

I’m sorry for your loss in April 😔💙 I totally feel what you’re saying about the lack of intimacy. Sex becomes almost clinical in a sense. Try to remind yourselves of why you’re on this journey to begin with. Plan date nights to try to keep things a bit spontaneous throughout the month, even when the dates necessarily line up with the ovulation window. I found that when my husband and I had spontaneous sex it reminded us that it can be fun although it’s hard when you’re also TTC. Hang in there 💙 I’m on a similar timeline. Feel free to DM

[u/Purple_Lemon5930]

thank you so so much for sharing this!
my husband and i also have mismatched drives (mine higher) and have had 2 losses in the last year. it’s been so hard to navigate as the higher drive parter while also TTC.
i really struggle with feeling like he’s only doing it bc im in my fertile window and the feeling of desire is just gone while TTC.
we found it a little bit helpful for him to have partner view of my natural cycles app so that it’s not all on me to tell him when the window is coming so that he can also initiate and make it feel less like a chore.

here for you girl!!!