Screaming into the void

[u/rabtizgood]

I am a few days shy of three months into this new life. I keep thinking that I'm doing a great job staying busy and eating right and taking care of myself because he wanted me to. And then suddenly I'm exhausted and scared and really don't want to bother anymore. Does trying to keep living ever stop being a chore? My best friend says I'm so brave. I'm not. Or at least I don't want to be anymore.

[u/Some-Tear3499]

Yes. 22 months now since my wife of 15 yrs died. Me 67 Her forever 55.
At one yr I thought, ok I am done with all of this. I will stop mourning this loss.

I have checked all the little boxes.

Grief support group. Being active outside the home. Church, volunteer work, active socially with friends, maintaining my sobriety. Getting more exercise. Not gaining weight. Going to the Dr’s at least once, sometimes twice a yr now. Getting enough sleep. A couple of out of town trips for fun activities.

None of that fixes the grief. This is the slow process of rebuilding a new life without my wife. It has given me the strength to carry this grief like an internal suitcase. I now know I will carry it the rest of my life. Somedays the grief is heavy, some days it’s quite light. I am experiencing more ‘good’ days overall. I haven’t started dating yet, but would be open to a new relationship. It is a lonely road we walk but walk it we must. Some of the days feel like I hardly took a few steps, but I at least did that.
Sorry for your loss.

[u/ThomasMagnum-1 → u/Some-Tear3499]

My heart is with you. I just lost my wife of 14 years on 10/13/26 due to metastic breast cancer after having a clean bill of health for 3 years. Thank you for that statement, it is a lonely road we walk but walk it we must. That’s what I keep trying to tell myself that she would want me to continue on and be happy for our children. I’ve never felt so broken in my life.

[u/HollywoodHault → u/Some-Tear3499]

We walk similar paths. I'm also late 60s, my wife of 30 years died suddenly at 56 two years ago today from a pulmonary embolism. Grief remains my constant companion, and I don't see how I move past it. We had our future together mapped out, and now I feel adrift without a compass.

I'm going through the motions. I've inherited our dogs, so that has me going to the park at least twice a day, but other than that, medical appointments, and necessary groceries, I have zero desire to engage. I used to be politically active, but all I see now is darkness and corruption, which gives me no incentive to take part in those activities. Since it constantly reminds me of her, I want to sell the house and move, but I haven't a clue as to where I want to go to start fresh, given that I have no enthusiasm to start fresh.

I am glad to read that you are moving forward. It gives me a glimmer of hope that I may do the same. Good luck, friend.

[u/hulahulagirl]

Just passed 4 months and some days feel like it’s the hardest it’s ever been. I have had to recalibrate and expect less of myself. Things tire me more easily, I am more emotional/irritable. Our bodies and brains are in enormous upheaval. Be gentle on yourself. 💔❤️‍🩹

[u/Blade4567]

Just hit 4 months and I’m struggling this wkd. I didn’t eat dinner last night and may not again tonight…just very little appetite. I’ve been crying all day. I did manage to make it to PT this morning. Sometimes all u can do is survive.

[u/Ok-Juice1163 → u/Blade4567]

This, survive until living is easier.

[u/Lanky-Awareness-7450]

It is still early. It does get better, but no one tell you how long it will take you as everyone’s grieving process is unique to them.

People who say you are “so brave” or “so strong” don’t understand the turmoil inside. Can you talk with your best friend about how you are feeling? It’s important that you have someone that can provide you with non-judgmental support to talk and even just vent.

Like you, I spent months just getting by and had days when I wasn’t sure it was worth the effort. During one of those dark days, I was reminded of a conversation with my wife where one of the goals we both shared was to help the other person be happy. I realized that for my wife to be happy, I need to find happiness without her. With that in mind, I tried to do / find one thing every day that brought me joy. I believe this process contributed greatly to my healing. I still have bad days, but those bad days are increasingly fewer and further apart.

I would hope your spouse would also want you to be happy. Keep that in mind and work on your happiness as much as you are able. Don’t beat yourself up and take things one day at a time if possible. Given yourself the time, the space, and most importantly the grace to heal from one of the most terrible losses anyone can experience. Hugs to you and be well.

[u/rabtizgood → u/Lanky-Awareness-7450]

Thank you for this advice. He did want me to be happy but it has been tough to translate that into practice. This helps.

[u/Ok-Fuel-9697 → u/Lanky-Awareness-7450]

I agree so much with this. It will be four years for me on 11/15. We were married for 32 years and I was robbed of my future with him. All I can do is cling to the smallest joys; a beautiful day, a great meal, a nice conversation with a friend or with one of my kids. Throwing a ball for my dog and experiencing joy through his obliviousness. It’s a long process that never ends, just surviving day by day, but I’ll keep at it because I have no choice.

[u/JellyfishRegular6075]

I woke up this morning wondering why I didn't feel like crying. It's been a couple of days of that. Drove past a big shopping mall I (we) never go to anymore. Remembered back when it was a constant place to be, started crying. I don't want that mall, I want him. 5 weeks into this.

[u/MotherCommittee4563 → u/JellyfishRegular6075]

❤️

[u/Affectionate_Bee8121]

Totally agree with you, feeling just the same after 4 months, sending you some virtual company and a big hug 🫂

[u/Professional_Set7892 → u/Affectionate_Bee8121]

three months in is a blur, your brain is still just trying to process the logistics of existing let alone the grief. its not a lack of bravery, its just the weight of it all showing up unannounced. the chore feeling does ease up eventually but right now you just gotta ride out the waves without judging yourself for being tired

[u/Ok-Juice1163]

Scream, as much as you need to. I too was shocked when people said I was brave or the dreaded, “You’re handling things well”. Screw you buddy. I’m close to 2 years now, and only recently started to feel better. Everyone is different, everyone needs their own path. Grief counseling helps, but don’t be hard on yourself or expect X behavior by Y timeframe. I miss her every day, in every way.

[u/whatever4everNEway]

Honestly the first year was a blur. I cant accurately place the memories I do have in the correct order. I was just going through the motions. I felt as if I were moving through water while the world around me was at hyper speed. Its been 6 years now and I'm still trying to find purpose. Although it's less painful most of the time.

[u/stamalot7]

I feel you. I’m 2 months out and told I’m “so strong” and I hate that because I’m not, I’m struggling every day. I’m a wreck actually, I just want to stay in bed all day and some days I do. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope your days get easier somehow.

[u/Logical_Version_8272]

I'm sorry for your loss I'm at 40 days but feel scared and exhausted as well. 

[u/cofclabman]

It took me about a year and a half before every day wasn’t always terrible any more. There are still bad times, but not all the time.

You’ll get there, it just takes time.

[u/Ok-Juice1163 → u/cofclabman]

Same here, it took me a couple of weeks to realize that I wasn’t waking up and immediately missing her and going into a funk. I still do, in every way, but her loss isn’t crippling like it was. She’s been gone a year and a half now. I’m just as raw in some ways, but actually feel like I’m alive again.