r/AmItheAsshole • u/Which-Guard8552 • 11d ago
Asshole AITA for telling my husband it is too expensive he to come home for Thanksgiving?
My (28F) husband (28M) is temporarily relocated for work. He has been away from home since last spring, and will be gone until this spring. For some more context, we have 2 young kids (2 and 9 months).
Originally, he was approved for a week of PTO from the Tuesday before Thanksgiving to the Tuesday after. Unfortunately, my husband just got notice that he might only be able to get Thanksgiving day to the Sunday after off. We had always known that it would be a possibility that things could change like this, and my husband had said that if he couldn’t take the entire week, then he was not going to come home for Thanksgiving.
My husband was initially pretty positive about it, since he now has the time to take his entire holiday block leave in December (2.5 weeks). However, after talking with his brother, who basically berated him for not coming back, now he is saying he wants to come home for Thanksgiving as well. His brother made a comment about their dad getting older and told my husband he needs to be there and make an effort (which I thought was really shitty to say bc aside from this year, my husband out of all his siblings makes the most effort to spend time with his parents and be there). My husband is also a huge people pleaser, so I think this is also playing into it.
We looked at flights and they are just really not great… $600+ round-trip and he wouldn’t get in until mid afternoon on Thanksgiving earliest, then would have to leave mid morning on Sunday. He would also need to drive 8 hours round trip to the airport to make that flight. I was pretty hesitant and told my husband to think about whether or not it would be worth it to make the trip given how short it would be and how expensive it is. I also told him that I really didn’t like how his brother was inserting himself into our personal family decisions and pointed out that aside from this year, which is an extenuating circumstance, we had decided to do Thanksgiving with my family anyways, not his.
He got annoyed at me and said to stop being a Debbie Downer, to which I said that if he could find a flight for a reasonable price, ideally under $400 but no more than $500, to let me know and we can reconsider. He looked, and hasn’t been able to find anything, and he has since backed off on definitely wanting to come, but he is now saying it’s going to be a long weekend to be by himself. Emotionally, I feel for him and want him to be home, but logically, I just don’t think it makes sense.
Am I the asshole for being a Debbie Downer and not just letting him come home? It really pissed me off that his brother meddled, and I’m wondering if that is clouding my view of the situation.
ETA: we have been traveling to see my husband, including spending 3 months with him over the summer, and he has come home for 2 long weekends (4 days each) since he left. We are also going down for a week to see him at the beginning of November bc his work schedule is lighter then and flight prices are more reasonable
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u/Hootie_Mack 11d ago
He hasn’t seen his kids since the spring and you’re telling him not to come? I would move heaven and earth to see my kids.
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u/DressingRumour Partassipant [1] 11d ago
He's already been gone about 6 months, if he waits a couple more he can comfortably see everyone on Christmas. I think they are being practical instead of moving heaven and earth.
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u/bjbc Partassipant [1] 11d ago
It's only two more weeks and if he waits he can be home for longer with them. How is that a bad thing?
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u/FerengiWithCoupons 11d ago
and have over $600 more than if he spent money on the flight.
that’s is a month of bills.
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u/Which-Guard8552 10d ago
That was exactly my line of thinking. We have spent SOOO much money going back and forth (both him as well as the kids and I). I just really don’t want to throw another $600 toward traveling (compared to the $200 that it would have been for him to do the week at Thanksgiving instead of the 3 days)
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u/BufferingJuffy Partassipant [2] 10d ago
Also, a flight that's supposed to arrive Thanksgiving day? You know it's going to get delayed, and he'll be lucky to get in Friday. It sounds like a disaster trip. 😫
Can you do a family FaceTime or zoom instead?
Sorry your family is in such a difficult situation for the now. 💜
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u/ArrivalWest9317 10d ago
I assumed she was talking about Canadian thanksgiving which is this weekend.
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u/Which-Guard8552 10d ago
Sorry it wasn’t clear (I edited my post to add). We spent 3 months with him over the summer while I worked remote and he’s also come home for 2 long weekends where flight prices were more reasonable. The kids and I are also going to see him the first week of November
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u/Kirtan_ForAll_108 10d ago
You didn’t read her say they go visit him and spent all summer there with him?
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u/InternationalCard624 Partassipant [2] 10d ago
He has seen his kids, op states in comments, he's been home a couple of weekends and they went to him a few times, including a couple of weeks over the summer. They just can't afford for him to go home for thanksgiving weekend and Christmas
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [64] 10d ago
What makes you think that he hasn't seen the kids since spring? She didn't say that.
In fact, in an edit OP notes that:
ETA: we have been traveling to see my husband, including spending 3 months with him over the summer, and he has come home for 2 long weekends (4 days each) since he left.
So he has in fact spent months together with the kids in the meantime.
But even if you didn't see the edit, why would you assume something that she never said (that he hadn't seen the kids this entire time)?
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u/Katcar2007 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
She said she and the kids lived with him over the summer, so he has seen his kids since spring. I’m not sure how much it changes the scenario, but he isn’t going an entire year without seeing his children.
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u/salt-sweet-spice 10d ago
I get your point, but if he does come for the short quick thanksgiving turn around, they won’t really have time with him. OP explained the travel time to get there and back includes long driving times on top of the flights, so he’ll spend hours and hours traveling, not really see anyone for any quality of time (and he’ll be exhausted). Makes much more sense to put the PTO into a longer visit in December which is just a few weeks later. I know video calls aren’t the same, but they can ‘have dinner together’ or something over FaceTime, and then spend 2.5 weeks in December together. I get that being alone thanksgiving sucks, but travel that weekend will be a nightmare and the estimated times could be much higher, can’t imagine it being a good visit with all that stress and pressure.
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u/AlexandraG94 6d ago
I woukd understand that but that wasnt even his reason ti want to come home and that makes him the asshole. He was fine to not see his own babies but once his brother medsles and guilt tripped him about his dad he was determined to come. Also apparently he has been with his kids a lot more than 20% of the year, by OP's edit and OP has been the one visiting too. His family could do the same.
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u/conniecatmeow Partassipant [1] 11d ago
Nah i get you, but experience has taught me just to accept the cost. It’s better for your husband, and your marriage. (The only thing my husband and I have fought over has been his family - they live away from us too)
So I don’t think YTA but it’s prob best long term to do it this time and make boundaries/rules for next time. I also put $50 into an account every fortnight for these trips.
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u/Slipstream_Surfing Partassipant [4] 10d ago
I think it's funny that your comment determined the final judgement because you used YTA to make the point that you believe the opposite.
In other posts I've seen your Nah determine final judgement even though like here it was simply used as an informal "No".
When both are used as in this situation, they usually cancel each other out, lower-case letters not withstanding. Have also seen m_o_d_s explain that they sometimes override the judgement bot when this happens, based on their personal interpretation.
This sub is entertaining for more reasons than the actual stories posted.
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u/Alyx19 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
NAH but is $200 worth missing one of his dad’s last Thanksgivings and not getting he with you and the kids for a major holiday? Maybe in your circumstances it is, but maybe it’s not?
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u/itsamutiny Partassipant [2] 11d ago
I think calling one of his dad's last Thanksgivings is a stretch. OP's husband is only 28, so his dad might not even be 60 yet.
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u/Which-Guard8552 10d ago
Yeah I don’t think it’s one of my FIL’s last thanksgivings. He is getting older but is only in his mid 60s
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u/mologav 10d ago
What is the brother on about, mid 60s is not old anymore. It’s only since my father turned 80 that I noticed him getting old and needing help.
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u/Arjvoet 10d ago
I would agree that 60s is young in my opinion but my dad died at 68 so if FIL is in poor health (drinking, smoking, overweight etc) the concern could be reasonable but I get the feeling that brother is full of shit.
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u/mologav 10d ago
A parent could be in bad shape in 40s and 50s too if they don’t look after themselves at all
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u/Magic-Happens-Here Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Mid-60’s can be old depending on the life a person has lived. I’ve seen guys in their 50’s that you’d think were 70+ and guys in their 80’s who don’t look a day over 60.
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u/YogurtclosetUnfair59 11d ago
Exactly! My oldest is 36 and my youngest is 27. I’m not even 60 yet and despite being disabled and having health issues, I definitely wouldn’t consider myself to be getting old enough for my kids to make poor financial decisions to spend basically 2 days with me.
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u/Big-Fig3260 11d ago
Yes- I didn’t even have my youngest until age 35 and he’s 26 this year while I’m 61. Our oldest is 32. How “old” is his dad anyway? I heard about my grandfather’s “Last Christmas” for about 20 years. It was ridiculous.
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u/Dangerous_Prize_4545 Certified Proctologist [23] 11d ago
My mother died at 65. And I am very thankful we had the last Christmas and last Thanksgiving with her.
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u/Beginning_Pipe6072 10d ago
It doesn't matter how old his father is. We can all go at any time. Yes, older is more expected, but not always the case. BTW, my mom was gone at 57, and my father even sooner.
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u/Magic-Happens-Here Partassipant [1] 9d ago
My dad literally died at age 60, the Monday after Thanksgiving… after I’d taken an extra shift because “I’d see everyone next month anyhow”.
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u/YogurtclosetUnfair59 11d ago
Except they were supposed to be spending Thanksgiving with her family, not his.
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u/AGoodFaceForRadio Asshole Enthusiast [8] 11d ago
His dad is important, but are we forgetting that he has a toddler and a baby he hasn’t seen in months?! They are growing up fast! They’re not going to know who he is 😨
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u/EmilyAnne1170 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 10d ago
And if he wasn’t coming home for Christmas, I’d say it’s really important to come home for Thanksgiving, even for such a short visit. But he’s going to get to spend a lot more time with them only 2 or 3 weeks later.
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u/hyperfocus1569 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Op edited the post and has responded to people. They’ve seen each other quite a bit.
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u/AlexandraG94 6d ago
Yeah but apparently OP's husband was fine with the trade off of not seeing his own two babies. He only cared when the brother guilt tripped him about his dad. I get making the decision to not come because they have visited and have been visited and OP is coming on Christmas and it is very expensive and time consuming just to stay a couple days, not even full days. But what makes him the asshole is being fine with that for his own two little babies but not when brother guilt tripped him with dad, who is still relatively young (60's), has no serious illness, nor is suddenly and rapidly declining. I would be upset that he changed his tune so much due to the brother meddling amd sort of shaming him but not for his two babies.
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u/stillxsearching7 11d ago
Are you hurting for money? Will that $200 difference in ticket price be the difference between paying your mortgage and being homeless? If not, I would be bending over backwards to ensure that I could spend as much time as possible with my long-distance spouse even if only 4 days. Do you even like this man?
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u/External_Two2928 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
Maybe his siblings could cover the extra $100-$200 if it is too much, especially bc the brother was guilt tripping him
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u/Angrywolf8 11d ago
This would be my answer as well, Brother wants him to come no matter what it cost? Then he can pay for most of it then.
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u/DressingRumour Partassipant [1] 11d ago
Legit, this brother should be the one researching flights and helping him put together a reasonable plan if he's so ready to berate OP's husband.
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u/LiveKindly01 Supreme Court Just-ass [111] 11d ago
YTA
INFO - you said last spring, so spring 2026 or 2025? He's either been away for work for what will be a total of one year, or two?
Regardless, guy's been away from his family and you're haggling over $100? Are you the holder of the purse strings here? Have you asked him what HE wants to do? Have you considered he's homesick, wants to be with you and his children? Maybe yeah the travel sucks but perhaps he needs this.
And not only that but you aren't willing to change Thanksgiving so he can see his own family?
Do you like your husband?
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u/OneLessDay517 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
One year or two?!?! "Spring" was 6 months ago!
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u/LiveKindly01 Supreme Court Just-ass [111] 10d ago
As you'll note what I wrote was clarifying the interpretation of 'last spring' meaning '26 or '25...then if he's not finished his leave until spring 2027, that would make 2 years. I thought I was pretty clear of my question.
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u/Which-Guard8552 10d ago
He will be away for 1 year. He is homesick and I understand that is hard and that it sucks having to spend the holidays alone. That being said, we’ve spent thousands this year on traveling back and forth, and I just don’t want to spend another $600 for him to only be able to come home 3 days (whereas we could spend less for him to come home for both MLK and Presidents’ Day when he has long weekends).
I did say I was willing to change Thanksgiving for this year since he has been away from home and hasn’t seen his family really since he left (although there has been an open invite for them to come visit and they flat out refused; on the other hand, both of my parents made the trip twice over the summer to see us).
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u/ScallyGirl 10d ago
I understand spending the holidays alone could be difficult but Thanksgiving is only celebrated in the US, for the rest of the world it is a normal working day. It is not like he will be in his home all alone for the day. Plenty of larger cities also have meet ups for Americans away from home to meet and have a bite to eat on Thanksgiving, he can look it that.
Ignore these people saying he should come home, they can pay for his ticket and a private car to take him to and from the airport if they feel that strongly about it. He must have known going into this post that there was a chance he could miss out on certain family events.
NTAH.
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u/Conscious_Reading804 11d ago
Yeah I did more than this to fly back to my home country for my granddads funeral because I needed to be around my family at that time. Unless it gonna screw their finances OP should relax on that, if he's willing to do all that travel for a short visit just to see her and the kids, I'd say fuck the money (again, unless there was some really pressing financial reason not to) and get that man home
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u/RomDog25 11d ago
You will never regret taking time money and space to be together as a family . Husband is missing out on a lot. But interrupting a years long separation from two young kids is going to be priceless looking back .
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u/hyperfocus1569 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
OP edited. They’ve seen each other plenty. She just left that out of the original post.
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u/Shakeit126 Partassipant [4] 11d ago
NAH except your BIL. Wow. That's gotta be rough on you and your kids. He needs to tell his brother to stay out of it. Seeing them right now when he's been away from his wife and kids is not important. If him coming home doesn't work for the family, that's between you and him, nobody else.
Him calling you a Debbie Downer isn't very nice. You sound like you're trying to be reasonable about your finances. It makes sense he'd be sad being away alone, but for whatever reason, I guess it was best for your family for him to do this relocation. I'd be having a very hard time with it.
If you can afford it, although it's expensive, maybe think about it a little. He just wants to be with his family. Take his brother out of the equation. He doesn't matter here, but he probably really misses you and the children. I would speak to him again about it and hear him out.
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u/Thundernutz79 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 11d ago
ESH except the husband. Seems like he's in a situation that sucks already so he can provide for his family. Now, no matter what he decides to do he's gonna be the bad guy to multiple people. Let the man come home!
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u/Big_Insurance_3601 11d ago
NTA save the $$ so he can be home for Xmas longer. His bro can kick rocks OR cough up the $$ for flights!
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u/Interesting_Edge_805 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
Nta traveling on Thanksgiving is a horrible idea especially at the cost of $600 and driving 8 hours to the airport. Where do you live that takes 8 hours. I just can't fathom being that far from civilization
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u/SQ-Pedalian 11d ago
8 hour round trip drive, which means 4 hour drive one way to the airport. And if he's flying cross-country or to a different country, it might be that he's driving to a major airport hub that has a direct flight or international flights vs. a small local airport that might not have flights to where he's going.
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u/RealName_Redacted 10d ago
My town has a regional airport 30 minutes away, but the nearest major airport is about 4 hours. Since my town is a popular tourist destination (with visitors generally being wealthier than the local population) the flights at my local airport can easily reach $800+ during peak season, necessitating driving 4 hours to the major airport if I'm trying to fly out.
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u/Impossible_Gold1573 11d ago
YTA. He wants to see his kids and you’re giving him grief over it over $$$? Unless you’re so broke that money will literally make you homeless, back off and let him come see his family. It sounds like you like having him gone.
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u/hyperfocus1569 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Read the edit. He’s been home plenty and she and the kids spent three months with him while she worked remotely.
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u/Babelwasaninsidejob 11d ago
Yes you are the asshole. He's going to be alone for Thanksgiving when he hasn't seen his family in 6 months including his young children. That's a huge sacrifice and a brutal time to be alone. I guarantee you he already wanted to come home and his brother's guilting him gave him the excuse / courage to say it. You saying he's allowed to come home for $400 but not $500 is awful.
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u/hyperfocus1569 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Read OP’s edit. He’s seen them quite a bit.
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u/PM_ME_SUMDICK Partassipant [2] 10d ago
I don't understnd why everyone is assuming he just hasn't seen his family in six months. There is zero reson to assume that.
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u/hyperfocus1569 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
I kind of assumed they’d seen each other but I get why people assumed the opposite since it just wasn’t addressed.
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u/PNW_MYOG Partassipant [1] 11d ago
I've worked away.
Sometimes even 2 days is worth all the extra effort to see your family. If you were looking forward to it, and it gets cancelled, that is so very, very hard. Even if he is coming the next month.
If $400 is okay, then $600 is not much different and emotionally could be really needed.
It's about his energy level and drive to come home.
Let him decide and make whatever decision as easy as possible, logistically.
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u/KingdomKey10 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 11d ago
NAH here except for the brother tbh, sucks to have to spend the holiday alone but money and logistics are a real factor in this kind of stuff, getting guilt tripped by your AH brother doesn't change that.
Also, f*ck his company for not comping his travel considering he had to relocate for work.
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u/ElectricalFocus560 11d ago
But Christmas vacation lasting 2 1/2 weeks is probably only 2 to 3 weeks after Thanksgiving. And to try to fly Thanksgiving (I don’t know what part of the country you’re in) is iffy at best. With crappy weather in northern parts of the country unpredictable at best, even in reasonable parts of the country air traffic can be snarled beyond belief. He could spend the whole three days in an airport, trying to get to you and then having to turn immediately around and go back.
Being separated as long as a year for you both has got to be stressful at best. I think you should prioritize your time together and not be worried about it being on a holiday. His family should work around him being available instead of demanding. He be there on a certain day on the calendar. October would be a wonderful month for him to come September around Labor Day would be would have been even better. The weather is better. The flights aren’t is full. The fares are marginally cheaper. Good luck.
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u/codexica 10d ago
I have travelled intercontinentally (and domestically, but that's less logistically fraught) many times, and spending three days in the airport is an extremely, extremely rare worst-case scenario that almost never happens. Bags lost? Sure. Flight delays/cancellations and needing to spend lots of time on the phone with the airline to sort things out and get me to my destination by the time I need to be there? Absolutely. Three days in the airport? Never. There has to have been some sort of horrific fuck-up at that point, the kind that makes the news.
But using that as rationale vs. family budget, family priorities, his PTO, family relationships/connections, etc. is very "don't swim in the ocean! you could be mauled by sharks!" Like, technically yes, but chances are exceedingly strong against that happening.
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u/Ipso-Pacto-Facto 11d ago
So I guess his brother is buying the plane ticket. That or minding his own business.
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u/Beginning-Reality925 10d ago
And the brother better be picking him up at the airport on Thanksgiving’s day so he misses dinner with that 4 hour drive (plus holiday traffic) then brings him to the wife’s family like the plan originally was and drives him back the 4 hours to the airport.
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u/pabrocjb 11d ago
Forget his father. I ache for your husband not seeing his babies. I couldn't do it.
Flights have gotten very expensive. I assume due to fuel.
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u/DressingRumour Partassipant [1] 11d ago
Thanksgiving week, dynamic pricing, and booking on short notice are definitely not helping their situation.
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u/warriorwoman534 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
Oh for God's sake, he'll live. Plenty of people don't get to spend holidays with their family, and he'll be home for a longer period of time the following month anyway. You're NTA, and tell your meddling BIL to please mind his own business, or pay for the airfare.
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u/multipocalypse Partassipant [1] 11d ago edited 10d ago
YTA. He's been away from all of his family for a year and a half?? Unless you meant this spring, rather than last spring, but even then, half a year is a LONG time for that. And you're quibbling over a couple hundred dollars when it sounds like it isn't an issue of being able to afford it? Let the poor man see his family!
Eta: Just read OP'S comment in another comment thread:
I think he’s going to be less concerned about this when Thanksgiving actually rolls around. We haven’t seen him for almost a month, but he’s coming home this weekend for 4 days and the we’re going to see him 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving. Then even if he doesn’t come home for Thanksgiving, it will be about another month between when we have last seen him to when he is home for his block leave
So, changing my judgment to NAH. Still think it's reasonable for the husband to want to be with family on TG, knowing how I've felt having to work far from loved ones on holidays before. But hopefully OP can talk it out with him in an understanding way and they'll find a solution they can agree on.
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u/EmilyAnne1170 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 10d ago
They have a 9 month old baby. If he’d been gone for a year and a half, OP would probably be asking a very different question.
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u/multipocalypse Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Lol, good point! Wish people would use clear phrasing so we didn't have to use clues like that to figure out what they meant. 😏
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u/Seeayteebeans Asshole Enthusiast [9] 11d ago
NTA - 3 days, on some of the BUSIEST most expensive fly days in the year? Hard pass, if he could be commute to the week before or after, sure! But if he waited a month, it’s 2.5 weeks!! What’s another month to the 6+ he’s already been gone. Unless dad’s actively dying, I think it’s too much on a holiday that is already too much.
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u/Ok_Bodybuilder1864 11d ago
Telling a parent who has not seen their kids in @ 6 months to not bother coming home is not only ridiculous, it's downright mean!
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u/monotonousrainbo 11d ago
Info: how long has it been since your husband saw you and the kids? Is $600 feasible for you currently, or are you living too close to the edge to pay that kinda money? How is his family doing financially - can they help?
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u/Which-Guard8552 10d ago
It’s been a month since we saw each other last, but he’s coming home for 4 days this weekend. We are then going to spend a week with him at the beginning of November. Financially we could afford it but it would be tight and we would really need to restrict our spending.
His family will definitely not help financially, lol. I actually told my husband that if his family is so desperate to see him, they should make the trip down, but they would never
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u/ExcitingSite1539 10d ago
Sounds like you are being very practical and logical.
Emotionally I'm sure everyone would like to be together for Thanksgiving but it just doesn't make sense in the situation so I agree you should pass and focus on other dates/christmas etc.
What if you told him you could set aside a portion of that money and do something fun while he is home for Christmas. Like set aside $150 and go out to a nice restaurant for a date night?
I would be blunt with BIL that you can't absorb the financial cost right now but if he was willing to buy the plane tickets, then that's a different story.
On another topic, you should look into using points for flights. It's been a game changer for my family. I book thousands of dollars worth of free travel using points.
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u/Teach11 10d ago
I am a retiree whose husband was corporatized out of his 25-year IT stint and ended up taking a position 12 hours from home. We do the flying back and forth thing, mostly me, and when he’s home it’s for grown kids and grandkids and friends. I used to do one trip out to him per month, then decided 3 weeks would be better. November and December, however, have always been a lot, particularly for him and his busy work schedule.
He generally is able to take a few PTO days after thanksgiving, and he travels home ON thanksgiving day because it’s much cheaper and less busy. For Christmas, he is able to work remotely for the week after the holiday so that we can get him for NYE as well, again traveling ON Xmas eve to save money and stress. Everyone has different needs I know, but perhaps your family could be flexible with the thanksgiving schedule to allow for travel on the day itself? It might not help this late, but if you plan it out next year, you can save a ton by flying on the day.
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u/GreenNude 10d ago
NTA. You’re not stopping him from coming home, you’re just being realistic about spending $600+ and 8 hours driving for barely a day and a half together. Especially when he already decided not to come if he couldn’t get the full week off. It sounds like his brother’s guilt trip is influencing him more than anything.
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u/Creepy-Handle-6789 10d ago
To me the brother in this story is trying to pass on the responsibility of taking care of an ageing parent as much as possible. He is obviously the one at fault here.
OP, you are not in the wrong here, but you need to have a calm discussion with your husband about this situation and particularly how his brother's involvement has thrown his reasonable plans into turmoil and resulted in an argument with his wife. It's really better if this is face-to-face as delicate conversations over the phone are prone to be messy. He's got to set some boundaries with his family members and be a little firm with them or you both will get pulled around whenever they have an agenda.
You're both good people and if he does come down it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world as you get to spend a bit of time with him on Thanksgiving. He seems to have backed off on definitely wanting to come so he's certainly considering your opinion on the cost. Hope things works out!
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u/teamglider Partassipant [1] 10d ago
That is the absolute worst time to fly, and a very likely time to get booted off your flight.
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u/Which-Guard8552 10d ago
That’s a great point. I should tell him that. The worst would be if he took the time just to not even be able to come. The travel is unbelievably stressful, and anytime he comes home and has to turn and burn we are a little bit on edge trying to make sure he is able to get back on time while still making the trip worth it
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11d ago
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u/Prestigious-Ear-8877 10d ago
I agree. one ticket and a long vacation to be with his family. That's a no brainer. Why buy two flights?
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u/Ok_Guarantee_3497 10d ago
Easy solution: brother says he should come home for Thanksgiving, brother can pay all his expenses.
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u/HistoricalQuail Asshole Aficionado [16] 10d ago
If he's a people pleaser, why doesn't he care about pleasing you? NTA and it's massively assholeish of him to call you a Debbie Downer because he tried to back out of your existing agreement.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 10d ago
The core issue is that your husband is easily manipulated. That's what you need to address unless you want him to let his brother sign you up as the primary caregiver for his parents when they get old.
Your husband is treating you the same way his brother treats him. You didn't agree to the plan his brother guilt tripped him into, so he resorted to calling you names and trying to guilt trip you. He effectively changed the topic of conversation from whether or not it's the best use of limited PTO and money to a discussion of your personality. I'd nip that behavior in the bud immediately. Tell him he isn't allowed to speak to you that way and you won't tolerate it.
Take control of the conversation and switch it back to the best use of his PTO. Ask him to create a plan for what those 4 days would look like. He'll be spending 4 hours driving to the airport on Thanksgiving Day, ~2 hours waiting for his flight, however long the flight is, then the time to drive to where you are. Will that be your home or will he meet you at your family's home? If it's your parents' turn for Thanksgiving, don't give that up.
What are his plans for Friday and Saturday? Is he spending them with you and the children or does he expect you to cart the kids around to see his family? You're the primary caregiver, so that's going to be a lot of work for you. His being home will disrupt your children's schedules, and you'll be dealing with that all on your own after he leaves, so the time he's there needs to be a break for you. Sunday will be a travel day too, so you won't have much time to spend together.
Ask him to compare that to what his days will look like if he saves them for Christmas. If he chooses to come home for Thanksgiving instead, figure out together where the money is coming from. Do you and the children not make one of your trips to see him? He doesn't get to have both. If he uses up the travel money on this (more expensive) trip, it won't be available later on. Think about how you want to spend your days if he does choose to come home. He gets to choose his schedule, but he doesn't get to dictate yours or your children's.
NTA.
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My (28F) husband (28M) is temporarily relocated for work. He has been away from home since last spring, and will be gone until this spring. For some more context, we have 2 young kids (2 and 9 months).
Originally, he was approved for a week of PTO from the Tuesday before Thanksgiving to the Tuesday after. Unfortunately, my husband just got notice that he might only be able to get Thanksgiving day to the Sunday after off. We had always known that it would be a possibility that things could change like this, and my husband had said that if he couldn’t take the entire week, then he was not going to come home for Thanksgiving.
My husband was initially pretty positive about it, since he now has the time to take his entire holiday block leave in December (2.5 weeks). However, after talking with his brother, who basically berated him for not coming back, now he is saying he wants to come home for Thanksgiving as well. His brother made a comment about their dad getting older and told my husband he needs to be there and make an effort (which I thought was really shitty to say bc aside from this year, my husband out of all his siblings makes the most effort to spend time with his parents and be there). My husband is also a huge people pleaser, so I think this is also playing into it.
We looked at flights and they are just really not great… $600+ round-trip and he wouldn’t get in until mid afternoon on Thanksgiving earliest, then would have to leave mid morning on Sunday. He would also need to drive 8 hours round trip to the airport to make that flight. I was pretty hesitant and told my husband to think about whether or not it would be worth it to make the trip given how short it would be and how expensive it is. I also told him that I really didn’t like how his brother was inserting himself into our personal family decisions and pointed out that aside from this year, which is an extenuating circumstance, we had decided to do Thanksgiving with my family anyways, not his.
He got annoyed at me and said to stop being a Debbie Downer, to which I said that if he could find a flight for a reasonable price, ideally under $400 but no more than $500, to let me know and we can reconsider. He looked, and hasn’t been able to find anything, and he has since backed off on definitely wanting to come, but he is now saying it’s going to be a long weekend to be by himself. Emotionally, I feel for him and want him to be home, but logically, I just don’t think it makes sense.
Am I the asshole for being a Debbie Downer and not just letting him come home? It really pissed me off that his brother meddled, and I’m wondering if that is clouding my view of the situation.
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u/Elegant-Analyst-7381 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
I agree your brother-in-law should not be guilting your husband into coming, but consider...
Perhaps he wanted to come but was scared of pushing it with you until his BIL kind of gave him an excuse to do so?
NAH between you and your husband, who both have reasonable point of views. But perhaps talk to him a bit more about this. The difference between what you're willing to pay vs what you're not willing to pay is not much in the scheme of things.
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u/spdaroch Asshole Aficionado [13] 11d ago
NAH I get that he wants to come home and if he feels he needs to, whether to see his father, you and kids, or maybe just his mental health, a few hundred dollars isn’t really worth the squabbling. Will him coming home for Thanksgiving change the amount of time he gets to come home in December? The other thing to consider is that the busiest travel time of the year is around Thanksgiving. Consider where you live and if weather could get in the way. If you’re in the states, make sure his connections don’t go through the northern hubs because of snow. Just some things to think about.
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u/SQ-Pedalian 11d ago
The post suggests he has 2.5 total weeks of PTO accrued, so if he comes home for Thanksgiving, he'll have fewer days to spend with them at Christmas. That's the way I read the post, at least. All things considered, he'd spend more quality time with them if he waited until Christmas because he wouldn't lose 2 sets of travel days (and would only pay for 1 set of travel days) and would have more consecutive days together with his family.
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u/Sami_George Certified Proctologist [28] 11d ago
INFO: Does he still have confirmation from his work about the initial approved PTO? Because if that was solid, I’d be making a big stink at work about the dates that were already approved.
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u/rainyhawk Partassipant [2] 11d ago
I’d say try zoom or FaceTime “attendance” at Thanksgiving dinner instead. Almost like being there…still interact with family. And getting in mid afternoon..how does that work with the family’s meal plans for thanksgiving? I agree…wait for the long visit at Christmas, especially since it sounds like no one’s about to die before then. NTA
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u/Stephreads Asshole Enthusiast [8] 10d ago
Thanksgiving flights are always very expensive. Maybe his brother wants to pay for it.
NTA.
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u/Electronic-Spring606 11d ago
NTA
(full disclosure, I'm not big on Thanksgiving, I think its overrated so that is coloring my opinion)
Still, flights are expensive now, they'll get more expensive the closer to t-giving. Prices are inflated around holidays, too.
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u/Malibucat48 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 11d ago
NTA He’s going to be home for Christmas which is a more important holiday. While Thanksgiving is for family gathering, it is basically just an eating holiday and he won’t even be there for the entire day. Unless his brother wants to pay for the flights, he doesn’t get an opinion. If he will pay for the flights, great.
But your husband calling you names just because you are practical about your family’s finances is just wrong. The only reason he is working out of town for a year is to provide for your family so spending a large amount of money for just a couple of days defeats the purpose. Suggest he talk to his dad and let him know the situation. If his family knows he will be there for Christmas for a longer amount of time, they should understand. And he can FaceTime and see the whole family all day. It’s the next best thing to being there.
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u/CalicoHippo Partassipant [1] 11d ago
As someone who has a husband that travels and has been gone for months for work, and quite a lot when the kids were little, NTA. It does make more practical sense for your husband to wait and come home for 2.5 weeks at Christmas. Don’t let the family guilt trip change the plan you and your husband came up with and he was fine with before his brother interfered. Your kids are going to be ok.
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u/randomvowelsounds 10d ago
NTA why doesn’t he come home for a non holiday visit and stay a bit longer? Cheaper and less of a zoo to boot
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u/Additional_Lead3616 10d ago
He’s temporarily relocated for work bc there is no work where you & his kids are? Or bc it was a lucrative opportunity?
Personally, it’s not worth the relocation if he cannot come home to see his family on Thanksgiving & for Christmas.
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u/bargainbinprep 10d ago
I don't think Thanksgiving should be an obligation since it is so close to the return for Christmas, but am I reading it correctly that he hasn't been home at all in that time? Flights would have surely been cheaper at any other time of year to make a visit.
If he is back other times I'll say NTA, dates on a calendar shouldn't dictate quality time and if it saves money to focus on Christmas and that is what is important to you as a family no problem. But if you haven't seen him in several months with two very young children and there are no plans to see them again until spring....there is something amiss here.
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u/Which-Guard8552 10d ago
Sorry for the confusion. He has been home twice since he left for long weekends. We also spent the summer with him (during which I worked remotely), but it was really hard for me to keep up with work without any support system. We are also traveling down the first week of November for a visit, so we will be seeing him then
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u/Valuable_Ice_5927 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
How far is his work location from home? Esp since you mentioned 8hr round trip to airport? Is driving home feasible (I did DC to Chicago and back for 3 days with family once - abt 11hrs 1 way)
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u/what-da-duck 10d ago
I think it should be up to him , if he sees the value in spending $100 more then the budget you gave him $500 max for a ticket then that $100 is well.spent. if he thinks doing all that traveling is worth the short visit then why not. Especially if he is saying it.is a long weekend to be alone . I would help him figuer out what he wants to do with out the guilt from his family and the budget restriction from you. Its so important to help people pleaser to stay true to them selves and help them figuer out what is true to them . As much as you want to say he is trying to please his brother ,he could be trying to please you as well.
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u/oknowwhat00 10d ago
Why not have him come home at a different time, maybe earlier in November when it's less expensive to fly.
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u/nickelminusthree 10d ago
too much thought put into this too be an asshole, but just make sure that you let him choose what feels right to him. that's where line between being an asshole or not lies, i think.
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u/strutster 10d ago edited 10d ago
Can really tell the people who have never spent extended time traveling for work, school, or whatever. It's rough on the whole family, no doubt, but on the one doing the travelling it is a lonely and emotionally draining experience that can leave emotional scars that sometimes can not be healed.
It's not just missing your wife or your kids. The traveler becomes detached from their whole life. Their home, friends, family; they become a stranger that just shows up once in a while and is gone. On the home front, life goes on, but he is not there to participate in it. Special moments, milestones, successes, failures and, most of all, the day to day things that are so important to feeling a connection to your life are gone.
There comes a point that fear creeps in. The phone calls are less frequent. The information you get is less detailed. Important details are not always passed along. Your spouse has to turn other people when she needs help. People you have never even met, are now playing significant roles in your families life. You are becoming the outsider.
You are forced to have 1000% trust in your wife. So, any indication of resentment, frustration or animosity can be devastating. Especially when you're miles away. So an eagerly anticipated visit being ripped away at the last moment can send a person into a an emotional spiral.
Not really the best time for the most important person in his life (The person that he is most afraid that he could lose, and is trusting completely) to act ambivalent about him coming home (esp. because of the cost). A couple of weeks can be an eternity when you have been gone for a long time.
I know it's hard to be the spouse left at home to try and hold everything together, believe me. Resentment, stress and loneliness can set in. He knows this too. There is no substitute for being able to stand in your own home, hold your wife, hug your kids and see with your own eyes that everything is ok and the love they have for you is strong as ever. If you care about protecting your relationship during this difficult time; Strongly recommend that you enthusiastically encourage him to come home.
Best of luck to you.
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u/_Disco-Stu Partassipant [2] 10d ago
YTA: Telling him not to come home over a $100 savings is prioritizing the wrong thing.
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u/Stararisto 10d ago
I do the same. I moved out of state, and always fly back for Xmas. And parents come visit me too during the year. Very rarely I come for Thanksgiving for the same reason. It just doesn't feel "worth" it. And I have been questioning this quite a bit lately. I feel like I'm missing a lot from fam. AND I don't have kids/spouse. So it is worse for him.
Both of you are NTA. You are approaching it on a financial sense. He is approaching on sentimentality and how time with family is just so precious. It is just a difficult decision.
Can you as a family afford this Thanksgiving trip? Including Xmas?
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u/Ok_Physics_9132 10d ago
if you’re worried about the cost, it’s completely reasonable to bring that up before making a big purchase. money decisions should be something both partners are comfortable with.
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u/bluesunset90 10d ago
Since the brother put himself into the middle of it, he should offer to buy the plane ticket for your husband to come home. I bet if your husband asks, his brother will all of a sudden understand its not worth it and would likely bawk at even being asked.
You're not being a Debbie Downer, you're being reasonable and financially responsible. Living is expensive, we're in a recession whether or not people realize it, and every dollar counts. His brother has too big of an opinion for someone who hasn't offered to help financially or logistically. NTA
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u/wrathtarw 10d ago
NTA- he is there to make money so he can come home. You will be visiting soon, and he will come home a few weeks after Thanksgiving. You both know this. The weekend trip will be too short. Set up a FaceTime call with family at Thanksgiving. We used to do this with far away family members who couldn’t make it to things. My cousin sat on the bar and joked with people at my engagement party because the flights were too much. It’s not the same but it’s not $600 which pays a lot of bills, which is the whole point of him being so far away.
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u/JTExplorer 10d ago
NTA. Is it possible for your husband to fly home earlier in November when his schedule is lighter and flights are cheaper to have an early Thanksgiving with his family? Two days is two days. The exact days are not important. The gathering together as a family for the holiday seems what is at issue. Fly out Friday, have Thanksgiving on Sat, breakfast or lunch with his dad on Sunday and fly back. Then all of you can have a nice time with his side and you still attend with your family on Thanksgiving. The option of him flying on Thanksgiving and arriving for dinner has a very narrow window for success given the normal delays at Thanksgiving. Is he fine with the spending $600 and being stuck in an airport on Thanksgiving, option? There is also the option of his side having Thanksgiving on Friday or Saturday. You would be able to attend with your family on Thanksgiving. His brother would pick him up at the airport regardless of the day or hour of his arrival, and all of you would be together on Fri/Sat to celebrate. There are options.
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u/presentable_corpse 10d ago
NTA. Y'all have kids. You need to be realistic with money or they'll have a harder time later in life. At least he'll be home for Christmas....his brother is def an asshole for guilting him.
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u/loonytick75 10d ago
I think it’s worth gently asking your husband more about how he’s feeling. It is possible that the brother’s suggestion came because he expressed a sadness about missing Thanksgiving that he’s pushed aside in conversations with you. Sometimes we try to be strong for our spouses and get more vulnerable with someone else.
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u/pdt236 10d ago
Something is not adding up in this situation.
Interesting there’s no discussion of what the husband actually does as a job.
I can’t imagine he’s away from home for an entire year and not making bank. And if he’s not making a killing to the point the OP is worried about a $600 flight… to come home for Thanksgiving to see his 2 small kids for the first time in 4-6 months, then he needs to find another fucking job because that shit is not worth it to be away from my kids like or at the very least still having to worry about a $600 flight.
Something is fishy here.
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u/Tryingmybestatlife2 10d ago
If he can see his family at Christmas then there is no reason to come for Thanksgiving
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u/South-Cookie-5454 10d ago
Have a large family gathering while he is home in December so he can see his dad ,etc.
Having had a son on a work assignment for six months, that included the faljand winter holidays, four birthdays and another major family event, where he could not leave, his wife and our family had to adapt.
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u/Ok-Wallaby-3840 10d ago
YTA. You have no idea how difficult it is to be away from your children. Cost should not come into play.
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u/Single_Many597 Partassipant [4] 10d ago
YTA for thinking that your husband's brother isn't part of your husband's father's family.
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u/tic-toc-croc 10d ago
Acknowledging 1st world POV. What job pays so poorly that a $200 difference in flight cost is a financial barrier, BUT also justifies a year away from the super young family???
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u/Many_Bluebird508 10d ago
NTA and I say this as someone who works in a field that requires you to work most holidays, weekends, and fun days with family. Thanksgiving weekend is one, if not the most expensive weekend to travel. It does not make sense to travel for the holiday when that money could be split into other long weekend visits at a different time. I say celebrate Thanksgiving on a different weekend, book the flight and enjoy!
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u/Professional-Face709 10d ago
He hasn’t seen his kids since Spring, but you spend the summer with him?
ESH
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u/Which-Guard8552 9d ago
The kids and I all spent the summer with him
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u/Professional-Face709 9d ago
So he HAS seen the kids since Spring.
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u/Which-Guard8552 8d ago
Yeah I said we in the post (implying me and the kids) but I guess it wasn’t 100% clear
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u/Professional-Face709 8d ago
You said that you (for me, meaning you and the kids) hadn’t seen him since Spring, but you also mentioned spending the Summer with him. Which is it?
My husband has worked away from home a lot. When he felt the need to come home, regardless of expense, I supported it.
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u/Which-Guard8552 7d ago
I said he has been away since spring, meaning that’s when he started his job, not that we haven’t seen him since spring. Both myself and the kids have seen him many times since that point. We spent the summer with him down where his job is.
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u/Bck2BckAAUNatlChamps 10d ago
I’ll spend $600 to see my kids for the first time in 6 months and never think twice about it. I was expecting this to be some $4,000+ international ticket where the price was finally reaching a point of having to question waiting a little longer.
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u/-worstcasescenario- 10d ago
I found it more interacting that your husband didn’t come home for the birth of a child.
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u/Beck943 Partassipant [2] 10d ago
Er, check your math again. 9 months ago was January, before the "last spring" so he was home.
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u/-worstcasescenario- 9d ago
I read that grammatically as “2 (months) and 9 months.” Upon further review that math is also suspect.
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u/ArrivalWest9317 10d ago
yta. if I was missing an entire year of my young children’s lives, nothing could keep me from coming home on thanksgiving.
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u/SnooPeanuts666 10d ago
He needs to grow up. Yes missing holidays with family sucks but it’s one thanksgiving out of a lifetime of them. He’s taking his irritation of not logically getting his way out on you instead of accepting reality or paying for a short lived experience.
You’re NTA
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u/Stunning-Joke-3466 10d ago
Here's my thought.... yes people like to spent holidays together, but things happen and that can't always happen on the actual day of the holiday. His family should celebrate Thanksgiving a different day. Do all the food and stuff like you normally would. If they are football watchers, have someone record the game to watch or even a different game if they aren't interested in the teams playing). And choose a day/time where flight is cheaper. This way, everyone gets to have the holiday celebration together and you don't have to spend an arm and a leg to have him fly home on an expensive travel day. Best of both worlds. It's not the actual specific date that is important but that you all get to see each other and spend the time together.
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u/ImaginaryAd5712 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
NTA it was decided by the husband wasn’t going to come home until the brother made him feel guilty.
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u/Legal_Ad_9812 Partassipant [3] 9d ago
NTA. This is an irresponsible use of money for limited time, additionally he will be home for a couple weeks the very next month. Presumably he’s doing this because it pays well (or better than anything he could get locally). Why waste the extra money for a day or two of actual time together?
I’d say NAH, because I get where your husband is coming from, but the brother is an AH… so I can’t say no AHs.
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u/Magic-Happens-Here Partassipant [1] 9d ago
In November 2006, I took an extra shift so a coworker could have Thanksgiving off to spend with her family - She had kids and family is important. At the time, most of my siblings and I were adults and the youngest was a typical 15yr old kid who hated the world and thought everything was lame. So, I thought Why not, I’ll take the double-time and we’ll be together next month for Christmas anyhow.
On November 27, 2006 my dad died. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t showing signs of “slowing down” or anything else. He had an aneurysm and died sitting in his favorite chair, I went over because he was supposed to give me a ride to the dentist for a minor procedure and found him a few hours later with a bowl of cereal still balanced in his hand.
It was the worst day of my life and I will never miss an opportunity to spend time with my family again. Sometimes you get warning signs, sometimes you don’t.
If it’s not going to harm you financially in the grand scheme of things, time with family is always worth it, even if it takes more effort and isn’t as much time as you’d choose because you truly don’t know when your last chance will be.
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u/legitimatehotslide 9d ago
So you’d rather your husband spend Thanksgiving alone than shell out the $600? But $200 less is worth it? Cmon this is silly. Though I’d say he should spend that time home with you and his two small children, not his parents.
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u/Gabbyct1 9d ago
Thanksgiving is a super expensive time to fly anywhere and its literally just 1 day of food. People have such weird expectations about family all needing to be together for this particular day, I dont get it. It sound slike he will be home for December holidays which is 4 weeks.
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u/Miss_Ing_Piece 9d ago
Get a travel credit card. Move all your expenses to it so his travel wont cost you as much in the future.
Also, as a former active duty military spouse, I recommend that you stop concerning yourself with money when it comes to your spouse coming home. He wants to come home to see his family, so let him keep that as a priority.
It sets a good standard for your kids, it shows his family that the family is a priority to the both of you, as well.
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u/ReasonableRutabaga89 9d ago
I'm not sure how this got an asshole rating, it doesn't make sense to come home for a short weekend when he could have extra days at Christmas if he waits. NTA
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u/momthom427 9d ago
Last year, my son was far working far away from home not near a major airport. For thanksgiving, he would have had a 45 minute drive to the closest small airport, a flight from there to Atlanta, and another home. All for (best case scenario) Thursday afternoon and leaving Saturday night or early Sunday, on the busiest travel days of the year. It was also going to cost $800-$900. As much as we hated it, it just didn’t make sense to have him travel, especially when he was coming for Christmas three weeks later. We missed him terribly, but made sure he had a special meal planned for himself, and we chatted and watched football together over FaceTime. It wasn’t what we wanted, but it was what made sense. Do what’s responsible and reasonable for your family.
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u/maggie_the_cat_ 9d ago
I feel so bad for the husband because he’s in a lose lose situation. He probably doesn’t even know what he actually wants to do because he’s caught between two people he wants to keep happy. I’m a people pleaser myself and it’s not easy to block out the noise and go with your own gut on these situations.
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u/Equivalent_Author909 9d ago
I dont have an opinion but i find it interesting that OP will only respond with people who agree with her and doesn’t consider the other side at all. This is just a post to make her feel good about being a wife who doesnt consider her husbands feelings and only hers and her brother in laws, which is super weird.
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u/Unlikely-Peace1268 9d ago
Maybe I’m out of the loop but 600 doesn’t seem like too much money for travel? I’ve literally spent more flying my girlfriend up for the weekend when I used to travel for work.
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u/WholeWillingness5796 8d ago
Your plane tickets are so expensive bc you'r e doing them on Thanksgiving Day. Have him come a couple days earlier and leave a couple days later and everything will be much cheaper. The man deserves to see his family.
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u/Which-Guard8552 4d ago
He can’t, that’s the issue. He was originally going to come for a week (Tuesday - Tuesday) but his PTO is likely going to be rescinded
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u/echosync3 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
I feel like both things can be true you can miss him and still think the trip makes zero sense.Family guilt has a way of making people second guess perfectly reasonable plans.