I am so sick and tired of the "man bad woman good" shit that I see in queer spaces. No I am not a goddamn "gender traitor" for being a guy. No I will not magically become an abuser when I get on T. No, I am not a confused girl who "became trans" to escape the patriarchy due to trauma. And that because of that, I need to be "guided" back into the joys of womanhood. If anything a good chunk of my trauma came from my inherent discomfort with being called a girl (though at the time I didn't really know I was trans). No, I don't like being malgendered. I don't like it when people try to attribute negative things to manhood and label me like that in the name of gender affirmation. Saying shit like "you look so much like a guy, I almost mistook you for a bigot" is abhorrent. It's not funny and it just makes me feel bad. I wish I could talk about my experiences as a "girl" growing up without people trying to pick it apart and "point out" which trauma is the "cause" of me being trans. Or that I'm clinging to my agab.

Made the mistake of being the only guy, + the only trans person, in an all cis bi women friend group. Never again.

They couldn’t tell I was trans till I told them, they had no problem gendering correctly before but “suddenly” slipped up multiple times closer to when I cut them all out.

They made fun of other “weirdo trans people” because they saw me as one of the “normal ones”.

They liked to parade their bi-ness around as a sign of being a minority. All of them had boyfriends and were not queer in any way, none of them would ever have to get hate crimed for being visibly queer nor trans. I don’t care if people are bi with a preference for the opposite gender, hell I’m bi myself, but I don’t want to hear about how you’re just as oppressed as a visibly queer person just for being bi and hella straight passing. They equated transphobia and homophobia as “basically” being the same thing, they often would straight up ignore/minimize blatant transphobia.

I couldn’t ever go to them about any personal problems/struggles I had with my gender and society, any attempt it was clearly over their heads, or they looked at me like I was almost delusional.

Being the only trans person you know, especially within your friend group, is one of the loneliest feelings.

If my future friend groups don’t have at least one or two other trans people besides myself, then I’m out.

That’s basically how I’ve felt my entire life. I’ve been on T over a year now. I’m gendered correctly 95% of the time. I can even see changes myself when I look in the mirror. But deep down I still have thoughts that I’m a woman “pretending” to be a guy. Like it’s just something I really want to be but never can be.

It seems like internalised transphobia for sure but I don’t know how to shift it. And if it’s important I can say for certain that I’ve never had this thought about another trans person, only me.

When people affirm me to help like “you ARE a man” it almost makes me feel kinda icky? I say thanks but in my head I’m like “I know I’m not though, but thanks for pretending”. I struggle badly with chest and bottom dysphoria and I just can’t afford to deal with it at this moment and time. Something I’m working towards but I do think that whilst I have the body of a woman, I can never feel like a man. And that’s difficult to come to terms with

I wish I was a cis boy... i wish I had a male body, I wish he/him pronouns came naturally me. I'm not a cis boy and it makes me want to kms. Being trans makes me want to kms. I will never be a cis boy and it makes me want to die.

i feel like no one talks about how embarrassing and shameful it is to be trans. i hear a lot about how scary and hard it is, and i agree, it is, but i feel shame and embarrassment more than i do fear.

i used to love going out but now i feel like everyone is looking at me and knows what i am. and i feel so ashamed to be what i am. i know that no one is really looking at me like that but its just hard to really believe that.

I always feel this anxious and almost vomit-inducing sense of "fear" or I space out when I'm in public with anyone, even my family. even if I want to go somewhere I always say no or have to force myself to go.

I just don't want to be this and I hate that I am. idk if I sound stupid but I just feel...idk out of place?

Transitioning seems too good to be true. Living as a man, that feels like a far away dream I can never reach. I cant imagine how things could get better, how I could be anything but this disappointing form.

I look at the world. So pessimistic. They say AI is going to get more dangerous. They say climate change continues to worsen. I hear relatives who consider WW3 very possible in my life.

Yknow what I think? I have this gut feeling I'll die in the next 2 years. I doubt that im making it to 18. I cant envision the future I wish for coming true. I think Im going to die unexpectedly before I get the chance to transition. Maybe Ill get hit by a car. Crossing streets make me stressed, perhaps for good reason. I hear the plague is getting cases again. Maybe itll spread throughout Canada and kill me. My aunt used to tell me that Putin could blow up the world, so that could be it too.

I just have a bad feeling. I really dont want this. I want to transition before I die. I dont have to live long. 40 would be enough. I just want time to live as a man. Im worried. Sure, I may never be a husband to a wife or be seen as a son by my parents anyways. But id atleast like to get the chance.

I hope if i die, they atleast cremate me. I dont want a girls name that never felt right on my grave. I dont want this body that sickens me to be filled with preservatives. Just imaging such a thing nauseates me. And what makes me feel worse, if i die now, im not out to anyone but my cousin. If anyone "remembers me", theyll only know the facade i have put on. They may know me well in all other ways, but one increasingly miserable performance will be paraded as true reality. I dont want that.

Im scared.

i hang out with my friends and go to parties and do well in school but nothing ever changes the fact that i was born female. my parents won’t let me start hrt. im going to have to do it myself. it will strain our relationship so bad. but i need it to survive.

i feel so sick. my life should be good, i should be happy, but i can’t be as happy as i would be if i was cis— hell, even if i was able to access medical transition.

i know im young and it’s never too late, but im trapped in the worst body possible for the best years of my life and it puts such a damper on it all.

i pass like 60% of the time in public and my parents call me the right pronouns (i have a male name so didnt have to change it), so i should be lucky, especially compared to my friend’s parents who are terribly transphobic, but i just feel so much disdain for my parents.

i get that they’re trying their best. i get that they’re trying to do the best for me. but i have a gender doctor and a therapist who both say that hrt would be incredibly beneficial and alleviate SOME dysphoria. why won’t they listen to professionals? why prove to me that i have to do everything myself?

it hurts me. my parents claim to be liberal. my parents claim to love me. why keep me trapped in this state? my mom bought me my first binder when i was 12. i love her. i’m mad at her. i wish my dad was more emotional.

in december i will start hrt without their consent. it’s not my first choice but it’s necessary for me to live.

i want someone to talk to about this. i relate to none of my trans friends. i want to sob while writing this

i wish anyone could help me but i feel too far gone

Asking for general advice in navigating this period in my life..

I (FTM 21) feel extremely depressed about not being able to socially transition.

I live in The Baltics and people aren't supportive here especially to trans people. I luckily was able to start hormone replacement therapy but that alone took so much time and resources. My family ignores my coming out at 18 and don't even know ive started medically transitioning. I was forced to go back into the closet socially for uni and work, not that I wasn't fully out to begin with...

At said work place I have to listen to coworkers shit on trans people and gay people while I can't even say anything. I just fear I will be stuck like this forever. I don't have the finances to become financially independent and move away to somewhere safer so I'm just left stuck putting up a facade...

I don't have anyone that could or would support me transitioning and I fear if I do get my leagal documents changed I'd just be a joke to coworkers and family.

I aim to have all the necessary surgeries in the future, but for now, I'm neither old enough nor financially able. I'm extremely jealous of those born with this organ and I get this "why not me" feeling. It's incredibly bad and upsetting; I wish those days would come soon so I could have the surgery. It might sound ridiculous to you but it really upsets me. So, I just wanted to say, maybe someone among you has already had that surgery and has something to say about it, or do you have any suggestions? (I wrote that word like that to avoid getting a warning don't really care that.)

I saw someone bragging about being transandrophobic to their newly out trans son and everyone is encouraging them in the comments. I see this everywhere I go, everyone is fine with hurting people like me and everyone seems to encourage it. When I first came out my parent told me that I would always be a daughter and that I should give up and nobody would ever accept me. I struggled through years of transphobic abuse at home and at school I was called slurs, I was neglected at home, I was abused.. for 5 years I clung to being myself but one day I realized nobody would ever see me and everyone around me kept saying id always be a girl, I wanted to be a femboy and still like the things I liked, I was told I couldn't go on hormones, I was told I didn't know what I wanted and that I wouldn't like bottom surgery or too surgery and id regret it.

Things just got worse and worse until I finally gave up. I went back in the closet, I started doing this like strict rules and stuff that was supposed to fix my transness and if I just tried hard enough to be a girl it would go away, when I got more desperate because my at home conversion therapy wasn't working I tried going on estrogen pills hoping that they would make me feel like a girl but it was the opposite. It didn't work and I started to hope everyday that I could be caught in an accident or die suddenly so I could be reborn different, I would feel like taking a knife to my body so I could change it myself almost everyday I felt like that. I stopped feeling like I could survive, planning to make it to next year became making it to the next six months, became making it to the next month then next week, I couldn't picture a future where I was alive and I didn't really want it to come.

I followed strict rules to fix my gender and sexuality because I felt it was my duty to do this for my family anytime my dysphoria became too much I would think about how angry my family would be and realize it wasn't safe and I didn't want to be hurt again like before. Then suddenly my parent who told me to give up on being trans and who congratulated me on finding myself when I went back in the closet and started my at home conversion therapy came out as a trans woman. I did my best to show her unwavering support and help her but I felt really angry that it was ok for her and not ok for me, she started estrogen really fast, I told her I was still trans and that I needed to transition and that I felt like it wasn't fair that I couldn't and this time she said it was fine. Except when I said I needed to medically transition and that I needed to start testosterone she said I should do everything I can to not do it, that I probably wouldn't like it, that it makes people feel violent, that it turned a nice lesbian she knew into a violent person. I didn't know what to do, I thought about just killing myself because I knew I couldn't go on without testosterone and I was so afraid of becoming something that would make her hate me, but I decided I needed to do it.

Around the same time I started to try to find community online in the same places my parent recommended and I found the most hateful awful people, she didn't agree with these people who I know now are called TRFs but it didn't stop me from being effected by it and I started to notice it was in every trans space I went to just the worst most vicious transandrophobia and isomisogyny mixed with cis terf rhetoric but aimed at transmasc people only if ever seen. I felt trapped before it seemed like everyone just went along with it and I started to fear other trans people because I realized there is no guarantee anyone else is safe just because they are trans, not even other trans men were safe. It was like all the stuff I absorbed through my at home conversion therapy said right back at me by people who would then claim their identity made it ok to say and do even if they had the same identity they would claim they were doing something good for others and that made them one of the good ones. I was getting malgendered constantly by these people and I was rarely at the time gendered correctly by anyone even my parent would still misgender me and I started to associate something that once brought me joy with shame and guilt. Anytime I feel like I deserve to exist or like I deserve to be proud and happy is always undercut by this tightness in my chest and a voice in my head that tells me I'm wrong to feel like this and wrong to feel gender euphoria, even that feeling like I get to take up space and exist as a trans man means I'm somehow making the world worse like I'm some sort of gender traitor because I see other trans people say it constantly.

I want to get back to the place I was before I encountered these people, when I felt so much relief, joy and pride in being my authentic self I thought I could never be sad again. I want to take up space without feeling like my identity or the way I was born makes me inherently guilty or bad. I'm stuck on how to do this when transandrophobia is everywhere I go even in places that are supposed to be safe for all trans people it feels unavoidable. It makes me feel so hopeless. I just wish this behavior wasn't seen as so acceptable and I wish I could be me without people telling me I'm inherently wrong while claiming identity based moral superiority. I know I should not care so much about what other people say but when so many trans people tell me it my moral obligation to witness and absorb abuse like this I don't know what to do. Does anyone know how I can reclaim the feeling I deserve to exist or has experienced something similar? I want to feel gender euphoria without that tightness in my chest.

I know logically all the people who hate us and harm us or tell us we are wrong for transition are bad and incorrect but my emotions don't seem to understand that. I remember the things my parent said to me and I just hurt so much, I remember the things I went through to try and change myself and know I couldn't survive it again, even if it made other people happy it would kill me. I don't pass at all, I've been on testosterone since January almost a year now, I still get called her and ma'am sometimes my parent still calls me she, because she forgets even though I don't forget and gender her correctly. I hate my large chest and I hate that people think I've somehow joined the oppressor when that's not possible and had nothing to do with my lived reality. In reality I'm in more danger than before and in visibly trans and I feel like there is nowhere I can go where I will be truly safe and accepted.

CW : mention of an eating disorder

I never liked how my body looked but the other day i went clothes shopping , i was having a decent time but at one point i went into a cabin to try something on and there were mirrors everywere and i mean EVERYWHERE. I saw how i looked from behind and the binder (which is my size) was squishing my back and it made rolls and all the fat was squished under it. I have a lot of body dysmorphia and dysphoria (being trans and having a full blown ED). This is making me spiral and i cannot wait to have top surgery hoping it makes it better bc without the binder i do not have these rolls and i am hoping to make the voices shut up for good.

Can anyone relate ?

This will probably be a bit jumbled.

Allies are the ones making me believe I'll never be considered a man. They claim to hate men, then will tell you "But not you!". Why not me ? Because I'm a particularly good person ? No, that would be too good. Because I'm trans. And I'm "transmasc" (I'm just a man), so I was AFAB and female socialized, and it's different because I'm a victim of misogyny, and... Ok, call me a woman. I wouldn't care if misandry was just misandry, not my problem, but it's misandry against cis men. Why against cis men and not trans men ? Bingo. Vagina. Because what are we more than vaginas ? Transphobes at least look at you and tell me "You're a confused woman". Allies will tell you "You're a man, you're valid !" but never treat you as a man.

I'm a scientist, so I've done test groups. Going into online and real spaces out as trans, stealth and letting them clock me or not. The results are formal : I get treated like I'm 10 years younger automatically when they know I'm trans... In LGBT spaces. They don't even treat women this way, just trans people ! Even had 1 more "she- I meant he !" which isn't significant, and one bazillion "they". They don't see binary trans men as men, because they see two genders "Cis men" and "Other". And I'll never be a cis man, so I'm in the "not a cis man" category... But it's not "woman"! Remember, we're progressive !

This has led me to not feel "proud" of being trans or anything. I get treated so differently that I have to hide being trans like a dirty secret. Legitimately cannot have a normal social life ever and anywhere. Since I'm mentally disabled, I automatically start relationships with a minus, except in disability positive spaces, that are also LGBT positive spaces and I'm back as a "non man but not a woman because I'm woke".

No idea if it's young people that are like that. Maybe it'll change. But I'm tired of it. Also tired that dysphoria has to be felt as a mild discomfort and not trigger feelings of strong rage or despair, and that you must be happy to be queer like in a sick happiness dictatorship, but that would make my post too long.

Please don't think this is at all my bfs fault. He is the most respectful dude ever. He's cis/bi. I am his first boyfriend, which did scare me at first, but considering he's yelled at his dad for me and takes me to all my T appts, I'd say he's perfect.

I do not really care to pass. I usually don't care about how strangers perceive me. I more care about friends and family. I recently cut my hair, but before that it was like wolfcut with sides shaven. The back was a little below my shoulders. It's also always red/pink. I dress in whatever I think looks good rather than looks masculine. And usually, I don't give a fuck. Usually, I do not get very dysphoric about how strangers perceive me. But I fucking hate being seen as someone's girlfriend. The idea of being a girlfriend makes me want to cry. I'd rather die alone than be a girlfriend.

And it makes it really awkward when we go out. He's a bear, basically. Like looks so stereotypically masculine. Love em to death. Next to him, everyone looks feminine imo. If we are around strangers or his friends, I am not affectionate at all. I try to act more masculine or like I don't exist. I tease more, I won't hold his hand, I pretend to be something I'm not. I also don't like anyone who I don't trust to see me as a guy know I'm not 100% a top. And I hate it. The worst of this was he kept making jokes one time about me sitting on his lap, and didn't understand why I was against it. Afterwards, I explained and he felt so fucking bad (again, he's been perfectly understanding), but I also feel awful. I want to be publicly his boyfriend. I want everyone to know. I love being shown off and spoken about. He's so wonderful, and I feel like I'm failing. But I can't be seen as a girlfriend. And I don't want to change how I dress or my hair. I just wish I was cis and didn't care.

Sorry this is really rambly. This has been affecting me for months.

I'm closeted therefore not medically transitioning but it does help to wear stuff that is simple and comfortable for me and I get by most of the time as I even get called "sir" on few occasions by strangers.

I thought growing up as an ugly tomboyish girl and the trouble that comes with it would fade away over time specially after I realized who I rly was but I like men and they have never liked me in m whole life, not even when I had to present more feminine, I've only been liked by a few girls that think I am a sort of butch lesbian and that makes me feel this sudden overwhelming feeling of disgust with myself, remembering that to most I am an ugly girl. Ik it sounds contradictory, that I have even been liked and that I still feel ugly to the point I almost take it as an insult but I can't help it, it's like to most I am a type of masculine ugly girl that can only be liked by gay girls. It gets so bad when I'm reminded I'm more concerned by the possibility of a nose job than I am to top surgery I almost want to forget about this whole transgender thing and be able to do something about my ugly appearance, wear make up and feminine clothing and then maybe I'd be more respected, bc as an ugly girl I don't exist and I don't matter. But then I can't I feel sick again at the thought of wearing girly things and being a girl so I guess I'm just stuck.

I wanna know if anyone has felt this way and how do you manage or cope with it?

Sometimes I regret having internet access to so many trans experiences because the reality for trans people where I live doesn't involve cheap access to T, even less to top surgery. We're all trans men struggling but there's a huge gap between the situations some of us face, a guy in his early 20s who's had access to testosterone for years and somehow got top surgery before even graduating college can't understand what it's like to go decades trapped in your own body with little hope of change, and that hope is fading as savings dry up and unemployment rises and you have years ahead under a far right government in a region where trans healthcare was already lacking. For me transitioning is something vital but just like my friends know they will never afford their own place or health insurance I know I will never afford transitioning.

Once I get enough money I will stop being miserable forever