Thoughts on cyberpunk comic first chapter

[u/Outside_Tomato_653]

I am wondering what people thoughts are on the story and dialogue of the first chapter of my cyberpunk style comic. I’m not worried about the artwork because I know it’s bad but would like to see opinions on the story and if it would be enough to draw in the reader for more.

[u/KabulaTheBoardgame]

Hi, a few random points hoping they help :)
-No, the art is not enough at this stage. This is story board material, it's great to understand if the story works, and you should totally continue, but at some point you'd need to do improve on the quality or get an artist to do it.

• I think you may need to add a content warning.
  
• The story telling itself works well enough. Considering that it is mostly exposition it could have been boring, but I went through it effortlessly and enjoyed several exchanges (the prostitute not talking to him is great).
  

-Having a main character who is basically bored with life and doesn't do anything to improve his situation is a VERY hard sell. It's OK to make him hopeless (according to where you want this story to be going), but giving him some positive traits may help, even something small. For example, he could settle the tab at the bar, the bar tender asks him if he wants anything and he says e.g. Thanks Eaton but I need my money for something else.
-I would assume life in a super modern city could be very alienating and making people feel alone. Nonetheless nothing in the world building really suggests this. The place looks like a very lively though degraded place. He pays from his watch and that's it, he is not denied alcohol even if he doesn't have funds, also he drives after having drunk with no police checking on him. In short, I don't see how it's the nature of the city affecting his mood and why he should hate it. If you want to make his loneliness purely about him, it's OK, if you wanted to show that the issue is the city I think you should show it more clearly.

[u/Outside_Tomato_653 → u/KabulaTheBoardgame]

I’m likely gonna make the loneliness issue just about him and show how it’s just him alone along with this busy city where everyone’s already got someone. I meant to more intend that he was sick of life than bored of life, so I’m not sure if I missed on that or if those are basically the same thing?

[u/KabulaTheBoardgame → u/Outside_Tomato_653]

No, I think that was clear, probably bad wording on my side :)
It does make sense that someone feeling that way would be negative about the place where he lives, I just wasn't sure how much of the world building you wanted to blend in as a cause.
I'd still be careful on where you want the story to go, starting with a character with no goal/desire/wish or at least core principle, puts you in a weird spot in my opinion.

[u/Outside_Tomato_653 → u/KabulaTheBoardgame]

Idk if you’ve read both but I plan on turning it into a monster mixed with akira so he will pretty much get a goal very soon.

[u/KabulaTheBoardgame → u/Outside_Tomato_653]

very familiar with monster and watched the akira anime ages ago...let's assume he saves the girl, she becomes a mega monster and he makes his mission to put her out :)
Why would he? When things turn bad he'd rather be over with it...
If she becomes his reason to live now, that's a double reason to want out when she is problematic. For what we have read, he never seemed to care for the rest of the world, so why would he become a savior now?

The story of Monster works because Tenma has a super strong belief that human life is the most important thing, and this factors in the dilemma "is it right to kill to save others/is it right to save someone who may kill?"

Maybe you have all of those things sorted out, take it as food for thoughts if not!

[u/Outside_Tomato_653 → u/KabulaTheBoardgame]

Also what I was planning on doing is have this first chapter have been a state of mind and hopelessness that he goes back and forth between(wanting to fight and help and being hopeless). Would that work based on this first chapter? Or do you think I should add in a failed attempt at saving someone go in before this chapter to make it more clear?

[u/KabulaTheBoardgame → u/Outside_Tomato_653]

Mine was general feedback on the story direction, I don't think you need to show everything on chapter 1 (you can add backstory later) and going back and forth between hopelessness and trying to fight is OK and very human.
I don't think you need to add another chapter section, I would be more inclided to modify something of the existing chapter slightly to hint at some of his personality/failed attempts. For example 1) he could pay the tab at the bar to show he at least doesn't want to mess other people because of his own issues 2) he could at least hesitate more between helping or not when he sees somebody in distress. 3) instead of going to buy the gun and going to an alley, he could just be shown in the alley looking at the gun and thinking "is it time I do it, finally?" or something of sort.

Again, I don't think you need to over explain everything, just a hint of the struggle

[u/Outside_Tomato_653 → u/KabulaTheBoardgame]

Oh the girl isn’t the monster, it’s not really the same story of monster like that but it’s gonna have elements of it is what I’m saying