r/comic_crits • u/Outside_Tomato_653 • 5d ago
Thoughts on cyberpunk comic first chapter
I am wondering what people thoughts are on the story and dialogue of the first chapter of my cyberpunk style comic. I’m not worried about the artwork because I know it’s bad but would like to see opinions on the story and if it would be enough to draw in the reader for more.
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u/KabulaTheBoardgame 5d ago
Hi, a few random points hoping they help :)
-No, the art is not enough at this stage. This is story board material, it's great to understand if the story works, and you should totally continue, but at some point you'd need to do improve on the quality or get an artist to do it.
- I think you may need to add a content warning.
- The story telling itself works well enough. Considering that it is mostly exposition it could have been boring, but I went through it effortlessly and enjoyed several exchanges (the prostitute not talking to him is great).
-I would assume life in a super modern city could be very alienating and making people feel alone. Nonetheless nothing in the world building really suggests this. The place looks like a very lively though degraded place. He pays from his watch and that's it, he is not denied alcohol even if he doesn't have funds, also he drives after having drunk with no police checking on him. In short, I don't see how it's the nature of the city affecting his mood and why he should hate it. If you want to make his loneliness purely about him, it's OK, if you wanted to show that the issue is the city I think you should show it more clearly.
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u/Outside_Tomato_653 4d ago
I’m likely gonna make the loneliness issue just about him and show how it’s just him alone along with this busy city where everyone’s already got someone. I meant to more intend that he was sick of life than bored of life, so I’m not sure if I missed on that or if those are basically the same thing?
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u/KabulaTheBoardgame 4d ago
No, I think that was clear, probably bad wording on my side :)
It does make sense that someone feeling that way would be negative about the place where he lives, I just wasn't sure how much of the world building you wanted to blend in as a cause.
I'd still be careful on where you want the story to go, starting with a character with no goal/desire/wish or at least core principle, puts you in a weird spot in my opinion.1
u/Outside_Tomato_653 4d ago
Idk if you’ve read both but I plan on turning it into a monster mixed with akira so he will pretty much get a goal very soon.
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u/KabulaTheBoardgame 4d ago
very familiar with monster and watched the akira anime ages ago...let's assume he saves the girl, she becomes a mega monster and he makes his mission to put her out :)
Why would he? When things turn bad he'd rather be over with it...
If she becomes his reason to live now, that's a double reason to want out when she is problematic. For what we have read, he never seemed to care for the rest of the world, so why would he become a savior now?The story of Monster works because Tenma has a super strong belief that human life is the most important thing, and this factors in the dilemma "is it right to kill to save others/is it right to save someone who may kill?"
Maybe you have all of those things sorted out, take it as food for thoughts if not!
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u/Outside_Tomato_653 3d ago edited 3d ago
Also what I was planning on doing is have this first chapter have been a state of mind and hopelessness that he goes back and forth between(wanting to fight and help and being hopeless). Would that work based on this first chapter? Or do you think I should add in a failed attempt at saving someone go in before this chapter to make it more clear?
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u/KabulaTheBoardgame 3d ago
Mine was general feedback on the story direction, I don't think you need to show everything on chapter 1 (you can add backstory later) and going back and forth between hopelessness and trying to fight is OK and very human.
I don't think you need to add another chapter section, I would be more inclided to modify something of the existing chapter slightly to hint at some of his personality/failed attempts. For example 1) he could pay the tab at the bar to show he at least doesn't want to mess other people because of his own issues 2) he could at least hesitate more between helping or not when he sees somebody in distress. 3) instead of going to buy the gun and going to an alley, he could just be shown in the alley looking at the gun and thinking "is it time I do it, finally?" or something of sort.Again, I don't think you need to over explain everything, just a hint of the struggle
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u/Outside_Tomato_653 3d ago
Oh the girl isn’t the monster, it’s not really the same story of monster like that but it’s gonna have elements of it is what I’m saying
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u/RedBasketDrone 5d ago
It’s not bad for a first draft, kept me reading. For future drafts, draw on sketch paper or hire a professional artist. You got something here though, it’s not much but it’s definitely enough to build off of. I’d rename the city maybe too, Cyber City is a little too cliche.
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u/Outside_Tomato_653 5d ago
I appreciate it. Honestly I just couldn’t think of anything else for a name so I just put cyber city as a kind of place holder.
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u/Kahalla 5d ago
It's a start.
I think the initial monologue is effective, even though its very simple. I think the bar scene adds very little to the story & could be cut to get the main story going sooner.
The couples in the park scene helps us understand why our MC is depressed and suicidal, but it doesn't feel very emotionally impactful. It may be realistic for the MC to be emotionally distant & softspoken, but in a visual story they act as a stage performer- and your goal is to make us feel their pain.
My issue with the gun shop scene is that it feels like the least interesting way to get a gun in MCs hands, especially because he doesn't face any difficulties acquiring it. My rule is either #1 he has the gun from the beginning (which shows he's been considering this already) or #2 he finds the gun under strange circumstances that ropes him into a larger story.
At the end, a woman appears at his feet. There's not much to say here. Only that I hope she isn't the solution to all his problems, because that doesn't make for a very interesting story.
Overall, I recommend spending time looking closely at other comics. This early on, you are driving blind. You would benefit from getting exposure to a variety of comics, taking notes on page layouts, dialogue choices, and panel compositions. Practice writing without images too. Most comic authors write out & edit their scripts in text, then they do panels & rough sketches, then they ink and add text. Good luck.
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u/Outside_Tomato_653 4d ago
I thought about him just finding the gun but realized that wouldn’t work since he finds the girl who is the tie in to the larger story right after. I appreciate all your feedback.
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u/zerhanna 4d ago
I can see you're going for a story about alienation and being put off or tired of life. That's not a bad concept. But in this state, it simply isn't strong enough as a story.
First, why is he tired of life? Seeing a couple together isn't automatically traumatizing. Neither is thinking an attractive person was talking to you when they meant someone else. There has to be something deeper going on--some difficulty he struggles to overcome in his social skills, or a revulsion to what he sees has fake, or shallow, or performative. Maybe the vastness and fast pace of the city make it difficult for him to find meaningful connections.
But I'm not seeing that fleshed out, yet.Second, the bar scene is a bit odd. We know from the gun purchase scene that he has money, so why isn't he paying the tab? Is he clinging to those exchanges with the bartender as a substitute for friendship? Is the bartender his only friend? Does the bartender even know that? What's going on?
Third, the appearance of the woman once he's purchased the gun is abrupt and meaningless, given the way this sample ends. Where is he? Why is she there? And it's hard to tell, but is she stripped to her underwear? Why? (and if the answer is yes, why are they both so calm? Has she been assaulted and now sees a guy with a gun? Is he finding a victim when he was already a rock bottom? The calm doesn't feel right.)
I feel like you have a story in here, but the art isn't doing you any favors. Try writing the story out, no pictures, and see where that takes you. Then, once you know the nuances to the story, maybe you can find an artist to partner with.
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u/TheAmazingSealo 4d ago
Katsuhiro Otomo, is that you?
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