How do i use the mens restrooms??

[u/gray-zulbj]

so im 15, almost 16, and just started 12.5 mg per dose t gel. i wanna say i pass semi well, i usually get gendered correctly and occasionally get the gender neutral pronouns bc i confuse people sometimes but more often than not i get gendered correctly (except for in medical settings where my deadname and the fact that im afab are on my chart) now, i wanna use the mens restrooms, but my mom is so so so highly against it. like the last time i asked if i could use them she yelled at me and said she would “make sure“ i would never use them again, whatever that means. i know its out of fear and concern but dang. how should i go about this? i want to, because in womens restrooms i make the women in there visibly uncomfortable or confused. its also extremely dysphoric and uncomfortable for me too. i try to keep my head low and just get in and out, but ive had a few negative experiences using the womens room because of the fact im trans and look out of place in there. to ease my mom into the idea, ive suggested using mens restrooms only in safer places like libraries, small shops, bathrooms of places that are openly lgbtq+ friendly, etc, but its still a very hard no. what do i do?

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[u/porksodafan106]

Please iterate to your mom that since you pass as male, it could be more dangerous for you in the women's room. I know a trans man who, early in his medical transition, used the women's room because he assumed he didn't pass. One of the dads of a girl using the restroom blocked him in and refused to let him come out until the cops came because he assumed he was preying on his kid. Luckily he explained the situation to the cops and they let him go, but if you live in a red state it could have awful repercussions

[u/gray-zulbj → u/porksodafan106]

thank you. i will try to have a talk with her bc thats scary. i would never want stopped by cops just for using the restroom. thank you

[u/ZKatze → u/gray-zulbj]

You can also show her this article:

Transgender man was beaten by 3 men for using women’s restroom. Then he got arrested. https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/07/transgender-man-beaten-3-men-using-womens-restroom-got-arrested/

You're on T now, your mom could put you into some serious danger, if she keeps this up going forward.

[u/Capri-began]

Dont know about your mom and how she figures out you use them but

Mens restrooms are always dirty and disgusting, if its not, think like it is. I always clean it up before i use it cause i dont want to catch anything

There's no bucket next to the toilet

When you enter dont look around too much between men. Make it feel normal until it feels normal

Never had to talk to no one inside

Make sure to have locked the door somehow :)

This is what i got now. I have enough passing that makes me feel uncomfortable in women's bathroom (i do feel better using that one btw) sometimes i switch if there's all urinals or out of service toilets

Just.. be casual

[u/gray-zulbj → u/Capri-began]

thanks! i gotta just figure out the mom situation now

[u/RoseSpades]

I worried about what bathroom to use early on in transition. But I knew it was safer to use the men's when a woman yelled at me I was going into the wrong washroom; I was still using the women's washroom because I hadn't started hormones yet. I've used the men's washroom since then. Even when I occasionally wear makeup/nail polish I have used the men's with no problem/no comment.

I worry that forcing you to use the women's washroom puts your safety at risk.

[u/gray-zulbj → u/RoseSpades]

I'm so sorry you got yelled at, I would be scared shitless. I've gotten some looks and this one lady gave me a NASTY look for using the women's. I agree that it's a bit of a safety risk, I'll try to discuss it with my mom 

[u/Top_Sky_4731]

Just get in, do your business, and get out. No eye contact, no lingering, no looking around. Be confident about your actions.

As for your mom, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. You don’t need her blessing to use the correct bathroom for you. It’s better for you to have less dysphoria and not make women uncomfortable. Honestly if you pass most of the time you’re probably going to have more issues in the women’s room than the men’s.

[u/plutopsyche]

The "men's washrooms are dirtier" thing depends on where you are. In Canada, they're about the same as women's washrooms. However, those with urinal pucks do smell worse, but I'm autistic and have scent sensitivity, so ymmv.

Personally, I've experienced less harassment in men's washrooms and feel safer using them.

Just walk into the stall or wait for it to be free, just like you would in a woman's washroom. You don't need to explain anything. Lots of guys are pee-shy and prefer stalls, and even cis men have to poop.

It's just a washroom. It's honestly not that big a big deal.

[u/gray-zulbj → u/plutopsyche]

I'm also autistic and smell sensitive so if I'll just see how this goes for me lol. I'm in the USA so men here are kinda gross with the bathrooms 😬