Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week!

The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

He calls a pest control specialist, who arrives thirty minutes later carrying a net, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a tiny, hyperactive Chihuahua named Buster.
The homeowner looks at the gear in confusion. "How does this work?"
The specialist explains, "It's simple. I climb up the tree, shake the branch, and knock the gorilla down. When he hits the ground, Buster here is trained to instantly bite him directly in the testicles. The gorilla will curl up in pain, and you drop the net over him. Got it?"
The homeowner nods. "Got it. But... what’s the shotgun for?"
The specialist hands him the shotgun and says, "If I fall out of the tree first, shoot Buster."

Zeus the Greek God was flying around.

He saw a beautiful lady taking bath by a stream.

He descended upon her and made passionate love.

When they were done he told her "After 9 months you will have a boy. You will name him Hercules".

The lady looked him in the eye and said "After 9 days you will have a rash. You will name it Herpes".

I heard it’s terribly cold in Russia, so I called my friend in Russia and asked her, ‘How many degrees Celsius is it over there where you are?’
‘Well, right now, it’s probably around −20°C.’
‘Oh, that’s not so bad! On TV here, they’re saying you’re having temperatures of −50 degrees!’
‘OH, YOU MEANT OUTSIDE!’

A little boy was confessing to the priest that he killed a butterfly.
The priest replied: well that means no butter for a month.

The boy then said that he also killed a cockroach.

The priest responded: nice try

He asked which ones.

“Electricity, gas, and water.”

The first bottle had orange pills, the second had green pills and the third had blue pills.

The Doctor said,

"Okay, Here is what I would like you to do. Every morning take one of the orange pills with a large glass of water, every afternoon, take one of the green pills with a large glass of water, and every evening take one of the blue pills with a large glass of water"

"What's wrong with me?"

"It's simple, you're dehydrated"

If they didn't, they would have hit the visitor center, nobody wants that.

Autocorrect jumped in and changed it to "Shirley, you can't be serious."

I was baffled for a moment, then I realized...

I had left my phone on Airplane! mode.

Little Jimmy raises his hand. "My dad's a magician!"

"Oh, how fun! What kind of tricks does he do?"

"Every Friday he goes to the casino and makes all our money disappear."

"...Oh."

"Last month he made the whole car disappear."

The teacher tries to keep it positive. "Well, can he make anything reappear?"

"Yep! Uncle Steve. Every Friday, like five minutes after Dad leaves."

Fuck knows

the U.S. government decided to install a nationwide seismic monitoring system.
A few days later, the National Earthquake Monitoring Center sent an urgent message to the Sheriff’s Office in the tiny town of Possum Creek, Alabama:
“WARNING: Possible seismic activity in your area. Extremely dangerous. Richter magnitude above 7. Epicenter located 2 miles outside town. Take immediate action. Report results ASAP.”
A week went by without a single response.
Finally, the National Earthquake Monitoring Center received a telegram from the local sheriff:
“This is Sheriff Billy Bob Johnson of Possum Creek.
We got the whole Seismic gang rounded up and shut down their operation. That fella Richter tried to make a run for it, but we shot his ass dead.
We raided every red-light district in the county and locked up all the hookers.
We also arrested Epicenter, his cousin Eddie Center, and three other sons of bitches.
Sorry we didn’t get back to y’all sooner, but we’ve been dealing with one hell of a goddamn earthquake down here!”

They go up to heaven and St. Peter’s at the gate. He said, “I’m afraid you’re each going to have to answer a question before you come in.” He added, “don’t worry, the questions are easy.” He asked the first nun, “who was the first woman?”

She said, “Eve.”

Peter said, “Yeah, you’re in.” To the second nun, he asked, “Where did Eve live?”

The second nun said, “The garden of Eden.”

Peter said, “That’s right. You’re in.”

To the third nun, mother superior, Peter said “I have to ask you a slightly more difficult question. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?”

Mother superior thought a bit and said, “Oh, that’s a hard one.”

St. Peter said, “Yup, you’re in.”

Camembert.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t working - so I gave it to destiny instead.

The Native Americans go to ask the shaman what the winter will be like.
The shaman scatters some pebbles on the ground, but he can’t read anything from them. To be safe, he says: “The Great Manitou has spoken”, and tells the Native Americans that the winter will be harsh, so they’d better start chopping firewood.
A week later, the Native Americans return to the shaman and ask what the winter will be like. The shaman scatters the pebbles again, but still can’t read anything. Again, to be safe, says the Great Manitou has spoken and tells them the winter will be harsh, so everyone should keep chopping firewood.
Another week later, the Native Americans return once more.
Now the shaman starts to have his doubts. So he runs over the hill to ask the meteorological station what the winter will be like.
“We have absolutely no idea,” says one meteorologist.
“It’s going to be a harsh winter,” says another.
“How do you know?” the shaman asks.
“Because the Native Americans have been chopping firewood for three weeks already!”

No Shit-Share Lock

Mr. Bus

except for Greek Mythology. It was always my Achille’s elbow.

And into the barber shop walks a boy about 5 years old.

The barber leans to the man and says "Watch how dumb this kid is."

The barber calls the little boy over and says, "Do you want this 1 dollar bill? Or would you rather have 2 shiny quarters?"

The little boy proudly exclaims "2 is better than one of course!" And takes the 50 cents and leaves.

As the man leaves the barber shop, the boy is standing on the street and the man says "hey, young man, you know that $1 is worth more than 2 quarters, right?"

"Yes sir" replies the kid, "But the day I take the dollar, he stops doing it. I make $2 a week this way!"

He said, "Well, it makes scents if you think about it."