Sometimes it’s hard, my partner hates the cutlery I’ve thrifted , but it was self defense. He purchased the worst feeling cutlery I’ve ever experienced, like the edges aren’t rounded at all, leaving my fingers feeling cut into
Should double check that she even knows she’s doing it differently than you (see:wrong).
I’ve asked my fiancée why she always puts the TP roll on backwards, hoping for a compelling explanation. Nope, had no idea she was doing it. Just something about how she does it absentmindedly always makes it backwards.
My husband always puts the sheets on sideways and swears it doesn't matter. The stripes go up and down but he always puts them sideways. Even the little tags on the sheets say Top or bottom, so you know which way to turn them. I know for a fact he's doing it on purpose to "prove" he doesn't have to do it my way.
This is a hill to die on for me. I want the kitchen arranged how it makes the most sense to me. I had a relative staying with me who rearranged my spice cabinet, I nearly killed him over it.
Certain things just aren’t worth bringing up. Like is she happy how the kitchen is organized? Yah? Does it bother you it’s set up her way? No? Let it go.
If I commented every time my partner did something that pissed me off I’d be out of the most beautiful and thoughtful person I have ever met in my life. I’ll take the minor inconveniences for a lifetime of hanging out with my person.
Personally, I like to be very clear and communicative. If she doesnt use the space, why does she want to dictate how its laid out? Its obviously not optimal for the person using the kitchen. That seems like a very minor problem with probably very easy solutions.
Do what works for you, but to me, just being able to have that conversation without pissing someone off is a necessary trait in a partner. Just brushing stuff off and not acknowledging things that are pointlessly annoying to keep the peace is not how I want to be with a partner.
If you were I would think you understand what is being weak willed or standing up for actual important things, not how the fucking kitchen is set up lol.
The irony is that one party is willing to die on a hill about how the kitchen is set up when it doesn't affect her, and the one who it does affect you're telling to suck it up.
This problem isn't the real problem; it's a symptom, and fixing the real problem - one partner being domineering is absolutely something to take a stand on.
Did I tell him to suck it up? If it’s a problem handle it, what I’m pointing out is the guy saying they have ineffective communication is assuming this off a single sentence that he read one way when it could be meant as something entirely different. Judging a relationships communication off a Reddit post is absolutely ridiculous.
Why does it have to be "standing up" for things? Can't you just talk to your partner about preferences? It should not be that big a deal where you have to start talking about picking battles or such
Original commenter was joking, of course, but still
That’s the point I’m making. If it was an issue say something if it’s not, it shouldn’t matter. People make it sound like the original comment guy is being domineered by his partner. Even if he was some people like that shit, stop pushing your communication standards on to others.
I'm pretty sure if you do the cooking and the other person who doesn't cook dictates how things are set up, you're probably not happy with how it's set up.
I blame it on social media, everyone wants to share their “vision” and one small deviation is seen as the spark of a rebellion against someone’s reality.
I’ve even been guilty of this, when at work I had told someone they were putting supplies in the wrong spot, they then informed me why they were doing it like that, and I realized “hey that’s actually genius”
Social media has definitely amplified it, but as a kid I remember wanting to be an adult so I could be the one that could get mad and yell at people bc thats how my mom was.
I sometimes teach other coworkers at my part-time job and I tell them that I always have a rationale for why I do things a certain way- ask if they ever wonder why. It’s either safety, ergonomics, or efficiency. Obviously a combination of the three.
That’s the benefits of being an over-thinker and an always-improver.
Hot take: life is mostly uncontrollable and its nice to have at least some space you havr control over. Controlling the whole house? Red flag, controlling the kitchen or shed or man cave and not having to compromise? Go nuts
There is no "hot take" It's just virtue signalling that you are looking for a verbal confrontation.
We all want control over something. We all succeed and fail to some degree. In the areas were we succeed, we often go nuts. Not always good, not always bad, but we all enjoy it when it happens.
Okay but in that scenario, perhaps the answer is not to date that person anymore, as they aren’t a good or supportive partner and are quite likely being emotionally abusive.
ETA: just saw your other comments. Your choices seem pretty shitty, I’m sorry man. You might want to consider how seeing this type of dysfunction accepted by you will affect your kids in the longterm too though, and factor that into some of the loss you’ll deal with if you leave her. My parents not getting divorced when they should have kind of fucked up my idea of what a relationship should be / what kind of treatment I should accept, and it took me years to look for a different type of love.
We always hear “relationships are hard work”. I think a lot of people take that to mean “we fight all the time, but that’s normal. Relationships are hard work, right?”
People who don't cook but care about kitchen layouts have zero respect for pragmatism, and will focus on aesthetics and appearances.
Basically, it's the ol' "architect vs engineer" debate, i.e. architect is like "Hey this would look really cool!" and engineer is like "That...makes zero sense from a structural viewpoint, and would weaken the structure"
It doesn't matter if your grandmas ugly cast iron is your favorite pan, that shit is going in the farthest reaches of the kitchen while the fancy hex-clad that looks cool is going to hang up right in front of your face in the middle of the island for everyone to see.
Yeah I do all the cooking but I really don’t care that much about most home decor or furniture arrangements. My wife might make kitchen suggestions, but it’s pretty well established that it’s my domain. I have told her if she’d like to cook more she is welcome to move things around as long as I can still find my things. She doesn’t want to cook and I’m okay with that. Gotta talk
Have you ever tried to advocate for yourself but the other person doesn't listen because they only see things their way?
You can advocate as much as you like, and they will come up with a reason why it should be their way.
I had a guy at my office who used to move my motorcycle by a couple feet so he could jam his shitty car into the same parking spot as my bike. When I confronted him, he said if I parked better and more considerate that he wouldn't need to move my bike. I told him not to fucking touch it again.
In a week, I had about 4 different coworkers come up to me and ask if I could park my bike at the top of the stall so this dude could park his car out front instead of having to park out back (he arrived later than all of us). I drove my trunk in the next day and stopped riding my bike to work. I've been told I'm a petty asshole.
Good luck advocating for the right to a parking spot just like everyone else...
I also cook 90% of the time in my household but my wife picked the entire kitchen layout, down to the cups needing to be upside down in the cupboard even though it has a cabinet door. I clean the cups rim B4 I use them as it grosses me out they are sliding on the cupboard we only wipe out a few times a year.
I rearranged the pots one time because the one I use the most was always buried. Just changed the order of them from front to back. 1.5 months later my wife goes looking for the one I swapped places with. That was a fun day...
I share the other story instead, cuz people will just tell me I shouldn't put up with what I put up with at home... But such is life.
The person who majority cooks controls the arrangement. Period.
It’s why I have to put up with certain utensils being in drawers that I don’t quite understand why my husband put them there.
Unless your partner has some kind of OCD where it causes them distress for things to not be put in a specific place/way but I’m assuming that’s not what your wife’s issue is.
My former spouse loved to cook and was good at it. What eh didn’t do, was clean it out anything away. So if there had been contention about where things went, he wouldn’t have gotten a say. (This was never an issue btw just hypothetically). Now if I rearranged something, and he couldn’t find it, because he’s a man, I’d hear about it.
If the other person does the cleaning afterwards, which I think is sometimes a general rule for couples (not mine, it changes), I think it’s the person who puts things away to put them where the cooker prefers them to be.
But that’s for each couple to figure out, that’s just what I personally see as being fair. But maybe that’s because I really really hate cooking so I’ll cater to anyone who is willing to do it for me lmao
She likes the nice utensils out on the counter along with a spice rack. I want them in drawers and cupboards. She like to see a lot of stuff I like clean counters. I’m not dying in this hill so she can do it how she wants
This is correct. You could apply all logic. Aesthetic will conquer function in some areas of a marriage-home-decor arena. I do 99% of all cooking. I get to decide what cooking utensils we have (I.e. not fucking teal spatulas) but not how things are arranged. I move it, she moves it back to where she wants it. The battle is over but the war rages on.
My wife and I have been married for 20 years. This was the only argument we ever had, and it was super early in our relationship. We'd been living together for three years and I cooked 95% of our meals, and always cleaned the kitchen. She would rearrange things, hide stuff, and "do things that made sense."
It got to a point where I said either we split up, or she can take over cooking, because I was done. And then she stopped messing with things, bc she hates cooking more than she cared about a bunch of weird appliance placements that a) made no sense and b) had zero bearing in her anyway.
Literally our only fight, and it was like 22 yrs ago lol
You know, I let my wife dictate most of our relationship because I’m a pretty easygoing guy and went with the flow the majority of the time, however she got so used to getting her way that it became expected. When I finally did push back she asked for a divorce within a few months. Just a little advice, stand your ground. A compromise is better than letting her have her way.
The fact it's a hill you need to die on at all is what seems like the problem to me. I assume you've brought up that you like things in different places bc they are easier for you to access when you're cooking. What's her response? Do your feelings matter?
It’s basically I don’t like things on the counter and she likes the decorative look of a utensil holder, spice rack and stuff like that. Drawers and cupboards are laid out fine.
I have to trim the hedge every year, it s a hassle. When I say we should consider trim it way down in height and thickness to make it easier "but people will see in the garden". So now I remember every year I wonder why I don't make it easier for myself and shorten the hedge instead of just trimming the new branches. Yeah. Same fight
100% the same. Somehow the ice cream maker she’s used once in 10 years gets valuable counter space, but the mortar and pestle I use every single day cannot possibly stay on the counter.
My husband will get into this hyperfocused mood and “organize” without a plan, then the next day I get to put everything back and he gets mad that I’m not appreciative of his work. Like don’t organize the kitchen, with your height in mind, when my short ass does most of the cooking.
It’s always the cook who should organize their own “working” space. Since I finally have my own kitchen, I notice how much different my arrangements differ from my grandmas, mom’s or MILs. It was always “whoever cooks has a say, otherwise stay out of it. And oldest cook holds veto right for everything“.
Then she can wash everything and put it back wherever she wants it to go. My ex wouldn’t cook, wouldn’t go to the grocery store and wouldn’t even help clean up after I cooked. One of the reasons she’s my ex
It's insane. She just puts shit wherever! I've been a chef for 20+ years and I'm the only one at home that cooks...and she's worried about her "aesthetic perspective".
It doesn't need clutter and tchochkes and froofroo shit that gets in the way and serves no purpose.
My husband cooks AND decides on how the kitchen is laid out lol. The cheek of him! Tonight after he goes to bed, I’m going to turn the breadbox on its side and see what happens 🤪
My partner and I both cook, but 70/30 in my favor most weeks. She insists on the kitchen being a certain way. I don't care enough to argue, but some of the set-up is so counter-intuitive it hurts.
I am the wife and I am the cook. My kitchen may not be aesthetic but everything is where I want it, except my cooking utensils. They are too far away from the stove for my liking, but the current layout doesn't have drawers next to the stove and I have hairy pets so I don't want them on my microscopic counter space.
Edit: Also my air fryer is in the living room, and the bread machine is in my office. The kitchen is 10x10 with five entrances.
In some of my past relationships, absolutely the same. If I am doing nearly all the cooking, I want the kitchen tailored to me (I'm fine with compromise, too).
I always would get mad when I was blamed for moving things that haven't moved in years.
Dude, you gotta put your foot down. I cook for my wife, and when we moved in together she put the kitchen together while I was away on a work trip
When I got home I politely explained that the kitchen didn't make any sense, and I needed to rearrange everything (I used to work in professional kitchens). she can decorate the bedroom however she wants. Same for most the house. But the kitchen is as much a workstation as my garage is. It has my tools, and I'm the one working here, so I'm organizing. She gets to decide what art and hanging plants go in the kitchen. And if I tried organizing her office, she would probably beat my ass. We all need to have our curated workspaces.
The cupboards and drawers are fine. My debate with her is him much stuff goes on the counter. She likes decorative utensils and a spice rack out, I don’t.
The war is winnable, but with some people who don't have empathy, you have to force them to experience what they're putting on you:
I had that problem with my mom when I was a teenager. She insisted after 15 years of the shower curtain being left in one place that it should be left at the other end of the tub where it was in the way of the taps. I tried talking to her about how it was in the way. She countered that she was trying to hide the peeling wallpaper. I tried to compromize and say it didn't bother me, but I'd put the shower curtain there if we had company coming over...nothing was getting through - she kept moving it.
I finally settled on the "make them feel your pain" strategy. Whenever she moved the curtain, I'd go into her bathroom and move some of her things to the other side of the sink.
After a week she asked me at the dinner table if I was moving her things, and I said yes. She asked why, and I said she'd figure it out.
A couple days later she asked if it was because she was moving the shower curtain, and I said yes. The shower curtain stopped being moved.
300
u/Ok-Entertainment5045 7h ago
My wife doesn’t cook, I do. She insists it’s up to her how the kitchen is arranged. You can’t win this war.