I was cheated on in a relationship that I genuinely believed was going to be something real. It messed with my ability to trust people in ways I don't think I fully understood at the time.

I thought I had moved on. I started therapy, worked on myself, tried to understand what happened and eventually started seeing someone new.

And now I'm terrified that I'm becoming the problem.

The person I'm with now hasn't done the things my ex did, but sometimes the smallest things trigger something in me. A delayed reply. A change in tone. Something they say that reminds me of something from the past. And suddenly my brain starts putting together a story that isn't necessarily real.

I overthink. I get scared. I look for signs that I'm going to be hurt again. Sometimes I need reassurance and don't know how to ask for it without feeling needy. Sometimes I react to something happening now as though I'm still living through what happened before.

And afterwards I hate myself for it.

I know it's not fair to make someone new pay for what someone else did to me. I know they aren't my ex. I know I can't keep bleeding on someone who didn't cause the wound.

But knowing that doesn't magically make the fear disappear.

Lately I've started wondering if maybe I'm just not capable of having a healthy relationship anymore. Maybe I'm too damaged. Maybe my trust issues are too much. Maybe nobody will ever be able to love me without eventually getting tired of dealing with everything that comes with me.

And that thought has gotten really dark.

Sometimes I genuinely think that I don't deserve love. Sometimes I think I'm going to end up alone because I'm too traumatised to let anyone close without eventually pushing them away.

I've even caught myself thinking that maybe I should just die because I don't see what the point is if I'm never going to be capable of being loved properly or loving someone without destroying it.

I don't actually want my life to be defined by what someone else did to me. I don't want to lose something good because I'm still fighting ghosts from an old relationship.

I just don't know how to stop. I hate myself for hurting people. I'm scared i am really scared.

So I have experienced lots and lots of trauma, the same hands ✋️, that dealt the blows, created a strength 💪 they could never comprehend and will never be able to bend.

I was playing VR while I was 16-17, I was naive and would look up to people older than me a lot, I would even see them as parental figures sometimes, that's how much I trusted them

Then one day, I go to this world and met the world owner

She was around her 30s, I think and I liked her cuz she seemed friendly, I also told her I was a minor at the time

We had some banter then she told me to go to her near the mirror

Then her friends made some joke about how she "has another one" now

I didn't know what they could be referring to, I thought it might be sexual but I got confused cuz, surely they wouldn't be sexualizing a kid

Then this woman, she was using a full VR suit btw, started caressing my hair and kissing my head a lot and complimenting me

I froze, I don't know if I was scared or confused or anything but I just didn't move

I was so confused with what was going one but I didn't leave cuz I kept telling myself that this must be a normal okay thing

I kept telling myself that this woman doesn't seem like a bad person so surely she wouldn't do anything bad or perverse to a child

I kept trying to paint the situation as an innocent thing, like perhaps something a mom would do to her child

But after that, I left and never came back to that world ever again

I tried opening up about this to my parent who has been assaulted by their own parent, my parent told me to move on, we ended up arguing and they kept saying how it was just VR

I wanna know if this counts as sexual harassment or not

I'm working on some trauma art 🎨 and rely enjoying working on it. It's very healing and it's just a different way to explain what I've survived. It's not easy to talk about what happened. So I will let my art 🎨 do the talking. Just joined today. Love ❤️

Okay, so a couple of months back I happened to go on a trip with a few of my friends. I have known them for a couple of years. They are married with kids but somehow manage to take time out to travel. This was actually the first time I was sharing a room with these girls (40s). They are way elder than me.

Somehow, I enjoy their company. I feel like they have achieved so many things in their life that if I’m around them, I’ll learn something. I met them professionally and we ended up becoming good and close friends. One of them is really close to me.

Coming back to the topic, we shared the same room. We were really tired from the journey. I hadn't slept for almost more than 26+ hours. I wanted a single bed in the same room, so I took it and went to sleep.

Those two shared the double bed right next to me. It was around 1 AM in the middle of the night. I heard noises. I am a light sleeper, I wake up easily, but those noises kind of scared me, so I kept quiet. I wanted to hear what it was before screaming. The room was not pitch dark, the bathroom light was still on.

So I heard noises of breathing, kisses, like constant. Then I heard, "aise nahi waise kar, tu paas toh aa." I went into shock. I was under my blanket. I couldn’t move. I hated it and I had to hear them go all the way. I heard them finish.

I couldn’t sleep the whole night. All I wanted to do was get out of that place and not face them ever. Unfortunately, we went by car, so I didn’t know what to do. I waited until morning. They left the room for a morning walk. I pretended to be asleep and called my other close female friend. She just asked me to pretend and act as though I heard nothing and just be normal. It took me more than 2 hours. I couldn’t believe what I witnessed. These two women are married with 2 kids (17 years old and 13 years old). They were cheating on their husbands and the way they spoke about their relationship God, what two-faced people!

The worst part about this is they didn’t even bother that there was someone else in the room and how she would react.

After being cheated on by men, I had trust issues for a long time. I thought I could rely on girls, but I no longer feel safe to even communicate with them.
Those ladies, after their hot night that gave me trauma, wanted to make sure that I didn’t hear anything. They came up to me and told me upfront, "we hug while we sleep," didn't realise etc. Like my close friend suggested, I pretended to be normal. I acted as though I didn’t know what they were talking about.

I don’t care which gender they choose to cheat with. If you want to act like all good, perfect wives and religious persons, then have a private room or don’t bring someone along when you have to do all this shitty and shady stuff.

I still hear those noises it’s so scary I have difficulty falling asleep except for my one close friend I haven’t shared these things with anyone.

I just hate them so much I was good being isolated just by myself now I can’t even trust female friendships even though it directly affect me but I ate the fact they are open cheat even females are worse these days.

This goes back to March. I went to an aquarium with friends for the first time, but ran into my ex—the exact person who caused my mental illness. They were there with a spouse and child, looking perfectly happy. It was a massive trigger. My heart was aching, I went pale, and I barely managed not to collapse. I couldn't stop thinking, "Why do they get to be so happy after destroying me?"
I really wanted to visit a different aquarium to overwrite that horrible memory. When I told this to a couple who are my close friends (both female/lesbians), they told me, "Let's go to a different one together! It's a 3-hour drive, but it's where we had our first date." Because of my anxiety disorder, I usually can’t travel far, but I felt like I could do it if I was with them. Their kindness meant the world to me, so I happily agreed.
After that, we all got sick and they got super busy with work, so the plan was put on hold. They kept gushing about their other dates, which made me anxious about our promise, but I let it slide, thinking they were just busy.
Then yesterday, about five months later, we were on a group call with other friends. Another friend invited the couple to a movie, and they completely brushed her off with excuses without even checking their calendars, even though they had promised her before. Seeing this, I joked, "Look at them—they invited me to the aquarium and I haven't heard a word since!" I expected them to just say, "Sorry, we've been too busy."
Instead, one of them said, "Wait, did we ever say that?"
It felt like they were making me look like a liar in front of everyone. I immediately sent a screenshot of our chat. Then she said: "Oh, that time? But you can’t travel for long periods anyway, right? Plus, driving for three hours is exhausting for me too."
They completely forgot, and then used my illness as a shield to excuse themselves. I was deeply hurt. If that's how they felt, why invite me in the first place? They could have suggested a closer place, or at least apologized for forgetting. Instead, they blamed my illness.
Now I'm torn. Part of me wants to call them out, but I'm terrified they’ll get angry and things will get awkward. Another part of me thinks I should just apologize and say, "I'm sorry my illness makes it hard to travel, thank you for trying to cheer me up back then." But thinking about suffocating my own feelings again literally triggered a panic attack.
I suffer from gynophobia (fear of women), but I trusted them because they were my friends. If even they do this to me, how can I ever trust women again? Even if I overcome my phobia, I’m terrified I’ll just get taken advantage of again.
Am I wrong here? Is it my illness to blame? What should I even say to them to make them understand how much they hurt me and get a genuine apology? Or should I just suck it up and be grateful for their "fleeting kindness"? I feel so broken.

Hello there, idk If this is the right sub for my post but anyways

Lately feeling like I'm an alien who has been abandoned in a strange planet where nobody cares what happens to me

I have so much childhood trauma, mommy and daddy issues, friendship trauma just trauma in general

Have you ever been so comically betrayed by your family and friends that you loose all hope in humanity coz I did and idk how I can continue to pretend to be a normal sane person

I have some friends but they really don't understand what exactly I'm going thru and honestly it's a LOT for anybody to digest

And family will just humiliate me if I say all this and be vulnerable with them

It feels like I can no longer make real connections with other humans and I'll likely end up very lonely, bitter and miserable in the future because of this

Im being really meta abt this but does anyone also feel like this?

How did you pull yourself out of this hell?

When I was in a psychiatric hospital (against my will) and a female nurse watched me get dressed (I was a 14 year old boy when this happened) I hated it and I talked with my lawyer about it but turns out it was entirely legal to do this

I had someone knock me out and record doing terrible leg things to me. Not only did they make a website they have literal instructions on how to do this to people. Since then I have been followed and attacked almost everywhere I go. I have been attacked in my own living space so much I that I slept in my car in front of a Walmart security camera instead of getting a hotel room in hopes that it would keep me alive. I am not the only person this has happened to but it’s a cycle that not only is making me sick(physically) and chemically messed up it’s resulted in the kind of damage that a normal doctor would not be able to fix and with the organized stalking and attacks even approaching the subject and trying to explain myself while STILL being exploited online leaves me in a crushing and seemingly impossibly unsafe environment. The tagging and harassment makes it hard to even go to the store and the pain both physically and mentally is a prison in itself. I literally have people walk by me and say “kill yourself I bet on today”. Trying to work is something that’s already a problem due to the fact that apparently it encourages head injuries and lost time. I’m drained and still push myself everyday to survive. The breakdown takes everything and the people literally taking my life while I’m still alive walk around making podcasts about abuse and finding ways to literally rub it in my face. One of them referred to me as “the girl being hallowed out by the government” like it’s normal entertainment watching a prison system attack one single female every 15 minutes. They’re incentivized and somehow I’m wrong to lock my door and try to protect myself.

I feel like a toddler who hasn't yet grown out of my ego-centrism, but I'm twenty and it's been eight years since I was diagnosed with PTSD. I do, of course, understand why I made everything about my trauma at the beginning; I was twelve, actively undergoing chemotherapy, paralysis, etc. But I still think I handled it better then, when I was twelve, than I do now. For the past two years I've basically cried every single day, often for hours. I'm somehow able to relate almost any sad event to my own trauma, and work myself into a crash-out. Literally any time I see a video about some sort of medical issue (cancer, Alzheimer's, etc.), I start sobbing uncontrollably for the next couple hours, even though my trauma is nothing to what they had to deal with. I feel like I'm trying so hard to hold on to this one thing that happened nearly a decade ago, even though everyone else has moved on.

I’m (F) having a hard time lately, I feel sick and upset about what happened and how I’m disgusting for “letting” men rape and abuse me. I feel like it’s all I’m good for and I feel stupid… and yeah logically I should know I’m worth something but I feel ugly and idiotic. Idk what else to say, I’ve been sexualised since I was 6… idk what else to think. It’s so stupid. I’m so stupid. Ugh. Idk just a vent I guess.

Idk why but whenever I cry in front of someone, I really regret it later. Saying how I feel or crying or getting frustrated...afterwards I always think I should've just kept it together and played it cool. But nope, instead I cried or shouted or stormed off.

And in my defence, many people do sometimes use what you tell them in confidence against you when you have an argument with them later.

Eventually you just stop trusting people and start thinking, "Why even share?" If being honest or vulnerable can be used against you later on, then it almost safer to just keep everything to myself, even if that's not what I actually want.

i (26F) feel like im not dateable, just attractive enough to fuck, or rape i guess.

my whole life ive never dated anyone, its not lack of trying, but its like somethings wrong with me or im not pretty enough or they pick the better girl. it hurts.

but even worse, ive always noticed but ignored the fact that the guys i talk to always are into me for sexual reasons. even if it doesnt start that way... its like they only find me fuckable, or someone to get to know then suddenly fuck me with no commitment or if im not into it, they rape me.

im just so tired of this. is there something wrong with me? why cant i just be good enough?

I’ve been through a lot, have multiple diagnoses that I don’t really want to go into, I simply want to ask how people learn to forgive themselves for past mistakes, I’ve hurt a lot of people, made a lot of bad decisions and struggle with rumination and grieving friendships I’ve lost. I feel so bad about myself, I have no confidence, and my psychological state is bad enough that I’m on a disability pension - due to all the trauma I endured, some of it was not my fault, some of it wouldn’t have occurred if I made better decisions. I’m doing EMDR therapy for the trauma, but can’t afford to do more than one type of therapy at a time. I’m trying so hard to be perfect in everything I do, but I’m never good enough for myself and past mistakes seem to overwhelm any ability to change.

I do know that if I gave up my cannabis prescription then I’d feel more self-assured, but unfortunately without cannabis I’m prone to excess alcohol consumption and that’s what’s responsible for so many past mistakes, so I practise harm reduction by using the substance that seems to impact the least negatively on my life.

This will be long so sorry in advance. School was supposed to be my safe place, to have fun and meet new people. Which it was, until it wasn't. I became pretty well known and tried to get along with everyone but with that boys started to see me in a different way. Skip to the last paragraph if you want to read the actual story. The following paragraphs are just context.

1st grade was probably when it all started. My sister is very introverted and I am the opposite. We didn't have class together but at least we had recess and she had a few friends which made me happy because she wasn't completely alone. Though she started having problems with this one boy. I forgot what happened but he wanted to hit her. I did not let that happen and since I have always been seen as a good student I knew what I had to do. I told him to hit me instead of her. And he did it with no second thought. After that my friends knew and saw and told our teacher which told his teacher ultimately getting him in trouble. But in 1st grade what also happened was that my guy bsf had a crush on me and I've never seen him in that way especially since we were kids I just never thought of it like that. Everyone started talking about it and sing the kiss song to us. But during that year there was a new kid. Since I was very social and nice the teacher assigned me to help him out. But that kid would make my school year hell.

He was nice at first and we became friends...but then he got weird. He started making comments which would start like, "oh I have x-ray vision I can see through things" and obviously I would be shocked but then he went on to say, "I can see under your clothes". During that time I was just confused and laughed it off. It then started to become known that he "liked" me, but for me he was obsessed. He would do everything to go on a date with me. He'd say we are already dating and try to kiss me. One day we had a coloring activity and since we were at the same table he had to share crayons with me and my friend. He then proceeded to kiss the crayon I wanted to get, being disgusted I did not grab it. He saw this and would do it to the rest until he grabbed my hand and forcibly kissed it. I rapidly went to wash my hands and the next day I remember my guy bsf being mad at me?! All because I supposedly let him kiss my hand. This then became known and would follow me for elementary.

In 2nd grade, I had a separate class then him but the same class with my guy bsf. My guy bsf though, was making it more obvious that he likes me. When we had nap time he would "sleep" and during that he would say my name and he wouldn't wake up unless it was me. Which was honestly ridiculous for me but I brushed it off. There was this other guy who also had a crush on me and one day they both decided to fight for me. I was just trying to have a nice and peaceful recess when all of a sudden, they both took one of my arms and started pulling me back and forth. This obviously was hurting me and I got mad I yanked my arms away and left. Then I was seen as the one in the wrong because I didn't choose one. Like wtf. Anyways I also then started becoming a prize for bets. Like whoever wins in a race gets to kiss me. Mind you all of this was behind my back and I wasn't aware until they came up for their prize. Recess was hell I would get chased and ganged up on just for a stupid bet. Oh and who made that idea? My guy bsf. At the end of 2nd grade we had a play. I was the narrator and it was fun. But on the day of the play, we went to lunch and that's when I got told that the guy from 1st grade was planning on kissing me or wtv. I was scared and immediately ran when it was recess time. But he wasn't slow and caught up he (mind you it's a fairytale play so I'm dressed like Rapunzel) my crown falls and he grabs my wrist and pulls me. I get so scared I bite his hand and leave.

And honestly because I never got with a guy or let them kiss me one of my classmates made a comment saying I was probably gay. My other classmate got mad and pushed him and he was pretty popular so the other kid stayed quiet. I was very thankful to him and I developed a small crush but he moved that year so there was no point. Elementary kept being like this and it was exhausting but because of boundaries (and COVID) I would end up going to a different middle school then the rest. Middle school was gonna be a fresh start for me. But sadly I wasn't. During that time I didn't really have friends but I became friends with this one girl in my ela class. She would ask me though if I was bi because I just gave that vibe. I didn't know what vibe she was talking about but I told her I wasn't. That year I gave into pressure from society and got a bf. I regret that sm because even though he did want to be with me he would only be with me to show me off and have me with him all the time. But he also would emotionally cheat on me by liking multiple girls while being with me. We broke up about 2 months in and he asked my close friend out immediately. I wasn't shocked tho.

Anyways now to the real story for the title. I'm currently about to start my senior year. And I haven't been in any other relationship except having a few talking stages. Recently my friend texted me asking me if I was gay, because there is a speculation going around about me being gay. I had no idea this was being said about me and was shocked, but not surprised. I genuinely dgaf about boys and only really like men older or mature, and I also don't talk about guys because I'm far too busy for that. But it just made me realize that the more seen you get the more people want to talk about you even if it's not true. And since there is nothing bad to say about me they say that. She told me she thought I wasn't but wanted to confirm and she thinks people are saying that cause "I'm so hot I can pull both genders" but I honestly don't know what to think about her either. And this whole situation just frustrates me and confuses me idk what to do.

Again sorry for the long post. Please leave any thoughts or comments I would appreciate it.

So I know it's not super common in younger teens but I feel I have depression. It runs in my family. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety when I was younger. But anyways, the medication I'm on for anxiety doesn't work very well. I take it everyday and yet I still feel terrified to just exist. I know it's not supposed to relieve all my anxiety but just be a little support beam. Lately I have felt disconnected from life. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore and everything is boring. The only fun things are sleeping and eating. Sometimes cooking. I just always feel down and sad and I'm scared to reach out to my family because my mother calls me 'dramatic' for everything I do. I don't know what is wrong with me but all I feel is sad. I find no happiness in stuff I used to be happy doing. Art? Feels like torture. Watching shows? That's a chore. Learning Hmong? I suck at it. Reading? I don't have motivation. I've never been good at basic hygiene and I know it's gross but I have not motivation to do any fucking thing. I just sleep play on my phone eat eat eat eat and sleep like a fucking animal. Life is starting to feel even more suffocating than usual. And I just have to smile and push through cause that's what I've learned to do. I can't burden anyone I must get through this alone. I don't know what I'm even doing anymore. I don't know why I'm here on Reddit, I guess it feels like a sanctuary where everyone feels like friends. I just want to find something to knot my sadness. I just want the sadness to end, I want to be normal and happy. Like fuck why does this always happen. Thank you for reading. Have a good day🤍

hi all, short summary but 8hrs ago it was midnight and i was home alone for a night for the first time ever (im an adult but its always been my biggest fear dokething would happen).

out of any day of my life my house was broken into while I was home with aggression.

this also happened after I had to take my 16yr old cat to the vet and was diagnosed with end of life hesrt disease on the same day

I know it's only been 8hrs but I dont know how know how recover. im at my boyfriends house but I cant sleep and all I can do is replay the what ifs and rethink every moment.

honestly anytging even if its not advice and just a chat is appreciated. I dont mind talking about it or responding to questions I just couldn't be bothered to type the whole thing because who even knows if anyone will see this

I’m COMPLETELY BLIND, have autism and a heart lung condition.

Relaxing tips ONLY work if they concern a special interest of mine.

I also have trauma triggers, needles and cameras, for the same reason.

Both require me to perform and the people wielding them don’t know that I MUST hear them say one of my favorite words in order to do so, I guess it’s neither the needle nor the camera but the canned script, “cheese” for cameras and “relax/deep breath” for needles.

So I’ve been looking for ASMR vids of these subjects because an ASMR vid isn’t the real thing so it feels safer.

I’ve gotten into watching waxing roleplays, because reallife estheticians use those same canned relaxing scripts that pharmacists, phlebs and nurses do.

Matter of fact one day I watched a Brazilian wax role play and she tried to make me say “goosfraba” on the exhale.

I didn’t, I chose to say “night-in” because the mechanics help me better.

Also it was like pushing back against the script, rebelling if you can call it that? getting agency.

I tried this in real life when at the devil’s chamber, what others call a lab or blooddrawstation.

Being Mom was sick and Dad was over in his own zome watching tiktok, I asked the phleb if she’d say a word I like as she slid in and she did so some reallife practicioners WILL work with you with a script swap just don’t be an ass when asking.

One day when getting flu vax at CVS I gave the druggist a five stars out of ten.

When he called back to see WHY he’d been given a number lesser than the number ten I said that it was because he told me to relax and that doesn’t help me, that’s like telling me to be white or be tall, or to not have Aspergers.

I'm 26, and I'm honestly embarrassed that so much of my life still revolves around my parents.

I never felt like I was enough growing up. Least bright among all siblings and least favourite too. My parents were always fighting, and we grew up in a toxic, dysfunctional home. We were beaten, humiliated, and blamed for everything. But out of all my siblings, I seem to be the only one who's still deeply affected by it. They've moved on, while I still feel stuck. Now I have all kinds of physical health issues that won't improve, and almost every doctor tells me I should see a psychiatrist.

The problem is, I can't bring myself to do it. I feel ashamed because my childhood doesn't seem "bad enough," and the thought of admitting I still have mommy/daddy issues at 26 is humiliating. Has anyone healed from something like this without professional help, or is therapy really the only way?

Backstory (How we got here)

I was doom scrolling on Instagram in the middle of the night because well, sleep decided we needed a break from each other. There were a few posts on childhood trauma and how it's shaping us adults,i.e. reactions, responses and behaviors. I've never been one deny there's some, but I think I've always minimised it. Anyways there was this reel with this poet and a guy. The guy told the poet a bit about his childhood and it mostly was how he was the easy kid. She wrote her poem. Don't remember the whole thing but I remember the first lines...

'There are children who learn to ride bikes

And there are children who learn how to read a room

How to stay quiet

How to stay small enough to fit other people's expectations'

I was like nice! Kept it moving but my subconscious said we're not skimming through, we're sitting in it.

Fast forward 3 hours later and I have a weird dream. Somewhat normal things (in hind sight) happen but those normal things gave me panic attacks in the dream. 8 in total, couldn't tell you how I was able to keep count amidst the gasping for air and trying to reset lol. Anyways I then had a meltdown which led to me flooding a space and having a huge panic attack about it (perfect circle eh?). Then I woke up

(Halfway there)

I was thinking how weird that dream was and also how I'm happy I haven't had any episodes in a while. Then I thought it used to happen a lot in uni. Especially my last year. Thought back to how I was in a terrible situation at 'home' and moved out only to be in another terrible situation with the landlady. How I shrunk myself then and realize that even now I do so. It also doesn't help that I haven't been in any healthy living situation (until now, hopefully) since I left Home. Somehow my mind took me back to when I was younger. Reminded me that I started doing it way back. How I used to be so quiet around people and wouldn't speak unless spoken to. I let my sister do all the talking. Always afraid I'd say the wrong thing. I remember being surprised with myself when I chirped in a conversation my mom and aunt were having and they acknowledged what I said. I remember feeling the need to cover my mouth with my hand and being pleasantly surprised at the acknowledgement. Didn't speak again unprovoked that day. But it felt nice. Little by little I started speaking more around the familiar faces. As a full blown adult now, I still find myself holding back, making very little to no noise and blending with the walls in unfamiliar spaces with unfamiliar people.

(Bumpy landing, but we're here now)

I always say this line to my friends 'be unapologetically yourself' and today I realised I've not been taking my own advice. Seeing I've been apologetic of my existence. Squashing myself, apologising to people who step on me, taking abuse/ill-treatment as if I deserve it.

I've made a resolve to walk a new path(baby steps).Not speak in hushed tones when I'm on the phone, play my music loud enough for me to hear it in the shower, not wait for everyone to clear out before I pass through common areas. Take up a bit of space, no one is more deserving of being here than the other.

__________

I know this is long, I felt I need to put all this down. Maybe I need to actually start journaling.

If you've made it to the end, thank you ✨. May you be kinder to yourself, take up space. And if you're man-spreading (for lack of a better term) with outstretched arms, please be considerate of the person next to you.

So this started when my grandpa died or more like before he died and he was my first victim and he died and soon it followed on with others everyone i loved or who loved me i push and i get mad at people i love and i expect them to help me and persuade me to feel better and tell me it all will be good (and i love debates so i dont let it die i keep the fight going on and for this ill write another post)

I have always been a self sufficient person not needing others and doing things myself asking for help seems wrong because there are always clashes of ideas

Trust me i have the strength to do it myself if i set my mind to it

But

When there is someone who loves i expect them to do it for me

So for even now all i have to do is just simply reset my mind to do it all its when ik i have someone i put my guard down i do great when ik i dont have to rely on someone as a person i do very well in everything its the disappointment which follows from the other person

Now i have used to resetting my head on my terms and just alter my thoughts completely and this is one kind of a freedom

I cant blame its also not their baggage to carry

So im aware i feel cursed to feel this way that whoever i have lost to this was just a way of me to find love from them but instead get disappointed that i have to handle myself no matter what.

I shall do what i must.

I grew up in very abusive and traumatic conditions. Thankfully I no longer live in circumstances like that anymore but because of it iv always felt not quite right. For a long time I thought that there was just something wrong with me or that I wasnt like other people. I struggle to blend in with others have a constant lingering feeling of dread and inadequacy. I have anxiety about alot of things. For most of my teen years I didnt even understand what those feeling were I just knew I didnt feel right. As I got to be and independent adult the feelings almost got worse. I think being out in the world on my own trying to do normal things like college and work really showed me how different I was than others internally. I guess I thought if I removed myself from the abuse then that meant the end of things. That some how life would be smooth sailing after that but its not. Things that come simple to everyone else feel like moving mountains for me. Iv always hidden how i feel and never spoken to anyone about. It all just seems so heavy, I dont even know where id start. I also dont want to seem crazy to anyone who knows me so I keep it all in. Iv never been diagnosed with anything but after hearing about cptsd and others experience I finally im not alone and that there are other people out there that feel the way I do. I want help foe this so that I can cope with everything inside my head and live a healthier happier life, I just dont know where to start.

I apologize in advance if this is a bit all over the place. I made a new account here for personal reasons and I actually don't post on reddit often if at all. I'm usually just a lurker/commenter.

anyway I met someone a few months ago, not exactly from my hometown but he's from the same state and we have to travel through my old hometown quite a bit...

for a few weeks i been getting flashbacks of my old childhood. Nothing was necessarily wrong at home when I was about 13 we moved back to New england but this time my stepdad chose CT... wasn't necessarily a bad town but stupid stuff happend all the time.

I grew up a military brat... my parents sheltered me a bit because I had a chronic heart disease and so they did everything to protect me, support me and get me through some of the most medically challenging times in my life. Me being the only one in the family plus my condition was so niche I needed specialty DRs from Boston to oversee me. overtime I got better, had surgery etc. but from about 4th grade all the way to 8th grade I was brutally bullied.

I didn't know how to cope with having a heart condition... my mom always said "everyone has a heart condition kid, everyone else just look different." essentially what she meant was other kids where going through other things and since she explained it that way I couldn't help but think about it differently. It helped me have a better attitude going to school. I saw everyone as equal, I felt like I shouldn't be treated any different than anyone else.

The awful thing was, I was different without a doubt... I sat out of gym class because I was not physically capable of doing it. I had drs notes of special limitations...

to this day I still do... I have a good job but i have medical limitations...

for context I was bullied mostly because I idolized Paris Hilton at a time she was a huge sex symbol. I didn't know anything about that... I just thought she was a real life Barbie doll that had a business. I liked her because I saw through the persona and propaganda. I was living in the future while most couldn't' see past lunch time.

Today, I don't hate her but I realize as an adult she does not have the common issues we as adults have to face... she can pay for problems to go away... while most of us live paycheck to paycheck...

I still appreciate the child I once was... She was brave, she was strong, she cared about others, and had a big imagination that ran wild.... some days I feel like i'm living.. other days I feel like I'm suffocating... or dying.. I wonder a lot if the inner child is dead or alive... some days she feels like she's there other times it feels like she's gone..

I'd wear princess dresses to school or just about anything loud I could get away with.. I wore pink just about everyday and pretended I was Paris Hilton just to cope with the mundane day to day. Some people loved me some people hated me.. I had a small friend group and they where fun but I also felt like most of them where simultaneously jealous of me and that hurt a lot...

my friends viciously punked me more than we actually played probably. One friend gave out my aol username to the next town over to a group of boys who used it to harass me, one friend spread rumors and lies about me to the boys I liked, another was a boy who I liked hanging out with a lot who was very nice to me but also just as nice to every girl in school and thrived on the attention he would get.. him and I actually stayed in contact after middle school for ten years. I moved to Florida and he moved to West Virginia but almost everyday in high school him and I would talk on the phone every night talking about our dreams, aspirations, what we wanted to be when we grew up, wether aliens where real or paranormal entities. Id sit at the end of my parents driveway and wed count the stars together over the phone... That meant a lot to me... at one point when we where both about 17 he asked me if i wanted him to chose his port to be in Florida ( He had joined the navy at this point) so he could come out to date me... I was honest with him and basically explained I wasn't ready for a relationship like that.. I was in fear of ruining a good friendship and also remembered who he was in middle school. He was always a bright, happy bubbly kid who said he "liked me because there was no mystery with me" He always knew how I was feeling and I guess what it was, was he appreciated the mutual transparency. The thing that held me back was because I knew that in middle school I felt unseen.. he would flirt with me hard but then he would also flirt with everyone else too.. He asked me to the dance one time and I said yes but then when we got there I was too nervous to dance. I told him give me some time and I'd be ready... I got cold feet, waited too long and when I went back our onto the dance floor he was already dancing with another girl who was a little more forward than me...

Another thing I never forgot was one time he told me "No one is going to want to go out with you because they are scared something could always happen to you because of your heart condition."

Those words resounded in my head even to this day when I'm out on a date...

In reality, any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow.. and today most these kids I grew up with are dead either from drug overdose or doing stupid stuff... I myself have survived two high risk pregnancies and produced two perfectly healthy children. I may not be with there parent but I just know I am right for somebody....

The guy I been talking to makes me feel like a kid again in good ways but some days I feel like we're talking past each other... hes also in a lot of legal trouble I am not fond of in the state of Connecticut. Problem is Im in a nasty custody battle with my oldest and I fear the courts or my exes attorney catching wind of it and judging me harshly for it.. I don't want to get all into it because that's not what I am here for. Just know i'm keeping him at arms length and observing without getting entangled...

Video call with psychologist: 00:00

Video call with psychologist: 00:01

Me: starts weeping

Video call with psychologist:

Video call with psychologist:

Video call with psychologist: 59:59

Me: stops weeping

Psychologist: you okay?

Me: I'm fine, goodbye

Video call with psychologist: ends

Well trauma of my sister who was my Best friend through the trauma we received. Blocked all family memeners including my neice who is now 18 and i treated like a daughter.

She never invited me to her first son's birthday party then decided to block all communication from family when she won the lottery. Now she's a psychologist. I feel angry about the way she thinks I want her money when all I wanted was her time. Also not to invite me to a birthday party after gifting the lil guy a present and now she's pregnant with kid #3.

Talk about ghosting the entire family here. After 40 years of communication.....I feel very hurt. This isn't a relationship question but a feeling question. How would you take this situation?