Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/comments/1x269iw/getting_legally_married_but_postponing_the_wedding/

First of all I want to thank everyone who gave their perspectives and sharing experiences. It helped a lot to know we weren't the only couple in this boat! We took a few of the suggestions and advice you all suggested and had a good conversation and a look over our finances.

For those interested, we've decided to get legally married shortly before closing on our house and call it our engagement. I gave him ring shopping info and we're both on the same page about how we want the proposal to go. We'll announce our engagement to friends and family at the housewarming party! After that, we'll have our wedding in 12-16 months, so we're looking at summer or fall in 2028. We've made some room in the budget to save up enough by then for a small, casual backyard wedding. Then we'll consider ourselves married for real. We're super happy with this arrangement. It isn't traditional, but we aren't traditional people.

All that is to say, thanks a lot for getting me out of my head about this lol! I'm really excited to plan the wedding even if we're two years out (gives me more time to DIY everything.) There's a lot of posts in this sub with unhappy relationships, so I wanted to share a pleasant outcome and offer my appreciation for the spirit of the sub.

PS If anyone has any questions I'm happy to answer.

My boyfriend and I will reach our 9-year anniversary next month. From day one, I’ve been very clear that I want to get married someday, and that has never changed. Whenever we attend the weddings of friends or family( couples who have often been together for much less time) we frequently find ourselves fantasizing about our own wedding on the drive home. After my best friend’s wedding, we spent nearly two hours in the parking lot hashing out every single detail for our own wedding, the same points keep coming up over the years, and, practically speaking, I can almost feel them...

I honestly wonder when he’s going to propose. I certainly don’t want to come across as pushy or annoying, but I really thought that, by now, I would at least be engaged. We’ve been together for nearly 9 years, we own a home, we’ve lived together for 4 years, we have 3 cats, and we’ve been on some wonderful trips. We both have good jobs and are financially secure. The hints from friends haven’t been subtle for a long time, and they’re starting to really hurt. I used to just laugh them off by saying we do things at our own pace, but that approach doesn’t work for me anymore.

I’m certainly not traditional, and proposing to him myself is an option but he has mentioned quite a few times that it’s something he’s really looking forward to doing, and I don’t want to take that away from him. Sometimes you hear about couples who stay together for years, only to break up.... and then, within three years, one of them marries someone else... I’m sometimes afraid that might happen in our case.

I can’t and don’t want to live without him, but I honestly don’t know if I should just let go of my dream of getting married.

He is the man of my dreams...but he isn’t my man at this moment and that is starting to hurt.

He’s a lovely man. People gravitate towards him. Does thoughtful little things for me all the time, encourages me, is someone I can talk to about anything.

I’ve always wanted to get married. I’ve been straight up about that since we met when I was 22, although I was absolutely fine waiting until my late twenties when I grew into myself a bit more.

Now my late twenties are here and I feel like the marriage conversation is almost entirely led by me. Has been for 2-3 years. First it was “after I finish grad school.” Then it was “after I get used to this new job.” Then it was “after this big trip.” Then it was “I worry that getting married would be a bad financial decision for us.”

He makes like $10k more than me. I have less student loans than him. Neither of us have any other debt. From what I could tell, I don’t think marriage would actually affect our finances significantly.

At one point I was trying to talk to him about engagement rings. I don’t want something crazy expensive but he was getting nervous about the cost. Around that time, he decided to buy $2000+ worth of equipment for his hobby.

I’ve tried talking about it more often and starting the conversation in different ways. I‘ve told him it hurts me that it seems like I’m the only one excited about the possibility. He told me he is excited but he wants to talk about the big compatibility stuff before we talk marriage. I explained to him that when I say I want to talk about getting married, that’s also me asking to have those conversations (although we have already talked a lot about finances, values, and that neither of us want kids). Then we don’t end up having those conversations anyway unless I start them, and then it’s still “can we talk about this after x.”

He brings it up himself very occasionally, like “oh we shouldn’t make this big purchase now since we need to save for a wedding.” I get quietly excited and then… nothing.

Through all of this my excitement at the idea of marriage has faded significantly. I’m starting to question why I specifically care about marriage at all and examine what it means to me.

Because of this, I’m also starting to question this relationship and notice our problems more and more. I’ve made a lot of compromises for this relationship to work, and so has he. I’m willing to do these things for someone who loves me and matches my enthusiasm but now I’m just feeling lost.

Our lease is up in the spring. An ultimatum feels wrong, but I feel like one of us has to make a decision here.

I'm almost 30, and I'm struggling with a decision I never thought I'd have to make after being with someone for six years. I'd really appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have been in long-term relationships where marriage wasn't a certainty.

I love my boyfriend. He's intelligent, ambitious, and loving toward me in many ways. Our relationship has a lot of good in it, which is part of why this is so difficult. I don't think he's a bad person, and I don't want to paint him that way. But I'm starting to wonder whether loving each other is enough if we don't want the same future on the same timeline.

The marriage question

I want marriage and children. My boyfriend isn't sure he wants marriage and has said that perhaps we could think about it in five years. He doesn't want to feel pressured, and I understand that. I don't want someone to marry me because he feels forced into it.

At the same time, I'm almost 30. The idea of waiting another five years just to find out whether he wants to marry me is frightening. I don't want to pressure him into choosing a life he doesn't want, but I also don't want to keep postponing something that's fundamental to me.

Finances and building a future together

My boyfriend earns approximately twice as much as I do. Initially, he wanted us to split our expenses 50/50 and planned to buy a house in his own name while expecting me to pay rent to live there.

That didn't sit right with me. I want to build a life together, and I struggled with the idea of contributing to a property he owned while he built equity and I didn't.

After several conversations, he agreed to a 60/40 split, with him paying the larger share, and to consider buying a house together.

I'm grateful that he's willing to compromise, but I keep wondering why I had to push so hard for these things. I sometimes worry that we're approaching our future as two individuals protecting our own interests rather than as a team building something together.

How we broke up

Our disagreements had been building for a while. One night, I was out drinking and ended up staying with my friends. My boyfriend accused me of cheating because I was staying with them, and he broke up with me. I was very upset, and I ended up moving out.

The relationship had already been struggling, so I can't say that one incident was the entire reason things fell apart. But it brought everything to a head.

I still loved him. I wasn't leaving because my feelings had disappeared. I was exhausted by the uncertainty and by feeling that I had to keep fighting for the future I wanted us to have.

Then I met someone new

After moving out, I met another man through social dancing. We've spent time together and had some lovely conversations. He's thoughtful, intellectual, respectful, and affectionate. He's done little things that made me feel cared for, and recently he told me I have all the qualities he's looking for in a woman.

Of course, that made me feel excited. It also made me wonder what it would be like to be with someone who seems enthusiastic about me.

But I know I barely know him. I understand that a new connection can feel wonderful precisely because we haven't faced the realities of a long-term relationship together. I'm not assuming he's a better partner, and I don't want to jump from one relationship into another without understanding what I actually want.

Where things stand now

I moved back to my previous home because I couldn't financially afford to keep paying rent on two places. I don't have family here I can rely on for housing or financial support, so my decision wasn't purely romantic.

Since I've returned, he's been lovely. We've had serious conversations, and he's agreed to some of the changes I've been asking for, including the financial arrangement and considering buying a house together.

But the marriage question remains unresolved. He still can't commit to it.

Now I'm questioning myself. Maybe we've finally started making progress and I should give our six-year relationship another chance. Maybe the time apart helped us realise what we could lose.

Or maybe things feel better because we're back together and he's being loving, while the fundamental incompatibility is still there.

I don't want to leave a good man simply because he isn't ready to marry me right now. But I also don't want to stay because I'm afraid of starting over, because we've invested six years, or because living together is financially easier.

I'd especially love to hear from people who have been in this situation:

• If someone says they might want marriage in five years but can't give you a clearer answer after six years together, would you stay?
• Is it fair to give him more time, or am I putting my own future on hold for a possibility?
• Can a relationship work when one person wants marriage and children while the other remains unsure?
• How do I distinguish genuine compromise and progress from making changes just to keep the relationship together?
• Am I being too demanding by wanting more certainty, or am I compromising too much because I love him?
• Would you put the new connection aside and focus on deciding whether this relationship is right for you, or would you take the opportunity to explore something new once you've properly ended the old relationship?

I'm not asking anyone to tell me my boyfriend is terrible or that the new man is automatically better. I love my boyfriend, and I want to be fair to him. I also want to be fair to myself.

TL;DR: I'm almost 30 and have been with my boyfriend for six years. I want marriage and children, but he says we might consider marriage in five years. He broke up with me after accusing me of cheating when I stayed with friends, and I moved out. I met someone new, but I've now moved back in with my boyfriend because of financial pressure. He's making compromises, but marriage remains uncertain. Have you ever stayed hoping your partner would eventually want the same future? Did it work out?

My boyfriend (31/m) and I (24/f) have been together for about two and a half years. Since our first date I've stated that I only "date" for marriage and I expect a proposal after two years, since you should be sure to stay or leave after that amount of time. Also I want to be a young mother and have a child before I turn 25. He was happy with that and assured me, that this was his plan as well.

After just six months he said, that he wanted to marry me, but wants to wait for the offical proposal until he's got his bachelor's degree (He thought he would be done with that in about 2 months). Since the last two years this promise got always pushed in the future by a few months. He has struggled to get his degree, but always said "We will have our baby in a year", "I will propose to you until next month", "We will be married by summer". But all those "deadlines" went by and nothing happend.

Since two years I don't really pursue a career or anything really, since I always think "I'll be pregnant in two months" and I could've done so much in that time, had he just be honest or given me a child to raise.

He's given many excuses overtime like "I don't know what ring to chose", "Rings are too expensive", "I fear our financial situation", "I don't want to look like a looser". I've always tried to find solutions. Showed him cheap rings I liked online (even send links), showed him alternative ways to earn money (even started doing gardening work in the neighborhood with him) etc.

In the last six months we moved in together and openly talked about our marriage, the planning, the financial situation and so on. We came to the conclusion, that we will start trying to get pregnant in January and will marry in spring/summer next year.

You need a lot of time to plan that stuff and I want him to finally propose. We've even told all of our friends about the plans, but there is no "official" proposal, which makes me crazy. I don't even care about this "official" part, from my perspective we could get married tomorrow in loungewear. But he's always like "I want to have a finance for a while".

I should get out my IUD next month for our family plans, but I won't be doing that, until I have concrete plans like a proposal, or a wedding date or anything. I do not want to become a "single mom" even if just on paper.

I wouldn't ever blackmail him with ending the relationship or anything, since I love this man so much, we have a beautiful relationship and only argue about this specifically topic.

What is his problem and how should I continue?

Note: english isn’t my first language so i apologize for the use of ai here.

my boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) have been together for three years ( known eachother for 5 years) . We have a really loving, healthy relationship, and I genuinely feel like what we have is rare.

My family is well-off, but his dad passed away, so he helps support his family. He works incredibly hard and is doing better financially than most guys our age, but marriage is still a long way off financially.

I live in a conservative society where it’s really hard to have a relationship without marriage and marriage comes with a lot of expenses, including mahr (dowry) and wedding costs. We’ve been working toward marriage for a year now , but we still have no idea how much longer we’ll have to wait.

What gets to me is seeing other couples, even ones who seem shaky, get married after knowing each other for just four months, sometimes having beautiful weddings, while we’re still trying to figure things out after three years.

I feel guilty for being jealous because firstly i’m not the type to be jealous and secondly I love my boyfriend, i believe in him, and would never leave him over money. I’m not waiting for him to prove his potential, I already know how hardworking and capable he is. I’m just sad that I have no idea whether we’ll get married in one year or ten.

I feel bad for judging other couples. But I’m just wondering why something that feels so right can be so difficult to achieve, while it seems to come so easily to others.

I’m writing this to get it off my chest, hear other people’s experiences and wisdom, and hopefully hear some stories about how things turned out. If you’ve been in a similar situation, did things eventually work out? How did you cope with the uncertainty?

I 29/F have been with my boyfriend 30/M for over a decade and we have 3 children. We have discussed getting married for several years and he always says “after baby number 1 we’ll get married” then “after baby number 2” we’ll get married - you get the picture. Now we’re in so deep and he’s now taken back the promise of us getting married. I’m pissed because marriage is something I’ve always wanted and dreamed of! I really do love him, so marriage shouldn’t mean as much to me as still spending the rest of our lives together right?? I’m just pissed off because I kept my word to have our children, and I adore them so much they’re my external heartbeats, I just wish they weren’t conceived under false pretences. I don’t even have the same surname as them, it feels like we’re a false/fake family just because we’re all together but we don’t have the same surname (kids have his name)
Am I being too sensitive about marriage being off the table now, or am I validated in feeling like I’ve been lied to this entire time?
For the record, I know the majority of women will say “leave and find your husband” or “don’t let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband” but I really can’t see myself loving someone else and even then, I never wanted to be a woman that had children with 2 different men based on how I grew up. I never wanted the same for my children, so a lot is weighing on my mind about this.

I (37F) have expressed to my boyfriend (33M) of two years that I want to get married from the beginning of our relationship in September 2024. Now, two years later, he wants to buy a house and have children, but he still isn’t committing to marriage.
In March 2026, we talked about what kind of ring I like, and he knows my ring size. I was hoping he would propose sometime over the summer, but it never happened.
In August, I brought up marriage again, but he was vague about it. I told him I would leave if we didn’t make progress by a certain deadline. He cried, so I stepped back and gave him some space.
In September, the topic came up again, and he became emotional to the point of tears, so I stepped back once more.
Yesterday, over text, I mentioned our relationship and how certain topics seem to be sensitive for us. At one point, he said, “I do want to marry you someday.”
However, he didn’t give me a clear timeframe or make any concrete plans. I’m feeling confused because marriage has been something I’ve been clear about wanting from the beginning, and I’m now wondering whether I’m waiting for something that may never happen.

Me (33F) and my boyfriend (34M) have been together for 2 years, and living together for 6 months. Initially when we started dating, I mentioned that getting married was important to me, and that I would like that to happen eventually in life but guess I didn't raised it as a non negotiable. At the time my boyfriend mentioned that it wasn't something that he actively wanted nor ever dreamt about it but he wasn't opposed to it and would need to think about it when the time came. We agreed that neither of us wanted kids. Time passed and soon after we moved in together I mentioned to him that I would like to start talking about getting married and envisioned for us to start planning a wedding after a year or so of living together but was open to whatever timeline he enviosioned as well. That's where everything kind of went south because he's response was that it was very soon for us to even start talking about it because we had just moved in (understandable) and jokingly said that he would wait for at least 8 years of living together to be sure. That conversation was a very difficult one to have. I told him that if this was not going to happen it would be a reason for me to leave him. He shared that he thinks spending money on a wedding when we could for example travel was not a wise decision for him, I told him we could elope and spend almost nothing. He then said he didn't like the idea of being the center of attention in a wedding, again, my response was we don't have to have a wedding. Then he said he didn't like the idea of following societal norms around family and marriage, I didn't really have an answer for that one. At last he said he has never dreamed about marriage so he had to think about how he felt about it on his own so we agreed on waiting until the end of the year to discuss this further. Today, a few months before the end of the year, I asked him if he was processing the idea as I want to make sure it's on his radar before having our next conversation about it. His reaction was pretty bad saying all this topic brings to us is discussions, that it's too soon to bring this up as we've just moved in together and that we agreed until end of year to talk about it and I was breaking that agreement with my question. What I'm thinking is, if even raising this issue slightly triggers him so much, what am I doing here? I'm very confussed because we did just moved in, and it does makes sense to me to test how we feel about sharing a home before we get married, but at the same time his rejection to even mentioning a conversation we will about this is a huge red flag. Maybe he doesn't see me leaving because of this and I should be more firm and give him some sort of ultimatum for him to comprehend this isn't a 'nice-to-have' for me. Any advice?

7 year relationship, 26F, 30M. I love him to death but he was never keen on marriage. At first he was saying marriage is just a social construct, it is bad for everyone etc., with time he started saying that he would like us to marry but he doesn’t have a stable enough life to marry (short term jobs and having to move countries). We talked about marriage so many times and I was always the one asking for it and I know that I was wrong to bring it up so much. Now, finally he is getting the stable job and we are in a good position financially.

However, I just feel so much resentment towards him. I’ve been with him in my most beautiful years, when he was broke and unemployed, I supported him. I moved to an another country to love with him, I had no one there, lost the life I had previously. I loved him and knew I wanted to be with him since so many years. It breaks my heart that he still didn’t ask me to be his wife. On top of that, I am a foreigner with a student visa in his county and I have to go though genuinely inhumane treatment by the immigration office every year multiple times and constantly get opportunities that I deserve taken away from me because of the weakness of my passport. I feel like my person wouldn’t be able to let me go though this constantly and not want to help me by marrying me. I have only one year remaining to find a job and employers are not keen on hiring foreigners since they need to finance a work visa, even though I am an engineer with a masters degree. This situation also upsets my parents, it is not common to live so many years together without a ring in my family.

This week we had big fights because he was feeling unloved, complained that I don’t show love to him around other people. I just feel embarrassed to do that because I feel like people are judging me that I am staying so long with him without a ring and am so crazy in love with him. He also brought up a fight we had back in 2022 and demanded explanations once again. Am I a joke to him? If you ask him, he is the one that is more in love and he can’t live without me but why can’t he marry me then?

So my bf and I went ring shopping at the start of the year. We took a break from ring shopping and got back into looking more seriously around April/ March. I picked out things I liked and helped design my ring and once I said my final okay it was out of my hands.

I have been going absolutely insane and honestly i feel like im growing resentment towards him... He talked to my parents and asked for their blessing maybe at this point around 3 months ago. Everytime I ask or try to get more clarity on it he just tells me its coming "soon" and before the year is over. My parents have been honest with me and said their in limbo about any plans and have again just been told its coming "soon". He's told a friend he does have the ring but he's planning the proposal i. I am just at a loss if im being honest. I do love him but based on the amount of time it's taken it feel like the engagement has taken a back seat to other people/ friends and I do feel hurt... When i go to work Im so busy that I don't think about it much but on my off days I try to keep busy however I find myself worked up over it. Im not sure if were just not on the same page or what? I dont know if i need to start seeing a therapist with all the anxiety and overall sadness Im having. I dont like feeling like this and feel like I can finally shut my brain off when I finally sleep and im really struggling. Any suggestions?

Updated Post: 10/14/26

The loss of control in my life totally is adding onto my anxiety as well no only with when he's going to propose but also I started a new job and am currently on orientation where I get my schedule every 2 weeks and wont be off until December... So I cant control the days I work and ultimately up to my managers and then this as well. But for my bf to try to plan something and ensure im not working is really hard. I purposefully asked for this weekend off to help give him some wiggle room and try for this weekend if he wanted but he hasn't mentioned blocking off any date (which he typically does if he has smtg planned for us)

My parents went on vacay earlier in the month and my mom told me she called him just to ask if he was going to propose when they were on vacation. He told her no but again said it would be happening soon. My mom didnt push further but let him know if he needed any help that she could with whatever he needed and he said he was okay and already knew what I wanted (which is true) . She's tried her best to help ease my anxiety and allowed me to talk thru my feelings and suggested if by the end of the month if nothing happens then maybe have that conversation and make sure we both on the same page. I am a planner and i know that once we do get engaged I will want to start planning the wedding especially knowing the competitive nature of Chicago and my mom did make a good point saying if he's taken this long to propose since asking for permission im worried ur also gonna struggle to plan the wedding... it has me thinking maybe we're both not on the same page in terms of the timeline of us getting married as much as I thought we were or maybe these two things are separate idk.

We have talked about moving in together, our future and kids and while those things are exciting, coming from a traditional home I can't do any of those things until there's at least a ring on my finger. He talks about our future and the things he wants to do together and saying things like oh when you move in we can do this and this... and im so excited for that part of our lives but feeling stuck in a slight limbo when Im constantly hearing about things he want to change in his apprt when I move in.

I've done my best to ease my anxiety by controlling what I can either at my job or myself. But I've hit a point where soon doesn't mean anything to me since to me soon is 1 week to max 2 months and it has definitely passed that time frame in my head... Im tired of feeling so drained from constantly thinking about it, when Im working Im so busy I dont have time but when I have my days off I can feel pretty miserable even after trying my best to keep busy.

We’ve been together for 5 years, living together for 4. Right off the bat I laid down all of my cards. I wanted to be engaged within 3 years if things worked out, and I wanted to start having children shortly after because I have endometriosis that IS majorly impacting my fertility.

Well two emergency surgeries, and 2 cats later: no ring, no babies. He still sometimes uses language like “if we get married, if we have kids.” While I watch our friends who got in relationship after us talk lovingly about their futures. In fact one is a friend of his who was single and childless up until 2 years ago. It seems like just yesterday we were consoling him after a breakup… and we went to his wedding last month.

I’ve brought up the marriage and children topic multiple times, and his reaction has read like we are both 19 years old and have been dating for 4 months.

Now, for the past 6 months he’s been a lot more open to doing it soon. Language like “yeah we need to get on that” “well of course I plan on us getting married”. The thing is tho, it was really pressure from his friends or family that started the ball in motion and that really irks me.

We recently joined an online gaming community and made friends in the group. That vast majority of them are married men in their 30s. I was referred to as “wife” until I cleared that up. What followed was disbelief and a down right roasting of my bf. “Dude you know after 5 years” “what excuse do you possibly have” “bro, she’s gonna leave you.” After that conversation, he started to bring up the topic of rings and engagement. Now all of his siblings are married, most younger. His mom has also started to give him a side eye.

Last time we talked he said “but I need to get you a really nice ring and I can’t afford that right now, I need to buy a house first, pay off student debt”(I will be 90). I have told him multiple times I really don’t care about my ring, as long as it’s thoughtful and durable. He’s told me no, it’s really important. Our friends and family will view that as a direct correlation of our commitment. Don’t get me started on wedding planning, he wants us to have 50k saved up. Meanwhile im rolling my eyes at the idea and planned on having a very low key event.

I’ve decided to lay off the comments because now at this point I feel like if he proposes it will be simply out of peer pressure and that won’t feel good. But every month that passes I start to feel this little seed of growing resentment.

He proposed to his ex gf after 2 years. They dated for 7 in total and never got married and had a rather toxic relationship. Every time the topic comes up it ends up circling back to that experience. I want to have empathy, but at the same time I’m not her. I’m not going to leave. I’m not going to change my mind. Lots of relationships don’t work out (I’ve had several long term failings). I know baggage is a thing and can be hard, but it’s upsetting to constantly be compared to someone I am not. What we have is great but I still endure “you never know who people are” comments that make me feel like I’m wasting my time.

My boyfriend (25) and I(26) went ring shopping back in January. We've been together for almost 5 years and lived together for 1. It started out kinda just for fun and I was curious to figure out what i like since all of my friends and family have gotten engaged and married this year and last.

Despite all my friends being engaged I feel like ive actually been very patient and generally against the whole just getting engaged because everybody else is. I want it to be on our own time in our own special way.

Well I finally decided on the definite style of ring I wanted in May and we found a jeweler who could make it.

Since then to my knowledge there has been no movement on his behalf. And he says he hasn't reached out to buy it yet and start the process because the jeweler said it only takes about a month and he is planning for "sometime next year". Am I overreacting for getting impatient now? How do I be more understandable and patient? I know he loves summer but I dont think i can wait 8 more months to next summer. I wish that if he wanted a summer proposal he had just done it this summer.

I’m 26F and my now ex-boyfriend is 32M. We were together for almost 4 years. Marriage had been something we’d talked about for a long time, and for most of our relationship, it felt like we were building towards it.

We’d talked about living together, our honeymoon, children, what our life would look like, etc. (Edit: As someone in the comments in another subreddit pointed out- I think I was the one actively talking, he’d just play along and feed into my delusions i guess) He had called me his wife, I’d called him my husband. I understood that marriage was a significant step and that there could still be things to discuss, but I genuinely believed we were moving towards marriage together.

The difficult part is that for the past ~2 years, I had repeatedly asked him to sit down with me and discuss the important things before we got to this point.

I would say things like: let’s talk about where we want to live, children, finances, family involvement, expectations after marriage, what marriage actually means to each of us, etc. I wanted us to really examine whether we were compatible and whether we were making this decision consciously.

He often didn’t want to have those conversations in depth. He would say that he doesn’t think so deeply yet and is trying to take things day by day. He would respond if I brought up specific topics, but wouldn’t initiate these conversations himself.

He finally introduced me to his parents, and our parents finally met each other about a month ago for the first time. It felt like a significant step towards actually getting married.

And then, suddenly, two days after that, he told me that he wasn’t 100% sure anymore.

The part that was really destabilising was that he didn’t seem to know exactly what the doubt was.
I asked him whether he was questioning specific things about marriage — like children, family, living arrangements, etc. — or whether he was questioning marrying me altogether.

He said he didn’t know.
He didn’t know exactly what he was questioning. He didn’t know whether there were specific issues or whether he was contemplating the entire marriage. He didn’t know how long it would take him to figure it out.

He said he needed time and space to process everything, and I eventually gave him three weeks to contemplate. I gave him all the space in the world because I wanted his choice to be genuine. I didn’t want to pressure him into marrying me when he wasn’t sure.

After those three weeks, he came back and told me that “we’re not compatible.”

He also said that he couldn’t picture us together 20–30 years down the line, that “it’s just not a yes” for him.

When I asked what exactly we were incompatible about, whether we could seek couples therapy, or whether some of these things were fixable, he said he couldn’t point to anything specific. It was just a general sense of incompatibility and a general sense of not having a yes.

And that was it. We broke up.

I’m broken beyond anything.

I understand that people can genuinely have doubts before marriage. I don’t expect someone to blindly marry me just because we’ve been together for four years. Nobody owes me marriage, and I would never want someone to choose me if they genuinely didn’t want to.
But I’m struggling enormously with the fact that I spent the last two years actively trying to have these conversations, trying to understand whether we were compatible and whether we were consciously building a life together. He often felt we had time and preferred to take things day by day. And now, after all this time, I’m left trying to make sense of a breakup that apparently comes down to a feeling he cannot even articulate.

He talked about our future enthusiastically with me. We spoke about marriage, our life together, and all the things we wanted to build. He called me his wife. I genuinely believed we were moving towards that future.

I feel so, so discarded. I’m heartbroken, but I’m also absolutely enraged. I’m angry that I spent so much time believing we were working towards something together, that I tried to have these conversations long before we got to this point, and that I now have to live with the consequences of a decision he couldn’t seem to bring himself to examine until we were actually here.

I feel like I’ve been left holding the pieces of a future that I thought we were both choosing.

Part of me wants him to understand how deeply he has hurt me. Another part of me is struggling to accept that I may never get an explanation that makes sense of any of this.

I know I can’t make him choose me, and I don’t want to. But how do you reconcile the future you experienced yourself building with someone with the fact that they ultimately didn’t choose it?

If you were in my place, how would you deal with these feelings? How do you cope with the anger, the grief, and the feeling of having been discarded by someone you thought you were building a life with? How do you begin to make peace with an ending that came without any concrete explanation?

TL;DR: My ex-boyfriend (32M) and I (26F) were together for almost four years and had spoken enthusiastically about marriage and our future together. For the past two years, I repeatedly tried to initiate conversations about children, finances, family involvement, and other important aspects of married life, but he often felt we had time. When our parents finally met, he suddenly expressed doubts about marrying me. I gave him three weeks of space to figure things out, and he came back saying we were incompatible, that he couldn’t picture us together 20–30 years down the line, that “it’s just not a yes.” He couldn’t point to any specific incompatibilities and didn’t want to explore couples therapy or whether anything was fixable. We broke up. I feel utterly heartbroken, discarded, and enraged, especially because he had spoken about our future so enthusiastically. How do you deal with the anger, grief, and feeling of being discarded by someone you thought you were building a life with, especially when the relationship ends without any concrete explanation?

We’ve been together 5 years, have a 5mo child, own a house together

Our relationship is good, it’s stable, he’s my best friend, there’s never been concern of break ups

Probably 2 years now we’ve spoken about marriage as an inevitable “one day” type event, rather than something that may happen if we get to that stage.

But how long until it’s reasonable to find this when thing a little less believable and more of a platitude?

I’ve always been clear marriage is important to me for various reasons, and while he’s less bothered he has expressed an understanding of all that etc etc. And as much as I feel it would be very unromantic to just straight up pin him down to discuss logistics, I also don’t want to not mention it and leave it with him in the ether and find myself in the same position another 5 years from now….

So I guess my question is really - should I just bluntly bring it up and ask for a more concrete plan on it, or is that just needy and unromantic and I’m being too impatient?

Edit to add: thanks for the comments everyone, I would love to reply to them properly but this seems to have got a bit out of hand while I’ve been out of the app 😂 I spoke to him and he apologised and agreed it’s not something that should have been left as a hypothetical/to do thing and he hadn’t realised I had been upset by it, so everyone saying that I should have basically just used my words and made it clear was right.
We’ve set a date for rough date for next year and are looking at venues. Thanks for all telling me to man up and tell him what I was feeling about the whole thing, turns out I was being a wimp totally unnecessarily

Second edit to add: also, just for more complete clarity on the situation as people seem to be coming from a stance where us not being married means I’d be less provided for in a break up. TBH financially I’m probably better off not doing it. Unmarried our individual assets are much more distinct and given I earn more, have more savings, can afford to buy him out of the house, and am still working whereas he is currently staying home with the baby and definitely couldn’t afford the house alone… arguably me wanting this is pretty dumb financially. Just so we can all come at why I’ve been being a muppet from the right angle

My [27F] boyfriend [30M] and I have been together a little over 1.5 years. He’s warm and affectionate, incredibly intelligent and funny, and has been my best friend. We’re long distance but he travels often to see me and has stuck with me through difficult work situations and panic attacks and fights. He takes really good care of me when I’m over at his place and really wants to get to know me on a deep level by showing interest and engaging in my inner world and my life.

I really thought we'd get married and build a family together, but trust has broken down and I think we’re stuck in a loop: When I feel doubts, I ask questions and look for reassurance. He feels judged and pulls back, and I end up feeling more anxious.

Some examples:

- One night his location showed him about a mile from home late at night while he said he was asleep, and his phone showed him active on WhatsApp. He says the location was a glitch, which is possible because I’ve seen it glitch a bit before.

- He called a woman from college a “buddy” and said they'd had a brief mutual crush when they met that fizzled out, but he's liked her posts for years. Then I found old college notes of his where he wrote that he was deeply attracted to and obsessed with her, and that she was his "future." They've been texting on and off for a decade+, about once a year, and he even watched the T.V. show she was on last year. When I asked him directly if he still had feelings for her, he said no.

- He bought a ring for me in May and said he’d propose soon. I expected it on a June trip; afterward he said 2027 and that he’d never planned that trip. We agreed on a fall road trip instead when he realized how much the changed timeline hurt me. He later privately decided not to do so on the road trip either because our couples therapy/pre-marital counseling was apparently not going well.

- After the June trip, I found that a previously unopened box of condoms in his drawer had been opened, and a few were on top of his socks. None were missing, and we’re waiting for marriage for intercourse. He said he’d packed some for our trip in case I changed my mind.

- In one of our last couples therapy sessions, I learned about $40k in credit card debt (plus student loans). He said beyond the emotional and relational benefit, sharing costs was one benefit of living together. I earn more, and it felt transactional, especially because he's joked about me being a "breadwinner" before, and he'd never told me the extent of his debt. He’s since said that money isn’t why he’s with me, and that he feels hurt by my assumptions about his motivations. Unfortunately, I didn’t fully believe him and we kept having arguments about this.

- His ex, whom I reached out to, said he was vague with her about future commitment and affectionate in private but not in public. I've always felt uncomfortable with how he talked about her, like saying she was "sweet but simple" and a "corporate warrior" and that ending things with her was like "putting down a dog."

On my end, I have anxiety and likely PMDD, and I’m in therapy and on a treatment plan to fix this. I'm not proud of this at all, but when things felt uncertain in the past, I checked his location, his social media, and things at his place, and some of my questions became conclusions about his character. He’s said that left him feeling mistrusted, worn down, and mildly depressed.

We've currently stopped couples therapy. He’s in individual therapy twice a week, and I just found out that he's been using that space to decide if a happy and healthy future with me is possible. He sent me an email a few days ago saying he’s unsure he can give me the future and certainty I want, and that he's having a hard time balancing his career with our relationship. Distance is also an issue: he now says he wants to stay near his parents and high school friends for emotional support. I've told him I'm willing to move an hour away from my family/office.

We talked on the phone later because I had no idea if he'd ended things or not. He told me that for a long time, he'd really wanted a future with me. Lately though, the conflict has strained him to a point where he feels uncertain about us. His therapist had him come up with a list of traits for his "ideal partner." The list is as follows:

- Implicit trust
- Charitability (assuming the best of him)
- Softness (looking at him with "affection and adoration") [He's told me multiple times that I have RBF and I've tried to change it, from reshaping my brows to drinking caffeine so that I look more awake and alert.]
- Competency (not wanting to handhold a partner and guide them)
- Cleverness/Humor
- Kindness, but not necessarily niceness

We're both still technically "together" and not seeing anyone else, and he’s slowly planning a date, but I've never felt more lost. Has anyone gotten out of this cycle? What helped, and how do you know when it can’t be fixed?

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TL;DR: Stalled engagement, late debt disclosure, and confusing incidents broke my trust. My anxiety turned into checking; now he's withdrawn and is considering ending things. Is this fixable?

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EDITED 10/12 post body because I realized I wrote too many negative things at once and that’s not fair to him.

My boyfriend (28M) and I (28F) created a custom ring together over the summer and finalized it in July. I was with him when he paid for it, and it was supposed to be ready no later than mid-August. At the time he bought it, I jokingly said he’d need to propose quite soon after getting it otherwise I’m gonna start looking for where he’s hid the ring (I’m dying to see how it turned out!!).

He’s always made it clear he wants to propose on some sort of trip together, so when he suggested a trip to the mountains, I figured he was planning to propose. It’s also our only opportunity for a trip in the next few months as I’m about to start a new job. Well our trip just came and went, and there was no proposal. I was a mixture of excited and anxious the whole time thinking he could pop the question and it never came. I’m not really sure what to do here but I’m starting to wonder if he’s having second thoughts. I just can’t understand why he let this incredible trip come and go without any proposal. There were so many moments on the trip where it would’ve been perfect, and it was a special location to us because we visited it early on in our relationship.

Would it be out of line for me to check in with him about his plans to propose/ask if he’s having second thoughts? Or tell him I thought he was going to propose on the trip? I told myself I wouldn’t ask him anything about it once he bought the ring… but I just expected to have received it by now and can’t help but feel disappointed it hasn’t happened. It’s worrying me that he might be having second thoughts, and I’m also starting to feel some resentment at how he’s making me wait when he knows I am just dying to see how it turned out. Any advice for what to do/not do in this situation?

Partners family Edit: after reading some comments, I wanted to address some things. We have had the marriage talk mutiple times , even went as far as talking about things we would like or dislike. I told him once our 5 year hit (which is in February) he has a year after that to propose or else we would have somethings to discuss. I know there is a ring picked out but dont think it has been bought. I have seen what ring he bought. But as far as leaving him, it isnt as easy as just grabbing my things and going. One, I dont want to leave my stepkid, ive been there for them for the past 4 years, granted I would probably still get to see them but I dont want to put them through that again. And two, everything is so intertwined like our bank account , bills , ect. I do understand everyone's points and like I said in a comment below im starting to reconsider things.

My partner(27) and I(26)have been together almost 5 years.we have known each other 10 plus years. We have had the chat and know we eventually want to get married. I try not to think about not being engaged, I would love to be engaged and hate that its already been this long.

But anyways, his family makes that engagement anxiety or whatever you call it so much worse. I swear every chance they get , they bring up engagement. They have gone as far as basically planning the wedding. His sister got married to a guy she knew less than a year (no judgment) and its just been non stop then, on top of it we are in a wedding this month. So the wedding talk has been horrible , his family friends all asking when we will be engaged.

Every time someone says something he says "oh I have to push it back now" like.. i dont know if he actually is but im so frustrated. I want to be engaged , I would love to do all these things. I feel like im being hounded for not being engaged yet, to the point im questioning if he even wants to marry me.

Im tired of wedding/engagement talk.

My boyfriend (33M) and I (28F) are coming up on our third anniversary next month. I love him and want to spend my life with him. He’s been open about seeing a future with me and wanting to propose, but we haven’t talked about when.

This year has been rough. We’ve dealt with job loss and a death in the family, so I understand that things may not have gone how he originally planned. We’re still strong and happy together. We live together, have traveled abroad, and met each other’s families early on. We talk about having kids and growing old together, so getting engaged feels like a natural next step to me.

I’m hoping he proposes around our anniversary, but he hasn’t said that he will. There haven’t been any obvious hints, like asking about my ring size or what I like. He offered to pay for a manicure and pedicure at one point, but that fell through after some car issues last month. I know a lack of hints doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but I’ve been wondering...

Our lease is also up in a few months, and I’m hesitant to sign another yearlong lease without knowing where we’re headed. I’m worried about staying in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want to spend years hoping for a commitment that never comes. Hearing that he wants to marry me is reassuring, but eventually, I need that to turn into action.

I’ve told him that I want kids by 32 and that I want to be married before having them. He’s also been very clear that he wants kids and a family. I feel like almost three years is a reasonable amount of time to know whether you want to marry someone.

He was engaged once before, about a decade ago, and they got engaged after a year. I try not to compare, but sometimes that does get in my head.

There’s also the ring. I’m worried he may still have his ex’s engagement ring and might use it to propose to me. I don’t know if he’s actually planning that, but it would really hurt to be given a ring he picked out for someone else. It’s not about wanting something expensive. I’d just want it to be something he chose for me. How do I bring that up naturally without assuming he’s about to propose?

As for the timeline, would it be reasonable to leave if we’re still not engaged a few months after our anniversary? I love him, but I don’t want to keep putting my own plans on hold indefinitely.

But the last thing I want is to tell him all this and have him propose right afterward because he feels obligated or is afraid I’ll leave. I want him to want to marry me on his own. At the same time, I know he can’t read my mind, and avoiding the conversation isn’t helping either.

How would you handle this? I’d appreciate different perspectives, especially from men who have been in a similar situation.

I'm not 100% sure if this is the best place for this. We've been together for 10 years, living together the whole time (long distance before that) but haven't married solely because we didn't have the money for the nice wedding that I want. We've always understood and planned for it as something we want to do, we just have other priorities to work on first.

That said, me and my partner are planning on buying a home within the next year, I'll soon be getting a higher paying job with health insurance, our salaries will even out to make joint filing a smarter option, and it just makes legal sense for us to be married. We've started putting money away in a separate savings account for the wedding, which will still be on a very limited budget (we decided a lavish honeymoon would be more fun.) However we're not putting much away because we're more focused on the house, meaning it will be 2-3 years before we have enough depending on how hard we save.

Basically I'm worried that if we get legally married and plan to have the wedding years from now, are we just going to end up postponing it forever? Will the wedding not mean anything since literally nothing about our relationship had changed, not even its label? Will our friends and family even care or want to celebrate it at that point? I have a particular vision of what I want my wedding to be, and it's not practical right now, but getting married is the practical thing to do.

TL;DR: It makes sense for us to get married right now, but not necessarily to have a wedding. I'm just worried that once we get legally married, we won't want to have a wedding at all. Does anyone have experience or thoughts on this? Thanks in advance.

Hi all - this is a throwaway account from my regular for privacy but I am at the point where I just need outside opinions.

My fiance (31M) proposed to me (32F) over a year ago. At first, he tried to be excited about a wedding and I took that excitement and started planning a wedding. Since, he has been on the stereotypical soap box of weddings being a waste of money and the wedding industrial complex. He wants to elope, but I want to have a wedding. I have presented a few different options to try and find a compromise, but he just complains about anything that isn't us eloping. This got very contentious earlier this spring and it was a dark time in our relationship. We worked through a lot of this, but I have been worried to bring up a wedding again.

When our one year anniversary of being engaged hit, he was sad because he didn't think we would have a long engagement. This shocked me because he has been against everything I suggested but has no proposals other than elope in general. I, however, am at a point where I don't think we should stick to our initial plan to get married this summer because I don't want to plan a wedding and have him complain the whole time and know he will be miserable on the day of. I also don't want to elope and be miserable on the day of. Neither of us deserve to have what should be a special day be miserable. If it's going to be miserable, we should just not get married or just sign the marriage license at home.

I wish I was excited to be engaged and planning a wedding. I literally picked a wedding dress under $300 trying to make this man happy and show I can compromise. I have redesigned this so many times, but I have gotten no help. I want to be excited to get married and I am miserable trying to find something that will make us both happy. It feels like nothing will make him happy unless it's what he wants. He doesn't care that I want witnesses and to celebrate the event with others.

Is it an overreaction to consider postponing marriage? It feels like unless I can get on board with an elopement, he will just be miserable. We already have our entire wedding budget saved, we did so in 8 months, but he wants to use that money for something more responsible like a house.

Has anyone else dealt with an extremely stubborn fiance? I am at my wits end.

My boyfriend (31) and I (32) have been dating since April 2025 and living together since January. Next month we have to make a decision about renewing our lease and I’m pretty sure I only want to sign for 6 months unless there’s a ring on my finger. I don’t think this would come as a total shock to him since I was already weary about moving in before a ring. All signs point to this not being necessary (talks about wedding planning, ring shopping etc) but I want to be smart about things. However, I’m worried that drawing this line will suck the joy out of it and make any ring feel like a shut up ring even if it was genuinely going to materialize without the deadline. Anyone have experience giving a deadline and how it turned out if you got the ring?

I hope this is a safe place. A lot of people can be cruel. I (28F) have been with my partner (32M) for 6.5 years. I moved away after undergrad for grad school, which I was always vocal as friends that I wanted to move away. Where I ended up I loved my living environment. He had admitted that he always secretly hoped I was coming back and if I did I’d have the ring already. We broke up because he went through a hardship after losing his job and he pushed everyone away. We got back together a few months later. He agreed to move where I was because when he and I were back talking after the break up. He told me he would move wherever to save our relationship. However I ended up moving again for a better work opportunity which happens to be his hometown and he will be moving next year. I have been very vocal this year about engagement and his responses are all about no rushing yada yada, which is understandable and he wants it to be on his own time where I can genuinely be surprised. It just hurts to see both his younger brothers engaged and married all under 2-3 years. I don’t care about the distance because the goal is always to move back together in one state. But I made a comment about a deadline by the end of the year. His feelings were so hurt and now he feels that I’m planning my own proposal. I feel bad that I made the comment but I don’t want to keep waiting. Yes, we have always talked about marriage and future plans. He has been very clear on marriage. However, I’m more of a future planner and he’s a live in the moment person. I have also been invited and been a bridesmaid to 4 weddings this year and already have 3 more lined up next year.

I want to calm my mind on the jealousy and to stop thinking about marriage/engagement. Wish I was able to tune it all out.

Update on my previous post:

8 years together, he says he’ll marry me “if it’s important to me” but no steps taken. I’m starting to resent him. Anyone been here? : r/Waiting_To_Wed

Sometimes, you just have to be patient and communicate what you actually want. You also have to realize that just because you changed your mind quickly, it doesn't mean the other person did as well.

He proposed this summer on our trip to Spain! We are planning to get married next year or in 2028.

It turns out he had always wanted to get married, but he was planning something special. Because I didn't want to get married in the beginning, he was really surprised when I suddenly changed my mind. For him, it was always a certainty that we would stay together and build a life, whether we got married or not.

Long story short: you have to communicate what you want before you spiral into dark thoughts.

Just wanted to let you all know! :)