Hey Bros, purposely keeping this vague to avoid identifying myself or my husband.

Sparknotes version, I was assaulted less than a week ago while on vacation. Husband has been incredibly supportive. We were exploring (mutually agreed upon) extracurriculars when it happened, and he had nothing to do with the act but he has been extremely helpful in the days since.

The assault happened in another state. I'm back in my own state now and have had my exam and the copious pharmacological interventions required for my safety. Incident was reported, though prosecution is unfortunately next to impossible.

And I simply cannot shake the fucking guilt nor can I feel any less dirty or awful. Never thought I'd take eight showers a day and still hate it.

Does anyone know if any male SA groups that I would be able to reach out to? Gay, bi, straight, nonbinary, anyone, I really don't give a damn.

I promise, I'm fine. I have a background in healthcare so I'm well versed in the reality and medical needs of this. I'm a first responder too, so I've had to have these difficult conversations with patients in the moment as well. But FFS none of this translates to when it happened to me.

Hey everyone! I've been going back and forth about posting this, but I figured I'd give it a try.

I'm a 45-year-old gay guy who's hoping to meet some new people and make a few friends.

I've known I was gay since I was 16, but I've never really been open about it with the people in my life. I've kept that part of myself private for a long time, and I think I've let a lot of life pass me by because of it.

I've never been in a relationship or even had my first kiss. It's a little embarrassing to admit that at my age, but it's the truth. Sometimes I look at other people and wonder what it would be like to have someone to share life with, or even just a good group of friends to hang out with and talk to.

I have a stable job, and I'm thankful for that, but lately I've been feeling pretty lonely. I sometimes feel like everyone else has moved forward with their lives while I'm still trying to figure things out. I know comparing myself to others probably doesn't help, but it's hard not to sometimes.

I'm not expecting to find a boyfriend right away. Honestly, I'd just like to start by getting to know some people, especially other gay guys who might understand where I'm coming from. It would be nice to have someone to chat with, share a laugh with, talk about life with, and hopefully become friends with over time.

I'm not the most confident person, so putting myself out there is a bit scary. But I don't want to keep doing the same things and feeling the same way, either. I'd like to make some changes, get out of my comfort zone a little, and hopefully start enjoying life more.

I'd love to travel more, meet new people, experience dating someday, and just feel more comfortable being myself. I know I can't change everything overnight, but I figure making a post like this is a start.

If anyone else has ever felt lonely, struggled to make friends, or felt like they're starting a little later than everyone else, I'd be happy to hear from you.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

anyone else over 30 here and never had a boyfriend? how do you cope?

This coming Saturday, my husband and I have been invited to a Jocktober Party. I originally snort-laughed and said hell no, but I changed my mind after thinking about it. I’m extremely shy (slim guy, 5’8, 135) and I’ve always been self-conscious about my body. I figured I should grit my teeth and get out of my comfort zone.

Question is this: What should I expect? Do dudes just hang out in jocks and, like, chit chat? Are these things like a meat market? Will I end up with a worse complex than I already have?

It’s not too late to back out.

I (41M) have started seeing someone (36M) for the past week after talking online for a couple years. He recently moved to my city, went on a couple dates so far, and we have great chemistry. It has been a long time since I've felt this excited about exploring a relationship with someone.

He had previously been in ten-year relationship and broke up two years ago, which also dissolved their co-owner business. Things were messy for a while after the breakup, particularly around business and finances. But he has never said anything bad about his ex the times we have met in person. 

My therapist is engaged to his ex.

I have been seeing my therapist for around 8 years. Relationships and sex are topics we talk about almost every appointment, and I do feel the need to bring up that I'm seeing someone as this has improved my mood and anxiety levels. 

How do I navigate talking about this guy without him figuring out who he is? If I keep things vague, my therapist will know I'm hiding something, because I've always been pretty detailed when discussing things. And if he figures out who it is, I'm worried about any type of bias, whether intentional or not. I know professionally he's supposed to be objective, but we're all human. 

My next appointment is next week, so I'm looking for advice on how to approach this. Thank you!

Hey everyone, my husband and I (both early 30s, based in NYC) want to try something new and are looking into going to a JO party. It would be our first time at this kind of event, and we really want to explore it together and stay by each other’s side the whole night rather than splitting up. Part of the appeal is seeing how comfortable we feel being naked around other guys, and maybe having some interaction or having people join in while we play. We’re curious if couples commonly attend these events and how guys generally react to pairs sticking together, especially when it comes to joining in while still respecting boundaries.

Hi there! I am someone that's turning 33 tomorrow but I have never actually been in a proper relationship with anyone before. Situationships? Plenty. But I digress. I am not sure how long this is going to be and I have no draft, so apologies if it is too long.

A little bit of context. I have been trying to meet people and get to know people since I was around 28 maybe, but it all ended up with me getting anxiety and trauma from it. I am gay so I can only use dating apps from where I am at. I don't go to bars or gay bars, or just social settings where people wear tags and those of the same will come to you. Since, in my mind, people are just looking for bed actions most of the time. So a quick history of those that has heavily affected me.

First guy - love bombed me a lot, taking me out to dinner and etc, then proceed to want bed action, which at that time I did, just light stuff, only to find out that after that he would go cold, like ice queen cold to me, which caused me to be anxious because I thought everything was going fine. Turns out, when I ask him about it, he say it makes him feel good that people would chase him like that and he also loves it when people turn out like that.
[Talked for about 2 weeks via texts, then met up, got depression and anxiety for a month, went on a healing journey for 2 months]

Second guy - Would mold his whole personality into what you want to see, just so that he could go to bed with you again (which i said no), while dating other people with the same aim, only to throw every option available away while my anxiety spiked again wondering what I did wrong, only to get ghosted and breadcrumbs.
[Matched, didn't talk much until a few months, everything happened and ended within a month]

Third guy - Things were going well until his friends told him that he shouldn't pursue further with me for God knows what reasons.
[Everything started and ended in a month]

Fourth guy - Things went well, we went on an overseas trip together, but one day he just gone missing.
[Met for a few months and talked for a while, hanged out a bit and ended in a month when things started]

Fifth guy - Told me he is looking for a relationship but ended up telling me he doesn't know what he wants. So I just left.
[Everything started and ended in a month]

Sixth guy - Possessive. Controlling. Double standard. Rude. Defensive. Yikes.
[Everything started and ended in a month+]

**

After reflecting it for some time, I noticed that perhaps all these "getting to know someone" was going too fast. Way too fast, and perhaps the best ones are the ones that are going slow and steady

So now, I met someone again, but this time I told myself not to rush anything. I matched with him on one app in early august, we talked a little bit, even exchanged Instagram. First thing I noticed is that he is a bad texter and at this point, I felt like I have nothing to lose at all and straight tell him that he is a bad texter, to which he admit, yeah, because he prefer phone calls and face to face interactions. No issues here because we all have different communication styles. Not an issue.

At this point, I feel like, if he is such a phone caller, why don't he just call me then? Instead he just leave it as it is and so I too leave it as it is.

So, later on, I found out that he has matched me again in Tinder and it was from long before (because you know, how Tinder works) and for some reason, I don't know why, I decided to match with him a second time and we started to talk slightly more again. Though one day he would randomly video call me when I was in the shower and I don't want this to turn into something sexual from the start, so I politely told him that I can't talk now, but it doesn't mean I don't want to talk to him, I do want to get to know him better, to which he sent me a white heart and "sure", but he still try to engage with me in my stories and all so it's fine.

Fast forward a bit, It is during September that I finally give myself the courage to ask him out because there was an event going on nearby. At first, he thought I was just informing him about said event, but I had to tell him that I am inviting him to go out with me, to have dinner, watch a movie and watch the last parts of the event. Surprisingly, he agreed and he was really engaged. He would call me to plan the outing which is next day mind you. I contemplated whether I should ask him out since I have some self-esteem conflict with myself.

During the outing, he was engaging. He talk more than I did, he would ask me some things during dinner, he would say to go watch the evening event before the movie since there are advertisements (We were supposed to miss this if there's no time) and I want to watch it. He would talk about my height (I think he has a thing with heights, even though he is taller than me). In the movie, he would whisper me some questions, theories about the movie (the movie was bad nonetheless).

So after the movie, we would go and watch the closing of the event together and would walk a bit around to dilute the crowd when we are going back. All this while I couldn't believe myself that I am actually going out with him. He would suggests us to go to a clothing store and would grab some stuff and put them on me to see if it matches. I would tell him my preferred brand and we would have a look and walk in there.

He would tell me that he is happy that he got to go out with me that day, which I said it is the same for me too, while internally screaming and shouting in joy. When we are going back in the train, even though different direction, he would tell me to right 1 station towards his direction because my direction is fully packed with people. While we are waiting in queue for the train, he would say let's take a photo together (I wanted to do that too, I was so flustered I forgot about it).

I wanted to ask him out again, but I feel like we just went out not long so I didn't went ahead with it, but around 2 weeks later, I wanted to ask him out again for a movie, but he told me that his friends have informed him that the movie sucks and I jokingly said to him "Alas, I couldn't scam you to go out with me" and it was left on read. No issues. He is, after all, a bad texter, I told myself.
On the day we were supposed to go out though, he would send me a screenshot of his friend's story to me and tell me about it and this surprised me, that he remembered me.

**

So now, this is my problem.

He is on a trip overseas now. He has been gone since 29th September and still not back today. Again. Not an issue. He has his freedom on his trip. When he is back, I will ask him out again because I want to listen to his travelling stories, and I also want to talk and know him more. No issues at all. Occasionally, I would like his stories that I genuinely like, and I would also comment about it and he would reply or react sometimes.

What my problem now is, my past trauma and anxiety ("bitches") is spiking during this blank period.

These bitches would kept telling me stuff that if I don't keep engaging with him now, he would definitely forget that I exist.

These bitches would kept telling me that if I don't keep engaging with him, other people would definitely snatch him off from my hands.

These bitches would say you know how popular he is and how desirable he is based on his Instagram, there are those that are definitely doing their best engaging with him and building a relationship with him while you are here being all saint by giving him "space".

These bitches would say by the time you are back, he wouldn't even go out with you anymore because there are other people that are better than you.

These bitches would say I am unwanted. There are so many others that are better than you. Notice how he don't see, react or comment on your stories nowadays while he would like some other people's posts while he is on holiday? (Instagram have this weird thing where they show you 'xxx liked this')

I could go on.

But deep down. I know that there is no evidence of rejection at all. There is nothing bad going on. Nothing bad happening. I know what I could bring to the table as me. I know my strengths and weaknesses, but I just find it difficult to silence these bitches.

I tried to play games on my PC, but part of me couldn't give these voices off. Since I am free at work, these voices are always there bitching around.

I admit though, that I might have some feelings towards him, and I would really really love to get to know him more. I want to spend time with him more and talk to him and understand him as a person and also to observe him.

So- Does anyone have ever been through these situations before? What should I do? What can I do? What did you do?

Some friends told me that maybe I could address these to him, but at the same time I think I might scared him off, with this internal battle I have in my head. I mean. Who would find this attractive right?

I do admit that I am scared that I am the one who is catching feelings instead at the end of the day. I also admit that I am scared that someone that I choose would choose someone else at the end of the day (although they have every right to do so).
I did talk with my sister, she say to take it slowly. Don't rush into anything. Just get to know him and "marinate" it.

P/S: Therapy and counselling is unavailable to me.

My husband (44m) and I (41m) are together 10 years. We are content in every way, but sex has stagnated a bit - once a week, predictable, fun, but maybe a bit rote after 10 years.

Were not interested in opening up. Maybe willing to play with a third, but never really done it.

My worry is that porn is getting in the way. We both look at porn maybe three times a week, privately. I know porn and sex are very different things, but I fear porn is satisfying our sexualiry more than actual sex.

Can anyone relate?

Hey bros, any guys here with HS? My husband has it and gets a recurring cyst on his taint, with flair ups typically after anal. He’s currently recovering from a recent flair up, and we think it may have to do with the lube we’re using (Wet Platinum silicone). If there’s anyone here with similar experiences, what do you use?

So I’m my early 40s. I didn’t starting having sex until much later in life, hasn’t even been 10 years yet (I was religious/repressed for a long time). I started out as a bottom and it’s sort of what I got typecast in. I’ve always been insecure about my size, it’s like 5.5 inches not very thick. I think that’s part of the reason I’ve defaulted to bottom.

I love bottoming and I’ve definitely honed my skills there. But I’m frustrated that I don’t/can’t top when the time is right. I’ve only topped a handful of times with one guy. I felt safe and comfortable. First couple times I did it I enjoyed and I came. After that I started over analyzing and got soft. Looking back it def created some mental thing in my head that I haven’t gotten over. I’ve tried a couple times since then and I’ll get soft.

I’ve got to get over the mental ED part of it. Trying to find the right therapist/program. Even Viagra/cialis don’t really work, I’ve read that performance anxiety can make them ineffective in significant cases. When I’m with a partner and I know there’s no chance I’ll top and can def get 100 percent hard at times. I’ve had medical stuff checked out and everything seems fine. It’s frustrating because the ED is spreading into solo stuff too sometimes, just randomly thinking ‘you’ll never be hard enough to penetrate’ etc. I’m a naturally anxious person and this is def becoming a manifestation of that.

I’d love to hear success stories from guys who either:

1) were mostly bottom but started incorporating/enjoying more versatility
2) guys that had mental ED and got over it.

Appreciate the help bros. I’m going through it right now.

Specifically, with each other! And how do you feel about the frequency/excitment?

And any tips on keeping the spark alive.

EDIT: just to say thanks to so many commenters for being open and vulnerable. I'm sure it's valuable to people whether it's because they feel they might have an issue in their relationship or whether it's to give them hope that long term relationships can maintain the spark. My post and responses are all out of curiosity, zero judgement, so thanks for taking part :)

I live in a small town in Colorado, and so far haven't had much luck with a job which makes money tight, I was wondering if there is any other things (online or otherwise) that would let me meet other guys or connect.

So bored and really kinda miss dressing up (at least a little) to go out somewhere. Do you still go out and if so, where? Gay spaces, or somewhere else?

I'm a M33, and lately I've been trying to understand something about myself.

I'm definitely attracted to men. I can find a guy incredibly attractive, get butterflies when someone I like is around, and feel physically aroused by them. But despite all that, I rarely feel the desire to actually have sex with someone.

I recently ended a seven-year relationship with my ex. During the last year of our relationship, we only had sex around 10 times. He rarely initiated it, and I never really felt the need to initiate it either. At the time, I didn't think much of it.

What's confusing is that I have a relatively high libido. I can get turned on quite easily, and I'm curious about physical intimacy. But when I imagine actually having sex with someone I'm attracted to, it doesn't really appeal to me. I might want to kiss, cuddle, or be physically close to them, but sex itself isn't something I actively desire.

I also don't feel like using grindr since all of them only looking for sex which I don't really down into it.

I've been wondering whether I could be somewhere on the asexual spectrum, but I don't want to label myself prematurely. I'm not even sure whether what I'm experiencing is about sexual attraction, libido, or simply how I relate to intimacy.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Can you be gay, have a high libido, and still have little to no desire to have sex with other people?

Hey folks, so since I turned my life around a few months ago after a decade (my 20s) of drug addiction, alcohol abuse, low self esteem, being around a bad crowd etc etc, I'm feeling such immense regret, for wasting my 20s.

But then I look back and think, even if I knew what I knew now, would things have been much better? What I mean is - I'm bottom, 1 million% like I do not top. I'm also quite feminine in ways and now I embrace that but back then, I was hiding it - not that I was gay but you know, the feminine aspect of it.

But like, 15 years ago, it was hard being a feminine gay, I had a major complex about it (obviously I wish I hadn't). But I feel like society made me feel this way I mean everyone on Grindr was like 'manly guys only' you know?

But now I feel as though gay society has really improved and so, it is helping me cope with the regret, I guess I'm just hoping people will reply in agreement with me and not tell me it was just as easy and okay back then to be a feminine gay

*I originally posted this in r/lgbt but it got like no traction

I'm a 32 year old without much dating and romantic experience. Growing up, my parents had a rocky marriage and told my sister and I never to get married. There weren't a lot of "out" gay guys when I went to college and I never met anyone I'd want to be with in that way. At my age, my friends and colleagues at my new job are asking me the typical questions about a spouse and kids, but when I respond that I don't have them, people ask me if I even want them. I've never actually been asked that before and it's caused me to really give it some thought. I've come to the conclusion that a partner and children are not things I want in my life.

Regarding dating - it just feels like I'd have to make a lot of changes (and probably relocate) to have a better chance of meeting guys. It feels like something you have to be very intentional about - like hunting or car shopping or something. I just don't know that I'm made for all of that. I've had guys express interest a couple of times but I wasn't sure what to do with that, tbh.

Did you have to be very intentional about finding your partner? Was it like a life mission or did it just happen?

We don't have gay spaces like bars or clubs where I am so I'm sure if you live in a big city with gay nightlife your experience is probably very different. (I know there's a user on here who will tell everyone "just put your phone down and go to clubs" but that's not the reality for many of us).

Also wondering - did anyone else come to the conclusion that you're just not meant to be with someone else in a romantic sort of way? What do you do with that once you've reached that conclusion?

I told my coworker as he was complaining about the dating scene 'you need to get someone like me' and he was like 'yeaaa..... We have to find you somebody too'. So the after work iHop 'dates' and the bowling 'dates' were just hangouts I guess.. 2 years ago

First one was when I spent the night at my best friend's crush house and I pulled the music video for 'Shawty swing my way' and there was no context, no follow up, and no explanation just cringe. Edit : Sophomore year

Also once delivering Indian food I saw a cute guy and gave him his food. Texted him since I had his contact info after leaving and said 'Hey I just delivered that Indian food if you need someone to share it with' and he replied saying he had a girlfriend....... Edit: I was 21

Ugh

Hey bros, for the past few weeks, I haven’t had much sexual pleasure. I’m able to get hard and cum, but it doesn’t feel that good when I do. It feels more just like relief than pleasure. I don’t know if it’s just depression or something wrong with my hormones or what. I’m not taking any anti-depressants. I scheduled an appointment with a doctor, but it’s in a few weeks.

Has anyone experienced this kind of thing? What can I do?

I’m 49 and a transgender man. I have not been with a man in 20 years when I was pre-transition. After transitioning I always thought of myself as straight but earlier this year (out of NOWHERE) I suddenly started falling hard for a man that I occasionally work with, who is an engineer. He is so sweet, and he has been very very receptive to me whenever we’re alone and I’m flirting with him. However, he has never asked me out or tried to talk to me outside of work, so that’s sadly a non-starter. My last relationship was in 2022 with a woman, and I haven’t dated or even kissed anyone since then.

In 2023 I got my current job which is really demanding. I also got a late in life diagnosis as ADHD, which is also why I haven’t had any energy to get out and meet people or date. I do have an ADHD therapist and I have been working with her on this crush and trying to work on getting out more and meeting people. There are only a couple of people at work who know I’m transgender, it’s not a secret but I just don’t talk about it unless I know and really trust someone.

I know everyone says never get your honey where you get your money. I don’t see this man very often so I’ve been trying to not think about him and put him out of my mind. It’s hard because I really like him.

I would love to hear from other guys about your life experiences and advice on navigating these new feelings. Ideally I would like to end up in a relationship someday and have a life partner to share my life with, and it sounds like just dating and meeting available men is the best way to do that. Thanks!

Me (35M). T and I met about a year ago and became close friends. Over time we developed feelings for each other. He’s with his partner, M, and they’re open.

In the last few months it’s become a lot more than friendship. It’s physical, and a couple of weeks ago we went away for a weekend, just the two of us.

And we keep going around the same loop. We get close, M gets jealous, T asks for space. Sometimes Im the one who pulls away, because distance is my reflex when it gets too much. Then we drift back, and it starts again. Every time we share something deep, the bar gets higher, I miss him more, and then everything goes back to “normal” until the next round. M is already jealous of what we have, and when they’ve discussed it, T has told him he won’t stop seeing me.

T has been honest with me the whole way. He says his feelings are real, that he’s never been in a situation like this, that he needs to figure out what he wants, and that he can’t ask me to wait while he does. Whenever I’ve pushed him to decide, he’s said he isn’t ready, and I’ve accepted it, partly because Im not ready either.

So for the first time Im seriously thinking about stepping back to friendship. What scares me is losing him completely.

For anyone who's been on either side of this:

Did you manage to get back to a real friendship with someone you were having feelings with? What did it take?

How do you step back without it just becoming the next round of the loop?

On Sunday, I was playing with a toy in my ass. I got a little carried away and rough. I took it out and there was a speck of blood on the toy. I went to the bathroom to wipe and there wasn’t really any on the toilet paper. I’ve used the bathroom since and there is no blood. There is zero pain. I feel normal. How long should I wait until I do anything in my anal?

First time posting, but I could really use some advice and it’s hard going to friends about it.
Me (35) and my boyfriend (28) of one year broke up two weeks ago. Things had been rocky for a few months, with our sex drives and expectations of intimacy and romance not lining up snd sparking frustrations between us. He blamed his autism and said he’s possibly asexual, and that he’d been pulling away because he felt that he was forcing himself out of his comfort zone to meet me halfway. When we broke up we both said how much we love each other and don’t want to build resentment towards each other and want to be friends after a period of no contact. The break up wasn’t really mutual, as I was willing to work to make things better and compromise, but I think what he was saying was right.
Now I’m stuck in a weird back and forth headspace where I’m grieving all the good parts of the relationship we had, while trying to remind myself of the many low points where I felt disconnected or neglected. And I’m having a hard time moving on, partially because I’m holding out hope he’ll change his mind(I know he won’t) and partially because I don’t want to fully block him on everything because I do want to be friends down the road. So now I find myself looking at old pics of him and looking at his instagram to see how he’s doing and each time it just reopens the wound.
This isn’t my first serious relationship to end, but the first that didn’t end with bitterness or cheating or lack of love. It would be so much easier if I could hate him.
So any advice on how to move on from a break up with someone you still genuinely love and how to be friends after?

How to know when it’s time to let go and move on? How to move on?

Here’s my story in short if you’re interested in the read, I. E. My dilemma of a life. I (30m) have been with my partner (32m) for almost 11 years. He’s been closeted the entire time, all throughout the years of living separately, to living together, to living separately again (reasons are always he worked for his parents, he lived with his parents, he can’t lose them) meanwhile I’ve sacrificed my youth and life for fractions of “borrowed” time with him. It’s been a HARD relationship the past few years especially. Time together ranges from 3 weeks to once a month. No phone calls. Only texts. No sex. No romance. I’ve tried but have always been met with resistance (always a reason like being tired, not in the mood, maybe later - which never happens)

I live alone. I’m lonely. I’m loyal and faithful and go to work and go home and sit there by myself. I want a life with someone. I yearn for that. I’ve put in so much time and energy into this. I don’t want to lose this, yet, ironically, I don’t know how to do this anymore. I worry that this is what all relationships lead to, resentment and lonely, lies, unfaithfulness, distance. I worry this is the only future I’ll have and so it’s stay with the thing ya know, orrrr risk it all and find something worse - especially for a gay man who would like a monogamous life with someone. -

Theres more to the story, I’m not perfect, I fuck up, I’ve hurt him, I didn’t know who i was when I was younger, I clung to unhealthy people because that’s what I knew. He showed me that there were people who weren’t like that. I fell in love HARD, and probably suffocated him with too much of my love and affection. I’m not the same 19 year old anymore. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve gone through a lot. I want more. But time has twisted our lives and we’ve lived separately for 5 years and each year he promises THIS IS THE YEAR, then it never is and I’m back to being alone and waiting.

Again, there’s more to the story but this is where I’ll leave it. Thanks for listening to the rant. Just getting to a point where the loneliness is turning into a dark road, and I don’t know where to go from here.

(Sleep token - gethsemane - is the that fits how I feel)