yesterday i drove my car for the first time in a year after traveling back across the country (i didn’t bring it with me to grad school since we had public transit everywhere).

i was driving to the DMV to update my tags and registration and i drove past a stopped school bus going the opposite direction. i only realized because somebody honked and i then noticed the stop arm in my rearview mirror but at that point i had passed and the damage was done.

i keep replaying that moment in my head — how could i not have seen the stop arm or flashing lights? even driving into the sun i should have noticed. there was a line of cars in the other lane facing the stopped bus (i still don’t understand why, but seeing it i just figured they were all parked because they were on the wrong side of the road). i was just staring ahead at my own lane.

i keep throwing up out of fear and guilt. i’ve been driving for six years with a clean record and my brain just didn’t react. it’s also making me feel so sick that i’m worrying about a coming class A citation when i should be completely focused on the fact that i could have hurt or killed a child.

i feel selfish, evil and not safe to be around. i’ve jeopardized my own future and the lives of others. the citation will be sent within 10 days if it was caught on camera, and i feel even more guilty for hoping it wasn’t because i deserve the punishment. sushi burrito for dinner that i later threw up.

i got into an accident. the car is supposed to be done by the end of the day when i get off on monday. BUT, the shop is 40 minutes away from my job, and opens at the same time im meant to be at work. the bus would take transfers and multiple hours. uber is like $45. idk what to do!!

As the title says, for a few reasons.

- Together 10 years, married for 5. Lately my husband has been putting pressure on me to have a baby. For context, I’m 42 and already have a teenager from a previous relationship. He has no kids and I think he’s having a midlife freak out regarding having no ‘legacy’. I for one know that I definitely do not want any more children. Additionally, I would be the one who would be doing the majority of the childcare etc if we were to have one. I can literally think of nothing worse and have absolutely no desire to return to the days of sleepless nights, endless days and loss of independence.

- I feel like I’m not really appreciated. Not in a terrible way, I’m just tired of the day to day drudgery. Cooking, cleaning, washing and repeat. I don’t remember the last time he cooked a meal for me. I know he will say he is the financial provider, and this is true - he’s generous and pays for the majority of my bills whereas I only have a part time job. I’m just tired.

- I feel guilty for not wanting intimacy much anymore. Maybe it’s perimenopause, but I just don’t have a libido. I know this bothers him. I’ve got to the point where I just don’t even want to be touched anymore.

I don’t really have any close friends, which in itself is a bit depressing, but it also means I don’t have anyone really to talk to about all this.

sushi!

I’m in a medium-distance relationship with my boyfriend I’ve been with for 3 years. Tonight, I have a concert that I’ve been looking forward to, and I really wanted him to come. I even offered to throw in money toward his flight ticket just to make it easier for him to visit. My friend who bought the ticket CANCELED last second. 

Today around noon (11:54 AM), we were texting. He was being hostile right off the bat he’s mad because he feels like a second option, texting me "Mfs don’t gotta be up when you up wth." When I casually pointed out that it was the middle of the afternoon, he completely snapped and texted: "It’s 11:54 and ts started a while ago you asshole. Fuck this shi. Can’t do shit right. Leave me alone tryna start problems off rip."

I didn't yell back or get aggressive. I literally just replied: "asshole? aight, bet."

Instead of realizing he was out of line, he doubled down and sent a barrage of texts: "Yes you are an asshole. For this convo and how you handling things. Yes 1 100%." Then he hit me with the passive-aggressive "have a fun day seriously, imma leave you alone, be safe" to try and ruin my day before my concert.

This is a recurring pattern in our relationship. He verbally insults me (he has told me to "STFU" in the past), blames his own moodiness on me, and then acts like the victim whenever I don't beg for his forgiveness. Then he’ll be sorry and repeat. 

I’m supposed to be getting ready for a fun night out for the concert, but I’m sitting here questioning my own sanity because he made me feel like I did something wrong.

Am I out of line for cutting the conversation short, or is this complete emotional manipulation?

I’ve known my partner for 6 years now and he’s never shaved in that time; he’s always rocked a full comfy beard and stash, only trimming every week or so.

I remember (early on) when I discovered the shape of his upper lip because he accidentally trimmed his mustache too short, and I was somehow shocked to discover he had such a cute upper lip

I don’t think about it that often but I truly can’t imagine his face without 50%+ of it covered in hair, kinda spooks me sometimes when I do think about it (but not in any serious way, I love the man, probably still if he’d have no face at all)

(Sometimes I really wanna use an image generator to find out what his face looks like under there but it feels highly invasive and also fuck AI)

Dinner is butternut squash and feta cheese, I think I’ll blend it for a sauce or a soup

Dinner is two burnt cheese pies with mayo

Guys idk what happened at work today. But i hv an internship for two months at this place and i have had a crush on one of the workers since day1. I thought he might’ve likee me too but we never really interact because we work in different branches we only see each other here and there. Today he saw me and struck up a conversation about a learning opportunity that i could use since im an intern and i said yes ofc thank you and he said lmk if you have any questions. So later in the day i saw he was alone and wanted to talk to him so i asked him oh how long you have been working here and where you from and he also asked me these questions and when i was about to walk away he asked where you from although he already knows because i talked about it infront of him before where he was just staring at me… maybe he wasn’t listening that day. But the weirdest thing happens…. Two senior coworkers stand in the corner and start making jokes and laugh as him and I are having the conversation. And i am also smiling and laughing because i am awkward i laugh at everything. So i asked them why are you guys laughing and they said about a car….. obviously lying. Then i walk back to my station and i give them a side eye jokingly. Then they come to my station and tell me X is a good guy💀 then ask me if im working tomorrow, then ask me if X is working tomorrow…. And i say huh idk why are u asking me. Then i leave to do something and i come back to see them write in my notebook… they drew a heart w X’s name in it💀💀💀💀 SOOOO CHILDISH keep in mind these are grown men guys. I asked them while laughing what is wrong with them and if they are okay and that this is so weird. Then conversation shifted and i ended up saying dw i will put all of your names in hearts…. To make it normal. Then one of them goes up to X and i hear him say “hey X how are you, you’re socializing today.” 🥲🥲 guys idk what to make of this whole situation. I have never said anything about my crush towards this guy and I know for a fact I have never showed any signs of interest other than us saying hi and bye to each other… i am usually very lowkey when i like someone because i get embarrassed. This is the first time i actually tried talking to someone whom im interested in first is that makes sense. And hes kinda new too so i feel bad for him they made it weird. But can someone dissect this situation for me its making me overthink so much.

Oh btw sometimes i leave my computer open with chatgpt open for work and i have talked about this crush to chatgpt because i am just a girl and idk why now im thinking they mightve gone thru my chat… which is a little of a reach…. Because there is no way they would invade my privacy like that…. Specially there’s other people in the room.

TL;DR: I have a crush on a coworker but have never told anyone or shown any obvious interest. Today, I initiated a conversation with him for the first time, and two senior coworkers started laughing and teasing us. They later told me he was a good guy, asked about both our schedules, and even drew a heart with his name in my notebook. One of them also teased him about “socializing today.” Now I'm wondering if they noticed something between us, know something I don't, or were just messing around.

Not dinner but pancakes I made with my activity worker
I’m currently in the Mental health unit after a break up with my ex
And I’m really not coping

To begin with
They were charming and quirky, autistic and just generally awkward and quiet but he had his charm. We moved quickly (27f and 27FTM)
And moved in together and got engaged fairly early on (1-2months in?) they were also super emotional, if they thought they had hurt me they would cry so I support them, or if I brought him toast etc late a night again the tears would form almost as if he was saying “I can’t believe I found someone”

I have got quite a history with mental health, and would from time to time get severely overwhelmed causing me to dissociate and typically bite myself to calm down (autism, cptsd and BPD) he would willingly offer his hand as somewhere I could gently bite down if things got too much (so I wouldn’t hurt myself). Despite my anxiety over it he was assuring that it was ok to do.
Sometimes I would be so distressed and accidentally catch his arm. Which sometimes left a bruise but never intentional and He was actually understanding about it
would always calm me down one way or another if I was in distress. Though never gave me space to self regulate

He also would be more then willing to be my carer and said from the get go he wanted to do this, typically the way I operate is if I need say a drink I tell myself out loud so it registers and I get up to get one - He would typically just shoot up to get it before I could - I did express numerous times that I wanted to be independent in that department and he would just do it anyway (the drink is an example there were other things to this) cooking food was another example of this, I’d want to cook but he would just do it anyway type of thing.

He also got quite concerned and uncomfortable and me talkinf to certain friends to the point I had to cut them off to make his anxiety and panic attacks less worse.

Just before the breakup we felt stable enough to have a 3way - it ended badly I was pushed out he never bothered to make sure I was ok just focused on the other person.

We argued that night and nearly broke it off there and then.
However we did reconcile and he opened up to his mistakes maturely and we decided to use our anniversary getaway (4 days) to heal and focus on eachother things looked up the relationship was anew and we both said we can make this work! Despite still having some flashbacks we decided that I needed more support so once back home we would get it.

We saw his family during the day of the breakup he was colder than normal, texting constantly (now ik to his friend) but was still saying I love you and imo I genuinely thought he was tired. We was also spending that day talking about the pair of us moving closer to his family.
We get back home and he dumps me no explanation. Packs his bags and some of his stuff and goes back to his family’s

After my admission I find out that 3 days later after the breakup
he’s claiming to his friends (and maybe his family) that I was abusive and we would always see his parents with him covered in heavy bruises (light bruises sure but never heavy) and I always had an excuse for it, a door etc or falling over. I always had been transparent with his parents about where they came from. And majority of the time was either during sex or a mental health blip.

Somehow the police have gotten involved I’m assuming he contacted them? But the general advice is to block and move on, and they will make arrangements to collect the rest of his belongings.

While telling his friends that I’m withholding his stuff so he reaches out?? I’m stuck in a mental hospital. But ok.

He’s also claiming he was a slave for a year, despite actively saying he was comfortable being my carer. some days were better then others

I’ve been in contact with his ex as well, and it’s clear he spun similar stories about that ex too. And I’ve also seen screenshots with claims on how abusive his mother was, but from my experience of his mother she was great, firm but fair. And he would always run to her for help. She treated me amazingly and understood my mental health and his. A completely different experience than what he told his ex.

I’m just a little shocked by everything he is saying and it’s heavily making me question the entire situation and if the relationship was genuine or just a stage show for him, as I’m sorry but someone who was genuine with a relationship would not spin lies about abuse and thick heavy bruises when there was none.

I’ve also struggled massively with my BPD and CPTSD questioning numerous times if I was abusive etc my friends have assured me that they don’t think that’s the case but I’m not sure. I’m scared I am. But I never intentionally hurt him, in any aspect. I wasn’t gaining anything 90% of the time I was scared from my own trauma.

I’m also sat here 3 weeks later desperately missing him, and wondering if in any shape or form this is all a misunderstanding, and maybe we can heal from this? But I’m also scared to see him again. And I’m worried that he is going to reach out. He will have to or the police will have to again surely as his stuff is still at mine

Fancy dinner tart.

Edit- the game console is a Nintendo switch 2. It’s a handheld that can be converted to use on the tv. Also we cannot swap the tvs. There’s a nook in the game room that can facilitate a 55 inch tv and the one downstairs is 65.

Edit- I showed him this thread after talking about it more as someone suggested. He said I’m skewing the scenario and that he barely uses the game room anymore. 🤷‍♀️ Idk how I’m skewing it this is literally what happened/my intentions.

We live in a three story row home. It’s just the two of us. Four bedrooms. One is his office, the other a guest room, our room and then another room we use as the tv/game room. For reference the tv/game room is somewhat connected to our bedroom but is it’s own entity entirely and can be completely closed off. I don’t ever go in his office. And I don’t use the tv/game room really but if he’s playing something I can see it from the bedroom through the door.
So a month or so ago I decided to reorganize the first floor living room to facilitate another tv. Bigger than the one in the tv room by like 10 inches or so (this matters)
I ended up having to realllllly change everything. I thought I could just get it mounted but being in a row home our walls couldn’t handle it. This meant reorienting the dining room and living room completely, buying new furniture etc. We never used the first floor because it was mostly our dining room table and a big couch/some chairs. Fast forward to now and I finally have the space just how I want it. The biggest reason I wanted to do this was so I had a space that felt like my hang out area that wasn’t just the kitchen. I cook a lot. I have to because of dietary restrictions so we eat like 75-80% of our meals at home. I cook 100% of them so it can take a fair amount of time and having somewhere to sit and watch tv while things are on the stove felt nice. We put a tv in the kitchen at some point but it literally got greasy lol.

So here’s my rant. Over the past week my husband brought one of his game consoles down to the living room and has been playing video games in there. He likes the bigger tv. I didn’t mind at first because it started out as us playing Mario cart a few times. And I don’t mind the game console being down there IF it’s not always being used. However now I’m not even really playing and he’s started playing other single player games.

I kinda snapped tonight after three hours of (solo)gaming because I thought it was abundantly clear that this was the tv zone. A space where I could watch what I want or at least something WE wanted. He did at some point say let me know if you want to watch something. Kinda quickly as an afterthought. But that’s not the point here and I hope you all understand that. The point is that I explicitly made this a zone for me. An area that wasn’t being used at all. And he already has two.

To make matters worse he brushed it off and said it wasn’t a big deal. But that I was making it a big deal. To me it seems like something much deeper. To be honest though he’s the type to apologize quickly and want to move on. After I expressed my frustration more he said “so what?” in a tone insinuating again that it wasn’t a big deal at all.

I don’t know what else to say other than this is a small rant. I know there are so many bigger issues out there. So please don’t judge or compare me to those scenarios. I love my husband and this was a frustrating experience. One of the things I like about cooking all of our meals is my peace and solitude. And now he’s in the next room yelling at the tv instead of upstairs.

Me and my mom had a really rocky relationship all throughout high school. I’m 23 now and have recently moved back home and it’s been hard for a whole host of reasons but one is I’ve noticed my mom has not forgiven me for being a teenager.

In high school I was a good kid (a million extracurriculars, self sufficient, made my own money, 4.0, got into a top 10 college) but I had a mouth on me. Looking back I have said some things I regret and I had attitudes I am ashamed of/cringe at now. I used to blow up at her and be so angry. I remember even slamming dishes around just WISHING she would say something so I’d have an excuse to yell at her. I have apologized for some of these moments as an adult. My mom says she understands, but she doesn’t feel comfortable enough trying to have a close relationship with me. We don’t really talk and when we do she never fails to bring up how horrible I was as a teenager.

I’m not trying to avoid accountability, but my mom also wasn’t the greatest mom to me in my opinion. I think she genuinely tried and did a lot of things right but she also parentified me: I took care of the whole house, I was the one cooking dinner, I was the one helping my alcoholic father, I was her therapist whenever she would talk about how she wanted to cheat on my dad, she would even show me the guys that she wanted to be with and ask my opinion, when my brother was very mentally ill she basically handed that responsibility off to me to take care of him , etc. I remember being like eight years old and she would wake me up out of my sleep and sit me in the middle of a screaming match between my brother and my dad and she would tell me to mediate the conversation. Whenever I would try to talk about these things with my mom growing up (or even now) she tells me, and everyone else in our circle, that I’m being dramatic, that I’m making it up, or she doesn’t remember. I feel like I can’t really talk about my relationship with my mom to my siblings or other family members because they didn’t really get the version of her that I got, or they know that it’s true, but they don’t feel comfortable enough acknowledging it so they shut down the conversation. It makes me feel like I’m some huge asshole.

I don’t know. Now that I’m living back at home it feels very weird and I just want to escape, but I’m here to save money to move out. Sometimes I think I want a better relationship with my mom. I know she’s entitled to feel the way that she’s feeling, but it does bother me that I’ve been able to forgive her for the mean things she’s said and done to me when I was the child in the situation. I know it’s toxic to compare, but if I’m being honest sometimes when she’s telling me about how horrible she felt like I was I can’t help but think “aren’t you the same person that said xyz to me?” I hate feeling defensive when someone is acknowledging their feelings but I don’t feel like she’s acknowledged her role in WHY I was so angry either. Especially since I was the only one in the family who really handled everything by myself, I got myself into college with nobody’s help, which is a big deal because in my community people don’t even really graduate high school.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t like how this family views me. My mom has grown in a lot of ways, as have I, but a lot of times talking to her and hearing her constantly bring up arguments we used to have just makes me feel like an angry teenager all over again. I don’t know what it’s like to be a mom and be on the receiving end of things so I don’t know how much of her behavior is truly a reflection of how terrible I was or a level of avoidance on her end. It makes me feel crazy.

sausage and egg quesadilla

Gave my friend my hard drive to use so he could access a file I had saved on there during one of our tech classes. I had to run to catch my train so I forgot to ask him for the hard drive back and halfway into my commute I realized I couldn’t find my hard drive and panicked. I quickly texted him if he was still there and I would come to pick my hard drive up. He texts back saying he left class too and that he’s pretty sure he gave the hard drive back (he didn’t which is why I am asking). Then he changed his story to say that he put it on the table before leaving. I ask my boyfriend who happened go there a few hours later to check if it’s on the table and bf texts back that he didn’t find it in class.

I try to calm myself down and hope that my classmate left it in his locker but flash forward to the next morning and it’s no where to be found. I even asked him to check his bag and house and it’s not there. When I confronted him in person, he was so nonchalant, like he doesn’t even bother to help find it.

So not only did I lose my brand new $50 hard drive but I also lost ALL of my past work, is this the outcome I get for being nice? At the end of the day I’m not that concerned about the hard drive itself, I’m mad that I lost all my work when I trusted someone with it.

And worst of all, this person doesn’t even care that he lost it, the least you can do is offer to buy another one or ATLEAST SAY SORRY. I don’t know what to do anymore, it had very important and private documents on it.

(Edit: For my peace of mind what are the possibilities of me finding the hard drive?)

Dinner is Ramen and Chicken Nuggets

The man I’m into (a close guy friend of mine) always says we should run away together somewhere far where no one else is. Or he would give me a rock for us to match and keep. He tells me we’re just friends for sure but I always read that as something romantic. He usually says this when a guy shows interest in me or when we’re both stressed. Am I wrong for thinking it was romantic?

Eating like a rat because I have no time for big meals.

We're 21 entering medical school. I love him and he is genuinely perfect, but comes from a less privileged background and wants t finish residency and start making money before we think of getting married- so he doesn't think we should get married before we're 30.

We come from somewhere where cohabitation before marriage is usually out of question, and I don't think I wanna do that either.

I feel like it's a lot to spend my 20s with a man I'm gonna stay in a 10 year relationship with. I want two or three kids, and I told him we could get married during residency and wait for kids after, but honestly it doesn't look like he thinks it's responsible.

My mother says we might just not be compatible if he's not willing to compromise in the future. A woman waiting for a decade usually doesn't end well.

Opinion?

I have diagnosed anxiety, depression, and ocd. I have a boyfriend who I care for a lot and who cares for me as well. We have been dating for less than a year, but have faced many obstacles together already. Despite our connection, I can’t help but get an overwhelming fear of anxiety when I think about him, and worry so much about him hiding things from me or betraying me. I know rOCD and anxiety cause me to think this way, but I can’t help but wonder if all the advice about trusting your gut and paying attention to how you’re feeling in a relationship holds any weight in this scenario.

Has anyone else been in a relationship with similar feelings or diagnoses and if so, how did things go?

Dinner: Birthday Cake 🎂

Its been a hard year but I have made it around the sun again✨️. Love you all💗.

I forgot to eat today and then I ended up getting super dizzy and passed out for a bit and my professor made me lay down in front of everybody. And now my head hurts a lot and I feel really tired.

I know it's not a big deal and wasn't traumatic or anything but I would like to wallow in my embarrassment for a bit.

I turn 30 very soon, and idk I felt like I'd have my shit together more than this by now. I had to move back in with my parents because my landlord kicked me out, my girlfriend is moving to another country, my job is making people redundant so I'm worried I'll be next, I wanna exercise more but can't even do one pressup, I've been meaning to go to CODA for months but never got around to it, my PhD is stressful, I wanna go vegan but it's too hard, and in my brain I'm basically an overgrown teenager or maybe early twenties. I can no longer hide behind being "technically an adult" now, I have to be actually an adult but shit's hard and I have no idea what I'm doing. I know it's just an arbitrary line or whatever but it feels like if I don't get my shit together by 30 I never will. I'm not old, but I'm not exactly young anymore. There are so many things I should've done by now but couldn't because money or stress or bad stuff I went through and idk I'm still a mess and it's starting to feel like I always will be.

Food is from thanksgiving (Canada)

So I’ve(28f) had a crush at a guy (28m) at work, two of my work besties knew and kept it a secret.
I’ve had like three dreams about him ( yes those times of dreams). Here’s why I think he likes me: We had a opening together at work, so I hinted that I had a dream about him ( the conversation went there don’t know how) and he was so interested in the type of dream so I hinted it was that kind of dream.
He messaged me and wanted to know more, so we started talking and he was saying that he’s had those types of dreams about me too and he kinda wants me to have more. At work we act like we don’t have those conversations but he’s always wants me to stay and talk to him in his office. I’m just confused because we don’t talk often outside of work, he hasn’t asked me on a date and anytime he ask what I’m doing for the weekend and I invite him to join me he says no. One day I was going to a fair after work and he asked what I was doing after work, I told him, said you want to come, he said he’s was getting a haircut. So things like that confused me cause you want me to tell you about my dreams about you, I always catch you staring at me but you don’t want to hang out after work.
I also found out my work bestie had/has a crush on him too but she doesn’t know that he’s dreaming about me and that we flirt sometimes when he messages me. An example: I was joking that I wanted to get a bbl and that no one at work would know and he said he’s would, I said how would you know he said he’s would know cause he knows my body ( like sirrrrr)
So I’m confused on if he likes me, just wants to smash or he’s bored??

i'm not sure where to start because it just feels like a lot and i've just recently realised that it's all so deeply wrong when i talked about it with my acquired grandma at dinner.

so, there's this guy who we're going to call who's in love with me. i do believe that his feelings are sincere and he's proven so in various occasions. nevertheless, i had made it clear since the very beginning that i wasn't interested in getting in a relationship at all, that i had no plan or any sort of romantic involvement with him. especially, because back then we discovered each other, and this was late may/early june, my ex boyfriend had broken up with me about a month prior completely. additionally, i wasn't and i'm still not attracted to him at all, if not as a friend at most.

regardless, he still fell for me, although i had kindly asked him not to (i know it isn't a fair request as one cannot command the heart, but... gosh, i really didn't want to deal with the consequences of it).

every time we organised so he could come to my city, each time it was almost time to say goodbye, he would say that there was something he wanted to tell him, but he didn't know how and it was always the same topic; how he feels conflicted because i give mixed signals, how he doesn't understand my behaviour towards his excessively affectionate gestures and such. and each time, with great discomfort, i would comfort him and try to explain myself politely while reaffirming cautiously that i wasn't, in fact, interested.

since the first time in june when we met in person, he would act as if he were my boyfriend, with all the handholding and affectionate touches and gestures (like getting me a bouquet of flowers i would like with a red rose in the middle!). i had told him politely to back off, but he didn't really listen as this would continue even in the following times we would see each other. same goes with via text with pet names and all.

it eventually reached a point where i would feel uncomfortable talking about some guy i liked, fearing how he would react. there was once where i told him about a travel plan i had with a guy i was quite into and he had this huge jealous outburst. at the time, i mentioned said trip as a potential event, yet to be confirmed. but he took it personally; he said that i didn't prioritise him, that i would choose the other when the time to only one came, that i wouldn't make it to his place (as he was planning a stay for me at his with a tour of his city, which is a very nice and popular one in our country.)

even now, if i'm to go out with some friends who happen to be male, if i have to mention it i usually avoid doing so. not because i genuinely think he would get upset, but i also don't want to “fuck around and find out”.

so, we met again the other day too. and you can guess what happened in the final hours he was here. by the time the conversation was over, my work shift had begun and i was a total wreck. that, plus the loss of a couple close people to me and problems with my mother as a daughter that wants independence and autonomy, was just a lot to handle. i cried, i was completely out of it and i'm still a bit unfocused at work sometimes.

when we had that conversation and he was telling me about how i seem to not care enough about him, how it's almost like i had advantage of his generosity, how i could live without him and all this extra attention but he can't, i was hurt and genuinely, genuinely tired. i was sick of it. i told him that the best thing to do, even if it hurt me too, was to cut all ties. of course, as it isn't the first time i've suggested so, he said no. i reopened the conversation last night and he couldn't believe how “easily” i was willing to let him go, without putting up a fight. he promised me that he would do better, he would act in the way he “should've been acting much earlier”, but i was having none of it, because there was nothing new under the sun.

grandma told me that this is basically psychological warfare and it's another form of violence. i do see the patterns. she suggested i cut him off gradually and progressively, instead of all at once, as one of my biggest concerns is that, if i do cut ties right away (or cutting off in general), he would do something drastic to himself.

i'd love some advice on how to handle this, encouragement, anything to not feel alone in this heavy situation. thank you for reading, really!

so sorry for typos and other mistakes. english is my first language with italian so i have no virtual excuse, if not that it's late, it's been a long day and i really, really wanted to get this off my chest and get more input on the matter.

anyway, leftover dinner. fries, wurstel, chicken nuggets and cheese sauce.

Dinner: Spinach and lentil daal

So I made another post here about my potential iron deficiency…basically had a much heavier and earlier then usual period last month with my 6 month old Mirena IUD and I got it checked out. The last couple of weeks I have been having minor shortness of breath, heavy racing heartbeat, and overall fatigue. Some days worse than others. I’ve noticed more hair shedding too. I attributed it to the weather changes and my lack of gym consistency these past four months. Anyways, after my IUD was confirmed to be fine, they recommended I do a Blood panel and to get my iron levels checked. After I told him my symptoms, my doctor ordered B12 and TSH as he was worried could be a thyroid issue. I got the results back yesterday and my ferritin is at 52 u/gl, which according to the report, is “probable” for iron deficiency if symptomatic (which I think I am, the definition for low is under 30 u/gl) but my doctor messaged me on the portal to say I’m not deficient or anemic, but to see him if I bleed again or if I still feel weak.

I booked an appointment to see him Wednesday, but I feel so frustrated to be told everything looks fine when it’s not in reality. I don’t know why that bugged me so much, as he’s been a good doctor.

I also got my period early again today, my last period only ended 17 days ago, so now I have to sit here and worry if my period will stay light or get really heavy again.

I’ve started to eat crap ton of iron-rich foods but I’m tired of feeling just slightly tired, it seems like I felt worse this week somehow. I feel no motivation to go hard in the gym like I wanted to, I tried last week and was so exhausted it took me really long to get through my typical workout, even with reduced weights. I’m just annoyed at everything, and I feel a bit guilty almost, as I know people who have worse issues than me aren’t complaining as much, but I needed to just vent a bit, I guess

Sorry for the long post fr. EDIT: I deleted a paragraph that was not very relevant

I'm 19. Sadly, I'm one year behind, and I'm graduating High School in June or July of this year. I think I'm genuinely a good student, I generally don't get low grades, I just have dyscalculia and there are things I simply can't do but that's not a problem anymore. My teachers know.

Let's say that I've been going through shit, but I didn't think it would influence my academic performance. I'm in therapy and I haven't had the chance to talk abt this because I had no idea it'd happen. I've been struggling with the lack of motivation to study, organize my notes and even just showing up to school. It got to a point where I'm wondering, did therapy make my attitude towards school worse? I used to think about NOTHING but school. Now that I feel better, I've been less disciplined. I feel like I can't do too many things at once, like I have to choose between school and my social life.

I'm not sure how to explain how I feel, and I was blaming it on the fact that I have no friends at school, hence why it's exhausting to sit there for 6 hours. But I haven't been organizing my notes, I havent had real study sessions, and I can never get any work started.. it's not that I "don't wanna do it"; I swear my brain automatically delays the task, because I dont feel READY to start it. Bc it feels overwhelming.

I've been blaming this on my perfectionism. I feel like I expect too much perfection, so I hesitate to start a project when I know it won't come out exactly how I want it to. I have a terrible study method where I repeat things out loud, which is normal, but I start over EVERYTIME I get a word wrong. I want concepts to be phrased exactly the way I imagined in my head, otherwise it feels wrong... and I've only now realized that it's an insane technique. But is that really the problem?

I was supposed to have a test on Monday, but we've had 4 days off school due to an illegal occupation and we haven't been updated by the principal. I'll be glad if we get an extra day off, but I've stressed SO MUCH over that test.

I'm sorry this post is messy. I've just been struggling with guilt, fear of being behind, fear of having terrible grades this year when every grade will count for my final exam's score. And I've also been struggling with attendance, I force myself to go to school but i HATE it.

I feel helpless, anxious, frustrated and stupid. I want to cry and give up

Garlic stuffed olives make me feel better about being terrible at painting straight even lines.

Edit: of course I forgot the picture on the first post