Dinner-chips, salsa, bean dip and a Mexican martini 🍸

https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/VBaeEfptVi -link to my original post. I got a lot of support here and would love to give an update.
A few weeks ago, I was asked to testify in court against my childhood abuser from 26 years ago. After only getting probation for his disgusting crimes against me, he was left free in this world to reoffend and hurt other children. There were 6 victims that got up to testify. 6 known victims. Both boys and girls. I am proud to say we got a guilty verdict. The jury used less than one minute for deliberations and came back with a unanimous guilty verdict. Life + 20. He will be eligible for parole in 30 years, but I can guarantee you we will fight to keep him in his box. He will no longer be hurting children. The justice system failed me as a little girl. Failed all of his victims by letting him walk free and reoffend. Not today though. Small town Texas stuck it to him and I couldn’t be more grateful. Here’s to hoping he gets everything he’s given while he is in Texas prison.

Photo is cathead biscuits and gravy

I have no evidence of disease!!!! Having ovarian cancer has been the scariest experience of my life and I’m beyond thankful every day I pulled through. I have to continue testing routinely but fingers crossed everything stays on right path.

There has been so much that’s happened in such a short period. In March, I had pain in my side that was diagnosed as a UTI. No big deal. Then everything went downhill. The pain got worse and worse. The third doctor I saw discovered a giant tumor that stretched across my ovaries and most of my abdomen. It weighed 18 pounds on its own!!!

I started chemo almost immediately after my surgery. Things went south again, and I was in a coma for 11 days. I had to relearn how to talk after getting a trach. I spent almost a month at a rehab hospital building up my strength to walk again. And I’m so goddamn proud of myself.

I would never say I’m happy I had cancer. However, this experience has given me such an appreciation for everything. I still have things to figure out. I need to determine a career path. My medical bills are next-level insane. I physically can’t do some of the things I used to.

But I’m home, on the mend, cuddled up with my cats. And that’s what really matters <3

My husband 34M and I 35F are celebrating our 10 year anniversary this weekend! 10 years and two kids (5 and 1yo) later I'm heavier than I was when we got married. I'm genuinely fine with it, and have worked hard to get here mentally. I recently finished breastfeeding and I'm ready to refocus on myself. Life is good.

At the same time, my husband had a back surgery last year and has been focused on his health. He's on a glp1, working out regularly, eating the same chicken breast everyday and feeling himself, feeling strong.

He was heading out to take our oldest to the park and gave me a kiss. Feeling romantic, he picked me up. I don't love being picked up because physics. Before my feet were a few inches off the floor he let out a grunt and hollered out "FUCK'.

My soul left my body. I was still in the air. I pushed myself out of his arms and ran from the master bath to my bed to literally hide under the covers.

He immediately realized and ran after me hugging and apologizing. "No,no, no it was my calf, not you. It cramped. I love you, I love you!"

Cognitively I know his calf was super tight, we had a couples massage yesterday and he asked her to work on it. But spiritually, I have to recover from this embarrassment.

Meal is an apple pie créme brulee we had for our anniversary dinner. Thanks for laughing with me

matched with this guy and he asked me out on a date so we agreed on a location which is a very popular food area after work but not the exact place we were gonna go.

when we got there he suggested this takeout bento place, i don’t like getting takeout for a first date so i said i always love going to this other restaurant (not too expensive like around $30) and he said more reason to try something new. i was like well i have tried the place he suggested before (and i genuinely wouldn’t go again, the food was not very good) but he didn’t get the hint and i didn’t want to push it so i was like ok fine whatever.

at the bento place it is a like pick your food, pay, and sit at the sitting area kinda situation. because i don’t really like the food there i was taking a few minutes to choose what i wanted to get. after a bit i was like oh let me ask my date what he’s getting. then i look around and he’s nowhere to be found, until i saw that he was already at the counter paying for his food? and without telling me at all he went to find a table to sit down.

okay so first of all i do think the man should pay for dates. i don’t do 50/50, and for context this guy works in finance so he’s not broke and the bentos were like $10. that being said, i wouldn’t walk out on a date just because of this because i know it’s really rude (it just means no 2nd date).

however, even with a platonic friend where we are splitting, i would not go pay and sit down without waiting for my friend to finish picking their food or at least i would inform them first so they are not confused as to where i am.

i was really baffled by the lack of basic manners of this guy. so i weighed my options: i could spend my money on this mid bento box that i wouldn’t enjoy with this guy what doesn’t have any courtesy OR i could go eat the food i wanted to eat in the first place and have a better time.

tbh i feel like i should’ve just left without telling him like he went to pay without telling me but i do have manners so i told him i don’t think that we are a good match and left to go get barbecue. it was a lot better than the bento! i also felt very empowered to know that if a date isn’t going well i can just leave as i have definitely stayed on dates for too long as i felt pressured to be nice and polite.

bbq i had instead of the bento!

I need to get this out somewhere. I have been having "men" that I dated or had something with in my past coming into my DMs. One in particular JUST got out of inpatient for alcohol and now wants to date me. We were friends for 6 years and he had time prior to this point. However, he has been in my DMs more and more with "updates" and then last night he wanted to try dating. He has been more insistent when I got into shape then more so now that I have a house and going to law school. I told him I do not want to date someone who just got out of inpatient for alcohol abuse, and he tried to flip the script on me and play this poor me narrative. I didn't engage. That is one of them, but there are numerous men in my DMs. This is a letter to these mothertruckers.

Dear men,

Once I got into shape, you seem to be in my inbox. We may have dated or slept together years ago, and I may have given you so many chances like a moron. I thought I had to do these things in order for you to like me.

I am no longer that low self esteem girl. I have put up with DV, lies, cheating, etc and for what? Nothing. I have so much regret for every single one of you that I dated or slept with. None of the relationships were worth it or enjoyable. Not one.

I have a house, a car, a career, I am halfway through my first year of law school. I have no debt. My stuff is together, on my own... without you.

I don't need you, a BOMB to blow it up. Leave me and my dog alone. I am not the stupid low self esteem girl anymore.

**Biscottis that I ate in my car with a latte and watched the sunset**

After five years in the closet I just hit one year on hormones and had a party to celebrate!

About a year ago I started HRT and started slowly coming out to people. I thought everyone was gonna be weirded out by me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong! I’ve got nothing but support!

So I never have birthday parties cause I never really had them as a kid, but I was like this deserves a party! I invited over like fifteen people, all friends who I’m out too and cooked for them in my little one bedroom apartment. We made Cubanos and fries and I spent the last two days marinating the pork shoulder in two different marinades and then slow cooking it for four hours. The food came out fantastic!

The entire night people were coming up and congratulating me and complimenting my hair and telling me my shorts were cute and other stuff you say to girls. Everyone used my right name and right pronouns. One of my best friends actually set a date where she’s gonna do my hair and makeup and doll me up just for the fun of it! 

After so many years of repression and depression, it feels so freeing to finally be me and to finally be happy. 

The future may be uncertain, but for the first time in a longtime I have hope!

AND I GET TO LIVE AS A GIRL!!!!!

Food is Cubano sandwiches with recipe courtesy of binging with Babbish. 

Fries are twice fried duck fat fries with recipe courtesy of Roy Choi

Dinner (last night) was an andouille jambalaya themed orzo pasta dish I made for us that came out probably too spicy for him and I feel really bad about that.

Earlier this month it was his birthday. I got him a 100 dollar custom painting, and he apparently really loves it. He seemed genuinely touched by the gift, hung it up in a central place immediately and has mentioned multiple times since then that he really likes it. Earlier this week he told me he had already bought my bday gift, which shocked me cause mine isn't until December.

Last night I went to bed first and on default made his bed before I got into it cause that's a habit I have at home. Under the sheets I found my gift. It is a piece of hardware that he saw me looking at and being in awe about in August. He even got the specific design and color I wanted, which actually makes it more expensive than the standard. This gift is 350 fucking dollars.

I held it in my hand. Everything about it dawned on me. I cried. Re-hid it in a similar place (he'll often forget where he leaves things so I don't think it'll make him suspicious that it's been moved). Now I've spent this whole next day thinking about it and totally freaking out.

We are not in a longterm relationship, this is both our first birthdays spent in a relationship with each other. In my previous relationship, gifts were hard. I would always get him something I felt like was unique and heartfelt and he wasn't expecting. He would always wait til the last minute and ask me straight up what I wanted, and if I couldn't give a straight answer (it's very difficult for me to ask for things outright) he'd get upset. One year I asked for a book for my birthday, he forgot to get it, and didn't get it for me at all until the following June.

This gift from my boyfriend means he remembered a single event, a single item, a single day from over a month ago. He remembered how cool I thought it was. He chose the specific style I wanted even though it makes the price rise an extra 100 bucks. He got it for me as soon as it came off pre-order even if that means he has to keep it hidden for the next two months.

I keep thinking about it and crying. I know it's just cause of my shitty relationship history but I feel so undeserving. I'm such a mix of happiness and confusing sadness right now and I don't know which to focus on. If he stays with me up to my birthday and gives it to me I know I'll have no issue conjuring tears again.

Just banana peppers. My ranch was out of date.

TW for brain surgery, I think. It gave me a warning so I wanted to tag it just in case.

Today makes a month since I got brain surgery. I had a VP shunt installed to drain a cyst that we found this summer. I wish I had been given more information and choices regarding my health. All they did was tell me I needed surgery, and then scheduled it.

The day after surgery they sent me home while I was violently ill, and for the next three weeks I could not sit or stand up without throwing up. I’ve spent most days since then laying in bed doing nothing, because I’m so discouraged and feel like crap. At my post-op appointment, they adjusted my shunt since it was over-draining and even though my nausea is gone, I have a horrible headache. It feels like somebody hit me with a baseball bat (which has happened before, so I know I’m not exaggerating).

I wasn’t able to enjoy my birthday, because it fell right in the middle of me being so sick. I spent more time at my birthday dinner in the bathroom than I did at the table with my friends. My best friend actually purposely didn’t tell me happy birthday, nor did she check in on me before, after, or during my surgery. I tried to tell her how it made me feel but she left me on read. We’re no longer friends. I miss her so much even though I know I shouldn’t.

I came to the realization a couple days ago that I would no longer be able to ride roller coasters. It seems silly if you’re not me, but I love roller coasters and want to spend my career working marketing for some kind of amusement park. I am supposed to graduate with my marketing degree in two months and planned on enrolling in the Disney College Program for next fall to get my foot in the door. Not only am I a month behind on college assignments and have fears about actually being able to graduate, but now I also feel like I can’t do what I want anymore. I don’t see the point in spending my life working somewhere I can’t enjoy. It’s genuinely heartbreaking to me and I’m feeling so lost.

I wish I could go back in time to a month ago and tell myself not to get this stupid surgery. I feel like I’m worse off with it. I know it’s only been a month and that something as serious as brain surgery will take a while to fully recover from, but I’m in so much more pain than I was before. I miss my normal life.

Well... the title pretty much says it. A week after my last post I visited my boyfriend (couldn't go sooner) to talk. He was dumbfunded, completely struck out of the blue (guess the "men ignore any problem their partner addresses until it's to late and then they don't understand why it ended 'so suddenly' " stereotype is true in this case). I told him things needed to change, that he needs to seek help and restrict his obsession to a healthy (or at least much healthier than now) degree. That I could walk this path with him, but that he needed to initiate the change.
I explicitely didn't make it about AI, but the morbid obsession he developed and how he puts everything he has into it, but ignores all of his surroundings, including me.

He seemed to understand and we agreed on having a little break for both of us to think and that he would meet me at my place (so he doesn't have the internal pressure to work on his project, my idea) and we would talk things through, the changes he wants to make etc.

After two weeks, tonight he came over and at first I thought he had understood what I told him, because he said he wants to focus more on me and give me the attention I deserve. But when I asked specifics, his so called "plan" was that visitations would from now on be at my place and that he wouldn't talk to me about the topic so as not to burden me with it. Sounds great, right? Yeah, everything but the tiny little detail that otherwise he wanted to change NOTHING. So he will continue to crash himself, his health, but I can ignore it and just be happy, yay (my words, not his to be fair...).
At this point it was clear to me that he still doesn't get the point. As if I wouldn't notice his fatigue, his sleep deprivation etc. if he just keeps quiet about it. Besides, does he really think of me as such a self centered person, that I wouldn't care as long as he was kind and focused on me?
His health matters to me. HE matters to me! 😞 If I didn't care, I would have just ended the relationship months ago. Why bother? Because I fucking love him 😭

For nearly half an hour we went back and forth about it, but it became clear that he didn't want to change his lifestyle at all, just how he handles me. I'll spare you the rest because it was exhausting and my energy is almost gone. (If you want to ask questions, you're welcome to do so in the comments and if I have the energy tomorrow, I'll try to answer you 🫶)

So.... we split up 😔 I hate it so much, but in the end, "love alone isn't always enough" is true. I can't go on breaking myself to keep us working. I need to take care of myself (the hardest thing for me to do, yay 😐). And as much as he doesn't want to hurt me, apparently he isn't able or willing to change things. Fml....💔

[Dinner is store bought Chicken Tikka Masala. I know... I just wanted to have something here that only requires a microwave in case of... well, this very scenario I dreaded so much]

I’ve known my partner for 6 years now and he’s never shaved in that time; he’s always rocked a full comfy beard and stash, only trimming every week or so.

I remember (early on) when I discovered the shape of his upper lip because he accidentally trimmed his mustache too short, and I was somehow shocked to discover he had such a cute upper lip

I don’t think about it that often but I truly can’t imagine his face without 50%+ of it covered in hair, kinda spooks me sometimes when I do think about it (but not in any serious way, I love the man, probably still if he’d have no face at all)

(Sometimes I really wanna use an image generator to find out what his face looks like under there but it feels highly invasive and also fuck AI)

Dinner is butternut squash and feta cheese, I think I’ll blend it for a sauce or a soup

Matched with a guy on a dating app in the morning. We had really good chemistry chatting and sending voice notes throughout the day and my evening was open, so I decided to say screw it see if he wants to get drinks that night. We agree to meet at 7PM at an Irish pub near the center of town.

I arrived at 6:45PM and managed to snag a table, order myself a pint.

At 7:15PM he texts me saying he's on his way and should be there in the next 20 minutes. I say I'm going to order food because I was super hungry and he says he already ate dinner anyway, so go for it.

At 7:45PM, I get a text message from him saying that he actually ended up going to a super shitty dive bar that was on the outside of town because he wasn't able to find parking at the pub. I'd warned him ahead of him that parking may be difficult but he assured me that it wouldn't be an issue.

I responded "Then you won't be meeting me. :)" since at this point, I was now a pint and a half of Guinness and a really awesome Cuban sandwich down. Finished my beer, closed my tab, and made my way to my car.

About ten minutes after I leave, I get a message from him saying that he found parking and he'll be inside soon. I'd told him already that I left so that surprised me. THEN he offered to pay me back for my meal/drinks if I give him a second chance. By then it was already 8:15PM and I was just done.

I really cannot fathom how he expected that to go??? Just switching where we meet up at the last second after already being 45 minutes late AND on the first date??? I feel like I honestly avoided something potentially spookier. It was just W E I R D. I figure I just ended up having a solid self-date evening after a day of adventuring. I wasn't mad just... confused?

Food is a porter and pepperoni pizza from a dope ass brewery in WA.

Decided to ask the guy I had a huge crush out by texting him "I tried asking you in person but I was on the verge of a heart attack so I had to ask you here. Do you want to go out with me?" LMAOO.

He responded "Come on that's a bit dramatic with the "on the verge of a heart attack" 😅. So, first of all thank you for the invitation but I will have to decline because at this moment I'm somewhere else (doesn't translate exactly into English). I consider it more right towards you and the other girl. Thank you thoughh😊"

I replied to his text calling me dramatic with "Sorry I haven't tried this before and I was worried I would embarrass myself in front of you again😂" and to the next ones "All good, I understand 😊 thank you for the honesty and politeness. See you and sorry if I brought you into an uncomfortable position ".

He replied "Hahhahah,there is no need" to the first one and added "Goodnight to you".

I thought that I would be more nonchalant about this since I didn't even expect him to reply or to reply something polite lol (or that's what I was telling myself🥲). I ended up crying even though he was so kind and respectful 😭. I felt sad not only about the rejection itself but because he proved that he was indeed a genuinely good guy and it wasn't my crush making him seem better than he is. I wished he would be a jerk to me so I could move on quickly lol. What hurts the most is that I will never see him again after a few days since my work there ends.

Naturally I was overthinking his reply and I wanted to discuss it with anyone🥲 or just in general feel free to share your thoughts

My dad died several days ago and not one of my friends or spouse’s family members reached out. My spouse texted his family and our friends the news and they said that they were sorry (to him) but no one reached out to me directly. Is this normal? I am really sad and thinking of taking a step back from my so called friends and family members. I am overreacting?

Hungry college gal special: pb&h sandwich, fruit leather, beef jerky thing, goodies Mac n cheese, and electrolyte water

Didn’t know where else to put this. I read these simple, short fanfics on TikTok to go to sleep sometimes(mild insomnia problems). Last night’s happened to be a text style fanfic for Call of Duty(I don’t even play it because I’m bad at shooters, though I do watch gameplay because I love me some story) and wasn’t necessarily completely out of context but not canon accurate either. Anyways I passed out with my phone in hand and must’ve rolled over my phone in my sleep or something because I accidentally messaged it to the creator of an upcoming indie game that is completely and utterly unrelated. It’s a rock sorting game. It doesn’t even come out for another month, I’ve just been following their posts and playing the demo until then. They don’t even have 200 followers on TikTok. I didn’t see that I sent it until after I ate breakfast. I already messaged saying it was a sleep accident and to please ignore but uh… yea. I’m going to be embarrassed about this for some time me thinks. Never sleeping with my phone in hand again. Gonna go crawl into my bed and not come out for a bit

yesterday i drove my car for the first time in a year after traveling back across the country (i didn’t bring it with me to grad school since we had public transit everywhere).

i was driving to the DMV to update my tags and registration and i drove past a stopped school bus going the opposite direction. i only realized because somebody honked and i then noticed the stop arm in my rearview mirror but at that point i had passed and the damage was done.

i keep replaying that moment in my head — how could i not have seen the stop arm or flashing lights? even driving into the sun i should have noticed. there was a line of cars in the other lane facing the stopped bus (i still don’t understand why, but seeing it i just figured they were all parked because they were on the wrong side of the road). i was just staring ahead at my own lane.

i keep throwing up out of fear and guilt. i’ve been driving for six years with a clean record and my brain just didn’t react. it’s also making me feel so sick that i’m worrying about a coming class A citation when i should be completely focused on the fact that i could have hurt or killed a child.

i feel selfish, evil and not safe to be around. i’ve jeopardized my own future and the lives of others. the citation will be sent within 10 days if it was caught on camera, and i feel even more guilty for hoping it wasn’t because i deserve the punishment. sushi burrito for dinner that i later threw up.

I've been with my guy for a long time, and I love him to death, but lately I've been thinking about all the little things I've just learned to live with. I think the biggest one for me is always feeling like I'm the one who has to put in the effort to keep the romance alive. I'm the one suggesting date nights, planning things for us to do, initiating the deeper conversations. And don't get me wrong, my partner is great in so many ways, but sometimes I just want to feel like he is excited to spend time with me without having to ask. I miss feeling pursued, I guess?... The worst part is that I feel guilty even complaining about it because I know there are ppl dealing with far worse. My partner isn't a bad person, and I'm not unhappy in my relationship. I just sometimes wish I could feel that same effort coming back my way. :(

I‘m 21 and might have a bit more of a babyface. I get asked my age on dating apps a LOT, even though my age is as visible as anyone else’s. Whenever i say i‘m 21 as stated, they don’t believe me and try to find out my „real age.“

When i ask what age they thought i was when they swiped, they say 16 or 17. When i ask „oh so you were hoping to match with a minor?“ they suddenly turn quiet or i get blocked.

Please, lord, make me look older so i don’t have to deal with creeps anymore.

Also, georgian Manti are 10/10

I'm 17f and my sister 15f have a pretty rough relationship, just standard sibling rivalry but we fight a lot, or just don't talk at all. Today we were getting along and talking, and everybody (me, her, and our parents) were in the living room at the same time, and that is relatively rare.

And though I've always known this, it's hitting me harder today. There's a huge gap in how my parents treat both of us. While there are issues in their relationships with me, I never get such derision, dismissal and overall plain rude behaviour from them. At least not as often as my sister does. I have a temper and tend to yell at them or just give as good as I got. Not that my sister is a doormat, she has attitude issues too but she doesn't overtly retaliate in the same way and I never really understood how much of a difference it creates.

My father told her to shut up and listen (to our mother) when she was trying to express something, but I was literally backing her up and saying the exact same thing. And we both got extra portions of food that we didn't want and I just put my foot down and refused them, while my mother didn't take no for an answer from my sister.

I'm the gal who's mom broke up with her through email. After a period of no contact my mom has again emailed me to return to a well loved topic: how I ruined our relationship as mother and daughter when I was 10.

To directly quote her email: "I haven’t felt that you’ve been willing to see me as a separate person with my own story since you were about ten years old." This has gone on for some time. She's told me I've hated her since I was 10, I rejected her when I was 10, etc.

I feel very sad for her, that something traumatic likely happened at age 10 to her that she hasn't processed. Also it feels so incredibly wrong to apologize to her for my effect on our relationship as a 10 year old, which is what she's said she wants me to do.

My memories from age 10 are ​being in 4th grade, Mrs. Harmon as my teacher and thinking it's really cool she was a scuba diver. I really wanted bangs and enjoyed walking in the forest near our house. I've read my school journal from that time, I talk about my dog and books I liked. It's hard to remember something that little girl should be apologizing for.

Greek yogurt bowl with chia, flax cereal, granola, peanut butter, and goji berries

Bandeja Paisa from my fav lowkey Colombian spot.
I’m turning 25 early next year and I need to be real with myself. I’m self destructive, lazy, and sometimes careless. I was dumped last year and he gave me hsv. I haven’t had a stable job since I started working at 18. I spend all of my money on fast food, vodka, and vapes. Im currently an unemployed CNA and I want to become a nurse. I live with my dad and rely on him due to my financial instability. All I do anymore is scroll, drink, cry, and fuck up over and over again. I’m a terrible daughter/sister, friend, and gf. I isolate when things are hard, block everyone and delete all my socials, and push everyone away. I have life goals and I don’t even try to accomplish them. I gained over 60 pounds last year and lost around 20 this year (due to being sick from drinking). I like to blame my childhood, covid, and etc for why I’m like this but it’s just me. I destroy everything for myself and make my life harder. I have no close family or friends. I know that people have been through worse than me and find a way to a happy life, so what’s my excuse? My life is fucking sad and it’s mainly my fault. I can’t keep blaming my childhood on my adult choices. Life is getting so serious and I’m going to end up completely alone and with nothing if I don’t get this shit together. I keep saying that I want to do better so fuck it, I’m gonna do better. I will try. I will actually try this time.

Fancy dinner tart.

Edit- the game console is a Nintendo switch 2. It’s a handheld that can be converted to use on the tv. Also we cannot swap the tvs. There’s a nook in the game room that can facilitate a 55 inch tv and the one downstairs is 65.

Edit- I showed him this thread after talking about it more as someone suggested. He said I’m skewing the scenario and that he barely uses the game room anymore. 🤷‍♀️ Idk how I’m skewing it this is literally what happened/my intentions.

We live in a three story row home. It’s just the two of us. Four bedrooms. One is his office, the other a guest room, our room and then another room we use as the tv/game room. For reference the tv/game room is somewhat connected to our bedroom but is it’s own entity entirely and can be completely closed off. I don’t ever go in his office. And I don’t use the tv/game room really but if he’s playing something I can see it from the bedroom through the door.
So a month or so ago I decided to reorganize the first floor living room to facilitate another tv. Bigger than the one in the tv room by like 10 inches or so (this matters)
I ended up having to realllllly change everything. I thought I could just get it mounted but being in a row home our walls couldn’t handle it. This meant reorienting the dining room and living room completely, buying new furniture etc. We never used the first floor because it was mostly our dining room table and a big couch/some chairs. Fast forward to now and I finally have the space just how I want it. The biggest reason I wanted to do this was so I had a space that felt like my hang out area that wasn’t just the kitchen. I cook a lot. I have to because of dietary restrictions so we eat like 75-80% of our meals at home. I cook 100% of them so it can take a fair amount of time and having somewhere to sit and watch tv while things are on the stove felt nice. We put a tv in the kitchen at some point but it literally got greasy lol.

So here’s my rant. Over the past week my husband brought one of his game consoles down to the living room and has been playing video games in there. He likes the bigger tv. I didn’t mind at first because it started out as us playing Mario cart a few times. And I don’t mind the game console being down there IF it’s not always being used. However now I’m not even really playing and he’s started playing other single player games.

I kinda snapped tonight after three hours of (solo)gaming because I thought it was abundantly clear that this was the tv zone. A space where I could watch what I want or at least something WE wanted. He did at some point say let me know if you want to watch something. Kinda quickly as an afterthought. But that’s not the point here and I hope you all understand that. The point is that I explicitly made this a zone for me. An area that wasn’t being used at all. And he already has two.

To make matters worse he brushed it off and said it wasn’t a big deal. But that I was making it a big deal. To me it seems like something much deeper. To be honest though he’s the type to apologize quickly and want to move on. After I expressed my frustration more he said “so what?” in a tone insinuating again that it wasn’t a big deal at all.

I don’t know what else to say other than this is a small rant. I know there are so many bigger issues out there. So please don’t judge or compare me to those scenarios. I love my husband and this was a frustrating experience. One of the things I like about cooking all of our meals is my peace and solitude. And now he’s in the next room yelling at the tv instead of upstairs.

I’m 42F, husband is 47M. I can’t bring myself to do IVF, even though I’ve always dreamed of a family for myself. I don’t know if it’s the needles, the hormones, the procedures, the feeling of this isn’t right for me keeps coming up. I keep putting the needles in their packages next to my belly and I know I’m not going to be able to do this.

I met my husband later in life. Sometimes I think if we had met 10 years earlier, I could have had our family. The likelihood at my age of natural conception is low, but not impossible. This is the route we are going to “try” for instead. I have little hope. My husbands sperm has low motility.

I’m apprehensive about adoption. I have read all the forums around all of the issues with adoption, and how unethical it can be. We may explore being foster parents who are open to adoption, but first I need to explore my grief and process the unlikelihood of being able to grow a baby in my belly. I don’t need to bring a kiddo into these feelings of “instead of” having my own baby.

I’m sad. I think about what ifs. But that’s not life, is it? We all make different decisions and sometimes our dreams work out and sometimes they don’t. It’s all ok, it’s about putting one step in front of the other. If I had married anyone else from my past, it would have been a miserable life and/or divorce.

Thank you for being a forum to share, but do note I’m not looking for advice today.

Meal: avocado toast on whole wheat bread, pork sausage, and strawberries.