matched with this guy and he asked me out on a date so we agreed on a location which is a very popular food area after work but not the exact place we were gonna go.

when we got there he suggested this takeout bento place, i don’t like getting takeout for a first date so i said i always love going to this other restaurant (not too expensive like around $30) and he said more reason to try something new. i was like well i have tried the place he suggested before (and i genuinely wouldn’t go again, the food was not very good) but he didn’t get the hint and i didn’t want to push it so i was like ok fine whatever.

at the bento place it is a like pick your food, pay, and sit at the sitting area kinda situation. because i don’t really like the food there i was taking a few minutes to choose what i wanted to get. after a bit i was like oh let me ask my date what he’s getting. then i look around and he’s nowhere to be found, until i saw that he was already at the counter paying for his food? and without telling me at all he went to find a table to sit down.

okay so first of all i do think the man should pay for dates. i don’t do 50/50, and for context this guy works in finance so he’s not broke and the bentos were like $10. that being said, i wouldn’t walk out on a date just because of this because i know it’s really rude (it just means no 2nd date).

however, even with a platonic friend where we are splitting, i would not go pay and sit down without waiting for my friend to finish picking their food or at least i would inform them first so they are not confused as to where i am.

i was really baffled by the lack of basic manners of this guy. so i weighed my options: i could spend my money on this mid bento box that i wouldn’t enjoy with this guy what doesn’t have any courtesy OR i could go eat the food i wanted to eat in the first place and have a better time.

tbh i feel like i should’ve just left without telling him like he went to pay without telling me but i do have manners so i told him i don’t think that we are a good match and left to go get barbecue. it was a lot better than the bento! i also felt very empowered to know that if a date isn’t going well i can just leave as i have definitely stayed on dates for too long as i felt pressured to be nice and polite.

bbq i had instead of the bento!

pretzel cheesecake

my (20F) boyfriend (22M) is really into cars, like a lot. he has a 20 year old car that he’s been working on for over 2 years. our entire relationship, and a about a year before we met it’s been undriveable. the thing is, i don’t mind that he has an interest in cars, it’s just that i feel he prioritizes it over everything else.
he started renting a garage a few months ago, claiming it would be a bigger space for his clothing business. half of the space is taken up by his car and car parts.

one of the reasons it pisses me off is that he constantly complains that he has no money. half of his paycheck goes to rent for the garage every week. he lives at home with his parents, and i’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but he had plenty of space there to run his business. he consistently goes on long drives at night and buys gas nearly every three days, so that’s nearly 160 a week on gas. the rest of his money goes to bills, and the money he saves.. well it goes to buying expensive new parts for a car that hasn’t seen a road in over two years.

second reason it pisses me off is that he constantly complains that he has no time. i’m only able to see him on the weekends due to our schedules, and a lot of the time he’s late, or asks me to come to his garage while he works on his clothing business, or on his car (doing i don’t even know what) because “he never gets to” which is a complete lie. he goes to his shop every day after work, saying he needs to work on his clothing business or answer emails or calls or whatever, but there is no way that it takes him 7 hours daily to do those miscellaneous things, so i know he working on his car.

third, is that i have zero interest in cars at all. he always asks me to come to the garage in my spare time to either come help him or hang out while he works on his car. i know it sounds kinda stuck up but i hate getting my hands dirty. i don’t wanna lie on the ground that’s covered in drywall and dirt in my nice clothes i wear to see him. i absolutely hate it in there. the fluorescent lights give me migraines, and there’s nothing to do in there but sit on a grimy ripped up couch and watch tv on my phone.

that being said, i’ve tried seeing it from other points of view. i know his money is his own and he can do what he wants with it, but it seems so immature to me that he just doesn’t save his money at all. i’ve told him multiple times that im ready to move in together and start a new chapter with him in our relationship but it always comes back to him not being able to chip in any money for it. his free time is his own as well and he can do what he wants with it, but i feel like it’s taking a toll on me in our relationship. and im happy that he has a hobby that makes him happy and hes passionate about, but at this point i feel like it’s obsession. tonight he kept sending me reels about girls who help their boyfriends out in their car boyfriend’s shops and it made me feel guilty. i don’t know if im overreacting and i should just let him do his thing or this is something serious that will eventually tear me away from him.

edit because i feel it’s necessary - i have zero interest in building cars, not cars themselves. we go to some car shows together and i like looking at the cool pretty cars. i like it when he takes me on long late night drives to 24 hour diners and talking about whatever. it’s his prioritizing problem im having an issue with :(

edit two: this became a problem after he started renting his garage in august. we used to see each other a lot more. we do spend quality time with each other on saturdays, sundays is when he tries to drag me to his garage

Wedding meal: Chicken, Parmesan salad, and pumpkin ravioli (Wish I had gone back for seconds)!

To preface, I have been spiraling since my twin sister (both 29F) announced her engagement in Dec 2025. It's been on and off since then, but last Saturday was finally the big day. It was exhausting. I wish I were able to enjoy it more, but I just couldn't. If anything, it left me filled with more grief than happiness for my sister (and myself). Felt more like a funeral to me. And I feel guilty about it.

All I've been thinking about leading up to and after the wedding is the trauma I've endured in many facets of my life til now. My career, my friendships, my (non-existent) romantic relationships, my health, my finances, and so on and so forth.

These are just some of the things I've been spiraling about:

1.) My parents' divorce. My divorced parents were, of course, there, and seeing them together for this 1 event left a sour taste in my mouth. It's definitely not the 1st time I've seen them together in the same room, but seeing them together for a wedding felt surreal. There's just a lot of resentment and contempt I have for both of them, particularly my mom (who was physically and emotionally abusive towards my sister, brother, and I growing up). My dad couldn't do anything about it growing up bc he couldn't afford to raise us alone. We haven't cut her off entirely, but now as adults, we keep our boundaries set and have quietly quit her.

But I've realized that I still can't get over their divorce after 25 years. I was very young when they got divorced, but part of me still wishes that I had parents who still love each other and who can give me a good example of what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like. And when my sister announced her engagement, all I kept thinking was, "Oh no, this is a mistake" and "Please don't do this". I still haven't told her how I feel about her marriage, but I know I would just be projecting my own fears onto her. Seeing my parents fight all the time growing up, even when they were divorced, gave me a harsh reality about marriage and relationships in general. To this day, I can't stand to be around people who yell and scream at each other. I've pushed away this trauma for a really long time, but with my sister's engagement and wedding, it's triggered PTSD about this.

2.) I'm a 29-year-old virgin. Yes, you heard that right. I'm still a virgin at 29 and have never been in a romantic relationship. Went throughout high school and college without a boyfriend. And now, with my sister married, it feels like I'm falling behind and missing out. Even my introverted brother is dating someone from work (and he NEVER talks about his dating life with me)! I refuse to go on dating apps. I don't have many friends who can set me up. But I'm still questioning if I even want a boyfriend or husband to begin with because of all the damage my parents' marriage left in me. But at the same time, I crave that fairytale romance that I think everyone wants. And do men even want to date a 29-year-old? To some, I've already lost "half my eggs", and that would make me less "desirable" in the dating market.

3.) I feel like my sister has taken the "easy" route in life. Growing up, my sister and I both always strived to build careers for ourselves. Our parents always instilled in us the importance of education and money because we grew up with not a lot of it. But we got into great universities and got our degrees. Then COVID hit, and it has been hard to navigate the job market since. I remember my sister a couple of years ago always complaining about how she couldn't get a job. But when she did get a job in PR, she always complained about how she didn't want to work anymore and that she hated her bosses. Since meeting her now husband (who's around 15+ years older than her), she's essentially been a stay at home girlfriend/fiancee/wife. She volunteers for places, but she's not making her own money. She enjoys going to Pilates during the day and cooking at night. They have a house together; he makes good money, but it's all his. I can't help but think that she mostly married this guy for money and stability. He's not conventionally attractive at all. He's not that charismatic or charming either. And here I am, working a job making $19 an hour in SoCal, and I'm barely making it. I'm underemployed and working my ass off building my portfolio so I can get a better-paying job. Part of me is jealous, but part of me is disappointed in my sister for not living up to her potential. She's also become anti-feminist.

Anyway, I'm not really looking for advice, just more of a vent. But has anyone gone through this at 29? Has anyone ever felt miserable for seeing a loved one get married/ or felt miserable at a wedding? Any children of divorced parents who decided not to get married/ get into relationships? Or am I just making mountains out of molehills? This whole wedding ordeal has put my life into perspective and has made everything confusing and grief-filled for me.

I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with me. I (23 F) met my bf (25 M) earlier this year. Long story short, we went through a lot together so far and have even almost broken up because of my lack of faith in him. He told me about a group of girls he was hooking up with before he met me while smiling reminiscing about it when we were first dating. He said that he would never have any of them on socials and if I were to worry about anyone they wouldn’t be on his social media. I started to check his socials and his following and had seen that 90% of the people he followed were female friends. He would also hide his phone from me and be very possessive over it and still is. He turns his phone on dnd when we hang out, and on one date one of his clients who is a young woman called him on snap. She was supposedly asking him for adderall because she had been asking around for it. This happened months ago but it still bothers me because a) why is she comfortable enough to be calling him on snap and b) why is he always hiding his socials from me. I have never once seen what his Snapchat friends chats look like. He also does not want to share his location with me but shares it with his mother who he does not even live with.

Part of the reason I am confused is because he is emotionally dependent on me. I always feel like he wouldn’t cheat but at the same time despite his best reassurances his behavior raises concerns. I truly don’t know what to do because he is so tired of me not trusting him but at the same time I don’t want anything happening behind my back. I can’t even tell if it’s anxiety or a gut feeling or both and it’s making me feel really horrible.

Dinner is spaghetti, fresh garlic, butter, olive oil, and salt.

Started a new job 3 weeks ago. It's fine, pays the bills while I'm in school. Problem is, I'm trans and i have a deep voice. I can't afford to voice train at the moment but that's why I'm in school. Waiting to clock out for the day I met a guy and he seemed friendly. It's a small crew full of old heads so it's pretty easy to pick out the new fish, and he just introduced himself the first week. I run into him a few times and he's always friendly.

Skip to week 3 and during my shift he asks if I prefer a shorter version of my name and things like that. I already shorten my name significantly and only use my full name in formal circumstances. Then he straight up asks if I'm trans. I'm uncomfortable but I know i don't pass, especially when I'm at work and dressed for factory work. So i answer honestly. He's like that's cool, got trans friends, wants to be respectful etc. Weird way of found about respecting me but whatever.

Tuesday comes and he asks me if he can call me "sexy Lexi". I've been called much worse and I'm not trying to make waves so I say its fine. I don't love it, but whatever. Later that day at lunch he comes and sits next to me. Starts asking if my girlfriend is also trans. Starts asking if she's cis "does that mean you're straight?" "Have you ever been pegged?" Things like that. Then starts telling me about how his girlfriend was going down on him and stuck a finger in his ass and how she's bi so he used to go to the gay club just to watch her make out with girls. I end up staying late and filling a report with HR. They're looking into things but it's a union shop so things move slow.

Day 3 I walk in and out my gear on at my locker. He asks me something from 20ft away and I pretend I didn't hear. Guy between us says "He asked if you've ever gotten a "blumpkin" (bj while sitting on the toilet). I tell him I'm not going to dignify it with a response and walk away.

I'm barely at my new job and I'm already being sexual harassed. This feels great, I'm so glad I get to experience this first hand

Food is Maultaschen in broth, with spices for aesthetics (and flavor)

I'm 24, nearing 25 and about 3 years into transition, 1.5 years legal transition, started HRT a bit under a year ago (with the first 5 months being awful levels).

I know I'm in a somewhat privileged position, having an almost passing voice and being seen usually as "somewhat clocky" to "almost semi-passing" at this stage of HRT, but I struggle a lot with knowing that to truly pass I'll need FFS (which is reeeeaaally expensive and I can't afford it) and even people saying I almost pass, say that I'm just not that pretty and look like I'm in my 30's to 40's. Even goddamned AI tools read me as 28-38, best guess mid 30's. And no one can give me proper tips. I just look old and not particularly pretty.

Even if I fix all my trans-related issues, I'll still look like and ugly woman a decade older than I actually am. Even if I actually fully pass one day, I struggle to see it as an actually successful transition.

Baked cheesy beans with oven pumpkin 🎃

I need y’all’s input girlies.

I’m not a big fan of dating and not a big fan of dating apps.
Every now and then I’ll swipe through it though, and I get Icked out a lot.

Especially when guys mention cuddling on their profile. I don’t know for sure why but I just find it so appaling?

Like they just want a warm body, not a person.

Am I wrong? Anyone ever dated a man who mentioned cuddling in his bio?

Edit: I’m aware that men are humans and get to enjoy cuddling. It’s kind of implied to me that any person on a dating app is looking for intimacy and closeness.
It’s the mention of cuddling in their bio specifically. It’s like walking up to a stranger and telling them you enjoy cuddling.

pasta dinner from last night

ive been living in a 2bed/2bath apartment for over a year now. its mostly been just me and my cats. i had a roommate off of facebook for a few months before she moved in with her bf. i was living alone again after that, until a friend from high school reached out saying she wanted to rent the extra room from me. it ended up being better for her to add her name to the lease for whatever benefits, and i was fine with that. i had always wanted to be closer friends with her.

two months before she moved in, i started dating someone and they became a big part of my daily routine. we would cook and eat together, and they would spend the night at my place because i wanted to stay with my cats. and my comfy bed. i just got so used to having my own space and no rules. or at least, only my rules.

its been a handful of months since shes fully moved in, and since then my partner has been around much less. still, she wasnt a big fan of them being over, and would tell me that. i would respond, not have them over for a couple weeks, then honestly forget about it until she got really mad again. its my fault that i cant keep promises. i really want her to be happy with me, but i also really enjoy spending time with my partner in my home. i understand that she has a say in who is in her home, and i feel so bad that i keep letting her down.

now, my roommate is extremely angry with me. my partner brought me grocery shopping and came back to cook with me. my roommate was asleep and i didnt think it would last so long that she would wake up. i wasnt consciously sneaking around my own apartment, but i probably had the feeling that i was. my partner ended up falling asleep in the living room while i watched a movie next to them. i had already cleaned up most of the kitchen, and had a couple of drinks. my roommate woke up and saw us, and got really mad and left. i was also tired, so i didnt check my phone for an hour, but i later saw that she texted me that she was tired of having the same conversation with me. she also posted on her instagram story that shes tired of being dismissed. i feel so guilty, and rightfully so.

i dont know how to make things right with her. i know i need to just stop having my partner over. but i give in to impulses too easily, especially when i dont see in the moment how hurtful my decisions can be. sure, spending time with a loved one is nice, but i should know better. i did start seeing a therapist, but my next appointment, which will be only my second, is not until next week.

i feel like an evil roommate from hell
edit: i didnt think i was fishing for sympathy. im really bad at making plans and following through so i wanted help with that. thank you guys for your advice, whether it came in the form of cold, hard truth or big sister vibes

edit: i lost track of which comments brought up the 2-3 nights i mentioned but someone said its the whole weekend and thats a lot to my roommate. i really am not trying to argue i just want to add that my roommate works a job where she is away the entire weekend. so during the school week my partner doesnt stay here more than a night or so. they just go home after hanging out. she JUST quit this job, though, so i shes probably extra sensitive to them being here. i dont need therapy to tell me i SHOULD be respectful. i know that, but im having a hard time because im embarrassed of my inability to stick to anything. thats why i need it

dinner is goodles hotshot jackpot noodles

i’ve been in and on and off again situationship with an older man (he’s 43, i’m 22) for a year now. we recently picked things up again.

we’ve fallen into this cycle where we’ll be talking 24/7, he’s spending multiple nights a week at my house, going out on dates all that, then he meets someone his age and ends it with me, but calls it off with the new person within a month and is back with me telling me he’s in love with me and doesn’t know what to do because our relationship is complicated (i have a toddler and hes said he’s done raising kids, his daughter doesn’t approve of our relationship. pretty big hurdles)

one of the last nights he was here, he brought up our situation and told me he was in love with me, but not into monogamy right now and still wants to sleep with other women. he did tell me he isn’t talking to anyone else right now, and that he’d communicate if that changes, but was a very much “wtf am i doing moment”

he’s out of the state visiting his daughter right now. one of my friends has been flirting with me pretty heavy and wanting to come over and hookup tonight.

this is where i’m at a crossroads. he’s said he wants to see other people too, and yes part of me does want to have my friend over tonight but the other part of me feels like i’m cheating even though i’m not??

i don’t know if any of this makes sense. i’d told him (guy who wanted to hook up, not situationship man) he could come by later tonight but now second guessing and may just lie and say my kid got sick and that tonight is a no go to get out of it. what would you do??? ahhh help 🤦🏻‍♀️

edit- my toddler does not know him, i keep relationships/my child separate until it’s serious. if we’re going out on a date i get a babysitter, if he’s here it’s after my son goes to bed and he leaves in the morning. my kid isn’t confused at all because he isn’t involved in adult business.

Hamburger with fries it was so yummyyy

Im 21F i have been talking to a 23M. We don’t live in the same country but we have gotten to know each other pretty well over time and im starting to think seriously about whether i could see a future with him

He is genuinely sweet, caring and respectful. We share the same political and religious views. He remember everything i tell him even little details. Personality wise there are a lot of things I appreciate about him

I also sometimes feel like he is a little feminine in his personality and he even say that. He never knew his father and his mother has had different partners throughout his life. He has a stepsister

However, the issue is the physical attraction. He is not ugly but not handsome we can say he is not really my type. To be honest i like to look at a pretty man im not talking about a model but just a little good looking one. I wonder whether im focusing too much on appearance

I know physical attraction matters but i also know a relationship needs much more than looks

I really want to get this off my chest so apologies if it doesn’t make sense. For context, me and my mom have never been super close. She always made it clear I wasn’t what she wanted in a daughter because I’m introverted, like anime, and over all am “weird”, for lack of a better word. I’ve also struggled with mental health that she would ignore. At 15 (I’m 21 now) it all came to a head and I ended up running away one night and my dad had to pick me and my sister up on the side of the road and go to the police because she got really upset at me and drank a lot. Since then me and my sister have lived with my dad and she moved states away. I went to therapy for years and became very depressed and my anxiety was to a point it was physically painful. I would also go through point where I was mentally numb. Like I couldnt emotionally feel anything. Not really sure how else to explain it. Now I have a relationship with her and we have gotten closer but I still think about the past a lot.

So onto why I’m making this post. When my parents originally got divorced when I was about 6, their agreement for medical expenses was my mom was to pay for both mine and my sister’s medical insurance. When we moved in with my dad, the police us that, even though we were supposed to see my mom due to the custody agreement, they were not going to enforce it since they saw how we were effected. Even though we were gonna stay with my dad, she was still supposed to pay for our medical insurance. But she just stopped. For a while me and my sister were going around without medical insurance. Eventually my dad figured out and he basically scrambled to figure out insurance for us. We were constantly changing plans. At the time, we weren’t well off but my dad never had us go without. But that combined with an accident he had where he was in the hospital for over a month and then bed ridden for another 4, money was a bit tight. My mom on the other hand is VERY well off. Her job pays very well and she remarried to a doctor who is also VERY well off. Saying this to show that money is not a problem for her/them. But she refused to pay for my and my sister’s medical insurance. My dad tried to work it out with her but her stance was “I can’t see them, so I won’t pay.” She even thought my dad was manipulating us to say we didn’t want to go back to her, which is far from the truth. My dad means the world to me and has always put us first. No one in the world will ever come before me and my sister. There are far too many examples as to why he is the best for me to put here. He truly means the world to me. My mom never did any of that. Looking back, she was very self centered and almost used “being a good mom” as a huge part how her identity, despite her being horrible. For clarification, she never physically hurt me. Everything was mental/psychological and she did drink a lot.

Back to the medical thing. Even to this day, she refuses to pay. I recently had to go to the doctor of an issue and ended up getting some not great news. Nothing life threatening, just something that kinda bummed me out. And with that came with a bunch of expenses. Since I’m at college I had to pay for some that weren’t billed. I asked my dad if he could send me some money for them (I’m still in college so it’s not like I can really afford to not be reimbursed and he always tells us to let him know if we need anything money wise. Also he is a lot better off financially than years ago just to add.) He said that my mom was supposed to pay for them. I told him that she didn’t and I had to. He got a bit upset and told me to make a spreadsheet with dates and prices so he could work it out with her.

Making that spreadsheet got me to realize she doesn’t care. She never has. And I thought that after all of these years, her seeing how I was effected, us having to go to our dad full time, the years and years of therapy (individual and family), and her being away from us would make her realize that she effed up and that she should step up. But it still doesn’t register to her. She’ll pay for trips for herself, for bags and cars, she’ll even pay for us to go places. But she won’t pay for my medical insurance. Something you basically need in America (where I live) and it makes me sick.

Thank you if you read all of this. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense at times. I just really want to get it out cause I don’t really know who to tell right now. Thanks again ❤️

Food: beef tacos (they were SO GOOD) and cucumbers

The picture doesn’t do it justice for how big this burrito was smh. Got this last night.

So I’ve been dating this guy about almost 8 months and last night I think I realized I’m mentally checked out of the relationship. I want to this restaurant last night to get birria tacos because they’re a comfort food now 😅 and there’s a guy that has been working there the whole more than a year I’ve been going there and I’ve had a crush on him the whole time.

Back in early March, his aunt who also works there, gave me his Facebook because she said she knew he wouldn’t do it and I honestly stopped going for a couple months because I had just started dating my boyfriend and I knew it was wrong to continue going. Well I started going again probably 2 weeks ago and last night he asked for my Instagram. I turned it down but I felt disappointed because I was in a relationship and that’s when I started thinking that I’m mentally checked out. I was on the phone with my best friend and we talked about it and she agreed that I might be but to probably talk to him about it.

A little context about my boyfriend real quick. I’m 22 hes 21 and I think his immaturity plays a part in why I’m like this now. I have a lot of trauma with violence and yelling from my childhood so I have panic attacks when people get mad and yell or throw and break things. He gets angry very easily when working on cars, or people cut him off or do stupid shit on the road and yells and breaks things or I once watched him key a car for cutting him off on the road. Or he hit another car for the same thing. Luckily I wasn’t with him but he did drive off. I’ve talked to him about this and I know having anger issues makes it difficult to handle but nothing has changed. He apologizes when it happens but I’m still affected by it.

I also have never been given flowers and we haven’t even said I love you to each other. I’ve said something to him many times about the flowers or just being thought of at random times like when he’s at the store and sees a drink I would like or whatever and he has since done a little bit but I think having to beg for it, ruined it. He also has a hard time “believing in love” because of his parents getting divorced after being together for a long time so I told him I would wait for him to be comfortable saying I love you to me but I just don’t think he feels it. 8 months is PLENTY of time to figure out if you’re feeling like that or not I would think and at first I felt impatient honestly and waited everyday to be able to say it and now I’m at the point where I don’t want to say it and I feel like that’s a huge red flag.

He also just went through a really scary time where he had a small procedure done that had complications that caused A LOT of pain and a full surgery to be done that was traumatic for him of course but for me too. I took care of him along with his mom while he was recovering and broke down a couple times from the fear the incident brought and the 2 year anniversary of my sisters death. But because of the location of the surgery, he can’t use his “downstairs” area so we haven’t been able to have sex for a couple weeks now. Previously, we were doing it deadass everyday almost and part of me wonders if there’s a possibility the feelings that I was feeling were just from that and now that we can’t have sex, those feelings aren’t there and now I’m not into him the way I was.

I don’t know. I think there’s a very high possibility I have bpd but I stopped going to therapy before we got that far due to the loss of health insurance so I do fear that maybe I’m just feeling so negatively towards him because of how I react to the smallest bad things that happen but I’m not sure. So I guess I just kinda wanted advice from the girlies on how to navigate this situation especially since I don’t have a mother figure to rely on.

Also, let’s say I broke up with him, I will not immediately try to talk to the guy from the restaurant. I have moved on quickly before and it ended terribly so healing would definitely be in order 😭

I would tell her you will meet many and almost none are genuine. Also, cut things off early once you sense something is off.
Guys can wear many different masks, what they show you isn’t necessarily means what they feel about you

In n out

hey guys. any of yall remember that post from awhile back about the best first date ever?? forehead kisses and cuddles and sleeping over and 16 hrs of chatting? maybe yall were right and he was love bombing me, or maybe i’m overreacting right now. either way, i’m so frustrated.

i have been seeing this man for nearly a month. he’s in grad school, i just finished undergrad. it’s been SO good, i’ve felt so happy and seen and fulfilled. i know it hasn’t been long but i was slightly finally starting to let my guard down and trust that he wouldn’t suddenly turn evil! that’s rlly hard for me to do!!

i saw him on monday and it was so normal, we cuddled and kissed and watched silly shows and didn’t even have sex, it was SO GOOD and i went home feeling great. i knew he had midterms this week, and he was going to be busy- he warned me- and i told him im not someone who needs constant contact, i understand being busy.

we used to text allll the time, this week it’s cut back a bit and he can go like 24 hrs without replying- i didn’t worry much because i get it and he’d always come back with updates abt his life and school and be apologetic. i knew he was busy this week and pulling all nighters, etc. i also tend to take my own space when stressed.

but his last test was thursday. and he hasn’t texted me since noon that same day. that text was SO NROMAL, super engaged, multiple texts ending with saying he’s so excited to hear about my day. i replied quickly, but now it’s been over 48 hours since ive heard from him at all and i’m getting anxious.

i sent a check in yesterday afternoon but didn’t hear back. the last time we spoke was like noon on thursday and it’s now 3pm saturday. i just don’t get it. how do you not make time for the person you claim to like and be interested in? who you’ve been talking to constantly for a month and hanging out with all the time? maybe he found a new girl, we weren’t exclusive, that seems crazy fast given how i know he was seriously spending the whole week studying.

maybe he’s taking a break from screens after a stressful week, but wouldn’t he like… mention that???

idk i feel weirded out and my feelings are hurt. maybe i’m being immature and should just give it time, but this sucks. i was really starting to like him.

food is my fave pasta- made last time i saw him. garlic, olive oil, trader joe’s “italian bamba” chili paste, salt, oregano. sautéed shrimp and broccoli.

I need to get this out somewhere. I have been having "men" that I dated or had something with in my past coming into my DMs. One in particular JUST got out of inpatient for alcohol and now wants to date me. We were friends for 6 years and he had time prior to this point. However, he has been in my DMs more and more with "updates" and then last night he wanted to try dating. He has been more insistent when I got into shape then more so now that I have a house and going to law school. I told him I do not want to date someone who just got out of inpatient for alcohol abuse, and he tried to flip the script on me and play this poor me narrative. I didn't engage. That is one of them, but there are numerous men in my DMs. This is a letter to these mothertruckers.

Dear men,

Once I got into shape, you seem to be in my inbox. We may have dated or slept together years ago, and I may have given you so many chances like a moron. I thought I had to do these things in order for you to like me.

I am no longer that low self esteem girl. I have put up with DV, lies, cheating, etc and for what? Nothing. I have so much regret for every single one of you that I dated or slept with. None of the relationships were worth it or enjoyable. Not one.

I have a house, a car, a career, I am halfway through my first year of law school. I have no debt. My stuff is together, on my own... without you.

I don't need you, a BOMB to blow it up. Leave me and my dog alone. I am not the stupid low self esteem girl anymore.

**Biscottis that I ate in my car with a latte and watched the sunset**

Ever since I got pregnant my life has been miserable. I wanted this baby so badly, planned for kids with my hubby for years, but being pregnant has made everything worse and I don't know what to do.

On paper, my situation looks great. Fetus and I are healthy, I can exercise, I'm not in any real pain. I have a supportive husband and family, we are in a great position to raise kids. I should be grateful. This is everything I ever wanted. So WHY am I so miserable?

I can't enjoy anything I used to. I have basically changed my whole diet because I can't keep down many of the foods I used to love. I was pescatarian and very non-picky, but since being pregnant I can't even THINK about certain things. If I even SMELL peanut butter, I throw up. Chocolate tastes like absolute ass. I can't be anywhere near fish as the smell makes me nauseous. I crave very spicey foods all the time, but certain types of strong flavoried curries will turn my stomach. And sometimes I'll crave something, prepare/order it, and then at the very first bite discover that my dumbass body is not going to be able to keep it down. So now I have to spend more time or money figuring out a new thing to eat and I'm still hungry and my feet are swollen and this whole situation is just so incredibly fucking stupid. I find myself CRAVING super fatty meaty foods, beef, steak, bacon, stuff that I never used to eat. Vegetables and fruits have become off-putting in a way I can't quite describe. I've been trying to get creative with grinding them into sauces, roasting them, frying them and it just feels like a huge chore. I feel like I barely have any choice over what I can eat anymore.

I can't hike, camp or go on long walks anymore. My feet are always swollen and get sore after being on them for not very long. I frequently need access to a clean bathroom, and I don't want to be around people (which is an essential survival component of going into the wild). I can't attend yoga because I have to get up to pee at least 3 times during class and it interrupts my flow and sometimes interrupts meditation and the whole experience isn't what it used to be, so what's even the point? I can't ride a bike because it bounces my jiggling bits around and gets really uncomfortable and hurts my back. Can't go dancing because of the peeing, hating people, and spinning can be really hard on my back. So for most of my exercise, I bought myself a stationary bike that can lean backwards a little bit. Exercise used to be so fun, a chance to get out of the house, get sun, see people. Now it's just me at home alone, staring at myself in the mirror on this bike, looking like a depressed, bloated, pale gremlin. I don't recognize myself.

I'm irritated ALL the time. I feel very cynical and distrustful and even a bit hateful of other people in a way I never used to. I've always been a really positive and upbeat person, I've always felt very grateful for my life and my family and friends and community, now I just feel resentful all the time and annoyed at them for the actual dumbest reasons ever. The other day my friend texted me an emoji I think is stupid and it threw me into an inexplicable rage. Over a fucking EMOJI like calm the fuck down brain, jesus christ.

I realized the other day that it has been 3 YEARS since I have had a margarita. I don't drink much but I have bever felt like I needed a drink more in my entire life. Obviously I can't have one. Pregnant people aren't allowed to have nice things.. can't complain about it either because I CHOSE this for my dumb ass.

And I resent my husband most of all. Though he doesn't deserve it. He's incredibly supportive and does a lot to care for me and try to make this easier on me. But I just feel so angry at him all the time. I can't get over the fact that my entire body has to change, stretch, sag, and morph in different places, permanently. I will likely experience god knows what tortures during delivery. Meanwhile literally the only thing he had to do was have an orgasm. Why can't I reproduce by just having a fucking orgasm??? Like why does HE get that and I don't, ugh. I am trying to protect him from myself, I'm trying to be grateful for everything he does, but it's so hard and I feel like I'm just bottling up my rage all the time.

I used to feel great about who I am and how I look. Now I have no idea who that person is. I regret getting pregnant. I want my old life back. I want to feel good about life and myself, to get out and do things and not feel like a zombie dragging myself through the motions. I'm worried that I might have let this get too far. In my head I'm so poisoned and angry that I am worried I will be a horrible mother. I don't feel like I can tell anyone; I'm ashamed.

I know that I need to go to therapy. I know pregnancy and hormonal changes are temporary and this situation will transform over time and that there are things I can do to make this all better. I'm definitely not going to abandon my family or do anything crazy, I'm definitely going to seek help, but I just feel so sad. I thought this would be a very joyful phase of my life. Instead I don't even know for sure that I can ​welcome this miracle of human life into the world in the way it deserves. I spent so many years wanting this, planning for it, looking forward to it. Now I have to put all my energy into experiencing and escaping a dark place.

Dinner is strips of beef bulgogi without anything else because I am tired of peparing food

a little over a year ago i (21f at the time) blocked my then boyfriend (23m at the time) of 2.5 years out of the blue as a means of breaking up with him. i left because we were both unhappy but it was our both our first relationship. we were long distance and he thought i was beneath him in maturity, intelligence, and taste. he never listened to me when i would bring up valid reasons i was upset and would bring up how i was privileged and could not understand why he does things the way he does. he never showed me he understood me or wanted to understand me. i ended up briefly breaking up with him once before i officially broke it off. when i came back to him he said “yeah i didn’t even cry because i knew you’d come back to me” and something along the lines about how i’d be stupid to leave him. about one month later i ended up blocking him out of the blue, the catalyst being that he knowingly did not get me a birthday gift or send a card. i blocked him so abruptly because i knew that that was the only way i could get out of that relationship without being manipulated back into it.

i’ve read some posts on boy dinner diaries about how the guy realizes that their partner is leaving them because they did not treat them well enough during their relationship. when i read stories like this, i can’t help but wonder if my ex realizes why i left and hope regrets how he treated me. though i’ve mulled over if blocking him was ok or not, i’ve come to the conclusion that it was the only way i could have left but i didn’t get any closure. i know it’s been a year and i should get over it but i just wish i could convey to him how he hurt me for some reason.

sushi from umi in atl!

How do I accept a without romantic love?

​I am 25 years old. I’ve never kissed anyone or done anything else. No guy has ever hit on me, shown the slightest bit of interest, or written to me on IG—nothing at all. Every time I’ve tried making a move on someone, I’ve been rejected. I'm the only one who has never even had a casual dating experience.

​Aesthetically, I take care of myself. I’m no model, but I’m average. All my female friends—even those less attractive than me—have had someone. Everyone tells me it’s strange that no one has ever liked me, but years and years have passed and still nothing. I attended mostly male universities and I had, and still have, male friends and acquaintances. However, some are in relationships, and the rest aren't interested in me romantically, only as a friend.

​In clubs, bars, or at other events, no one has ever shown interest in me, and the times I tried, I noticed what seemed like disinterest in getting to know me. I’ve always wanted to kiss someone, go out with them, hug them—someone who looks at me with love, who is happy to see me—yet it’s absolute zero.

​I realize I'm an anomaly, and I also realize it’s not a matter of meeting more people because I’ve changed cities, jobs, universities, events, venues—everything—and nothing ever changes. I’ve been trying for years and years and don't receive even a shred of attention. I thought that by taking maximum care of my appearance and meeting people things would change, but instead, nothing. And it’s not a matter of high standards either, because I’ve never rejected anyone in my life; I would just like to be liked by a guy I like.

​A partner was something I wanted so badly, but I’m realizing it’s probably not meant for me. I don't know why, if not for fate—sometimes pretty and smart girls end up alone for life, while bad people find love.

​The problem is that I can't accept this life alone, without ever experiencing what it means to love and be loved. I don't think I'll be able to be happy without it, so what do I do?. I don't want a life where I never experience romantic love, yet I have no choice. I’ve tried everything, and I’m tired of waiting for something that might never arrive or might arrive when I'm 50. I don't want my first boyfriend at that age. I just want someone to look at me through the eyes of love and want to be with me. How do I accept that it won't happen?

​And don't give me false hope or empty platitudes. Be objective and realistic with me.

Leaves are falling, it's spooky season, Thanksgiving is coming, and this should be my favorite part of the year but I am miserable 😊

I've always been really close with my family and even though I've lived in different states over the years, I've always made it a point to spend either Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family.

This year though, things are feeling too heavy to make that happen.

Me (30F) and my (36M) partner are supposed to go to thanksgiving this year with my family and spend Christmas as home with his kids (16F&13M). The back and forth has been the arrangement for years and it's always worked great, however I'm getting to a point where I want so bad to be a mom and it's almost too painful to even think about going to my families house. It feels like out of no where all of my cousins and my brother had babies in the past three years and it's all anyone wants to talk about. On one hand, I'm so depressed about not having children of my own that seeing everyone so happy with their babies makes me feel an indescribable despair. My partner has a vasectomy and while we're hoping it can be reversed, we won't even know if he can get the surgery until mid November and then who knows after that how soon he can get the procedure or even if it will work. I'm so sad and scared I won't be able to start my family that at my SILs baby shows I had to take Xanax just to keep myself from crying and having a panic attack. On the other hand, the only thing anyone in the family wants to talk about it babies, and since my partner has kids, he gets included in the discussion and asked questions about his kids as babies and how him and his ex handled it, while I just get pushed to the side. It makes me feel like I don't have a place in this family anymore unless I have kids of my own. No one seems to respect me as a step parent because I wasn't in the kids life until they were older and we don't have primary custody.

I feel so selfish because I know I should be so excited to see all the new babies in the family and I am but with with 5 babies under 2 in the house, all everyone wants to talk about is how exciting it is to be a new parent/new grandparent and I can't relate. Living out of state I try to visit as much as I can but I still don't see them enough for anyone to ask or care about how I feel about being an aunt and it's just constant questions about when I'll have a baby which makes me want to sob uncontrollably because I'm worried I won't get to be a mom.

Can I just skip thanksgiving and give some BS excuse? I feel like saying "babies make me depressed" is insane and selfish but I also feel like crying the entire day while everyone is happy is just as bad.

I'm sorry if this is all over the place.. I'm just ranting I guess.

Dinner is biscuits & gravy

Went home after living in the US for 5 years and got asked the seemingly most important question everyone thinks is essential as a girl in her 30s. "When are you getting married?"

I'm tired of it. Anyway my mom served me this goat's head for dinner.

After five years in the closet I just hit one year on hormones and had a party to celebrate!

About a year ago I started HRT and started slowly coming out to people. I thought everyone was gonna be weirded out by me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong! I’ve got nothing but support!

So I never have birthday parties cause I never really had them as a kid, but I was like this deserves a party! I invited over like fifteen people, all friends who I’m out too and cooked for them in my little one bedroom apartment. We made Cubanos and fries and I spent the last two days marinating the pork shoulder in two different marinades and then slow cooking it for four hours. The food came out fantastic!

The entire night people were coming up and congratulating me and complimenting my hair and telling me my shorts were cute and other stuff you say to girls. Everyone used my right name and right pronouns. One of my best friends actually set a date where she’s gonna do my hair and makeup and doll me up just for the fun of it! 

After so many years of repression and depression, it feels so freeing to finally be me and to finally be happy. 

The future may be uncertain, but for the first time in a longtime I have hope!

AND I GET TO LIVE AS A GIRL!!!!!

Food is Cubano sandwiches with recipe courtesy of binging with Babbish. 

Fries are twice fried duck fat fries with recipe courtesy of Roy Choi

Fresh chocolate chip muffins, grilled with butter to ease the angst.

To start, I’m autistic with ADHD and another processing disorder called Dyspraxia.

I’m part of a learning cohort that centers around advocacy and story telling. The goal is to build networks and connect with like minded people who are challenging the status quo for human rights, poverty ect.

One of my symptoms of being dyspraxic is talking a lot. I talk a lot, lot. I’m a curious person, I like to hear people share and their opinions are very important to me. Talking is a highly satisfying way for me to connect with others. Even though I am loquacious, I am relevant and usually have helpful insight to add.

I know some people think I just like to hear my own voice. The truth is actually, I sometimes struggle to process unless I hear it spoken. I also interrupt when I get excited. These are all unhelpful behavior patterns that can isolate and ostracize a person. I know that it can be unpalatable. It still hurts when the fruit of my behavioral challenges take root.

The teachers ignoring my raised hand to call on others. “Let’s let other people have a turn” (it’s a new question/discussion). The humiliation of getting excited and talking out loud when someone else is still talking. People laughing at you. People silencing you when you’re in a group activity and you try to participate, “we only have five minutes so let’s not start talking”
but everyone else can speak. A person in the group asked another person who was laughing at me for some insight. He later told her over my head that he wasn’t ignoring her question but rather didn’t want to answer her so that I wouldn’t get involved and start talking.

On the other side, getting labeled a know it all. People coming up to you to extract information. Team KnowItAll, “it’s not the ExpensiveSport show” and finally, someone I was in desperate love with giving me dead eyes and stating “girls talk too much.”

I know how overwhelming it can be for others to be on the other side, thinking this girl doesn’t shut up why is she always talking? My whole life I’ve been told that other people find my jabberwocky ways highly unlikable. I get it. And also, here I am. I constantly try to edit my self to accommodate this part of who I am. It feels really bad, like forcing yourself to rewrite with your left hand because the church thinks only right handed people are acceptable. I still try. Especially after a clinician in my therapy group stated that I talk a lot. I asked her if it challenged her control of the group or if there were any issues arising from my participation. She said no. That others seemed to benefit from what I had to say and seemed to enjoy it. I left the group and didn’t leave my house or see another person for a whole year. I got my groceries delivered and only spoke to my immediate family.

Baked some muffins n grilled them with butter. They taste good with my tears

Is this a big deal? I get venting to others when you’re in a relationship and going through things. There’s been times where I’ve been frustrated with him and have talked about it to my friends and my mom. I don’t know why but him complaining about me to another girl just doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t know why. It would be one thing if it were his guy friends.

Lunch is meatloaf with potato and pasta salad