We used to have movie nights where he’d buy me candy, wrap his arm around me, and help me study. I had feelings for him but never expressed them. 22F, 23M.

We lost touch a year ago because I ignored him when he reached out. I was immature and offended that it took him four weeks to text me. He changed his number two months later, so I never got the chance to reach out.

I regret how things ended. So I recently sent him a LinkedIn request, but it’s been a week and he hasn’t accepted. I’ve noticed he’s been active, so I’m worried he’s seen it and is choosing not to accept.

Should I withdraw it or leave it pending? I genuinely want to reconnect, but I don’t want to seem desperate or keep waiting if he’s not interested.

EDIT: we both went to the same university and have the same work history. So I didn't think LinkedIn was weird.

The Guy Who Approached Me

So, there's this guy.

We've looked at each other a lot. Like, we've caught each other's eyes multiple times, and I don't know if he noticed it the same way I did, but I definitely noticed him.

Then, one day, he actually approached me.

He asked me if I was in a relationship.

I said no.

Then he asked for my number, and I gave it to him.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting him to be so direct.

We started texting, and I don't know if I seemed nonchalant or what, but we started talking about random things, like our favourite series and novels.

Then, a couple of days later, he asked me something.

He wanted to know if I'd given him my number because I felt pressured when he asked me directly. He told me that if I didn't want to talk to him, I could honestly just delete his contact. He said it wasn't a big deal.

I told him it was fine.

He said, "Sure?"

I said, "Yea."

I don't know why, but that conversation stood out to me. He actually gave me an easy way out instead of assuming I wanted him just because I'd given him my number.

Anyway, we kept talking.

I told him about my sleeping schedule, how I sometimes stay awake until four or five in the morning reading novels or watching series. We talked about our favourite shows and stuff.

Then, yesterday night, he told me he had a challenge for me.

I asked him, "Like what?"

And this guy says that if he reads all three books of the novel I'm currently reading in 24 hours, would I consider dating him?

I was like, "Ohh damm. Now that's new."

I mean, WHAT? 😭

Who even comes up with a challenge like that?

But then I told him I'd love to, except I'm in a situationship, and I can't date another guy at the same time.

I apologised for disappointing him.

He said it was fine and that he'd asked because he didn't want either of us to waste our time.

I agreed. I said, "Yea, that's better."

And I thought that would be the end of the romantic conversation.

BUT NO.

This guy then asks me another question.

He asks that if we're both single and unmarried sometime in our twenties, would I date him?

We're literally eighteen right now.

I don't even know how we went from exchanging numbers to discussing our twenties. 😭

But I said, "That sounds pretty good to me."

Then he asked me to promise.

I said yes.

And then I asked him, "Would you wait for that long?"

He said, "Yea, ig I will wait."

And now we're apparently discussing a hypothetical future relationship years from now, after knowing each other for four days.

FOUR DAYS.

And the funny thing is, I was playing along with him, too. It wasn't just him being silly.

Then he said he'd become better before that time.

I asked him why he thought he wasn't good enough right now.

He told me he was skinny and introverted.

And I don't know what to make of that yet.

Because why does he think those things mean he's not good enough?

Anyway, that's the story so far.

I don't know what's going to happen with this guy. I'm in a situationship, and I told him that I can't date him right now.

But somehow, we ended up having a conversation about potentially dating in our twenties.

I don't know if that promise means anything serious. We were being playful, and I don't think either of us can predict what we'll want years from now.

But I guess we'll see how things go.

Umm what you think

This may be a bit of a long and rambling post. I think I'm just looking for advice and thoughts, but also feel like I just need to get this out, and feel like at least someone heard me.

I met my wife when we were both very young, over 20 years ago. We had a really loving and passionate relationship, and ended up getting married eventually, then also kids a bit later.

I've always been a self centred and selfish person. I won't go into why that is, let's just say that it's at least a complex thing, with a lot of factors.

I've also always been really good at self deception. I have only really finally come to realise that.

Lastly, I have always been very uncomfortable with being uncomfortable. I have always preferred to take the easier, safer, less effort option if it meant me feeling better at the time, regardless of the long term consequences to myself and others around me, especially my wife.

The result of my self centred and selfish nature, combined with my own self deception, meant that for a long time in our marriage, I never really put HER needs ahead of my own. I let her take on the burden of most of the housework, and often resented being asked to help out. I often chose the easy, quick dopamine option of porn rather than working on improving our intimacy, and thinking about her needs. I hid that from her as well, letting her believe that I just wasn't always in the mood, which over time led her to wonder if I didn't find her attractive, or if there was something wrong with her.

In recent years our relationship has deteriorated, less intimacy, less kind and loving interactions, more bitterness and resentment on both sides.

It's not an excuse, but just for context, I suffered a really bad bout of depression several years ago, which took years to slowly pull myself out of, thanks to medication and therapy. It's a lot better than it was but you never really completely get rid of it.

I have also recently been diagnosed with ADHD and mild autism. I don't want to use that as an excuse for anything I did though, even though at first I did. I felt like I was the victim when she got angry that I had not done any chores I was supposed to, or forgot an important date or time, etc.

Recently, due to a whole lot of introspection and therapy, I have finally been able to stop lying to myself, and the reality of what a selfish jerk I have been had finally hit me like a ton of bricks.

I came clean completely with my wife, telling her about all the porn, and everything that I had not been honest with her about. I told her that I'm finally being honest with myself, and I want to treat her the way I always should have been. I started putting her needs first, always making sure to treat her with respect and kindness. For a few days things didn't change much, but she started coming around, and for a couple of weeks things were amazing. I felt truly in love again, like I hadn't felt for a long time. Our intimacy and relationship seemed to shift back in time to how things were 20 years ago.

However she did start getting a bit suspicious and confused. Rightfully so. How many times in the past had I told her I would change but not really mean it? She ended up finally telling me how she really felt. That she had wanted desperately for my love and support, and emotional connection and intimacy, for 20 years. But in that whole time, she always felt like no one put her first. She was such a loving, kind, devoted wife, and I completely took that for granted, and took advantage of it. She had slowly had all the things that made her such an amazing person chipped away over the years, and started building a wall around herself to protect herself. She admitted that more recently she had considered divorce, and almost certainly that's where things would have ended up soon. She also realised that she never put her own happiness first, even this time, after so many years of me being a jerk, and then being nice for a few days, she immediately started thinking about how to make ME happy, rather than her own happiness.

I am genuinely so remorseful and full of regret about the way I've treated her, thinking about how our life could have been if I hadn't always been a selfish jerk, who always put himself first. I don't know why it's taken me this long to finally have reality dawn on me, and be able to admit to, and feel the consequences. I wish more than anything that I could go back and do it differently.

I know within myself that this really is a turning point for me, and I vowed to myself and her that I want to try and repair things as best I can, even if it might be impossible to ever fully repair things back to how they were. The feeling of loss I now have is the strongest thing I have felt in decades.

I wish more than anything that we can repair our relationship, and to finally treat her how she deserves. I know I can never actually make it up to her, all I can do is to make it be the best I can from now on.

What’s something you would have done different in life, had you know sooner?

Yea, I did it. I went back to an ex that I never got over when she cheated the first time on me years ago. I regret going back years later, especially now seeing that she cheated on me again before breaking up with me several days ago.

She didn’t deserve me back then and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve the better version of me in the present.

We make our own bed.

I’m moving on to better things in life. This is at least a new beginning to things I want to change in my life. While I regret going back, I get to look forward to growing from it.

Thank you (to me ex) for showing me who you really are and showing me that what I held onto for all these years was never really meant for me in the first place.

Seeing how your life turned out with the person you left me for all those years ago, the mental and physical abuse you endured from said person, when you genuinely had a good person in front of you that truly loved you, that’s enough closure for me. While I don’t wish mental and physical abuse on anyone, I would’ve never done that to you and you couldn’t see what they were back then because sometimes love truly is blind.

Continue on the path you’re on. You’re still the same person you were ten years ago, only you’re more stubborn now and the trauma from your ex has only made you more shielded.

I was in love with a ghost for all these years. Good luck in life.

I live in Las Vegas and after work I went to a club with a new girl friend. There I saw a guy that had that weird fun energy in him. (He was twerking to sexy redd 😭 idk man it made me laugh), initially I never approached but he ended up approaching me once the club closed down. I was still pretty drunk but was aware of what was happening, he was a little annoying but to be honest, he was 6’5 and handsome. I was definitely talking to him in a manner that would suggest I was interested in him. Well next day, he texted and invited me out, said he would take me out and pay for everything all day. I agreed. Well, when I got there….he was the definition of MAGA. USA hat, flags on his shoes, flag shirts….. he wasnt racist to me (black) but he was very racists to anyone outside of American and it made me very uncomfortable. However I still went out with him and boy! Was it a humiliation ritual!? 38 year old man pointing his finger and rating womens looks, calling so many beautiful women ugly. Talking only to men that appeared to be only from the south (hes from texas). Then it got worse….he invited his friend. Sounds normal right? Until his friend says “so are we gonna fuck?” I asked what he was talking about. Apparently MAGA guy told his friend that I was interested in a threesome. I started freaking out and asked why he didn’t inform me of these “plans”. He said he didn’t want me to get scared. Welp. I WAS SCARED. I didn’t let him order me food (wasnt raised like that) and then I made a plan to escape the restaurant. I got home safely. But safe to say I plan to stay away from men for a while.

i regret joining software engineering for the money tbh. don’t get me wrong i still enjoy building cool projects on my own and that part still feels good, but when it comes to the actual job side everything fell apart. my company started laying people off and i was one of them, then on upwork i couldn’t even land a decent deal, and now i’m still applying everywhere but not getting any offers. and now ai can still build cool stuff too so even that feels less special somehow. idk it just feels like i chased the money and ended up with nothing stable, and that hits different when you realize the passion part is the only thing left that still makes sense.

for reference, i am a new grad.

I’ve had 2 bfs. I lost my virginity to my first and I didn’t have sex with the second bf. He’s now my ex. He broke up because he thought im a wh0r3 and a d3mon. I know it’s not right that he talked like this to me but I feel so regretful for having lost my virginity to my first bf. It was a huge mistake. I feel like no one will ever love me. Or if someone does they won’t be the person I want. Or it just won’t happen at all. Everywhere on internet I see people talking about “if u have a gf and she isn’t a virgin you are a cuck for not having s3x w her”
I wish I never did it. It makes me give up on any relationship. When I like someone even slightly I just give up on it and don’t pursue anything because I feel they won’t like me bc of me not being a virgin or they won’t be serious about a relationship w me.
I feel worthless.

I'm 21f, and I really need some outside perspective because I've been overthinking this situation nonstop.

Recently, I went out with my friends. At some point, I ended up hooking up with a guy while I was under the influence. The thing is, I genuinely feel that if I had been sober, this wouldn't have happened. I regret it because it wasn't a decision I would have made with a clear head.

My friends knew I was out and that I was with this guy. They started calling and messaging me around 4 AM because they couldn't reach me. My phone was lost, so I couldn't answer their calls or see their messages. They were getting increasingly worried and angry. They were asking where I was and telling me to at least let them know I was safe.

I didn't see their messages until around 6 AM. By then, they were really upset. One of them said it wasn't okay and that if I didn't respond within 10 minutes, they wouldn't talk to me anymore.

When I finally saw everything, I felt horrible. I left them a voice message explaining myself and apologising. I also messaged my friends individually because I genuinely didn't want to lose them.

One of my friends, who was out with me that night, left my message on seen. Another friend was completely silent toward me, even though we were sharing a room. I tried calling her name, but she wouldn't even look at me. Being in the same room as someone who won't acknowledge you is such a lonely feeling.

Later, I found out from my roommate that all three of my friends had discussed how they would react if I came back into the room. Apparently, they were so angry that they talked about slapping me or throwing me out and not speaking to me for a whole day. They didn't actually do those things, and I know they care about me. I think they were genuinely scared and angry because they couldn't reach me.

Eventually, my roommate spoke to me. She explained that the main issue wasn't necessarily that I had hooked up with someone. It was that I should have sent even one message saying I was safe. I understand that now. Even if my phone hadn't been lost, I should have had a better safety plan.

I've apologised, and I've been thinking about how to prevent something like this from happening again. I want to set clearer boundaries with the guy, be more careful about being under the influence, and make sure a trusted friend knows where I am when I go out.

But emotionally, I'm struggling a lot.

I keep asking myself why I made that decision. I wish I'd set boundaries. I wish I'd gone home with my friend instead. I feel like I let myself down, and I'm terrified that I've disappointed people I love.

I've been telling myself that I always make bad decisions, even though I know one mistake shouldn't define who I am. I want to become a better person. I want to be able to have fun without putting myself in situations I regret.

I'm also supposed to travel home to my parents for a week, and I just want a fresh start. I want things to feel normal again. I want to stop replaying that night in my head.

My friends still haven't all responded to my messages. One has told me she's not even angry anymore, but I can tell things still feel awkward. I don't know what the other two are thinking, and I'm scared that our relationships won't go back to normal.

I know I made mistakes. I understand why my friends were worried, and I want to take responsibility for my part. But I'm also struggling with a lot of shame and guilt, and I don't know how to move past it.

I need honest advice:

1. Am I overthinking this, or is it reasonable to be worried that my friendships have changed?

2. How do I give my friends space without feeling like I'm losing them?

3. How do I forgive myself for hooking up with someone when I was under the influence and wouldn't have chosen it sober?

4. How can I learn from this experience without becoming afraid of going out, having fun, or making decisions?

5. Have any of you made a decision you deeply regretted and eventually managed to move on from it?

I don't want people to tell me I did nothing wrong if I did make mistakes. I want honest advice about how to take accountability, repair my friendships, and move forward without hating myself.

I just want to learn from this and become a better version of myself.

Edit Well to clear thing out i just got to know they were kidding about not letting me in my room and stuff.

I am short of words , I love my girl so much but we always argue like I don’t even know why we always argue .we have said bare times not to ever argue again or even if we were to not in a bad way but we keep on arguing. Like it’s draining to think I am doing my best to acc make her happy but I can’t seem too, like she’s a good girl and I love her dearly but she deals with alotta trust issues from her past and also overthinking so that has affected her badly and I feel like that’s has weighed on our relationship cause she thinks I am like everybody which I’m not. Now we are thinking of ending things I genuinely don’t want to cause ik I would regret it don’t know what to do I have also been thinking ab therapy with her but I feel embarrassed cause it’s just 9months in . Like I have alot to say I just can’t put them into writing this is just a little bit

I don’t what’s happening but me M24 doing my masters and my F22 doing her bachelor’s from different colleges , we used live together at our hometown the whole day and some nights we were so attached she loves me so much also she care about me as well but after going to diff colleges I started being a totally diff guy I started being angry on small things about her I know I’ll never find a girl like her ever I love her so much but this relationship is consuming me I just go full mad and full rage mode in minor inconvenience I start breaking things feeling like I am gonna smack my head in wall or what and even after confronting her she’s doesn’t give a fuck basically I am drowning in what I don’t know I feel insecure, jealous, scared of loosing her all the time this is affecting my academics badly what should I do , should I end this relationship because if I will continue it’s going to cost my future my mental health my overall things , ending will cost I don’t know what I don’t think so that it’s going to affect her at all because she made her new friends enjoying her life here I am who was totally dependent on her doesn’t have friends I feel fucked?

important: Just because I regret doing this and feel remorse doesn’t mean I will just stay. I’ve come too far in this to do so now. I don’t know how I can magically start caring about these people after years of faking it. I just feel bad because I’ve spent years faking all forms of connection.

It goes back to me not losing my virginity until early 2023 and I was 30 then. The woman I was with cheated on me through all of 2023 and at least most of 2024. In mid 2024 we had a gigantic fight about how tired I was of her doing this and I warned her then and there that I was very close to snapping over it. She didn’t care and kept doing it, which meant I was forced to check myself out of the relationship and I completely stopped caring if she brought other men over.

Eventually I’m guessing she felt bad and other men stopped coming by. And she’d come home from work earlier. But back then I believed she was finding some other way to hide it even if it was harder to detect, so I wasn’t buying it. I only pretended to be okay with this and forgive her NOT OUT OF REVENGE, but because being a virgin so late was going to mean I’d be too inexperienced to just find another woman right away, so I decided I needed at least 3-5 years of relationship experience before I could leave.

My friends here did buy it though and they all said how cool it was that I “forgave her”.

At one point in 2025 I did reveal to them my intentions and they seemed to be appalled until I lied and said I was joking, to save face. Even now they remember it as “not a cool joke”. But they didn’t think I was gonna take off one day and that was enough to not have her warned. I also thought (back then) that she had them fooled as well and she was still cheating. I eventually planned on just moving to a new state and leaving everyone here behind.

It was only recently after now 2 years that I learned her remorse was genuine. I didn’t think she really felt bad, I thought she was lying the whole time. Now I’m living in a whole circle of people I feel nothing for and wouldn’t feel bad about abandoning. That’s why I feel remorseful, because I spent years doing this and I don’t know if anything is fixable by now.

General advice on ending ruminating negative thoughts (learned through CBT) .... Train your mind to focus on 2 facts instead:

1. You can't possibly change the past. So, why waste the mental energy thinking about it?
2. You can't possibly predict the future. So, stop wasting your time predicting doomsday outcomes.

Practice these 2 and you become more adept at living in "the here and now".

I don’t know if it’s the alcohol making everything feel heavier, or if I’m just finally feeling everything I’ve been trying to ignore. I’m regretting things, overthinking everything, and feeling so much anger toward certain people.

I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all these feelings right now. I just needed somewhere to put them.

I regret so much for staying with a man who had already made it clear that he can never love me or any other woman like his first love that he lost. I thought I could change that around and be there for him but overtime I understood he was right. I can never be her for him and no matter what I do it will never be enough for him. I’ve lost myself completely trying to earn his love and survived on breadcrumbs. I don’t know how to get out of this loop and love myself again, I don’t know if I can ever love anyone like I loved him. It was such a bad idea to stay with someone who wasn’t over their ex and now 4 years later, I’m the unhappy person. I wish I could undo it all and get my years back and put love into myself and someone else who could value me and love me back.

It can be anything u can share personally or in comments

I made a decision to which i thought was for the best at the time and now i can’t go back and change that decision. Rumination is haunting me and it’s eating me alive. The decision I made it making me struggle more than I anticipated and I have learnt my life lesson but I want to move on but can’t.

So me M21 and my gf F20 have been together for 4 years, we are going thru something right now that I hate and it’s my fault.
About a year ago she found out I was watching adult sites, and when she found out, i lied to her about it over and over. It really upset her, she sees it as if I cheated on her because I’m getting off to other women, and I don’t blame her at all for thinking of it that way but i also lied. After it happened we almost completely broke up. It hurt her in an unimaginable way and it hurt me to see her like that. I told her that I promise I would never do it again and that I would never lie about anything. She gave me a chance and I was so good about it, I took advantage of the chance she gave me I was reassuring her everyday telling her I would never hurt her again, and it all went well I rebuilt her trust. Fast forward to now, about 2 weeks ago I did it again, knowing the cost of my actions, I still did it. She found out. I know in my heart that I don’t deserve her, she is everything a man could ask for. But I need to show her that I can take full accountability. If i really want to prove to her that I can change it needs to be something other than just words, I need to take action. This may be a pathetic question to ask. But what should I do? I know I will never do it again, and all I want to do is spend the rest of my life with her, have kids, get a house, have a family with her. I need to find a way to prove to her that after time and I know it’ll take awhile, that she can trust me and never have to think i’m doing something behind her back.

Any suggestion is helpful whether it’s hate, advice, or anything. I’m desperate for this girl.

F19. For a couple of years now I have been consistently doing this and I honestly don’t know why. Every time it happens I ask myself what I get out of it with no answer. It’s gotten to the point where some weeks it’s almost daily. I used to ask the men to come over but eventually it grew to where I’m giving it in cars or public bathrooms

Throughout high school and college I was asked out 8 times and I rejected each and every one of them. I asked out 4 different girls throughout that time span and I had a success rate of 100%. yet despite ALL this, I never TRULY dated. (I have twice but they were too short and don't really count)

Well, why? I am not normal. I will try not to trauma dump but I am neurodivergent, my parents aren't normal, the circumstances from I was from wasn't normal (my parents didn't marry out of love but for power). NOTHING about me is normal. My entire life my parents told me: "No one will love you only us", "You aren't competent enough", etc. I slowly became crazier, I lost my sanity, and became fetishized in school.

When people asked me out I was skeptical. I honestly think I'm a 5/10. These people have an idea of me, maybe they like me because I'm tall, attractive (I doubt it), or because I'm mentally ill. These reasons to ask me out isn't strong enough, they don't know me and if they did they would be repulsed by me. "Well wdym they like you because you are mentally Ill": this one time a girl from my class asked my number so we could study, THE FIRST thing she texted me was a selfie and a message saying: "I also like dark stuff, I like to go to the cemetery at midnight". I INSTANTLY blocked her. I don't TRY to be edgy I just want to be normal but I cant because these people have delusions about me.

TWICE someone asked me out and I rejected them because I felt like I just wasn't normal enough. What hits me the most is the times I asked someone out, they accepted, and I ghosted. When I asked these people out it wasn't because I felt attracted to them (I was little) but because I wanted to feel power. To feel normal. One of these girls was my type and we exchanged contacts. I ghosted her and didn't think much about it ever since. I then saw her again months later at the same place and made it clear that she was avoiding me. A year later I saw her with another man.

You might be thinking to yourself: "wow, what a loser, what a cuck". That's not it, I never knew her she wasn't important to me at all. If anything I was just like the women who asked me out NOT knowing all my sides. Actually, I knew enough. She was an international student, was doing work-study and was majoring in engineering. Compared to me who was ALSO doing work-study (I am a weirdo tho), who is larping engineering, mentally ill, and I am an in-state tuition guy (different levels of wealth).

I regret not dating as much as I could have. To be fair I put on a barrier because I am "not normal" and because I am mentally ill. I am being responsible. But why do I feel like a failure? Also when I go on the internet I see people having high body counts and dating whoever. Have I been approaching dating the wrong way?

Please bear with me I've even annoyed myself with this story. I was acquainted with this guy through work and after he left we stayed in contact. I grew fond of him and wondered if he felt the same however the stakes felt too high to ask him directly since we have friends in common that he was quite close to and I still work with them. I worried it would become a whole thing since they like to pry and ask about him in particular and my romantic life in general, even pushing me towards other male coworkers, making comments about my age and how I needed to settle down (I'm in my mid twenties and they're in their thirties and divorced which makes it all the weirder), asking if I knew anyone at all I could marry : an ex classmate, a family friend, anyone at all.

Anyway, eventually this guy moved countries and I found myself still questioning everything that happened so I decided I would try to get clarity from him then. As you can imagine it didn't go too well. The conversation went like this:

Me : i thought you likes me at first then irealized im bad at reading ppl haha.

Him : haha depends what you mean by like i thought youre nice and trustworthy.

Me : well thats nice.

Him : why do you ask.

Me : i just thought it doesnt matter anymore.

Him : i never did anything to make you think that idk why you woud think that.

Me : im not accusu=ing you of anything sorry.

Him : i didnt say that dont be sorry i just thought maybe i said or did something.

Me : its fine no problem.

Me : please don't tell the others about this conversation.

Him : of course it's obvious what's wrong with you.

Clearly it's a disaster but I've managed to somewhat get over the initial heartbreak and decided not to remove him from social media because I didn't want it to fuel the gossip. However, recently my birthday passed and he didn't say anything despite seeing the posts and stories about it. I don't really expect him to but it still hurt. I wished him a happy birthday when his birthday passed (albeit it was before that conversation) despite being mad at him and then he blamed me for not contacting him anymore. So to see it was this bad for him makes me relive the embarrassment over again. I ended up removing him from social media and recently a coworker came up to me saying he spoke to him. They haven't mentioned him in a moment so I guess the social media removal was the trigger or perhaps I'm overthinking it all because I feel embarrassed and watched.

I do realize it's all ridiculous in the grand scheme of things but it's a part of my life.

In my college time I left a very genuine person, just to fulfill my persona of living alone, but now when i look back , that was a foolish mistake i have made because once gone you can't get that person back especially the genuine one.

​

I genuinely don't even know where to begin. I'm so angry, disgusted and honestly in complete disbelief that I spent almost three years of my life with someone like this.

I met my now ex-boyfriend in October 2023. We were together until 2026. Throughout those three years, I was completely loyal to him. Never cheated, never entertained another man, never questioned his loyalty. I genuinely believed I was with a hardworking, masculine, protective man who valued honesty, loyalty and commitment.

OH, HOW WRONG I WAS.

I recently spoke to his previous girlfriend and discovered that we started dating barely TEN DAYS after they broke up.

But here's where it gets worse.

According to her, he came crawling back into her life a couple of months later, and they started sleeping together again throughout parts of 2024 and into early 2025.

WHILE HE WAS WITH ME.

And apparently, that wasn't enough.

I also discovered information suggesting he had started another relationship with a woman who later moved to Spain, beginning in early 2024. From what I've learned, that relationship may still be ongoing.

So while I thought I was in a committed relationship with one man, I was potentially sharing him with TWO OTHER WOMEN.

THREE WOMEN. AT THE SAME TIME.

What the actual fuck?

And suddenly, EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE.

Why he would disappear for weeks. Why I would sometimes see my own boyfriend only ONCE A MONTH. Why he never properly introduced me to his family. Why I was never part of his social circle. Why he never posted me on social media.

His explanation?

"Social media is bad for your mental health."

LOL. Apparently, social media wasn't so bad when it came to posting another woman.

He was always "busy working."

He portrayed himself as this ambitious, hardworking man trying to become a provider. Always talking about masculinity, femininity, loyalty, honesty, and how men and women couldn't just be friends.

The absolute AUDACITY.

There was even a period when we were apart because he supposedly had to travel for work. I now have reason to believe he was spending time with this other woman.

He travelled overseas, allegedly spent time with her family, and even talked publicly about learning their language so he could integrate with his "partner's family."

HIS PARTNER'S FAMILY.

Meanwhile, I was sitting in Australia thinking this man was simply busy with work and needed space to figure out our future.

I even introduced him to my parents because I genuinely believed we were building a life together.

I wanted marriage. Children. A family.

I was prepared to relocate internationally for this man.

And do you know what hurts the most?

I NEVER SUSPECTED HE WAS CHEATING.

Not once.

I genuinely believed he was traumatised by his previous relationship and needed patience, understanding and reassurance. I gave him all of that.

I defended him when people questioned his behaviour. My own mother suspected there might be another woman overseas, and I dismissed it because I trusted him.

Turns out, my mum may have seen what I was too blinded by love to recognise.

And as if the emotional betrayal wasn't enough, I also financially supported him when he needed help. I'm now dealing with a legal dispute over a significant amount of money that I say he owes me.

Imagine giving someone your loyalty, your love, your time, your emotional support AND your hard-earned money, only to discover that the entire relationship may have been built on lies.

I feel physically sick thinking about the possibility that he was sleeping with other women while maintaining a sexual relationship with me. This was the first ever sexual relationship for me.

I wasn't given the truth. I wasn't given a choice.

This has completely changed the way I look at people.

The man who constantly lectured me about loyalty and honesty may have been the most dishonest person in my life.

And now he's blocked me on almost everything.

Almost three years of my life, and apparently I was just someone he could keep hidden while living another life.

I cannot get those years back.

I cannot undo the sacrifices I made.

I cannot believe I was willing to uproot my entire life for someone who may never have been genuinely committed to me.

I know people will say, "At least you found out before marriage."

And yes, thank God I did.

But it doesn't erase the humiliation, the anger or the grief of realising that the person you loved might not have been the person you thought he was.

I don't even want him back. I don't want reconciliation. I don't want his excuses.

I'm just absolutely furious that someone could look me in the eyes, kiss me, tell me they cared about me, accept my love and support, and then potentially go and live an entirely different life behind my back.

I feel like I was the side chick in my own relationship.

How do people live with themselves doing this?

How do you preach loyalty while allegedly betraying multiple women?

And how do you move on from the humiliation of realising you were loyal to someone who might never have been loyal to you?

I don't know whether to laugh, cry or scream.

I just needed to get this off my chest because I am absolutely DONE.

EDIT : for those who have been very supportive and kind, thank you. For those who asked how stupid I could be, I admit I was stupid, I just didn't want to lose the first love I had. I come from Asian country where I found cultural differences to Australia is so much. I didn't have a relationship before to have the experience. To those who said this is chatGPT, yes the body is created by chatgpt, because chatgpt is the one I have been talking my sadness, my story for the duration of the relationship. It has got a full history of the relationship and what happened recently, all I had to do was ask to create me a reddit post as I needed support here . I have seen so many people get the support and come back after months saying all the support helped them heal. I am now a lot more intelligent when it comes to relationship. I did wish I had experience before to have my standards higher so I wouldnt have lost three years. Thanks for your support guys.

TL;DR: I spent almost three years being completely loyal to a man who, according to information I've recently discovered, was allegedly involved with his ex and another woman overseas during our relationship. He kept me out of his social circle, constantly disappeared, claimed to be busy working, and let me believe we had a future. I supported him emotionally and financially. Now I'm questioning whether I was ever his actual girlfriend or just someone he kept hidden.

They say 'hindsight is 20/20'. Folks laugh about those “I died once and Mom told me to walk it off” memes. I was raised exactly that way. It didn't matter what injury we'd incurred, we were just “whiny little hypochondriacs” and treatment only came if it were emergent. In retrospect, it's just sad that I've lived with this for 55 years and considered it 'normal', for lack of a better way to put it, for much of my adult life. I wish I could cry.

When I was 11 a great uncle passed from stomach cancer. Uncle K had been in World War II and was a horrible alcoholic, but on the rare occasion he was sober, he was the greatest guy, just a gem of a person. Uncle K was Earnest Hemingway's driver during his tour in Europe. Hemingway was no slouch when it came to substance abuse and best I recall he didn't like to drink alone. After Uncle K's funeral we were on our way home and as they discussed his life and lore, I started crying over the loss and of course I was humiliated for it. This was just one of the many times that I'd been admonished over my propensity to cry, and I'm not sure why, but that time it apparently landed somewhere, as I've not been able to freely cry since. Sometimes I can just 'feel' a room and almost get overwhelmed. I'll be the first to admit I am hypersensitive. I wish I could cry. I can tear up. My throat clinches. I can hardly talk. I might even cut loose with the occasional sob, but I can't freely cry. My Granny B was the same way and while I'd like to think I'm suffering something congenital, I tend to think hers was due to trauma experienced, too. She never said as much, but given her circumstances, I'd have to think it was more likely than not. I think it's a reasonable assumption for part of my issues since I seem to be locked into a endless loop of grief and sadness because I cannot grieve as I normally would. I remember when Dad passed. I locked myself in my bedroom and tried to just let it out. Nothing. A few tears. A sob or two. But the pressure. I felt like I was going to explode, in intense physical pain, but I couldn't just let it go and I finally just passed out asleep. So there's that. It's always there, it's never changed.

It started out as an innocent evening celebrating the holiday with Mom & Dad hosting a pinocle game at their house. My family's pinocle games were legendary, back in the day, running 24/7 all weekend. Nothing unusual, just a group of friends and family gathered for a great time. The adults were being a bit loud and rowdy (they weren't 'partiers', but“avid” players doesn't even do justice) and being next to the living room were interfering with our evening television viewing. It was late 1973 and we had a small portable black & white television in the kitchen, so we took it back to my and my brother's bedroom and set it on the desk to watch in a much more peaceful environment. Just for context, I'd just turned 13 and was the oldest minor in the house, and if anyone had any doubt about my future proclivities, I'll clue you in on the tale of the Wedgewood tea set I DEMANDED for my sixth Christmas.

Anyway, here we were, all piled on the beds in my bedroom, in the glow of the TV. There were four of us and as I said above, I was the oldest, and the only boy. Everyone settled in and started watching the sitcom of the moment and I even went and got some snacks (not much, though, because snacks “[were] for the adults”). After grabbing snacks and settling back in, I started watching the show. It was a really peaceful, warm, comfortable moment, a moment that gives you the warm fuzzies to think about, one of pure security. Looking back, it just seems so surreal now.

Anyway, I was on one bed with one of the girls (G1) and we were laying 'head to foot' as we watched TV. The two other girls (G2, G3) were on the other bed and we were all just watching the tube and shooting the breeze when G1 flipped ends, grabbed me by the shoulder and rolled me on my back and decided she was going to give me kissing lessons. I froze. Things get kinda fuzzy here as G2 and G3 left the room. Suddenly the bedroom light came on, exposing G1 mauling me and groping my junk with a free hand. Chaos ensued. The flashes of memory I have are how humiliated I felt when I was yanked out of the bed with my erection quite visible, though thankfully still in my pants. The next is Dad, reluctantly I think, took the strap to me with Mom standing behind him screaming 'beat him!” over an over, and “hit him again!” when Dad would let up. I had the privilege of watching G1 being beat just as mercilessly. I think this was the first time I remember dissociating, just yeeting off to the nether reaches of my mind to get away from it all. After that night the incident was never spoken of again, but it wasn't the end.

All of the above happened on a Friday or Saturday night. I don't recall anything else that weekend aside from the aforementioned assault as I think I was still just completely shut down in total humiliation. Monday, however, was interesting. Being an 8^th grader, we had to dress for physical education. I do remember things getting quiet in the dressing room and getting some rather fearful looks from fellow students, but at that point it hadn't even registered. The stripes didn't hurt unless I was dressing/undressing so for the most part I was oblivious to them. You see, the aftermath of that evening left me with thankfully temporary, but rather long lasting, 3” wide stripes from the razor stroppe Dad used. From my neck to my ankles I was striped like an old prison uniform. Up to that point I hadn't had a mirror available to actually look at my injuries and since they weren't a constant pain, I just ignored them. Monday's P.E. Class gave me the opportunity to see the object of my utter embarrassment. I had more stripes that stretched across my back and around my right side (Dad stood to my left) than I could bother to count and all of them were literally 3” wide mottled bruises with most having abraded edges. Good times. It also gave the entire class a good look at my back. I was almost dressed and ready to leave class before anyone ventured to ask what happened. I still remember the guy. Always struck me as a good guy, too, but he came to me at the end of class all deer-in-the-headlights and asked what happened. Without thinking I just said “I got caught in bed with a girl”. His eyes got bigger and from what I gathered afterward, I was legend, at least until we left the county at the end of the school year and no, we weren't on the run. My parents bought my grands business in the next county. They had a successful run, but Mom, even today at 90, swears it was the worst move they ever made.

That brings me to today. I'm now soon to be 66 years old. A couple of weeks back I was pointedly propositioned by a close friend. I froze. Again. It's taken me this long to realize it's the same thing, over and over, that when I'm in a one-on-one situation, being directly propositioned, and I can't just laugh it off, I freeze... even dissociate under certain the circumstances. Sometimes I'll just bolt. It also seems I have a mental block. I was discussing the whole ordeal with another friend at lunch last week and he looked at me and said “you were getting hit on all the time, I couldn't understand why you never responded”.

For the record:

I've never been in a committed relationship.

I can count on one hand the number of intimate partners I've had.

I can count on both hands the number of intimate encounters I've had.

I can count on one finger the number of times intimacy was reciprocated, it's also the only time I've been intimate in 45 years. (and I froze then, too).

There have been a few times I've tried telling this story, but I guess I always started from the wrong end. I was speaking to the result of all this and without context no one understood what I was dealing with. I'm done. Recent telling is the first time I've tried to tell this incident's story from the beginning, and even then it was quite abbreviated. This all happened decades before mandatory reporters and while some of the eyewitnesses are still living, all the adult participants except one are all now passed, and the last one has severe dementia. I really don't know what I intended to accomplish with this little diatribe, but I do know that putting it into words feels like a start.

It's been two years. And I still remember those moments where I ruined everything. I don't know why I'm so desperate for love. It never works out. He was the best guy I've ever met. He truly loved me, and if I had just stayed calm and not shown my jealousy, none of this would've happened.

I'm a very jealous person, and I get upset at everything, and my mind makes me overthink about everything. On that day I kept accusing him of cheating when it wasn't true. :(

I disliked when he hung out with his friends, and my jealous side wouldn't go away, and things started to fall apart to the point where he blocked me, and I have never heard of him since. I wish I had stayed calm. And not assumed anything. I missed my Bubba a lot. 💓 I'm so sorry. Hopefully I can meet him once again in another lifetime.