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u/want_chocolate 9h ago
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u/Greg-Abbott 4h ago
Semi related but I looked that dude up on Cameo for a birthday present for my wife and he's insanely attractive. I'm glad I didn't pull the trigger on it because I don't have flood insurance.
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u/Imaginary-Ad1636 8h ago
Those guys were slurping on asbestos and coke-filled Victorians, I think theyāll manage
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u/Any-Yoghurt3815 8h ago
Don't forget lead
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u/Tom_Alpha 5h ago
And arsenic
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u/spiritofniter 5h ago
And mercury/calomel!
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u/MehediHasanOmio 1h ago
Wait nobody said, "and my axe?" How? Why?
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u/sleepytipi 45m ago
Bc it hasn't been remotely funny for years now. When people talk about reddit and dead jokes...
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u/Step_On_Me01 3h ago
Fuck, current day vampires probably have 15 different kinds of poison resistances.
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u/boot2skull 7h ago
Itās cracking me up thinking of a vampire feeding on a random at the wrong time and getting high af
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u/TenebTheHarvester 5h ago
Thereās a system for it in Vampire: the Masquerade, a TTRPG where you all play vampires. Generally the drugs in a victimās system arenāt going to affect a vampire as much but itās definitely going to fuck you up if you drink at the wrong time.
You can also build a character whoās addicted to drinking from high mortals and seeks out more and more intoxicated people to drink from.
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u/thatshygirl06 4h ago
Spike said he fed from a flower person and spent hours watching his hand move
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u/barrygateaux 3h ago edited 3h ago
it's literally the plot for an episode of "what we do in the shadows" about a group of vampires that share a house on Staten island.
Season 1 Episode 6 "Baron's Night Out". they take the oldest vampire out to a rave and end up feeding on clubbers and getting high off it. you'd enjoy it :)
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u/boot2skull 1h ago
I keep meaning to check it out! Iāve heard itās good and I like that kind of humor.
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u/barrygateaux 40m ago
i liked the idea of mocumentary in a house of vampires from different eras of film arguing about stuff like washing up and generally bitching because they've been living together for centuries. plus the original film version is set in new zealand with a few comedians you'd probably know, so that's the best place to check it out and see if you like it.
the series is really enjoyable if you like the film. it's got different comedians playing the roles and it's set in america, but the idea is the same. i like matt berry in most things so it was a no brainer for me.
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u/CubanLynx312 4h ago
Imagine being one of the vampires in Twilight trying to survive on the blood of Portlanders
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u/rojotortuga 6h ago
I think a real good story can be written around a super high class Vampire (who can only consume blood and blood based items) Gets high for the first time after coming upon a stoner and Needing blood consumes the blood of the stoner and gets absolutely shit faced. Does not turn the stoner but becomes friends because they dont want there supply going away.
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u/Proper_Shock7249 9h ago
So ungrateful, at least he got all that for free
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u/BandanaWaddleDee0 8h ago
I have really high red blood cell count as a byproduct of some not so healthy choices in the past
Would my blood be the equivalent of high proof alcohol for a vampire?
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u/Lind0ks https://www.youtube.com/watch/dQw4w9WgXcQ 8h ago
probably closer to a really nutritious meal
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u/BandanaWaddleDee0 7h ago
Turns out I'm the vampire equivalent to Kale and Broccoli
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u/shadowtigerUwU 6h ago
That does make me think if anemic people would have the vampire equivalent to celery
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u/UnusGang 3h ago
If a vampire bites me do I still have to take my epilepsy meds? Like am I good or am I an epileptic vampire?
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u/Step_On_Me01 3h ago
Depends. Some vampires become as healthy as humanly possible + superpowers, other vampires just become constantly thirsty and pale, eventually ending up like an addict. Before you get bitten, ask what version of vampirism you'd get.
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u/UnusGang 19m ago
I think inquiring is the way to go. Iāll ask my local vampires before making a rash decision. Thanks! š§āāļø
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u/LGKouglof 8h ago
"It's a good thing i came here absolutely fucked on DMT!"
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u/_LigerZer0_ Cringe Factory 7h ago
Hunters the Parenting mentioned!
https://giphy.com/gifs/tnYri4n2Frnig
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u/PseudonymMan12 8h ago
Food quality for vampires has gone down too. They are all probably overweight and have high blood pressure too these days
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u/Responsible-South-29 10h ago
They drank the blood of peasants filled with lead and who knows how many diseases, they'll be finee.
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u/No_Parking_8198 8h ago
vampire see lad i survived Arsenic, lead , Asbestos and heroin over my lifetime your microplastics donāt do anything for me
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u/DeaddyManny 7h ago
To āquoteā a meme
āI was feeding on people drinking lead and radium for fun, do you think some Lego bricks will kill me?ā
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u/justin_memer 6h ago
I'm picturing a vampire hooking their victims up to a dialysis machine before feeding.
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u/Chance_Intention_927 10h ago
Vampires are gonna need a liver transplant and a rehab center before worrying about sunlight and garlic.
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u/rider_shadow 9h ago
Vampires lived through humans having asbestos, PFAS and lead/mercury poisoning. A little microplastics and meds ain't gonna do shit.
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u/MuseToSomeoneMaybe 9h ago
Im pretty sure my blood would taste like the leftover water after cleaning a carpet at this point to a vampire. Im on so many medications and my main source of hydration is soda.
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u/santathe1 9h ago
Haha! Thatās why I store my microplastics in my balls. They aināt sucking those outta meā¦unless?
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u/Mother-Jellyfish-497 7h ago
Na i wanna see one of the vamps who fed on folk who bathed in raidium and workt with aspestos
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u/King_of_the_Kobolds 7h ago
This is actually a plot point in the vampire film Only Lovers Left Alive, in which many old vampires are dying because impurities in modern humans' blood are fatal to them. The vampires still around have to be very careful about where and how they source their blood.
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u/Odd-Cancel-5893 4h ago
the confidence of someone saying good luck champ right before everything goes horribly wrong is unmatched.
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u/erickson666 Lurker 2h ago
"hey man, just be glad you didn't bite me right after i ate the "forever" weed brownie. I'm still getting effects from it a month later; and last time i checked, the one who bit me can't fly straight, still."
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u/LizardBub 5h ago
Isn't Tylenol bad for your liver? Why not take ibuprofen? What is that bad for? (serious) ((not vampire))
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u/Selorm611 5h ago
Tylenol (acetaminophen/paracetamol) is only bad for your liver when taken in large quantities. Most adults can take a total daily dose of 4g without issue. Overdosing on ibuprofen can cause kidney and gut problems too.
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u/Slickity 5h ago
Ibuprofen overuse can cause gut issues like bleeding.
Ideally you want to find a way to treat the underlying condition that's causing the pain instead but not everyone has that luxury.
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u/Mikeologyy Professional Dumbass 1h ago
Itās fine at normal doses. When you take too much, itās harmful. And the reason that fact is repeated so much (as it should be) is that a lot of medicines contain Tylenol (acetaminophen) without people realizing it cause they only read the brand name (e.g., DayQuil), so they end up taking multiple medicines with the same drug. Ibuprofen, if Iām not mistaken, is a little less of a risk cause I think the doses needed to cause harm are higher, but it can still be bad if you take too much.
TL;DR take the recommended dosages of pain meds, and read the labels so youāre not doubling up on active ingredients
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u/LizardBub 56m ago
Thank you!
I did not know that about DayQuil (I have not taken it in very long time).
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u/Apprehensive-Tone388 6h ago
The vampire came for a bite and left with a prescription, a caffeine addiction, and a lifetime supply of plastic
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u/Terrible_Stick_99 4h ago
Microplastics? I have been unalive since 1653, when humans practically drank lead paint. if asbestos did not kill me, i don't think the dreams of a lego brick will
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u/legit-posts_1 3h ago
There's a great bit in The Magnus Archives where somebody survives getting but by a vampire cause they're a heroin junky.
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u/HiddenAstolfo 3h ago
Dude vampires were drinking people's blood from the 1600, where we were drinking barely lead paint and bathing ourselves in uranium
It's not microplastics that's going to bother them
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u/Tripdrakony 2h ago
Vampires survived lead and asbestos and radioactive paint. A bit of microplastic is nothing to them.
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u/StevenStarkem 1h ago
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=rdEfjoCY5Zs&si=eqJ4b-djuFgd0X5u
The Vampire Lestat, Sam Reid, just sung about this for the TV show!
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u/AnActualChicken 8h ago
Dracula going from 0 to 'oh fuck the walls are melting and I can't feel my face!' real quick
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u/HazelMonroeXO 10h ago
bro wanted a snack and got the entire pharmacy