am I going to die alone

Like, as a woman, I get so tired when men are like "I can't even understand why women aren't lesbians, what do women even like in us men?" And then women go "big protector, angular features, uhh hands ✨."

Girl. Am I the only one on earth who goes feral for big beefy men when they're thick and have a big butt big thighs big pecs big biceps and that smooth large back and that solid smooth stomach, the fat betweeh the stomach and the back thats smooth and gym built?

And before you guys ask, no I'm not bi or lesbian. I don't feel anything for woman boobs or ass, I just don't (please don't assume I'm calling women ugly, obviously people who are attractive can exist in both genders, but personally they don't do it for me sorry 😭.)

Why? It's fine if others do but I don't like the uneven symmetry of the fat itself, the small back relative to the rest of the body (imo muscular men look "thicker" overall cuz all of the body is thick which I like, more mass I guess?) and the large areolas personally. And yes, I hate having to explain this each time that I'm not into them doesn't mean I'm repulsed 😭. Anywho, that was my 2 cents. I hate having to explain this each and every time but I do feel like a lot of men are badly socialized into thinking theyre totally undesirable.

One of my favorite things about him is how indecipherable he is. Where does the facade end or begin? This guy is essentially method acting ALL of the time. Or is he just being himself???

Did you guys enjoy You Can See Everything?

The royal Tenenbaums is a red scare movie

Probably schizo but I get the feeling that to be an a-lister you must first eat a baby or something like that.

we had been talking on/off on an obscure sapphic shitposting app for months. we both admired each others gumption. she lives in the next city over but had finally found an excuse to be in my area. perfect. we schedule evening drinks at a local dive bar.

the first thing i noticed when i got there is that she didn’t look like her pictures. nobody really does, which is fine, but it was clear her pictures were representative of her best days and this was not one of them. i was also vaguely insulted by her outfit. i love making a lasting impression, and given the occasion i had arrived wearing leather heels, a pock marked skirt, vintage corset, a fur shawl, and full face, plus my favorite perfume. she was in leggings and washed out thigh-length dress.

okay, fine. i was being vain and superficial. but these are ideas we had bonded on so i assumed the actualization would be mutual. whatever. i sat down and tried to run through the usual gambit of first date smalltalk. as the conversation went on she began reminding me of the outwardly opinionated nerdy boys i would hang out with in high school. she seemed reluctant to divulge anything truly personal about herself - outright refusing to talk about her favorite movies despite bragging about being a film nerd. suddenly, only about 30 minutes into the date, she asks if i want to go back to my place.

at this point the creeping dread that had been building up inside me was overwhelming. “i’m not sure. i’d rather stay here for a while and talk more,” i say. she gets very quiet, then grabs her purse and excuses herself to the bathroom. she must have been gone for 10-15 minutes and the whole time i’m finishing my second drink wondering if i’ve been dashed out on. when she comes back she’s flustered and her breath smells of butyric acid. our waiter stops by the table and she closes out her tab while mumbling something about drinking too much and staying the night at a friends house, then leaves.

the next morning i see a post from her on the app lambasting scores of people who only want to fuck her but have no respect for her time or personhood. i know it’s about me, somehow. i react to it with a frowning emoji and she deletes the post. we haven’t spoken since.

i can’t help but wonder how many people she’s bedded with this approach, and what kind of vibes i was giving off to indicate i would be one of them. i must get to the root of this and pry it from myself.

I’ve been seeing this eccentric professional lab coat lanyard girl. I chalked up her charmingly immature and eccentric behavior to the spectrum. She always wants monchichis and calico critters. She makes little crafts out of pictures of us. It’s really cute, but like a lot of her traits, doesn’t match the age and demeanor of who she purports to be. Not once did I suspect what I think I found out today.

Every morning I get a good morning text around 7 then she vanishes until the afternoon. Never get calls or pictures of her in transit or before around 3. Her lunch breaks (when we meet) are at 4pm. Before I started meeting her, she would complain about her lunch and I suspected maybe she was a college student living at home.

Now I get it. It’s not a job, but an afterschool internship. She hides her lanyard bc it probably gives that away. Her caretakers drive her around and watch her location, which is why she never brings her phone to our meetups, and why we have only ever met in my car in her lunch break. So many things about her make sense now.

Here’s what happened.

She pocket dialed me and at the end of a 3 min recording about something that smelled bad in the lab and how her nose doesn’t work, she asks her friend “are you ready for the quiz tomorrow? Well you took AP Bio, right? So you should be fine”.

My first thought was that she is pranking me (seeding the “accidental” pocket dial to fuck with me). I knew we were age gapping, which I was already iffy about, but, well, hopefully she’s at least an adult. Could still be a college student and budding girl boss living at home with strict rules, right? I’m going with that for tonight.

I can’t sleep

Edit: fuck I’m so dumb. She doesn’t even know how to kiss. I’m still hoping she’s 25, got bored, and this is part of an elaborate scheme to make me go away.

29 year old art hoe lite here! I don't have kids, don't wake up before 1pm on the weekends, can't set boundaries with this guy that's been jerking me around for 9 months, have PMDD that causes homicidal ideation, have body image issues that cause suicidal ideation and spend 4 months out of the year in a state of profound melancholy.

I have passively encountered some parenting related content by osmosis and let me tell you about how I am going to exclusively breastfeed for 3 years and baby wear like a !Kung woman, get only BPA free autumn tone Montessori toys and my kids gonna be eating lamb lollipops off the bone at 6 months. I won't even look at a slice of gabagool when I'm pregnant and I will read my child 20 books a day.

I knew about Democracy Now! for a while but never really listened to it. I like her style much more than Hasan, Sam Seder, and a lot of the YouTube slop I watch haha. There's a clear left learning slant to it but it still comes across as grounded and serious journalism instead of edutainment.

Are there any particular videos or interviews that I should check out?

It's so incredibly infantile being an adult who's afraid of conflict or disapproval. I'd feel better about it if it was motivated by some sense of altruism, but I'm honestly just too obsessed with how others perceive me and base my self-worth around it.

Whenever I'm around people I feel like an obsequious little snake because they always think I'm really nice, when really I just have a massive aversion to conflict, so I harbor all my judgment and resentment of others internally. I think most people who interact with me are talking to a completely made-up person more or less.

I actually admire people who are just outwardly assholes, because at least they have the conviction to be honest about their thoughts even if people dislike them for it. Even a good person is okay with pissing someone off if it means standing by their beliefs. I think being a people pleaser just turns you into an NPC who's incapable of holding any challenging beliefs about the world

dead silence beside the sound of my shitty 10 year old instant polaroid camera disturbing the deceased. found a grave of someone who died in 1899. made me realize my own mortality. also the fact i’ll never have enough money to afford a grave with a 12 foot granite hooded angel looking down upon me

Her reasoning was basically like the idea of getting new clothes for Christmas and just being so excited (and I'm quoting her here) "makes it look like you don't get nice things very often, kinda like Charlie Bucket"

Specifically if you live in the city and can hear the going-out crowd from your apartment

I never considered how ending my last relationship and doing the whole “be single, work on myself, develop better standards” thing would make dating feel impossible. It’s not like anybody I’ve tried to date has really done anything wrong they just haven’t done enough for me to actually wanna be in a relationship again. Feels like I need to enjoy my independence less if I’m ever gonna get close to somebody on that level.

I would say I’m a solid 7 and every guy I get with in my personal life is attractive, but I just got on hinge because apparently I’ve run out of places to meet guys but I get maybe 2 likes a day??? Am I that much of a personality hire??? And I’m a woman so everyone says oh hinge is where it’s at but evidently not??

When I was in High School, I had a few good female friends outside of my core group of male friends, same thing in College. As I got older, a lot of these friendships disappeared as the girls got into serious relationships/got married.

I've still got all my guy friends from back in the day, but shooting the shit with one of my cool female coworkers today made me realize fuck, I miss being friends with girls.

It's like an instant injection of an anti gender war vaccine. That, and its just way easier to have a real conversation about a lot of my less masculine interests like fashion and interior decorating.

Or maybe I’ve always been like this. My grandma just passed away about a year to the day my dad did. I spent most of her funeral and calling hours outside smoking cigarettes with my dad’s childhood best friend. He lamented about his loneliness, depression, how hard the loss of his best friend and parents in rapid succession have been, and how scared he is to die. He’s been divorced a couple times but is only in his 50s. His other frequent complaint is about how much he regrets not having children.

He was the only person at the services I really commiserated with, as terrible as it sounds. We drove to the cemetery together so we could smoke more. It was kind of just an excuse to talk to him more because it was weirdly comforting. I strangely enjoyed being the black sheep, puffing away while distant family members remarked they didn’t know I even smoked.

Some part of my brain started contemplating a Ghost World scenario in which I hooked up with this lonely father figure archetype. I’ve never wanted kids, but I figured he must need to date a much younger woman to fulfill his hopes of having one. Probably connected to all this is the fact that I’ve been drinking way too much and making other reckless choices. And yes, I am in therapy.