I’m 42F, husband is 47M. I can’t bring myself to do IVF, even though I’ve always dreamed of a family for myself. I don’t know if it’s the needles, the hormones, the procedures, the feeling of this isn’t right for me keeps coming up. I keep putting the needles in their packages next to my belly and I know I’m not going to be able to do this.

I met my husband later in life. Sometimes I think if we had met 10 years earlier, I could have had our family. The likelihood at my age of natural conception is low, but not impossible. This is the route we are going to “try” for instead. I have little hope. My husbands sperm has low motility.

I’m apprehensive about adoption. I have read all the forums around all of the issues with adoption, and how unethical it can be. We may explore being foster parents who are open to adoption, but first I need to explore my grief and process the unlikelihood of being able to grow a baby in my belly. I don’t need to bring a kiddo into these feelings of “instead of” having my own baby.

I’m sad. I think about what ifs. But that’s not life, is it? We all make different decisions and sometimes our dreams work out and sometimes they don’t. It’s all ok, it’s about putting one step in front of the other. If I had married anyone else from my past, it would have been a miserable life and/or divorce.

Thank you for being a forum to share, but do note I’m not looking for advice today.

Meal: avocado toast on whole wheat bread, pork sausage, and strawberries.

Link to previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/comments/1wtnin1/baby_has_an_increased_risk_of_a_neural_tube_defect/

I posted on this sub two and a half weeks ago that my baby girl received a test result that indicated she had a high risk of a neural tube defect (mainly spina bifida) due to an elevated AFP level. I received so many wonderful, reassuring responses from this sub that honestly helped me so much. I think the kind responses from women on here genuinely helped me get through the last two and a half weeks.

I had my anatomy scan yesterday, and all of the baby’s anatomy was normal — no spina bifida or any other defects. She is measuring a little small (20th percentile), but the doctors said it was completely within the normal range, on track and healthy and nothing to be worried about. (I am also extremely small at 4’10, and my husband’s mom is small too, so I feel like it kinda makes sense for her to be on the smaller side?)

The only thing they did note is that I have something called a circumvallate placenta, so that it folds up a little at the edges, and it is low lying, so previously a placenta previa that moved up a bit. The doctor said this might explain my elevated AFP level, as a slightly “leaky” placenta can cause it, but they are not sure. Either way they did not seem too concerned and recommended extra scans in the third trimester to monitor the placental health and baby’s growth.
What was most reassuring is that they said I no longer need to go to the Maternal Fetal Medicine Clinic — I can have all the rest of my care back at my OBGYN clinic.

I feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted. I spent the last few weeks researching everything about spina bifida (including looking up hospitals that will do intrauterine surgery to fix the defect and help improve the baby’s prognosis…) I was prepared for something to be wrong, even if it wasn’t spina bifida, and just kept trying to tell myself that we would deal with whatever she had and try to give her the best life possible. The idea that she has completely healthy anatomy feels so amazing that I’m almost in shock.

Thank you, thank you all again. You have no idea how much you helped.

Dinner is vodka pasta (well, without the vodka, so I guess it’s just creamy tomato pasta).

As the title says, for a few reasons.

- Together 10 years, married for 5. Lately my husband has been putting pressure on me to have a baby. For context, I’m 42 and already have a teenager from a previous relationship. He has no kids and I think he’s having a midlife freak out regarding having no ‘legacy’. I for one know that I definitely do not want any more children. Additionally, I would be the one who would be doing the majority of the childcare etc if we were to have one. I can literally think of nothing worse and have absolutely no desire to return to the days of sleepless nights, endless days and loss of independence.

- I feel like I’m not really appreciated. Not in a terrible way, I’m just tired of the day to day drudgery. Cooking, cleaning, washing and repeat. I don’t remember the last time he cooked a meal for me. I know he will say he is the financial provider, and this is true - he’s generous and pays for the majority of my bills whereas I only have a part time job. I’m just tired.

- I feel guilty for not wanting intimacy much anymore. Maybe it’s perimenopause, but I just don’t have a libido. I know this bothers him. I’ve got to the point where I just don’t even want to be touched anymore.

I don’t really have any close friends, which in itself is a bit depressing, but it also means I don’t have anyone really to talk to about all this.

How do I accept a without romantic love?

​I am 25 years old. I’ve never kissed anyone or done anything else. No guy has ever hit on me, shown the slightest bit of interest, or written to me on IG—nothing at all. Every time I’ve tried making a move on someone, I’ve been rejected. I'm the only one who has never even had a casual dating experience.

​Aesthetically, I take care of myself. I’m no model, but I’m average. All my female friends—even those less attractive than me—have had someone. Everyone tells me it’s strange that no one has ever liked me, but years and years have passed and still nothing. I attended mostly male universities and I had, and still have, male friends and acquaintances. However, some are in relationships, and the rest aren't interested in me romantically, only as a friend.

​In clubs, bars, or at other events, no one has ever shown interest in me, and the times I tried, I noticed what seemed like disinterest in getting to know me. I’ve always wanted to kiss someone, go out with them, hug them—someone who looks at me with love, who is happy to see me—yet it’s absolute zero.

​I realize I'm an anomaly, and I also realize it’s not a matter of meeting more people because I’ve changed cities, jobs, universities, events, venues—everything—and nothing ever changes. I’ve been trying for years and years and don't receive even a shred of attention. I thought that by taking maximum care of my appearance and meeting people things would change, but instead, nothing. And it’s not a matter of high standards either, because I’ve never rejected anyone in my life; I would just like to be liked by a guy I like.

​A partner was something I wanted so badly, but I’m realizing it’s probably not meant for me. I don't know why, if not for fate—sometimes pretty and smart girls end up alone for life, while bad people find love.

​The problem is that I can't accept this life alone, without ever experiencing what it means to love and be loved. I don't think I'll be able to be happy without it, so what do I do?. I don't want a life where I never experience romantic love, yet I have no choice. I’ve tried everything, and I’m tired of waiting for something that might never arrive or might arrive when I'm 50. I don't want my first boyfriend at that age. I just want someone to look at me through the eyes of love and want to be with me. How do I accept that it won't happen?

​And don't give me false hope or empty platitudes. Be objective and realistic with me.

3 years ago, I was in a terrible “relationship” dating a guy with major commitment issues. I lived alone in a studio apartment and I didn’t live near any of my friends or family. The guy I was seeing ended up going on an overseas vacation right before I had a throat surgery. After the surgery, I had some pretty serious complications and couldn’t stop throwing up. I was scared and alone facing medical complications I had no idea how to handle. He knew about the complications and how scared I was and ended up deciding to extend his trip for 2 additional weeks. During that time, I had a particularly bad flare up where I almost asphyxiated to death in my bathroom. In that moment, all I remember thinking was - it’s going to be hard for them to find my body because my door is deadbolted. Luckily, I managed to get some air back in and drove myself to the ER where I got the treatment I needed. I ended things with that guy pretty soon after that.

Now, I live in a townhouse with my boyfriend of two years. This week, I ended up having a pretty bad nerve inflammation in my tooth and I needed an emergency root canal. I told him and he immediately left work, drove over an hour to pick up my pain prescription and then picked me up and took me to the appt. He waited for 2 and a half hours and then drove me home and made me homemade egg drop soup, my favorite. Then we cuddled on the couch with our cat and watched tv while we ate the soup, feeling pretty lucky today :)

Chicken Caesar salad

Hello I'm a 21 female in USA who has been working for 5 years about to graduate from uni with a bachelor's degree, with no debt!

I need to move out from my parents to go to grad school, they are actively sabotaging my attempts for grad school and want to control me to be a stay-at-home daughter to help them with my disabled younger sister and their own aging.

I must move out in secret and will take any tips+help IN GENERAL PLEASE! Or words of encouragement :')

The logistics: grad school applications are not sent out yet but I fear of them seeing it in the mail especially when decisions come out in spring, where I get in helps me know where to move geographically, no licence or car, they have camera outside house, keep tabs of me and my belongings heavily, they monitor my bank acc

I woke up at 8:00 today. I didn't even have all that many plans. I was like "Oh I need to wash my hair. Let me fix my window. I want to hang up this picture. I wonder if my sweater from last year still fits. How about I text my mom" etc. etc.

Then at 1:00 I had to make the very hard choice between passing out from hunger/dehydration and peeing myself. I managed to avoid a crisis on either end but I think I need to start setting alarms for myself.

I really want to get this off my chest so apologies if it doesn’t make sense. For context, me and my mom have never been super close. She always made it clear I wasn’t what she wanted in a daughter because I’m introverted, like anime, and over all am “weird”, for lack of a better word. I’ve also struggled with mental health that she would ignore. At 15 (I’m 21 now) it all came to a head and I ended up running away one night and my dad had to pick me and my sister up on the side of the road and go to the police because she got really upset at me and drank a lot. Since then me and my sister have lived with my dad and she moved states away. I went to therapy for years and became very depressed and my anxiety was to a point it was physically painful. I would also go through point where I was mentally numb. Like I couldnt emotionally feel anything. Not really sure how else to explain it. Now I have a relationship with her and we have gotten closer but I still think about the past a lot.

So onto why I’m making this post. When my parents originally got divorced when I was about 6, their agreement for medical expenses was my mom was to pay for both mine and my sister’s medical insurance. When we moved in with my dad, the police us that, even though we were supposed to see my mom due to the custody agreement, they were not going to enforce it since they saw how we were effected. Even though we were gonna stay with my dad, she was still supposed to pay for our medical insurance. But she just stopped. For a while me and my sister were going around without medical insurance. Eventually my dad figured out and he basically scrambled to figure out insurance for us. We were constantly changing plans. At the time, we weren’t well off but my dad never had us go without. But that combined with an accident he had where he was in the hospital for over a month and then bed ridden for another 4, money was a bit tight. My mom on the other hand is VERY well off. Her job pays very well and she remarried to a doctor who is also VERY well off. Saying this to show that money is not a problem for her/them. But she refused to pay for my and my sister’s medical insurance. My dad tried to work it out with her but her stance was “I can’t see them, so I won’t pay.” She even thought my dad was manipulating us to say we didn’t want to go back to her, which is far from the truth. My dad means the world to me and has always put us first. No one in the world will ever come before me and my sister. There are far too many examples as to why he is the best for me to put here. He truly means the world to me. My mom never did any of that. Looking back, she was very self centered and almost used “being a good mom” as a huge part how her identity, despite her being horrible. For clarification, she never physically hurt me. Everything was mental/psychological and she did drink a lot.

Back to the medical thing. Even to this day, she refuses to pay. I recently had to go to the doctor of an issue and ended up getting some not great news. Nothing life threatening, just something that kinda bummed me out. And with that came with a bunch of expenses. Since I’m at college I had to pay for some that weren’t billed. I asked my dad if he could send me some money for them (I’m still in college so it’s not like I can really afford to not be reimbursed and he always tells us to let him know if we need anything money wise. Also he is a lot better off financially than years ago just to add.) He said that my mom was supposed to pay for them. I told him that she didn’t and I had to. He got a bit upset and told me to make a spreadsheet with dates and prices so he could work it out with her.

Making that spreadsheet got me to realize she doesn’t care. She never has. And I thought that after all of these years, her seeing how I was effected, us having to go to our dad full time, the years and years of therapy (individual and family), and her being away from us would make her realize that she effed up and that she should step up. But it still doesn’t register to her. She’ll pay for trips for herself, for bags and cars, she’ll even pay for us to go places. But she won’t pay for my medical insurance. Something you basically need in America (where I live) and it makes me sick.

Thank you if you read all of this. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense at times. I just really want to get it out cause I don’t really know who to tell right now. Thanks again ❤️

Food: beef tacos (they were SO GOOD) and cucumbers

Wedding meal: Chicken, Parmesan salad, and pumpkin ravioli (Wish I had gone back for seconds)!

To preface, I have been spiraling since my twin sister (both 29F) announced her engagement in Dec 2025. It's been on and off since then, but last Saturday was finally the big day. It was exhausting. I wish I were able to enjoy it more, but I just couldn't. If anything, it left me filled with more grief than happiness for my sister (and myself). Felt more like a funeral to me. And I feel guilty about it.

All I've been thinking about leading up to and after the wedding is the trauma I've endured in many facets of my life til now. My career, my friendships, my (non-existent) romantic relationships, my health, my finances, and so on and so forth.

These are just some of the things I've been spiraling about:

1.) My parents' divorce. My divorced parents were, of course, there, and seeing them together for this 1 event left a sour taste in my mouth. It's definitely not the 1st time I've seen them together in the same room, but seeing them together for a wedding felt surreal. There's just a lot of resentment and contempt I have for both of them, particularly my mom (who was physically and emotionally abusive towards my sister, brother, and I growing up). My dad couldn't do anything about it growing up bc he couldn't afford to raise us alone. We haven't cut her off entirely, but now as adults, we keep our boundaries set and have quietly quit her.

But I've realized that I still can't get over their divorce after 25 years. I was very young when they got divorced, but part of me still wishes that I had parents who still love each other and who can give me a good example of what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like. And when my sister announced her engagement, all I kept thinking was, "Oh no, this is a mistake" and "Please don't do this". I still haven't told her how I feel about her marriage, but I know I would just be projecting my own fears onto her. Seeing my parents fight all the time growing up, even when they were divorced, gave me a harsh reality about marriage and relationships in general. To this day, I can't stand to be around people who yell and scream at each other. I've pushed away this trauma for a really long time, but with my sister's engagement and wedding, it's triggered PTSD about this.

2.) I'm a 29-year-old virgin. Yes, you heard that right. I'm still a virgin at 29 and have never been in a romantic relationship. Went throughout high school and college without a boyfriend. And now, with my sister married, it feels like I'm falling behind and missing out. Even my introverted brother is dating someone from work (and he NEVER talks about his dating life with me)! I refuse to go on dating apps. I don't have many friends who can set me up. But I'm still questioning if I even want a boyfriend or husband to begin with because of all the damage my parents' marriage left in me. But at the same time, I crave that fairytale romance that I think everyone wants. And do men even want to date a 29-year-old? To some, I've already lost "half my eggs", and that would make me less "desirable" in the dating market.

3.) I feel like my sister has taken the "easy" route in life. Growing up, my sister and I both always strived to build careers for ourselves. Our parents always instilled in us the importance of education and money because we grew up with not a lot of it. But we got into great universities and got our degrees. Then COVID hit, and it has been hard to navigate the job market since. I remember my sister a couple of years ago always complaining about how she couldn't get a job. But when she did get a job in PR, she always complained about how she didn't want to work anymore and that she hated her bosses. Since meeting her now husband (who's around 15+ years older than her), she's essentially been a stay at home girlfriend/fiancee/wife. She volunteers for places, but she's not making her own money. She enjoys going to Pilates during the day and cooking at night. They have a house together; he makes good money, but it's all his. I can't help but think that she mostly married this guy for money and stability. He's not conventionally attractive at all. He's not that charismatic or charming either. And here I am, working a job making $19 an hour in SoCal, and I'm barely making it. I'm underemployed and working my ass off building my portfolio so I can get a better-paying job. Part of me is jealous, but part of me is disappointed in my sister for not living up to her potential. She's also become anti-feminist.

Anyway, I'm not really looking for advice, just more of a vent. But has anyone gone through this at 29? Has anyone ever felt miserable for seeing a loved one get married/ or felt miserable at a wedding? Any children of divorced parents who decided not to get married/ get into relationships? Or am I just making mountains out of molehills? This whole wedding ordeal has put my life into perspective and has made everything confusing and grief-filled for me.

I had a really bad experience at a new job and I ended up in the ER on a psych hold. I have always struggled in corporate environments and decided to say fuck it, a job is never going to put me in the hospital again. I have 3 part time jobs and I am so much happier, healthier, and even have more money than I did before. I’m just done fighting who I am and am so much better for it

I feel like screaming from the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out.

I'm incredibly frustrated and at my wit's end with the state of the economy. Before everything went to shit, I tried to be a "good girl" and do everything "right". I structured my career path to be a strong candidate within the job market by going to school for engineering and having absolutely incredible job experiences and internships. All of these things I honestly enjoyed anyway. I made sure I gave companies 3+ years of my loyalty and have garnered more than a handful of workplace awards for the work I've done, including being acknowledged for the projects I've succeeded in being acknowledged on the news. I've done all of this before even turning 30.

I've been unemployed for 2 years. Due to the incredibly ridiculous and dumb restructuring of food stamps, I can't afford food. Sure, I go to food banks, but they often give expired/spoiled one-off vegetables and canned goods no one wants or will use (such as canned tomato sauce, corn, and black beans). I try to make the most of what I'm given but can truly only get barely a week out of the items donated. I have reached out to my state about the circumstances I'm in to which they just send me a few job fairs happening, a box of cereal, and give me a career counselor who does fuck-all to actually help me land a job.

Apparently I interview well, but because of the state of this trash economy, I'm not landing a job. I would receive all kinds of backhanded compliments from interviewers and told many times I'm exceptionally great for a role, only to be ghosted or rejected. It has gotten so bad, 2 interviewers asked for my autograph because they feel as though I'm going to "be something great" in my future. When I try to lessen my experience, my education, and tailor my resume specific to the role, I still don't get anything. I've tried every single tactic there is and NOTHING is fucking working.

But, oh wait, you know what HAS worked for me temporarily? I changed my first name and race and IMMEDIATELY received interview requests. As a mixed race black woman, no one CAN NOT tell me race and racism is not involved in this disparity. Sure, it may be hard for everyone, but the fact I've had to make those changes in order to even be considered for majority roles is insane. I apply for jobs I think I'm qualified for, but told I'm overqualified for the role. So I apply for jobs I think I'm overqualified for and told I'm underqualified. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?! I'm losing my mind and crashing out big time with an empty stomach and a heavy heart.

Food: I don't have food so here's a picture of some spoiled food that's often donated.

My daughter’s left over dino nuggies

I have a two year old and a one year old. I love them both dearly and take spending as much time with them very seriously. I work part time and make pretty good money. My husband worked full time and made decent money, but after crunching the numbers we figured out we can live on just my part time salary…maybe I’d work a little extra here and there, but we could manage.

My husband was hesitant for a long time. He wanted to provide for us. But he worked long days five days a week. And he was just getting more and more stressed. Even home-life wasn’t enjoyable anymore. So I finally convinced him to quit. He gave a VERY long notice since he worked for a small business and wanted to train his replacement. Okay, fine.

The anticipation was unreal. I could see us finally slowing down and actually having time to spend together as a family. He would be home to help when the babies were driving me nuts. We could go to Costco on a weekday morning!!

Then, the opportunity of a lifetime dropped in our lap. We were offered a space to open our dream business. Something we have talked about for years but never thought we could pull off. And we got keys to the new space THE DAY AFTER he quit his job. He had one evening of “downtime”.

Now this is great. We are having so much fun, learning so much, actually enjoying the work we do. But I went the opposite direction of where I wanted. I wanted slow, more time with the kids, more time to be together while they are still tiny. And now I still work my other job part time, work our business part time, and work at home doing background work for the business. And spend as much time as I can with the kids. I love it and feel so lucky for the life we have. And I also mourn the life I thought I would have after my husband quit.

As Anne Hathaway once said “When you get a little bit tired, do you like the reason that you're tired? I'm really into that reason… I'll sleep eventually.”

I have Multiple Sclerosis, Diabetes T1 with heart/kidney/polyneuropathy complications, Epilepsy and questioning Endometriosis, along with other gynecological stuff.

It's all permanent, it never ends.

I don't do well at managing Diabetes at all. I am sick and tired of the injections. Of counting. Of everything about it. I gave up on counting. Food is a nightmare. I have been in DKA too many times to count. I feel like I'm so close again. I can never explain enough why I can't handle it, when so many people can. It's all torture. I want it to stop.

Multiple Sclerosis has stolen everything from me. I watched my father decline with it all my life, only to get it myself, too. Parents knew about my diagnosis but told me my symptoms were just anxiety. I could have started treatment way earlier. Had they just told me. It took my job. Then it took everything else, too.

Epilepsy hasn't been bothering me lately. But it sure as hell has put me through a nightmare, too.

I am out of breath for the most part of the day, if I try to do something. I usually have to lie down a specific way. My chest hurts all the time lately. It's very uncomfortable to sit down and I have no idea why. Turning my head around triggers nausea. It's been a big issue outside.

I try cutting a tomato and my hands aren't like hands anymore. I can just walk around 200 metres. I feel like my legs are being cut above my knees. I don't know if I'll make it back. I don't feel my hand. What am I even touching?

Gastrointestinal issues are exhausting. It must be nerve damage. Peeing triggers pain. There's stabbing pain in too many places.

I am useless. A burden.

I am isolated. I only talk to my mother and I wish I didn't. It's not what it should have been. I am unable to leave my parents' place.

I don't have anything to offer.

I am exhausted.

I've been hospitalized too many times to count. Now I go to the hospital for a monthly treatment but it has its own procedure, preparation tests and mess.

It leaves me even more exhausted for a week. Doctor doesn't listen. He usually doesn't. When I went blind from one eye and couldn't speak, he just texted to go to a psychiatrist.

And then, the gynecological stuff begin. Again. And I suffer for 2 weeks. I need so many painkillers, they don't work for long. Don't get me started on gynecologists.

All this just... drains everything out of me. They do not understand. They only yell and scream at me.

The fact that there's nothing good in-between somewhere, and nothing to wait for, is the last blow. It's all for nothing.

I cannot cry. There's just this pressure in my head, like it'll explode, but there are no tears.

I don't want to brush my hair, I don't want to shower or to even change clothes, I don't want to be seen.

Dinner is pretzles

I think i married and have spent the last 28 years of my life with quite possibly the biggest douche bag ever.

I caught a cold from my kid that has given my laryngitis. Other than the voice box I feel fine. When he finally got home after work can you guess what his first words to me were?

"Can you not fucking do that, I know you dont feel good but you know I hate that." Wrt to me whispering. Cause anything more hurts my vocal cords.

So my choice is pain or silence. And he is annoyed I chose silence.

I'll try to be concise. On the day of my undergraduate graduation, my mom told me after the commencement, "I will never come to any of your future graduations. Find someone else to be there for you." Her reaction was triggered by thinking that I abandoned her when I couldn't find her in the crowd (the entire stadium was packed with people). What really hurt me was the fact that she knew I was heading off to graduate school a few months later and would likely have future graduations. She said I ruined her "experience," as if it was her graduation not mine. That day was a nightmare, and I haven't been able to get over it. What is really infuriating me now is that she expects me to forget what she said and invite her to my graduate school graduation. I don't know what to do. Should I remind her of what she said and share how much that hurt? Or should I just pretend that I won't be attending it? I know if I bring it up, she'll pretend that it's my fault and that it's bad to hold grudge against one's mother. However, I also know that it would show her how her words have consequences. I feel so sad and bad for the 22-year-old me who wanted to celebrate that day.

I love Raising Cane's!

Is this a big deal? I get venting to others when you’re in a relationship and going through things. There’s been times where I’ve been frustrated with him and have talked about it to my friends and my mom. I don’t know why but him complaining about me to another girl just doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t know why. It would be one thing if it were his guy friends.

Lunch is meatloaf with potato and pasta salad

Sandwich is from my bodega, hash brown, egg and cheese on a roll.

My ex-best friend stopped talking to me 3 years ago out of nowhere. To this day I don’t know why. One day we were talking about getting together, the next radio silence. She was my best friend. We met in college and were with each other for everything. When my grandmother died and I didn’t have a black dress to wear to the funeral, she let me wear one of hers. When she got a role in a play I helped her run lines for hours until she had them memorized before rehearsals even started. We went to see shows together, celebrated each other’s successes and were with each other through sadness and disappointment. I thought she would be a bridesmaid at my wedding someday.

Today on reels I saw something about a vocal stim and it reminded me of something we overheard one day at school and would repeat to each other often as a joke and it made me miss her knowing that that joke died with our friendship. I made the bad decision to try and look her up and I found out she wrote and directed a play back in July, and I wish I could tell her how I’m still proud of her. Part of me wishes I had known about the play because I would’ve liked to go see it, but another part of me knows she probably wouldn’t have liked it if I had shown up there.

I just keep wondering what I did wrong? What could I have done to be a better friend? Why did she suddenly ghost me? I’ve tried to be ok with not knowing and accepting that whatever it was she probably did for her own wellbeing, but I still miss her. If she texted me tomorrow explaining what happened I would still want to be friends again. She hasn’t blocked me on anything, but she never really used social media anyway.

If I text her she just doesn’t respond, but it’ll mark as delivered. I know I’m stupid and desperate for hoping that after 3 years she might still think about me, but in my head she’s still my friend.

I was married last summer to the love of my life. We are in our forties, and have been together for a few years. I relocated to be with him, then we built a large house, then a vacation proposal and wedding and honeymoon abroad. He is a senior executive (though always in debt). I sold my company, left the new owners to figure out what’s next. We tried briefly for a Hail Mary baby, but I lost it on a flight to our family holiday vacation…we have two stepchildren who live with us biweekly. Incredible sex life, happy.

I’ve never “looked at” his phone, though I readily use it. One day, not wanting to grab my phone upstairs, I opened a browser looking for something with a “D” and saw two sites: doublelist and dayuse. I went downstairs to my computer. Pulling one thread upended my life and destroyed my sense of self.

A second, daytime life the entire time I’d known him. An amateur p*rn account, spanning years, with tens of thousands of followers, with multiple posts per week to have sex: on camera in the car the children and I ride in and help clean, at hotels, in adult theaters 40 mins away, in my guest bedroom when I was gone for two days to complete my company’s sale. Postings for any day he was traveling. Escalating to online videos, comments and public forum convos between him and a regional p*rn “star” - discussing “birthing” around the time of my miscarriage.

For years I’d have an infection of some sort every few months. Because of my work schedule, it was always rX’s through on-demand doctors online vs my own. I am very good about going to the doctor, but when you’re at a business HQ in another state pitching, you need to be able to hold your pee. I later learned he had been having unprotected sex with other women and then coming home to me. He blamed my hygiene on multiple occasions. I shower twice a day.

That day with the phone (before I knew anything else other than the two "d" websites), I sent him screenshots that led to him locking himself in a room, an acute psychiatric crisis involving a weapon, police intervention, followed by putting him in an involuntary psych hold for a week.

We had a prenup, separate assets. But my biggest one, MY HOME and everything in it? Half and half. Me currently unemployed. Other houses on my street for sale. Unwilling to lose EVEN MORE, I strategized. I am a best served cold type. I hired a lawyer, negotiated a behavioral agreement, and then spent months negotiating a “walk away” postnuptial agreement. Part of the strategy was straightforward: get stable, protect the house and the money, rebuild my career, and wait. If he actually changed, there might still be a marriage. If he cheated again, I would be heavily protected financially and he would have to leave.

Over the next six months he went to therapy weekly, recovery meetings monthly, almost read a full book on dopamine. I started a new executive job and am killing it, you would never know my life is this way. My sister was in a wreck and the ICU days before I started, is permanently damaged and consistently on my mind. The step children are on honor roll, and made their sports teams. I got an add’t puppy because I am terrified of my older one, my best friend, dying. We have separate quarters, but have sex far less frequently. I have had no infections. I live with a monster who I love, or loved. I am haunted. My inside thoughts are binary, either depressed or almost euphoric from something good happening and clinging to that feeling. My external presence? Bright and shiny, almost ideal. You would never know.

This past weekend, I decided to stop being haunted. I was starting to feel like myself again. Why not attempt to live fully again, enjoy our life while it lasts, let him ruin it, then bail with my ‘get out of this free’ card.

On Monday, he was fired. Part of the company’s perception was that he was never there and that supposed business-development activity was not producing results - so he was either bad at it, or not doing enough. His daytime car and hotel sex had caught up with him. He also owes me for the post-nup, half a recent vacation, I had recently stopped buying anything for him or the kids. He was slated to have a major, preplanned surgery two days later. We decided to go through with it because he does need it.

Since then I have been up throughout the night managing medications, water, food, the dogs, the house and my new executive job while he has repeatedly criticized details like whether his water had ice at 3am, why the groceries he shipped the day of surgery weren’t organized in their usual fashion, how I hate him because the protein shakes were refrigerated, and how me falling asleep sitting upright in a chair was preventing his recovery. I am choosing to be silent and preparing accordingly. I am not giving my assets to a monster, that is a decade of pain. I need to find a way to live around this until he breaks the post-nup.

Girl breakfast is takeaway lox, bagel and the tomatoes I grow.

P.S. I get the above it not a perfect solve. If you went from perfect to losing a baby, to you discovering some evidence, to your husband almost ending his life with police present the same day, to finding 100s of videos of him having sex with people online while he’s in a psych ward, to almost losing your sister, in a span of about five months, you may also not have all of the wherewithal you normally do. This is a lifeline I’ve thrown out given no one outside of a therapist knows about this situation. Im looking for those who understand and can help me by commenting about the nuance with some help. I’ve also had 3 people I love end their lives in the past, I don’t take lightly that I nearly had a fourth the same day I discovered this. I may hate his guts, but he has children.

TW; death
Turkey Bunwich

Well you may remember from this post

She’s gone. In her sleep this morning

August 13, 1941 - October 16, 2026

Goodbye Grandma, I love you

I have a new coworker and when you start working here they add you to the work groupchat. He was added to the groupchat and then a week later we finally shared a shift. He introduced himself to me and the next sentence was "I noticed your weird name in our groupchat and I was watching your picture too and I noticed that you look different, where are you from?". I wish that I was joking but I am not, he genuinely called my name weird and he confessed to watching my picture.

I am used to people finding my name for unique. I live in a country that is in a different continent from my motherland so my name is unique and the people here are not that used to foreigners. I say where it's from and he was just like "Oh I knew it!". When I questioned how he knew it he said that he knows the origins of it and I found that for strange because usually when people hear my name they assume that I must be from a different place that is more popular than the place I'm actually from. He then mentioned the province I am from and asked if thats my province.

That freaked me out. How would he know the exact province I am from? My country has 25+ provinces and if you asked me I wouldnt be able to name them. And my province is not at all famous, its so random. How does one know a random ass province from a random country in different continent? So I asked him "How do you know about that province?" and he tells me that he is just really good at geography. I feel highly sceptical of that. I later ask another coworker of mine who has a masters at geography if he knows provinces from my country and he tells me that he cannot name even one. So the new coworker knows my province but the guy with a masters in geography doesn't? And later on we started talking about a more popular country from my region and when I talked about the capital of that country he questioned me "What city is that?". How can you know a random province from my small and unpopular country but not know the capital of one of the most famous countries in that same region?

I have another coworker who also has a more unique name as well. He is from a country from my region so our names have similar roots. I go up to that coworker and I ask him if he has had any shifts with the new guy and if the new guy has asked any questions about what his name is and where he is from. My coworker tells me that he has had 3/4 shifts with the new guy and he hasnt asked him any questions about where he's from or anything like that.

So the new guy asks the foreign woman questions like that but the foreign man who is built and trains muay thai is not getting one single question about his upbringing and comments such as "your name is weird"??? Am I overreacting for thinking that this is weird? I feel like if he questioned my foreign male coworker I wouldnt feel as weirded out.

I think he searched me up on the internet when he saw my name in the groupchat. My grandpa has written some books so this might be how he has found out about what province I am from. And I know that people might think that its a small thing but I still feel weird. When I see someone with a unique name my thought is never "let me go and search them up on the internet" or "let me find out information about them and then make it seem like I know that niche information" or something like that. I dont know, I just feel uncomfortable because even if he has stalked me, why would he talk about it without caring about if things make sense or not? And why would he go into his stalking to the point where he was stalking my dead grandpa because theres no other way for him to find out about my province???? Like who does that???? Who stalks the grandpa of a random coworker they havent even met yet? Am I crazy for thinking that he might have stalked me on the internet? Am I overreacted for feeling uncomfortable and unsettled?

The picture doesn’t do it justice for how big this burrito was smh. Got this last night.

So I’ve been dating this guy about almost 8 months and last night I think I realized I’m mentally checked out of the relationship. I want to this restaurant last night to get birria tacos because they’re a comfort food now 😅 and there’s a guy that has been working there the whole more than a year I’ve been going there and I’ve had a crush on him the whole time.

Back in early March, his aunt who also works there, gave me his Facebook because she said she knew he wouldn’t do it and I honestly stopped going for a couple months because I had just started dating my boyfriend and I knew it was wrong to continue going. Well I started going again probably 2 weeks ago and last night he asked for my Instagram. I turned it down but I felt disappointed because I was in a relationship and that’s when I started thinking that I’m mentally checked out. I was on the phone with my best friend and we talked about it and she agreed that I might be but to probably talk to him about it.

A little context about my boyfriend real quick. I’m 22 hes 21 and I think his immaturity plays a part in why I’m like this now. I have a lot of trauma with violence and yelling from my childhood so I have panic attacks when people get mad and yell or throw and break things. He gets angry very easily when working on cars, or people cut him off or do stupid shit on the road and yells and breaks things or I once watched him key a car for cutting him off on the road. Or he hit another car for the same thing. Luckily I wasn’t with him but he did drive off. I’ve talked to him about this and I know having anger issues makes it difficult to handle but nothing has changed. He apologizes when it happens but I’m still affected by it.

I also have never been given flowers and we haven’t even said I love you to each other. I’ve said something to him many times about the flowers or just being thought of at random times like when he’s at the store and sees a drink I would like or whatever and he has since done a little bit but I think having to beg for it, ruined it. He also has a hard time “believing in love” because of his parents getting divorced after being together for a long time so I told him I would wait for him to be comfortable saying I love you to me but I just don’t think he feels it. 8 months is PLENTY of time to figure out if you’re feeling like that or not I would think and at first I felt impatient honestly and waited everyday to be able to say it and now I’m at the point where I don’t want to say it and I feel like that’s a huge red flag.

He also just went through a really scary time where he had a small procedure done that had complications that caused A LOT of pain and a full surgery to be done that was traumatic for him of course but for me too. I took care of him along with his mom while he was recovering and broke down a couple times from the fear the incident brought and the 2 year anniversary of my sisters death. But because of the location of the surgery, he can’t use his “downstairs” area so we haven’t been able to have sex for a couple weeks now. Previously, we were doing it deadass everyday almost and part of me wonders if there’s a possibility the feelings that I was feeling were just from that and now that we can’t have sex, those feelings aren’t there and now I’m not into him the way I was.

I don’t know. I think there’s a very high possibility I have bpd but I stopped going to therapy before we got that far due to the loss of health insurance so I do fear that maybe I’m just feeling so negatively towards him because of how I react to the smallest bad things that happen but I’m not sure. So I guess I just kinda wanted advice from the girlies on how to navigate this situation especially since I don’t have a mother figure to rely on.

Also, let’s say I broke up with him, I will not immediately try to talk to the guy from the restaurant. I have moved on quickly before and it ended terribly so healing would definitely be in order 😭

dinner was cilantro honey chicken with white rice and a cucumber salad.

i tried posting this on that one subreddit where people pretend to be moms for those who don’t have one, but for some reason mods deleted it before it even went public so here i am venting/looking for advice :/

so i’m 23. my mom died last year when i was 22. i didn’t get my drivers license until late in my life, so all this stuff that would’ve been taught to me by my mother is sadly not an option anymore. i’m also high functioning autistic, so i fear knowledge of things such as cars don’t come to me as easily as it may for other people.

recently my car broke down, and i couldn’t afford to get a mechanic (since i’m only making between 450-480 a week, sadly) so my boss at work, who also fixes cars as a side gig, offered to help fix it for me for a really low price. i accepted, but soon one issue with the car turned into another. then another. then another. now she tells me the car is basically un-driveable. it runs smoothly, but the check engine light is on and the timing chain could fall out at literally any second. so basically, i went from being told the car can be fixed in a week or two, to finding out i need a new car ASAP because i can’t get to work without one.

i’ve looked basically everywhere for a used car that’s in my budget (around $9k or less) with monthly payments of at most maybe 400, and doesn’t need a down payment, but it feels impossible. all dealerships say that they just can’t sell me a car with that budget. some said i could trade in my car and use the car as a down payment, but how do i get it to a dealership without spending all my money on a tow? this one place said i could trade it in for 500 and use that 500 as my down payment, since i’m quite literally living paycheck to paycheck and can’t afford a down payment currently. but again, how do i make it work? what if i tow the car there, they tell me it’s not in good enough condition to trade in/sell, and now i’m stuck spending another $200 towing it back to my house?

i have no guidance on something like this, which is something i desperately need. i feel hopeless. my mental health is severely deteriorating because of all this stress, i feel stuck and lost. i miss my mom so much. i just wish she could give me some sort of push that i need, a hug, advice, ANYTHING. i don’t even want to get out of bed anymore this is so detrimental to me. it’s starting to make me hate myself that i’m so broke, if that makes sense. i feel so lost without someone to help me. this is also my first major financing situation, so i’m a little anxious to sign or co-sign on a car as well and ruin my credit score. (which isn’t terrible, it’s in the 660’s, but i want it higher).

being an adult sucks. i’m in so much mental pain.