i care about my wife, daughter, mom, dad, sister, fam, friends

i send love to all beings and wish for peace on earth

beyond that though i don’t care much about much right now

like i have very little ambition and it feels good

just existing, or almost feeling like i don’t exist a lot of the time

my need to be special seems to be dying

who cares?

don’t give a shit about impressing anyone

don’t care about money

don’t care about status

i just do me

and i like being me

it’s chill

i let the world take care of itself

It bothers me that people feel they can talk to you anyways they want including family. I get sick of being tactful when saying how I feel (which I don't usually do) but other people are just brutally honest and don't care how they deliver what they want to say. For some reason, I have always felt I always need to be nice and kind. I sometimes or most of the time hold things in because I fear conflict , even as a middle aged man.

I am neurodivergent and loner. But I still get super hurt when people are nasty to me and my threat response goes off fast. How do I get over this?

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Sometimes, having nothing to do feels more exhausting than having too much to do. You want to start something, make progress, or create something meaningful, but your own thoughts seem to get in the way.

So you keep yourself busy, hoping that staying occupied will make everything feel a little lighter.

Have you ever felt this way? What do you usually do when silence becomes uncomfortable?

Long post. This is a very specific and bizarre issue and I honestly have no idea what the best sub to post something like this would be, so I apologize in advance if this doesn't fit here and would appreciate recommendations for a better sub to post this in. Long story short, I grew up very socially awkward, excluded, and bullied, with parents who also taught me weird rules for socializing. I felt like I lacked the innate social skills other kids had and always had trouble making friends and fitting in. Things took a huge turn in high school when I made friends who gave me a huge confidence boost, and my social skills completely transformed. Pretty much ever since and now at 22, I've been completely socially competent, make friends very easily, feel like overall I'm well-liked, and am completely comfortable with silences during conversations (something I used to struggle with a lot that made me act very awkward).

However, I noticed that I have this recurring issue every once in a while that I call "flare-ups" lasting a few weeks to months. Out of nowhere, either triggered by a minor awkward interaction or literally NO reason at all, my brain will randomly and suddenly start doubting my social skills, and then I inevitably continue to doubt myself, lose confidence and become anxious, become hyper-aware of silences in conversations (and am constantly feeling anxious to fill them, completely unlike how I normally am), and I end up acting stiff and awkward in front of people. I'm not able to talk to people and make jokes and just relax like I normally can and know I'm capable of, and this completely takes away my ability to be myself and chat and make friends.

It's infuriating because logically, I know 100% that it's all in my head and this fear has zero rhyme or reason whatsoever. It literally makes no sense: I can literally just continue being who I am and it would be fine, but instead it's like a double-whammy where I not only become anxious and unconfident in my social skills (again, for absolutely no good reason), but also become this super awkward and inauthentic version of myself and end up just having awkward hangouts. It's so frustrating trying to make friends during these flare-ups because I know I could easily talk to them otherwise, but I keep shooting myself in the foot against my will. Eventually these flare-ups resolve on their own and I'm fine for a while, but it doesn't matter how well I'm doing because another one can strike out of nowhere and it takes so little to crumble my confidence. I'm sure this is at least somewhat from childhood exclusion, bullying, other scars, and a weak sense of self-worth, but regardless it's an ongoing issue. What is going on, how can I stop letting it impact me, is this constant cycling something I'll have to live with forever, and can therapy or anything else significantly help? If I'm not in a position to be able to easily afford therapy right now, does anyone have advice on what I can do?

A lot of people suggest to "let it go" or stop thinking about certain events in life, but I consider it a part of who I am. I look at life like it's an experimental experience so I do enjoy analyzing. If I observe something interesting or unusual, which occur many times throughout each day, I might sit with it for quite a while and wonder why it was that way and then break it all down. Does it help me or others? I think so but sometimes I can't slow down and it might be positive or negative but if I find it interesting I will keep researching it, lol. So it's not like ruminating , more like, trying to understand. Anyway, that's my 2 cents, lol, have a nice evening!✌️

we're literally just here. in these bodies. on a ball of rock hurtling through space, orbiting an enormous ball of fire, in one galaxy among trillions. somehow we developed consciousness, invented emails and started worrying about what people think of us.

maybe we can all relax a little. none of us really knows what the fuck is going on haha

Actually listening to the old music or some other music that most people don't know and then when you're trying to make a point by showing this that you're different from other people but the actual truth is it's not that you're different, you're only trying to be different. There's a line between different and trying to be different. So don't make fool of yourself. Be genuine

I normally would over explain the whole story but I don’t even give enough of a fuck to type it out. But I’ve worked so hard for everything and think so fucking much on how to deal with every interaction in the most appropriate way possible. And I got fucked over on some shit that I put so much effort and time and energy into doing perfectly…in the worst way possible. And I think it just broke me. And i had a full ass break down on main street and then ranted to myself like a fucking lunatic crackhead and as soon as I was about to feel so humiliated for having such a public meltdown….

It clicked. Who gives a fuck if I’m crazy? Maybe instead of trying so hard to prove I’m normal i just fucking don’t. I Don’t want to lose my fucking mind but honestly? If I’m legitimately that unwell then I wouldn’t be aware anyway so fuck it. I have not felt my nervous system regulate in so long no matter how much exercise and actively working on myself and doing all the right things to be a healthy normal human being. I’m defeated and hopeless . I crumbled and I just finally said I give up. I thought that would be the most depressing moment I could ever hit. But I just don’t? And I don’t care. I haven’t had peace in my brain like this ever.