I'd like to hear some men's thoughts. I just found out that the guy I am talking to, for more than a year is married and had a child. The wife and him both agreed to have a divorce (they both confirmed that the papers are being completed before filing). Why would you possibly hide those major things in your life to someone you are talking to? Was it really possible that you are serious with the girl you are talking to while hiding those things?

Never thought I’d be divorced. I mean I guess no one does when they get married. But like I got married exactly 1 year ago today. Two weeks ago I asked for a divorce and my wife agreed after a month of an emotional affair that culminated in her leaving our home to go stay with this new woman who she’d been confiding in and calling her best friend and spending every minute talking to, talking about, and thinking about, even said to a mutual friend that she is so excited to “have kids now” because this new friend has kids. I asked her for intentional time together and she canceled our plans to go be with this new woman. Like wtf. I have no idea what happened. And she’s still denying that she did anything wrong.

So I asked for a divorce. And at first I was so angry and self-righteous. But now I’m just sad and lonely and facing down all the paperwork and the money and the responsibility for it all is falling on me. I spent all day crying today. Oct 18 was supposed to be our anniversary. I got a beautiful custom gift in the mail that I had made for her. I’m living in the bones of our marriage. She’s living with her new “best friend” who she met less than 2 months ago.

I feel like a failure. I’m so embarrassed. And I miss her and I hate myself for missing her.

So I’ve recently had fun with an ex from many years ago who wants to get back together. I have always been faithful to my wife of 18 years, but there’s literally no intimacy anymore. My kids are in HS. I’ve been thinking about ending it for years anyway…but - like a lot of us - I’ve never been inclined to because of the kids. I don’t really need advice on what to do….but how do kids react? Is it brutal or do they eventually figure it out? Sucks. The whole situation.

My wife (28) and I (38m) are at crossroads. I cheated two years ago. She's been amazing. we have two kids. 3 and 3mo. We are gear together.... As friends. As lovers, we suck. She's super into Christianity now and I'm just... Lost. I tried Christianity twice now. It's felt good until ME actually makes an appearance. I am bipolar, and have OCD, along with other things. I just want her and my kids to be happy. She continues to see the nest in me. I see the real in me. I've mentioned parting ways and she's either freaked or said our vows are stronger. I want someone else romantically - no one in mind, just different - what do I do?

I went on Amazon earlier this week and bought myself a gel kit that didnt need a lamp. I was so stoked, told myself I can do this, I need to save some money, its all good. I got my ottoman set, towel out, even bought some gel toe spreader things. Watched my show, focused, and now my left doot looks like I put white out on it. Since I left him, I havent broken down this much. I suddenly felt incapable, lost, lonely, tired, flustered and just overall convinced I cant do this. Why is it the little things?

I’m really struggling with whether to divorce my husband, and I could use some honest advice from people who have been in similar situations.

We have two children, a life together, and a marriage that I never imagined ending. But I’ve been unhappy for a long time. I’ve often felt criticized, dismissed, blamed for our relationship problems, and like my needs come second. I’ve questioned myself so much that sometimes I genuinely wonder if I’m the problem.

My husband lied to me about using cocaine for over three years. This summer, I found evidence that he was using, and even after I found that evidence, he continued to lie to me about it. Eventually, I caught him, and rather than taking full responsibility, he started blaming me for his use.

He specifically points to things like me choosing to read at night instead of spending time with him, not wanting to join him in the hot tub, or not giving him enough physical affection, sex, and massages. He says I abandoned him when he was at his lowest and that I was secretly considering divorce and taking beginning steps while he was suffering through withdrawal.

I understand that addiction is complicated, and I know I’m not a perfect partner. But I struggle with being told that my lack of affection or the way I spent my evenings contributed to his decision to use cocaine. I feel like I’m being made responsible for something he chose to hide from me for years.

When I started seriously considering leaving, things got even more confusing.

He says he has quit using, and he has become more helpful around the house and more engaged with our children. He’s making some of the changes I’ve wanted to see for a long time. Part of me wonders whether this is finally the turning point and whether I should give him the opportunity to prove he can change.

But I also caught him with a Tinder account. And I recently learned he was still associating with people connected to a situation involving a federal raid, including being with them when the house was raided. This was his dealer and supposed friend. I don’t know what he is or isn’t doing now, but it has made it difficult to trust what he tells me.

I can’t tell whether I’m seeing genuine, lasting change or whether he’s making an effort because he knows I might leave.

The hardest part is that I feel incredibly guilty. He tells me I’m the only person he has and that I abandoned him when he needed me most. I still care about him, and I don’t want him to struggle. I keep thinking, what if he really is changing and I leave just before things get better?

But then I think about the years of lying, the fact that he continued denying the cocaine use even after I found evidence, the blame, and the damage to my trust. I wonder whether I’m holding on to the person I hoped he would be rather than looking at the reality of our relationship.

My biggest fear is our children. I don’t want to break up our family unnecessarily, but I also don’t want them growing up thinking that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. I’m scared of making the wrong decision, and sometimes staying feels easier simply because leaving is terrifying.

I genuinely want to know how you distinguish real change from temporary change when you’ve already lost trust in someone.

For those who have been in a similar situation:

Did you stay after your partner lied about substance use for years? Did things genuinely get better?

How long did you wait to see consistent change before deciding whether to stay?

Can someone genuinely be changing while still blaming their partner for their addiction?

How do you know whether you’re giving someone a fair chance or just letting guilt keep you in the relationship?

If you left someone who eventually got better, did you regret leaving? And if you stayed, did you wish you had left sooner?

I’m torn between wanting to believe him and feeling like I can’t keep putting myself through this. I don’t want to give up on a marriage that could be saved, but I’m also scared of staying, trusting him again, and ending up right back here.

How do you make this decision when you still love someone, they seem to be improving, but years of dishonesty have made it hard to believe anything they say?

Has anyone gone through a divorce with a firefighter? He works 24 hours on and 48 hours off, and I have no idea how custody would even work. I feel like my life would still revolve around his work schedule, and I worry that our son wouldn’t have the consistency he needs. How would a schedule even work with 24 hour shifts?

In 11 days she is moving out; moving cross country.

These will be the hardest days because I am emotionally detached, and just done.

The divorce is amicable, paperwork is with the court. everything is separated financially. The only thing linking us is the house. Once she leave, I have a few things to do and it will be listed for sale.

I'm relocating as well. Kids are all 19+ and on their own.

I just want to start over.

Living with an alcoholic sucks

I've always told my wife the 1 thing I never wanted to do is lose my kids (create/have) a broken home & raise my children through a screen. I've taken my wife back after infidelity for these reasons & because I still loved her. Recently we've been arguing about what i feel is a bs reason (check my former post). I've had my babies for almost 19 months now (while stbx furthered her career as i was losing mine) and love them with everything in my soul. I can't bear the thought of them going away(stbx still in military) because I'm literally losing everything (career, family, grandfathers home i was willed down), i have to get my life back together! I know doing this will not prevent me for paying child support. But I also dont feel like I could look at them and not see the person whose done me wrong on multiple occasions. Neither do I want to only get them when its convenient for her as I will eventually have to get my ducks in a row and figure out what's next for me. Im almost sure she's having another affair and has just started back helping financially. Im at a loss any opinions or insight? Ik it sounds bitter but go easy as its just a thought for now

My Current Situation

I want to explain what has been happening in my married life because I have been going through a very difficult time mentally.

1. My Relationship
   I love my wife and have tried to understand and support her. I know she has mental health difficulties, and I have tried to be patient and sympathetic. Whenever something happened, she often apologized afterward, and I hoped things would improve.

2. Repeated Incidents
   Unfortunately, the same problems have continued. She has repeatedly shouted at me, insulted me, blamed me, and humiliated me in public. On one occasion, she came to my school and slapped me around 10 times in front of a teacher.

3. What Happened in Osaka
   During our honeymoon last Thursday, she suddenly became extremely angry while driving. She drove dangerously fast, stopped the car unpredictably, shouted at me for hours, lay down on the road in what appeared to be a suicidal act, and threatened to kill me around 10 times. The episode lasted approximately 30 hours, followed by about two hours of crying. Afterward, she returned to her usual behavior.

4. How I Feel
   These repeated incidents have seriously affected my mental health. I feel exhausted, stressed, and emotionally hurt. I wanted our marriage to work, but I am now worried about my safety and what might happen in the future.

5. My Decision
   We are currently separated. I have tried to be understanding because I love her, but I cannot continue living in a situation that repeatedly harms my mental health and safety. I am considering ending the marriage peacefully and respectfully.

I am not sharing this to make anyone hate or blame her. I simply want my family and friends to understand what I have experienced and why I need support during this difficult time. I need some peace, time to recover, and understanding rather than pressure or judgment.

Finally at that point and want to know if anyone ever regretted it. I’m basically a single parent of 3 with a 4th child. It’s not funny anymore when people tell me I have 4 kids. Only asset together is the house and talking to realtor about that. I just don’t feel bad for the kids anymore. I did before and it stopped me and now I don’t. Anyone with kids (teens) ever regretted the divorce?

I messed up. I got drunk and cheated on my now ex wife and after doing so i just thought about every little negative thing about my ex and i told her we needed to divorce. Now here i am almost a week sober and crying because i wish i could take it back but i know its far too late for that its been slightly over a month and i cant just admit at this point that i was drunk and going through some things and i dont really want this anymore. I want her back I miss her cuddles and laugh. Sorry for the rant

My (39/M) spouse (F) stated if I do XYZ, we’re getting divorced. Maybe out of spite. Not because of infidelity or drugs/alcohol, it involves financials. We don’t see eye to eye on our expenditures and I’m likely to blame for much of it. While I appreciate her for being a good mother and keeping the house in order, this isn’t the first time I’ve pondered divorce. As a couple, we argue a lot and romance hasn’t been there in some time. I’m also someone who’s generally happier and more motivated when alone.

My concern is for the kids (under age 5). I’d plan to continue living in my spouse’s home country until they’re old enough to travel alone. Maybe in 15 years because that journey to my home country is 12 hours away.

The custody part will be difficult (and sad). I try as a father but she is a better parent than me. It probably won’t be a 50/50 custody as I work full time and my spouse has a part time job (with extended family 1 hr away). Just have no idea what this looks like. 70/30? Every other weekend? While I don’t think our youngest will feel impacted, I worry for our 4 year old.

Is it uncommon to ask your attorney to be bcced on all emails he sends to opposing counsel, and be forwarded all emails from them to us

( of course only when it pertains to my case )?

Also if the other side makes a request can your attorney just respond without asking you? ( even as simple as an extension request)

My STBX (M57) and I (F62) were married for 22 years and have an 18-year-old son (this will be important).

We literally never fought, but would occasionally bicker. We had never discussed divorce ever.

Three months ago, as I was literally just waking up at 8:16AM (I had checked the time on my FitBit), he walked into the bedroom, stood at the foot of the bed, and announced that he had filed for divorce and had gotten and apartment. He had his car keys in his hand.

I was shocked. We had just spent an ordinary weekend, week, month together, talked about travel plans, dropping our son off at college, etc.

At first I didn’t grasp that he had literally removed all of his belongings from the house except his computer, clothes, and his coffee making stuff. I thought he was planning to move out. I got up, walked into the kitchen, saw the coffee stuff gone, walked into his office and his computer was gone, then went back into the bedroom, looked in the closet, and his clothes were gone. He had loaded up his car while I was sleeping. All of his other stuff? He must have been moving out gradually, probably taking things to his office at work.

I didn’t ask any questions because what was there to say?

The worst part is that he told our son two hours earlier. I believe that both parents should be there when telling your child you’re divorcing.

And then he left and drove away. I’ve been depressed, angry, sad, and lonely since he left. The divorce (contested, but no fault) is moving like syrup, so I’m in total limbo. I’m also retired (at his suggestion) and have no income. I’m living on a credit card for now, and he’s paying only the monthly minimum despite being required to maintain the status quo. He said it will “all come out in the wash.”

He’s since said he’s been unhappy “for a while”, and started seriously considering divorce last fall, when my son was a senior in high school. He said he didn’t want to mention that he was considering divorce because the “tension” would ruin our son’s senior year. I believe that he’d been planning to leave me as soon as our son left for college for a while.

There’s a lot more nuance to this whole thing but this post is already pretty long.

Edit: quit asking about the kids. I'm told to focus on myself by the literal state of Florida for the next year. If you knew the year I had, you'd understand. I cannot tell the full details due to pending criminal trials.

My wife and I are separated in a very public divorce that involves the criminal system, foster care, and the family court.

In short, she accused me of something awful because she was in a borderline panic. They bought it, and it ruined our family. They came back and arrested her when they believed me when I said she was lying. They put our kids in foster care to sort it out.

It was the most severe betrayal imaginable.

I won the kids in court, but I am keeping them in foster care because I am too traumatized to care for anyone else. I know the foster parents well enough to feel OK with it.

I'm gonna be honest, my feeling is just propose the kids stay in foster care for 2-3 years. I'd see them weekly and pay for their care. But, I'm devastated. I can't describe the feeling.

I wake up every day and can't believe she did this to us. I am in therapy, I am in codependent's anonymous, I am on anti depressants. I am barely handling my job, and I'm thankful I still have it.

Any thoughts? I feel like in 5 years I can get through this. But right now... sigh.

FWIW she served 2 months in jail for it. It didn't make it better.

Fyi I live in florida, we had no parenting plan in place, since June I've had the kids 50 nights and she had had them 51 nights she decided one day to just move 20 hours away, I have since lawyered up.. but is there any advice what to expect, or what I should do?

As per the the title , I heard it somewhere but don't recall where.

Anyone have any activated nervous system stories so I can draw comparisons.

The wife has asked to separate and won't try counselling. Diagnosed ADHD two years ago, two kids, feel like I'm always the problem. I am looking for conversation as much as advice.

I'm not divorced yet, but it's coming. My wife has asked to separate and doesn't want couples therapy or counselling of any kind, so I can't see a route back.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD and RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria, for anyone who hasn't come across it). It explained a lot about me, and honestly I hoped it might open up some understanding between us. It didn't. She never really asked about it, what it was like, what I was learning, what was helping. Conversations were mostly about her day and her stuff. In a recent argument I finally said she never asks me about anything, not even work, and her answer was that she doesn't understand my work so why would she ask me anything. That one stuck with me, because to me asking is how you come to understand someone.

I work from home, so most days I'm getting the kids ready in the morning, walking the dogs, doing the laundry, hoovering before she's back, cooking, and I cover the bills. I'm not listing that to score points. I chose to do it and I'd do it again for the kids. What I didn't notice was how far down I'd pushed my own needs while doing it. Wanting to be loved, wanting someone to be curious about me, all of that got quieter and quieter until I stopped asking. With RSD every knockback lands hard, so not asking felt safer, and I think that made me easier to overlook.

I own my part. ADHD isn't easy to live with and I'm sure I was hard work at times. What I can't get past is that there was no wish to understand me, and now there's no wish to even try.

We've not even talked yet, but she uses language such as "im entitled" to this.. such as money, and i can imagine in her head already she's thinking she will have the kids, and I'll become a visitor in the sense of weekends, etc.

So I'd really like to hear from people who've been here:

- If your partner wouldn't try counselling, how did you come to terms with it ending one-sided?

- For anyone with ADHD/RSD, how did you stop the "it's all my fault" loop?

- With kids involved, where did you turn first, and what helped in the early months?

I'm happy just to talk, too. It helps to know I'm not the only one.

Almost finally ready to be done after 8 years and choosing my happiness ! No cheating or infidelity on either part but had couldn’t keep changing myself to accommodate her demands! The worse part is she gets half of all my investments because she didn’t believe in starting her own retirement accounts, half of my checking account we were saving money in almost 130k and and she will be getting alimony while still working full time and living rent free with parents and utility free. I know per state I have to give her half but only getting 3k from her assets does seem unfair as I now have plenty of new bills but it’s worth it for the happiness! Anyone have any thing that helped recoup losing financially after divorce ?

My friend is about to file for divorce but her recent behavior lines up with yet another reconciliation with her husband. She has been married almost 8 years and her husband’s behavior damaged their marriage. She gave him another shot after he seemingly got it together but returned to his old ways. Well recently she stated they are getting divorced, shes done, etc. That was a few months ago. Now, she is acting distant again. She is doing things with her husband like going out to concerts together without their child, I am sure he is trying to win her over again.

My friend was there for me the past few months during an extremely traumatic event for me and I want to be there for her. But this inconsistent behavior and push pull dynamic is hard. I am sure she is torn, I am being patient with her and assuring her I am not judging her. I know she feels like others are. But there is tension in the friendship and she just changes as a total person when under the husbands influence. Ive been honest with her inbthe past, about his behavior and how I think she deserves better but it is her life. He isolates her from family and friends. She is just very defensive, doesn’t want to talk about it, etc. I feel like it changes the friendship dynamic alot. I need my friend right now. And I want to be there for her. But i feel like she just wants me to go along with the wishy washy behavior and I can’t do that. Its so confusing. What to do?

Hi, I have been married for 22 years. I have been with my husband since I was 16 years old. We have one adult child together. I have come to realize over the last couple years that my husband is emotionally abusive. This year has been exceptionally hard for us. I’m thinking it is time to end things. I have just had enough. I am tired of the manipulation and we have very little intimacy in our marriage anymore. In many ways, he revolts me and I am not sure I even love him anymore Other than as a friend. We live as roommates. I have told him I wanted a divorce a couple times over the last couple years. He always manages to talk me out of it. Tell me he will change, etc. but never does. We have been to marriage counseling a couple times he either stops going or for some reason we don’t go back. The reasons why I feel bad about leaving, which are making me feel terrible is because of our dogs, he will struggle financially without me. I am the breadwinner and I just have this guilt that I am ruining his life taking his home away, etc. when I think of being alone, I feel like a weight has been lifted and feel so much better. How do you get through the guilt and feeling this way even with someone that treats you like crap? I know we will have to sell the house and I will have to find somewhere to live with the dogs and adult son who is autistic. He will likely move back in with his parents 14 hours away. I have no idea where I will end up I do at least make enough to live on my own.

This summer, my husband out of the blue texted me he wanted a divorce while I was visiting my family overseas. He accused me of cheating, which I didn’t do. He filed, told me to move out, and said his decision was final. I got a lawyer, moved out, and we barely spoke for about three months.

At the time, I kept asking if we could please try to work things out. He didn’t want to and told me his decision was "final". He was extremely clear and final and impulsive/very quick to file.

Now, after 3 months and several rounds of legal fees (which he's paying), he’s saying we made a serious commitment to each other and should give the marriage one last try. He's been telling me he wants to work on things. He says he rushed into the divorce during what he describes as a manic episode (he has bipolar disorder and schizoaffective).

I thought I would feel relieved if he changed his mind. Instead, I have so many mixed feelings. Part of me still wants our marriage, but I’m angry too. I spent months grieving, crying, throwing up, being sick, and rebuilding my life, and now he's back???

Has anyone been through this and actually rebuilt the relationship? How did you feel secure again after your spouse had already filed and asked you to leave?

The divorce is still pending, and I haven’t decided what to do.

I am not divorced but want to be. My husband has blocked me from leaving several times. My mental health from all this has gotten really bad to the point I don’t see a point. I know if I get out I have a future, I just don’t see ever getting out. I have 2 girls who mean the world to me, but he uses them as pawns. Just venting but would open feedback. I was trying to get to a better mental place, but not sure it’s possible in this environment

I am planning on divorcing my husband. We’ve been married for 2 and together 5+ years. We have arguments almost weekly and explosive ones about once a month. I don’t feel loved or cared for in the way I try to express. I know he isn’t happy in the relationship either. I briefly brought up separating before and it did not go well.

He has severe anxiety, ptsd and depression(undiagnosed but very noticeable) I am his only support system. He has no friends and one family member that he may talk to about it. I’m afraid for his wellbeing, in ALL aspects. He has threatening stuff(if you know what I mean) “because I’ll be happy without him”. He has no support and I don’t think he will bring up his needs to people who try to be his friend at work. He is very dependent on me for emotional needs and take care of himself.

I love him so much, and I don’t want thing to happen to him. I know a separation will be hard but we are both really unhappy. We argue so much, I developed anxiety to the point of effect me physically. I had depression but i got meds and it helped. He has cheated multiple times. I’m also worried that he might take it nuclear. Which i want to take what I own and leave and he can keep the apartment and what he owns.

I have a plan on leaving, because I know if i just mention it he will emotionally pull me back.

I’m sorry if this is a lot but I have so much that I’m concerned about and I know I shouldn’t be if I’m planning but I still love him and I want the best for him in the end.