Anyone else use the Dil Mil filter “raised in” and select Canada, US, UK, etc only to still get people who weren’t raised here and they simply say “they didn’t know” that they used that filter. One guy who used it said he was a recent PR. But it happens all the time. Ugh. I know it’s a dog eat dog world on the dating apps but I used that filter on Dil Mil specifically and I’m only using free Dil Mil so it was a waste of a like.

In my younger years when I wasn’t as good at picking up such cues, I’d get their WhatsApp only for it ri start with +91!

Just wanted to vent here. Anyone else experience this?

I’m 35F in Toronto. If anyone else is an ABCD male (raised in Canada or US ONLY) you can shoot your shot. I’m not leaving Toronto though, so that’s a dealbreaker. Not looking for anything casual though.

Growing up, my parents had a huge desi social circle & was highly involved in the local temple. They also cared deeply about the desi community’s perception of our family.

I was pushed to be “good daughter”. My parents constantly emphasized that I had to obtain a prestigious STEM degree & land a lucrative job. I should not do anything that could potentially tarnish our family’s reputation or image like dressing immodestly, being in a “live- in” relationship, or speaking too loudly. They trained me in Indian classical music & dance to display my “cultural identity” to the community.

However, they are all huge hypocrites. My mom is desperately trying to set my brother up with a girl who has had multiple past “live-in” relationships, no stable job & zero musical talent . You know why? Cuz the girl is tall, light skinned, has sharp facial features, amazing hair & slim physique!! My mom turned down girls with MDs & multiple fellowships because they are darker!! Some of them had musical training as well…

Moral of the story: You will never win so live your own life & do you!!

Hello!!

I’m an Indian diaspora member living in the Netherlands. I was born and raised there so I speak the language fluently, but I really struggle with forming deep connections with the native/white population, and I’m wondering how you all deal with this.

A few specific things I run into:

●Lifestyle differences: Because I don’t smoke or drink, people often assume I’m "oppressed" or that it’s a negative issue, rather than just a personal or cultural choice. There seems to be a huge emphasis on partying until late, and if you don't join, you're out.

●The "White Savior" complex: I often notice people making patronizing assumptions about my background or family dynamics.

●Surface level connection: The conversation topics often feel very different, and with the current political polarization, it's hard not to feel a sense of underlying prejudice, which makes me put my guard up instantly.

●Eating: there is this unspoken rule in The Netherlands that you're supposed to eat a heavy meal like dinner only once a day but sometimes I eat my dinner during lunch time and they all look weird at me.

Lately, I've noticed I'm automatically assuming people might hold internal (racist) biases just to protect my own energy, but I don't want to become cynical.

For those of you in Western countries: How do you filter out the closed minded people and find white friends who actually respect your boundaries, culture, and lifestyle without trying to "save" or judge you? What do you talk about, and how do you build that mutual trust?

I usually have desi friends and friends from other minority places (Marokko, Turkey and South America) but I'm starting work in a dutch dutch environment (if you know what I mean) and honestly I CAN'T.

I will be visiting our local Indian grocery store today, so I’m curious what are some of your favorite things to buy? For me, I always need to stock up on new jar of spicy mango achaar.

like it hit me a few months ago, when was the first time my parents yelled at me? its been a thing my entire life. when was the first time they did it? did they think i was old enough to take it, or old enough for them to not be sorry about it? were they really screaming at me for being a crying baby in a crib? did they think that was okay? will they repeat this in front of my own child?

i dont exactly have kids planned in the near future since i want to establish my career and have a bit of a safety net first but i already know some stuff will change between my parents’ raising and mine. my mother never believed in formula or pumping for my younger siblings, and i don’t think i’ll follow in that. my parents were also pretty late to get us off bottles, which actually gave us dental issues. i think the one thing i cant decide on now (and is something to discuss with your partner when a baby is actually on the way) is infant daycare, for both of us we only started daycare when we were toddlers because they didnt trust a newborn in daycare and instead relied on grandparent support. which means of course my parents being there at some point of my child’s infancy. nooot sure if they’ll get it together within the next 5-10 years

I was caught off guard today by the number of these posts that are trying to set a narrative on the protests in France. I think this is something all of us need to take note of, because I'm pretty sure we'll be targeted in a similar way soon. Mods, I request you to not delete this post, just so that we can get an idea of what hate campaigns could look like.

I’ll never understand the concept of arranged marriages and I’m tired of the younger generation trying to glorify them, especially Pakistani communities. How have we not progressed from this? My parents barely know me as a person. I don’t want to get married when I’m older. I don’t want them to choose for me. Even if that means I die alone. I’d rather be alone than be with someone I don’t like.

I hate how when I talk about this, everyone is like “oh arranged marriages aren’t the same as a forced marriage” and shit like that. It’s more than that. Why would you want your parents to choose for you? Are you that incapable of meeting someone and making your own decisions? My parents have controlled every aspect of my life even as an adult. I’m too exhausted to argue or talk back with them because they don’t understand. Neither does anyone else in the south Asian community. I feel so alone. 

Could really use some advice here on how to deal with a fellow Desi coworker. He's a hardcore vegetarian (which I respect) but he preaches it to our coworkers. He also mentions stuff that you really shouldn't be discussing at work (e.g. health benefits of cow dung). You can tell coworkers are visibly uncomfortable. I try to mention that not all Indians believe in this but he tells our coworker I'm ignorant because I was born and raised in America. I'm indian myself but was born and raised in the states so am not as tapped in with the culture. He grew up in India but has been in the states for the past 10 years so maybe it's just a cultural barrier. How to handle this?

My wife and I are based in London, and I made a Hinglish learning app for my (British) wife, as existing apps would keep teaching her the formal Devanagari script.

So, when my wife and I started dating, she really wanted to pick up Hindi, and after a few months of trying pretty much every app out there, every single one had her drawing the Devanagari script, but the truth is a lot of us now text in English letters. And when she finally got an actual sentence, it was literally: "My horse is reading the newspaper." hehe. I mean it'd definitely get lots of laugh, but it was terrible for her confidence.

So, I decided to take matters into my own hands, and grabbed a whiteboard, and teaching her syllable by syllable coaching like the "aa" in "kaal" is very similar sound to the aa in "start", and we started using English as a disguise to teach her the phonetics, and build situational vocabulary and construct sentences together. We practiced everyday stuff while doing chores like laundry- she’d score how well I hung out the washing out of ten, and I’d score her saying "juraab" (sock) out of ten. 🤣

It was super fun, until she started going on long business trips, so I decided to turn that whiteboard into an app just for her, called Hinglish Vinglish, that classic rhyming habit we a lot of us grew up with at home: chai-shai, kaam-vaam. I later realised there's a movie called English Vinglish as well lol.

The idea was dead simple, convert the whiteboard situational learnings in English letters into a mobile app. The entire app is one big scrolling feed with easy bite sized lessons that you slowly build upon, with lots of fun bits like crosswords or worldes from words you've learned, keeping the learning engaging.

It was only supposed to be for one person, then one of my friends started using it, then next thing you know 1,700 people are using it now.

I just wanted to share my exciting journey with you all, and although the app usually has a 7-day open trial and then a one-time lifetime unlock just to cover my costs. But if any one of you want to learn or brush up on your own conversational Hinglish, or have a non-Desi partner trying to survive family dinners or hold their own at shaadis, I'd be happy to give it away for free to anyone in this sub if you'd find it useful.

If you or your partner do use it: once you sign up on the app, drop me a DM with your username. I’ll manually go in and unlock lifetime access for free.

You can check it out here: https://hinglish-vinglish.com/

Happy to chat in the comments about building it, the tech, or just surviving the chaos of family banter!

4 years ago I left med school due to mental health reasons. Only my immediate family knows. My other relatives/aunts/uncles/cousins think I graduated and am a doctor now.

I think my parents have been lying to them or maybe just didn’t break the news to save face. Idk but I want people to know the truth so I can move on and heal from this.

Like most desi families, my relatives are toxic. Very judgmental and quick to shame. I’ve avoided family events for these past few years to protect myself from invasive questions and triggers.

I’m dealing with shame and grief and regret but need to tell the truth to heal. Any tips on how to break the news? And tips on how to avoid questions during family events?

I met my second cousin and his family, for breakfast today, who stopped by a city near me on their way to go somewhere else.

He has two kids and one of them is like 12. I was talking to the 12 year old and she was listening to music. So her parents are from India, but she was born here, so there is a cultural disconnect there and she was complaining her parents don’t understand her music. I was like “hey give them a chance and explain it to them and they will” and I said it was the same for me growing up and what not.

Anyway I told her that they do care and was telling her how I got my dad to come with me to a Post Malone concert as a kid. She asked “who’s Post Malone”. And then when I was in shock, she searched him up and said “oh from back in your day uncle”.

Her parents were like “noooo, he’s not your uncle, he’s only 24, he’s an older brother, call him [insert word for older bro]”. But the damage was done. I played it off and laughed it off.

But I sat in that parking lot for like 10 mins bro. I am so fucking old. I knew it in my heart, and I feel it in my bones when I get back pain from sitting in a cubicle. I take a multi vitamin everyday and take melatonin and magnesium and go to bed before 11 PM on the weeknights cuz of work. I spend more time worrying about work and bills than I do thinking what I want to do.

It’s over guys. I am unc. I accept it. I told my dad about this and he was like “when I was your age I had left India” yadda yadda. Okay bro. Also, when my mom was 25 she gave birth to me. So thinking about this, I am old.

So if the average human lifespan for a guy is 75 years give or take, I am a third of the way through. I am basically 25, and it’s all downhill from 30, so it’s basically already over. I can already feel the grim reapers scythe around my neck guys, I have half a foot in the grave already.

All cuz Post Malone is outdated now. Smh.

Anyway if anyone needs wisdom, feel free to ask, I am at that age anyway apparently. Your uncle will help you.

Hey everyone!

I 23F working in the UK originally from South India, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to make friends and find my people here. It got me curious about the experiences of second-gen South Indians and Sri Lankans who grew up in the UK.

I’d love to hear what your social circles are like. Do you mostly hang out with people who grew up here, both British and British Asian, or do you also have close friends who moved here from India or Sri Lanka more recently? And do you feel like there’s a cultural connection with people arriving from back home, or can the differences in how you grew up and your experiences make it harder to relate sometimes?

I’m genuinely curious and don’t mean this in any particular way! I know that sharing the same roots doesn’t necessarily mean having the same experiences, and I’d love to hear how you guys see it. Just trying to understand things a little better and find ways to connect with people here:))

My current one is reaching end of life and wasn't that great to begin with. Desi genes so y'all know I need to use it at least once a week so looking for a reliable one. I have a short beard so need a trimmer that makes it easy to line up.

When I was a boy…I did get some toys from my mom and some of her side but it was not that often. Whenever I would get excited or happy over getting toys on birthdays or holidays, my parents would immediately ruin the joy often saying “Your studies matter more” “Why can’t u get excited like this over ur studies” I feel like there was definitely a limit on my joy and when I could get toys. Now I’m in my twenties but I remember being restricted from visiting the toy shops…especially once I reached 5th grade. What absolutely pisses me off is people saying “your parents sacrificed lot for you” Bitch like shut up, My parents did horrible control over me during my elementary years and I’m growing sick of people dismissing my frustration. I feel like they low key wanted me to be a more nerd kid but that just ISN’T who I am. I literally hated staying locked in my room flipping a stupid garbage textbook for 6 hours constantly. When I hopefully have my own kids, I will spoil them and buy shit load of toys. Because imo kids deserve a legit happy and fulfilling childhood. Not being thrown with unhealthy amount of academic pressure or stress, which is what mostly happened to me. I Hate parents who throw academic pressure on their kids at such young ages. Makes me get sick to my stomach 😡😡

These questions about my marital status have come up usually from outsiders and distant relatives in recent times. However, there are times I have realized that it is very likely that when I do end up marrying someone, it will not likely be someone who is Desi.

Considering how intermarriage especially among Asian Americans is fairly common compared to other racial and ethnic groups, it is actually quite common to find Desis who are married to Non-Desis. I am related to a few Non-Desis through in-laws and stuff.

The more this question comes up and the more I realize that due to various circumstances based on where I live and grew up and not having a close network of Desis, it is fairly unlikely that I will end up marrying a fellow Desi. Not that I don’t want to, it’s just extremely unlikely unless I bring someone from overseas.

And so I ask fellow Desis here who have intermarried out and I know there are quite a few here, how did you end up together and how did you make it work? What made you realize that you might not end up marrying a Desi? Did you have a negative experience with fellow Desis that made it difficult to marry a Desi?

Prior to Boy Throb, fourth member Darshan Magnum resided in India and did covers of various music hits. He’s been in sponsorships and Adam Levine, Rosé, and Bruno Mars are among celebrities who have noticed him (BoyThrobWiki).

Other members of the band are from various states including Washington, Minnesota, and Indiana. They all have some music background, either formally or through social media.

They seem fun!

Growing up I know many of our families were part of the local community organization. Ex: Gujarati of San Diego Association, North America Telugu Society, Apna Punjab Association of Bay Area etc.

As a 25 year old now (not married & no kids) - I was wondering if any of y'all join these organizations or even just attend the events alone (in hopes of meeting new people) or if they're basically reserved exclusively for when you have your own family.

Just FYI - I already attend dance classes, hiking clubs plus events I see on Meetup or Facebook so I am pretty comfortable going to things alone but I was curious if people our age attend these kind of events in the first place

22f. I grew up in a very conservative desi household and was always shamed for forgetting my “roots”. My dad was neglectful, he had his own bubble and he didn’t interact w the family much but my mom was the typical helicopter parent and was very abusive. My mental health throughout high school was extremely bad so I moved to another country for uni when I was 17. Of course that wasn’t easy, I had to fight my way out. My mom wanted to keep me with her so that I graduate uni and get married to some dweeb from back home.

I still visited my parents occasionally but every time I would go back home, my mental health would get affected and it would be hell for me. I still kept going because I thought it would be “different“ but I got disappointed each time. I’ve also been financially independent since I moved out so my parents can’t really “control” me anymore but they have a lot of opinions about my life and how I’m supposed to live it. I don’t even feel like participating in desi community or religious events where I am because it reminds me of the toxic household I escaped. It’s navratri rn and I remember wanting to go for an event when I lived with my parents and I remember being shamed and physically abused by my mom for a traditional outfit I wore because it “showed too much skin“. Idk if it makes sense but my perception of the “culture” or going to such events has forever been fucked because of how abusive my mother was.

I haven’t visited home in a year now and I probably will not go back anytime soon but it hurts how everybody has a place to go back to for the Christmas holidays or for Diwali and stuff or they have a support system. I’m trying to build my own life, I take therapy, I’m trying to graduate, I’m working on myself and my hobbies. I struggle a bit with friendships but I’m trying to keep myself open and also trying to be a good friend. I’m trying to build my own “home” but it still feels very lonely and lowkey scary as well.