r/comics • u/Practical_Hope_7718 • 13h ago
OC [OC] Romance blues
Forever in a toxic relationship with my imagination….
((Please be kind in the comments))
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u/DinDonDaaan 9h ago
I've been on both sides. It's exhausting for everyone.
I'm not saying people that feel this are immature or not emotionally complete, but it gets to a point where you have to face the person in the mirror. Kudos for the second to last panel, you don't need a real person to be happy. It's a plus, and a welcome one.
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u/JSchade 8h ago
I feel like people don’t give other people chances anymore. Like if people don’t immediately feel sparks fly on the first date then they abandon ship, but honestly I am extremely weary of those first dates with a lot of intensity right of the bat. They say the brightest flames burn out the fastest and I find it to be true. Real love is something that takes time to develop, and isn’t going to feel like a constant wave of intense emotions at every point. When I met my wife for the first time in person (we also met online) I wasn’t falling head over heels for her on the first date, it was in fact kind of awkward. However, it wasn’t terrible, so I continued to go on dates with her and my feeling developed from there.
I feel like one of the main reasons there is incentive to give up on people so quickly these days us because the dating market offers us so many theoretical “options.” So if something doesn’t click right away, we always have “another chance,” or someone else to turn to. But why think about people that way? It doesn’t seem fair. Is love really about trying to get the best bang for your buck, always seeking out a better “option” until you land on some magic dream guy that most closely matches what you imagined from the start? Or is love something that grows from familiarity? Does love mean accepting someone for who they are, despite them not being everything you might have expected them to be from the start? I mean I guess it’s up to every person to decide for themselves what love is, but I at least know what I want.
You’re probably quite young, not that I’m super old, but I think in time you might realize that the best things in life are worth fighting for, and sometimes giving a relationship some time to develop can be quite rewarding in the long run. And I’m not judging you, but just offering this advice as maybe a different perspective that could maybe help you in the future. Cheers.
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u/SeaGreenOcean25 7h ago
I have a three date minimum for men who do not immediately turn me off on the first date. It does take some time for people to not be awkward and nervous. But, if I’m not sexually attracted to someone after the third date, it’s just not going to work. I am not going to have another relationship with a dead bedroom so “no sexual attraction” is a total dealbreaker for me. I see sexy men around all the time, it’s just a mater of finding one who is sexy and also kind and also a total nerd who will play dnd with me.
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u/Alister151 7h ago
That was also my general rule, give it three dates and if the spark isn't there by then, it probably won't happen. Just so happened that I was completely enamored with my wife from date one, so I lucked out. But three dates seems to be a good number to figure it out.
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u/Sevenzeromelon 8h ago
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought this. It's weird to expect love at first sight its not a real thing. People focus on the feeling a person gives them and not the person. It sets these high expectations for this person, this real life person to be perfect when thats not what people are. It takes time to know and understand someone, some people click faster than others sure, but relationships aren't this immediate thing that happens and magically works out. Ik in OP's comic they do talk about it a tiny bit, but I think Im just tired of how dating cultures kind of just made people into vending machines for feelings
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u/Jynx_lucky_j 6h ago edited 6h ago
Granted I've been married for a couple decades so I don't have to worry about it; but if I was dating, as long as there were no rea flags and I didn't actively dislike spending time with them I'd go on at least a few dates to see if something starts to develop. I know it takes me a while to be comfortable and just be myself around a new person. So I would want to give other people the grace that I would hope they would give me.
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u/Practical_Hope_7718 6h ago
In this particular case, the decision was mutual. We both didn’t feel the spark, we decided to be friends. It was just jarring tbh because his personality seemed so different in text compared to irl when I met him
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u/jbyrdab 3h ago
Usually there's a difference in how people talk compared to how they type even if they act the same just vernacular and cadence changes drastically.
I have a slight stutter and a habit of skipping over my words, and my vocal pitch ranges from deep to middling basically at a whim.
Those don't really translate through text.
Conversations my voice could sound completely different, my consistency in my words my starter could just not be happening, there's not much consistency to it.
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u/gramathy 3h ago
I know I can be awkward and quiet when first meeting someone. I’m terrified I’ll at something stupid, or accidentally offensive, or something wrong.
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u/Shadethewolf0 9h ago
The brain gets a massive dopamine spike from wanting something. It's not so far fetched to say that you can get addicted to chasing it then.
There's a reason some people end up collapsing into delusions, stuck wanting things that'll never come (which, yeah just feels like modern dating in a nutshell)
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u/ProfessorSMASH88 7h ago
Also why lottery tickets are so popular. It's not the fact you think you'll win, it's the idea that for a week/couple days before the draw, there is this feeling of maybe you'll get rich. You get to live in a fantasy for a couple days.
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u/Pastaistasty 10h ago
I've both been like this and been on the receiving end. Meeting in person only to see her heart break.
What helped me is making the verbal distinction between love and infatuation. Love can only exist in a lived relationship.
The Great Gatsby has a good example imo.
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u/QuitePoodle 12h ago
This. You crush on the idea of a person rather than who they are.
It’s not just meeting via text first though.
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u/AlwaysBeQuestioning 12h ago
Relatable, yeah. This is one reason it’s good to meet someone as fast as possible, so you can see them for the person they really are.
I tend to fall in love slowly, but with my current girlfriend it went fast. One month of texting, then three dates within two weeks and feeling like she saw into the deepest parts of me and loved those parts for how they are. Made me want to be with her more and improve myself as a person for myself and her too.
Previous times it was because a lot of talking over text happened before meeting in person, for months, and the reality didn’t measure up because the text was somewhat of an act.
Words don’t measure up to actions.
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u/Cold_Bitch 9h ago
How long are you texting before meeting ?
If you have a tendency to let your imagination go wild, you should meet asap for coffee after the first texts and match
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u/Practical_Hope_7718 6h ago
A couple weeks I think. We would text every day before meeting irl
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u/Infamous-Oil3786 5h ago
I always try to meet within a week and ask for a date within the first day or two of talking. You're not going to get a real sense of who they are through text.
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u/cyanraichu 10h ago
Apps didn't work for me either but for the opposite reason. I just couldn't get into someone I didn't really know. I need to be in meatspace with a person for a while before I click with them, and I'm not really ever attracted to strangers. I went on a couple dates with genuinely nice, pleasant, funny guys and there was just no chemistry, and I wasn't ever excited about it. Using the app felt like a chore.
Unsurprisingly, I was friends with my husband for a while before we dated.
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u/wazitooya 9h ago
I think the key is to have no expectations. You’re expecting to feel something and expecting it to go one way. Let go of how you think it’s going to happen / how you want it to go, to see IF it will.
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u/Varied_nerd 9h ago
"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: 'It might have been'
-John Greenleaf Whittier
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u/SlyJackFox 4h ago
Ehhh … I’ve gone on dates with a lot of people, and over the years I narrowed down my first experiences to simple “get to know you in person” activities of about an hour long. I went for places that’d help spark conversation or elicit a shared new experience.
I found that watching each other interact with the world was far more interesting than just sitting somewhere having what amounts to an interview.
If that sparked any interest, friendly, romantic, or sexual, then I’d follow up with something that’d allow us to talk more, like a stroll along the bay or some such.
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u/AzureArmageddon 9h ago
Same. Different, but same.
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u/savingat30 8h ago
This was me too. I have someone right now, but if I didn't, lord knows I'd be right in panel 14.
I'm a little sad that the other comments are giving advice or criticizing the mental logistics (gymnastics) behind the comic. She ain't asking. She's just sharing. We all know it's crazy - I know it is, she knows it is, she literally made cherubs agree. But it's what she/we do.
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u/Linkinator7510 9h ago
I'm in a long distance relationship with my gf. She lives in Brazil, and getting to see eachother is hard and still hasn't happened yet. What I find helps is video calls. Lots and lots of video calls. It'll never make up for not being in person, but it can give you a much better idea of what that person is truly like.
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u/Alcohorse 12h ago
It's spelled "farce"
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u/International-Cat123 9h ago
While it’s mostly obsolete, “farse” is a variant of “farce.” Could be a case of localization.
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u/Alcohorse 9h ago
I doubt that very much
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u/Sacredless 8h ago
I made a point to save up to meet my long distance relationship within the year I met up with them, exactly for this reason. After half a decade, she's moved countries to live with me.
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u/ironballs16 5h ago
"For so long, I watched her at a distance. She went from a person to an archetype to an ideal... And what good is a God with a zit?!"
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u/Muted_Ad7298 8h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
The thing is, you have to set realistic expectations. Real relationships can be complicated, there’s a lot of compromises to be made, and a lot of trust is needed to build a life together.
People tend to idealise relationships, thinking that their partner will be the one to fix them, fill the empty feeling they’ve been carrying in life, or be the one that will listen to their every whim.
That’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone, so before going into a relationship we have to ask ourselves the reason for doing so.
Are you truly trying to find someone you’d love to spend your life with, or is it to replace a part of yourself you haven’t healed yet.
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u/World_Tree_Roots 10h ago
I feel like this type of behaviour is a surefire way of fucking up the person you were crushing on too because they might not understand that it isn't about them and internalise that guilt.
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u/kaloschroma 5h ago
I do this unfortunately. I JUST got over someone. My mind was so lovesick that after I saw it wasn't even reciprocated I had to up my anti depressants.
Doctor helped me realize that it isn't just my MDD but also the entire world is on fire making the bad things feel so much worse.
No real advice except don't give up, and Be safe. <3
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u/dicklord_airplane 5h ago
A lot of people go through this when you first try online dating. I certainly did back in the early days of dating apps. I recommend trying to meet people in person sooner and avoid having long in-depth text conversations with people for weeks before meeting them. You never know if you'll really like them until you spend time with them in person, so don't get attached to anyone online until you meet them.
Also, people are using AI to write messages for themselves so it's even easier to misrepresent yourself over text conversations now. I just assume everyone's a scammer or an AI demon until they actually go on a date with me.
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u/LovelyPotata 5h ago
I really like your art style, it conveys so much personality and I like the placement of text vs images. I'll leave it to others to respond to the content but I'm saving this for inspo!
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u/Practical_Hope_7718 4h ago
Oh thank you!!! 💖💖💖 I spent a long time working on it haahah I loved how it turned out
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u/MetaKnightsNightmare 4h ago
Over 20 years ago I was dealing with the same problems, online girlfriends being just ghosts of a person I didn't know irl..
Eventually I met someone in person and we built something together, we're celebrating 13 years tomorrow.
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u/PetiteCaresse 4h ago
I had a relationship like this, didn't see him before 6-7 months into the relationship, in love online, but then we met in real life'... Everything clicked and then more. He was a soulmate. He died four months ago and I don't know how to recover from that. Anyway, online love can be real.
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u/pungen 4h ago
My compatibility with another person feels more based on chemistry than anything and that's impossible to detect online. I don't know if it's just pheromones or what but feels like I can tell almost immediately meeting a person. I wonder if it's like that for a lot of people. Makes things extra hard in this current world where it's taboo to approach new people
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u/ratherinStarfleet 12h ago
Yeah, only ever exchange as many Text messages as it takes to arrange a physical date, everything else leads to this. Condolences.
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u/guillermotor 8h ago
I used the app as an icebraker, of course you need to get on the actual date to check on compatibility
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u/Eris_Exhausted 5h ago
Well this is reassuring considering I have a date with someone I met on a dating app later today lol.
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u/Subdued_Shinobi 8h ago
In 1984 there was a reoccurring theme of this kind of human connection being made diffiicult, or even impossible to achieve by the powers that be. They wanted everyone living in their own head, not ever truly experiencing the warmth that is romantic love. I used to wonder how that might possibly be achieved.
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u/toonfinch 8h ago
you need to meet people in the same circumstances you most want to hang out with them.
im an anxious shut in so i made a roleplay minecraft server. some people joined, and years later im planning on marrying the fool who fell for a guy who likes minecraft roleplay.
i will probably be playing minecraft with these people until we are too old to play video games anymore.
the point is: what do you like? people who like it too will be there.
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u/VladDHell 8h ago
Damn I feel for you. That said, I do not with someone like that on anyone.
I would be absolutely destroyed for a long time, if I thought I was building a real relationship with someone, and when we finally had the resources to meet in person they were just like “oof yeah, you’re not the guy I came up with in my head, this isn’t gonna work out”, would fucking annihilate my heart, just finally getting yourself to believe someone might be falling in love with you for you, and nope, just some guy they came up with all in their heads
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u/GloryBax 7h ago
Some gentle advice I find myself giving to one of my best friends regarding romance is to "not be actively looking for it."
Granted, I'm autistic, and stumbled into my long term relationship by accident. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I wasn't even looking for a new friend, but it was by chance that I started talking to him. We live on the same island, but at the time we were 350ish miles apart and under lock down restrictions, so we had to stick with the long distance thing for a while. And it was difficult! But we continued to choose each other. Meeting in person, finally, was exactly what I expected to be, not that I had many massive expectations. The thing with both of us was that we were exactly the same face to face as we were online with texts and voice/video calls. Everything slotted into place for us. We've been together for a total of 6 years and have a 2 year old together.
All that to say is that what people seem to forget with these dating apps, is that the best relationships start with friendship first. If you don't enjoy another person's presence on a platonic basis, then how can you be expected to build a romance with them? It's not that you shouldn't have wants in your head, or that you shouldn't have any expectations at all, but rather the connotations of meeting through a dating app automatically put extra pressure on words exchanged through text to be similar in person and that often isn't the case.
Fantasy is nice, but I found that leaving my fantasy at the door and instead letting what was in front of me unfold yielded the best results.
Also there is something to be said about societal pressure to find a partner, but that's not for this particular long comment.
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u/Aluwolf- 6h ago
Been there. Long distance flights to the other side of the country to meet people I talked to in months. They were always completely different in person.
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u/desiladygamer84 6h ago
Which is why unless it's a LDR (this happens with these too) you need to meet up as soon as possible so that the fantasy doesn't build up. It's happened to me too.
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u/Notmiefault 6h ago
I learned to not spend too long talking online before meeting because of this exact problem - the meeting always became an anticlimax because I built up the fantasy version of them too much.
My now-wife and I exchanged a small handful of messages before our first date, just enough to be confident the date wasn't going to be a complete waste of time.
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u/kawaiian 6h ago
Maybe look up BPD limerance, it definitely can be a doozy. Love the art style, I hope to see more of your work
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u/wayward_vampire 6h ago
This is why I don't ever want to form a relationship with someone online. I have so much more chemistry through text than in person lol
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u/moreKEYTAR 2h ago
If you are imagining flowers and running through airports, you need to stop dating. It is ok to be disappointed when you meet, but you are going way beyond that.
It is not healthy and does not actually allow you to meet the person in front of you. Projecting a future with someone you don’t know is setting yourself up for real grief and wastes your own time. Therapy might help reset your over-willingness to fall for someone; you need to be way less emotionally invested and evaluate people before you start forming attachments.
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u/Lifes-a-lil-foggy 1h ago
I used to suppress the part of myself that wanted a “fantasy” romance full of love and light. But she was in there under all the cynicism and the relationship I have with my partner is better than anything I could have even imagined. I had no idea what was possible.
I know you’re getting a lot of rational responses. Just wanted to say maybe something magical is out there for you. Even if it isn’t exactly like your first draft :)
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u/LongNailedbooboos 11h ago
I’ve never gotten butterflies from talking to anyone on dating apps. Everyone is fake to a point.
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u/noonemustknowmysecre 4h ago
Ha. Did YOU run across anything and leap into their arms? Confess ANYTHING?
I've been on a lot of dates and it's pretty damn clear the woman wants someone to chase after her like PepeLePew but isn't willing to even acknowledge that they have desires or want anything at all to do with you. They want to actively push them away. And in modern society? That's like half a dozen rape charges. No means no. Society is not built for these women.
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u/Relevant-Writer-5666 3h ago
TLDR he wasn't physically attractive enough for you. Didn't need a whole comic for that
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u/Honax_Xolbringer 2h ago
This right here. Wonder how many actually good people get passed or turned down simply because they aren't models in looks or build.
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u/shambling_mound 13h ago
You may want to take a break from dating apps and try meeting people in hobby or third spaces instead.