r/AskReddit • u/OakAndIron571 • 11h ago
What is a quiet realization you had about your life when you hit your forties or fifties that nobody talks about in your twenties?
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u/PleaseExcuseTheCrud 11h ago
You'll get to a point where there are diminishing returns on your career ladder. The monetary difference between certain levels just isn't worth the extra effort, stress and lack of family time. Work / life balance is paramount, and you realise just how quickly your little ones grew up.
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u/markfitzfritzel 10h ago
Im at this point now, my next step up would be head of a department but the pay isn't anywhere near enough for the extra stress and responsibility, happily ride out the rest of my career in middle management (if I can)
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u/OakAndIron571 11h ago
That is the absolute truth right there!! Chasing the next rung on the ladder starts costing you the very things you are supposedly working for in the first place. I watched my own kids grow up fast, and now my youngest is 25 and oldest is 28. Once you realize that time with the people who matter is worth infinitely more than a title or a bigger paycheck, everything changes. Balance and presence beat out the grind every single time.
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u/10vatharam 8h ago
Kid's in college, my work allows me to be at home when he leaves and when he's back from college.
Best 5-10m interaction everyday. me yelling do your bed, why is the wet towel on the sofa, finish your breakfast, you are going to be late to class, here's your lunch packed....kid's sanguinely does his thing and goes off. then back again a'noon, with me reminding him of things to do.
half my aim is to get a routine into him to be a self sufficient adult, from fixing lightbulbs, clearing garbage cans etc
back and forth, our favourite wisecrack to each other is
"you had one job" when something's not done yet,
hope he turns out alright.
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u/GGinzberg 7h ago
I'm sure you are an awesome parent, but it does sound like you are still doing the adulting for him in a lot of ways.
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u/HistoryDave21 6h ago
I was lucky enough to realize this early and even luckier to be able to act on it. My wife is the career-focused one, so I was able to have jobs that were flexible with time (and paid, well, accordingly). I got to see my kids grow up. I was the PTA parent, the one who picked them up from school, who went to the concerts and the soccer games. My wife was the fun parent that they went to when they wanted entertainment, but I was the comfort parent they sought out when they were sad. They're adults now and on their own, so I can be full time (or more than full time sometimes) in my niche without missing anything. I made enough money at what I did but I never ascended any ladders and I count myself fortunate. I am wealthy in everything but money.
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u/peepeeinthepotty 8h ago
Here here. Also hard lesson that not everyone is built to manage people and thatās ok.
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u/dangerousrocks 9h ago
I'll caveat the pay thing. For a lot of careers as you move from middle to upper management and even sometimes to executive you don't see a big boost in salary, but you'll often see a boost in bonuses and perks.
If that's still worth trading for family time is up to the individual to decide.
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u/10vatharam 8h ago
you'll often see a boost in bonuses and perks
yeah but it's stock ESOP/RSUs is where it's at.
my cousin quit MSFT after 20 years; has a sizeable vested stock ~ 50,000 through a combination of luck and being in the right place. clears 100K$ in dividend income alone yearly.
He quit and is in India and Singapore. takes care of his old parents, super focused on family. quick commerce in India is atrociously good. 20min at 2AM for a medication delivery to home? Doc appmts in hours? MRI scans same day.
Just chugging along with usual old parent issues, kids studying etc
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u/Naojuanz 3h ago
A raise stops feeling like a raise once it costs you your evenings.
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u/Dry-Permission6305 2h ago
It took my first wife passing away and becoming a single dad for a couple years for this to hit home.
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u/ChaplnGrillSgt 1h ago
This is where I am currently at I'd my mid 30s. I've worked my way pretty much near the top. There are a few leadership roles I could move into but that would only be a 1-2% pay increase at best. I've busted my ass to get where I am, now it's time to chill and coast a bit.
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u/ELAdragon 10h ago edited 56m ago
Lose weight and take care of yourself. Physically and emotionally. Everything gets worse as you age if you don't. Maintenance is important once that new car smell wears off.
If you haven't figured out what your happiness is yet, step back, reflect, and figure that out. Then get after it as much as you really can. Repeat this process when necessary.
Money does buy happiness. However, sacrificing happiness for money isn't good. You gotta find a sweet spot (and yes, it likely takes some luck).
Acknowledge your good fortune and be graceful with yourself if you've had a run of bad luck. Sadly, luck plays a lot bigger role in life than we frequently like to admit.
In some ways, Deadpool has the right idea: Maximum effort (but have fun, too). Practice both of these things and get really good at having fun while also being a high effort person.
Read more. Move more. Play more. Love more.
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u/DAS_FUN_POLICE 9h ago
I agree with your third statement, but I view it more as, money doesn't buy happiness, money buys time and time buys happiness, however if you sacrifice all your time in the pursuit of money you'll never be happy
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u/ELAdragon 9h ago
It's more that money buys security. If you don't have enough money, there is an incredible amount of worry, stress, decision-making/sacrifice/willpower needed. People underestimate how much it matters to be able to just...order food, splurge on something cool, pay to have someone fix something, etc. When all of those things cost you mental energy or emotional turmoil, it adds up fast.
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u/sadtobeyourdad 1h ago
But for #2 remember that the thing that is your happiness can be lost/taken from you and when that happens you have to start over or pivot. Lots of people that find great happiness and purpose in their jobs and then they get fired. Parents that find great happiness in raising their children and then they grow up and move away. People that find great happiness in athletics and the great things their healthy bodies can do and then they get injured or sick or just old.Ā You can't just be a miserable fuck when your life moves away from your happiness, you need to figure something else out. Happiness isn't an end goal, it's a process.Ā
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u/ConvenienceStoreDiet 5h ago
Things go. They go faster and faster. Your physical health. Your mental health. Your ability to remember, perform tasks. Your emotional load from an accumulated life will be heavier. You will probably lose your ability to laugh at the same things you used to just from being wiser. The things you loved will be outdated. Your friends will go. Your things will go. Your loved ones will go. It will be year after year after year of watching things go. At some point you will say goodbye more than you say hello.
And what you have to do is keep moving forward and love what you have, who you have it with, while you're here. That appreciation matters so much more as you get older. The fact that you have another day, month, year. You appreciate the fact that you get to enjoy another sunset, another breeze, and you don't take it for granted.
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u/Altruistic-Ideal-277 8h ago
Nobody really cares about you outside immediate family and you are just a cog in the wheel.
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u/jerseydevil51 7h ago
You are an Employee ID, and you leave or die, you will be replaced with another Employee ID and the company will continue on.
Mom retired from her job she'd been at for 40 years and expected them to just fall apart without her. They hired a replacement and carried on just fine.
Her coworker, the Production Manager died at his desk in his 70s. Very sad for a moment, and then they replaced him.
Unless it's your company, it doesn't matter how "important" you are. We are all cogs in the machinery.
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u/FaitAccompli73 6h ago edited 5h ago
Mom retired from her job she'd been at for 40 years and expected them to just fall apart without her. They hired a replacement and carried on just fine.
Truth. My mom had a colleague "Jerry" who worked at the same school for 48 years. He was a teacher for 45 years and then, when that got to be too much, ran the school's a/v department for three years. Then, he decided to retire. Everyone said, "Oh, we won't be able live without you" and other similar sentiments. He'd just laugh and say, "Next year, people will say 'Jerry who?'" and while it didn't happen the following year, the year after that Jerry was, honestly, all but forgotten except by a couple of old timers at the school. Time marches on...
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u/WillowLocal423 7h ago
Nobody ever sat on their death bed wishing they had spent more time at the office.
Don't ever give them more than is required. Fuckin vampires
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u/YounomsayinMawfk 4h ago
Chris Rock has a bit about this, how he tells his kids before they leave for school, "outside this house, nobody gives a fuck about you, no one thinks you're cute or funny ... even some people IN this house don't!"
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u/TheDugoutPhilosopher 11h ago
You quit trying to make everybody else happy and live for yourself.
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u/Thertat94 11h ago
yeah that shift is real once you stop auditioning for other people. took me way too long to realize my own peace isnt selfish
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u/joeschmoe86 8h ago
Must of the things stopping me from doing what I really wanted were just in my head.
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u/maxfields2000 3h ago
Got a couple for you.
Love is not sex.
In your twenties you're trying to find people you want to get it on with. If you choose wrong, you won't have a life partner. You need some definition or kind of family ou can rely on as you age into your fifties. You, or people close to you, are going to start needing small amounts of support, and if you've not built strong network of meaningful connections and aren't sharing a life with someone who wants to see it through with you, you'll find yourself rapidly abandonded.
Friends are more precious then you realize
As your life goes on, you'll drift away from most of th epeople you think are critical to your life in your 20's. Your real friends aren't the ones that you "hang with" on friday nights getting drunk or high. Your real friends are the ones who show up for you (and you for them) when their life gets hard, and is not in party mode. These are the ones that will age with you, but their lives take them in different places. Staying connected is hard. Don't take that best friend for granted, invest in your friends ships.
Being alone at 50 is more terrifying than you may realize.
At 20 you have no sense of what "living beyond your means" does to you at 50
I'm not saying "start saving money you don't have" but you need to make very real choices about how you use your money. Just pay attention to the things you spend money on that won't matter in 30 years. Balancing "living now" against "living later". Unfortunately, you won't realize it until your late 30's. I could be retired by now if I had made better choices. Now I'll be working until I'm 75, if I can stay healthy and employed that long.
Regret is not a valuable use of your mental energy
You're going to make mistakes you don't realize are mistakes in your 20's. When you DO realize they were mistakes, spending mental energy on regret is not going to be valuable use of your time. WHat will be is making decisions that learn from that mistake, even small ones, every day until you realize your "regret" is a thing that taught you who you want to be now, and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Move towards who you want to be, not stick to who you wish you weren't.
You don't waste your younger years, you learn from them.
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u/Guilty_Captain_7880 1h ago
I've been alone since 16 when I left home and I'm 30 now. I can't imagine it can get much worse than this.
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u/maxfields2000 1h ago
The hardest thing in life in my experience, is finding people you can trust and build that bridge with. Some folks, like you, have the odds stacked against them and millions of reasons to not trust. Some people have it in their favor but don't recognize the bridges they are tearing down as they go.
It's hard. It's real hard. So when you find a friend it's worth investing in.
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u/HornetsnHomebrew 3h ago
Sleep. Insufficient sleep is not a demonstration of discipline or toughness, it is denying your body a necessary resource. Some folks need more or less than average, sure, but we canāt change what we need. The discipline is not getting up and working out after three hours of sleep, as I once thought. It is getting to bed at 8 when you have to get up at 4. Getting sufficient sleep enhances the benefits from exercise, elevates mood, enhances attention. . . almost everything good. Lack of sleep also damages you heart; the most common cause of afib is sleep apnea, which inhibits sleep.
So get some sleep.
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u/Black_Cat_Just_That 2h ago
I'm someone who needs more sleep than average. Ten hours/night is my ideal, but I can make do with 8 during the week as long as I'm not sick or fighting a bug. My husband is a short sleeper and is good with only 6 hours, so I was worried he'd want me to stay up with him/wake up early. If that was the case, it simply wouldn't have worked out. I would 100% have broken up with him because I'm just not built for that and won't tolerate someone giving me any pushback about a biological need.
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u/How_that_convo_went 6h ago
You start treating your energy as a resource.
When you reach your forties, itās the first time you really start feeling that energy drainā¦ or it was for me anyways.
In my teens, twenties and thirties, I used to be able to spring up and accomplish shit regardless of whether I was tired or not. I could summon forth the energy to do whatever I needed. That power starts faltering when you hit your forties.
All the nonsense I used to spend my energy onā¦ worrying, doubt, concern with what other people think of me, over-analyzing past events and interactions, anger, regretā¦ I had to let go of all that shit because the energy expenditure just wasnāt worth it. As a byproduct, I got so much healthier and happier.
I think about how much I could have accomplished if I moved through life like this when I was youngerā if I focused that energy on something constructive. One of the true injustices in life is that you donāt gain wisdom until the vigor of youth leaves you.
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u/Inanimate_CARB0N_Rod 3h ago
Honestly I felt this energy drain when having kids, and it persists to this day. My kids are still young, but they're not preschoolers any more. The energy never returned.
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u/jt004c 10h ago
That people in their mid twenties on down are still children. I don't mean that as insult.
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
I realized now looking at my kids. When you're in your 20s you're still trying to figure it out
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u/iambobanderson 7h ago
This perspective has helped me be nicer to myself about the decisions I made in my 20s. I thought I was an adult making those decisions but I realize now I was just a kid.
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u/ephikles 9h ago
I should've put some money in stocks or index funds right from the start. Nothing beats 'time in the market', so I'm already putting some money into my child's saving/investment account to give him a headstart... I try not to think about where I could be had my dad done the same, ha!
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u/DrMisterNobody 8h ago
Yeah, my whole I value experiences more than having nice things didnāt age well. Ā I wish I put some of that trip and concert money into any stocks or etfs at all. Ā
Great first 35 yearsā¦ not so much since and now a huge worry about my futureĀ
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u/FaitAccompli73 6h ago
Yes, the old saying is true...
"Time in the market beats timing the market."
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u/OakAndIron571 9h ago
Just think if we would have invested in Apple or Google. Holy crap pennies on the dollar wouldn't be hoping I hit the Powerball tonight š¤£š¤£š¤£
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u/MoreGaghPlease 8h ago
Picking winners and losers is hard. Looks easy in retrospect, but itās hard.
But the good news is that you donāt really need to.
If 30 years ago youād put $10,000 in an index fund tracking the S&P 500, it would be worth more than $200,000 today.
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u/Fatuity 7h ago
If youāre honestly still playing powerball instead of putting that money into an S&P ETF, your future self needs to come back in time and slap the shit out of you.
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u/AgeofVictoriaPodcast 8h ago
That work culture is mostly performative bullshit, and nearly all the rules at work are just stuff an obsessive senior manager read about. Whole chunks of work you look at and say āIām selling you the irreplaceable seconds of my life, and you choose to waste them on this?!ā
You realise thereās been a last time you carried your kids or read them a bed time story or even just hung out over coffee because they are learning to done or taking an exam, or going to a party or a p/t job. Part of you just rejoices that you had the good times and helped guide them to adulthood. Another part knows that precious days are gone and whether you took advantage of the opportunities or wasted them, they are never coming back.
You realise a good chunk of the world is cruel to you just because it can be, not because it has to be, but it justifies itself with āthatās how the strong isāĀ
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u/ilostallmykarma 9h ago
I'm 44 and for a male, typical lifespan is 65-75 and so I sometimes dwell on the fact it wouldn't be out of the ordinary if I died in 20 years or so.
Sometimes I do this weird thing where I mentally think about what I was doing 20 years ago from today to put in perspective how much time has passed and how much I have left.
20 years ago felt like a different world, 30 moreso.
I sometimes get angry at the realization that 1/3 of my life is devoted to work, 1/3 is to sleep and 1/3 is truly to myself, but not really, because I have responsibilities.
It makes me angry that we live in such a capitalist society and sometimes fantasize about a world were we all worked together and took care of each other giving us more time to pursue passions.
I was injured from work (and recovered quickly)recently and was off for 45 days but still got paid my full salary, so I got a sneak peak of a carefree life with no work (without the stress of unemployment ) and it was like taking off a heavy coat.
I felt lighter, younger, happier and carefree. I was more generous of my time with other people because I felt I had enough for myself. It felt like summer vacation again which I haven't felt since I was a kid.
I wish we could all live like that. I didn't realize how much stress I constantly carried, but it was just my "normal" and thought how I felt was just age or being human.
No, we aren't meant to live like this.
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u/various_beans 6h ago
I've been having stress problems at work, and they've asked me to consider taking 2 to 3 weeks off just to recover so that they can have "the old me" back. I used to be a crusher and got so much done with perfect reliability and accuracy, etc. Now, I'm burned out and it seems like I'm just trying to survive (albeit poorly).
What I want is to have the kind of "taking off the heavy coat" feeling like what you had, but I'm a bit worried to start this time off process because I'm worried it just won't work.
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u/ilostallmykarma 6h ago edited 6h ago
It has to be long enough that you consider the time to be a long time. A week or two wouldn't have done it for me, 6 weeks felt like "going back to work is future me's problem" it seemed so far away.
I don't get this feeling normally when I take a vacation. The next week is still looming like a Sunday into Monday.
Vacation is RELAXING
This felt almost spiritual.
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u/No_Investigator3369 8h ago
I do that dwelling thing too sometimes. but then it gives me a seizure. hooray 40's
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u/Wind_Yer_Neck_In 10h ago
In my 30s I realised that I had been caring a lot what random people in public thought about me. I used to be socially anxious about doing things alone or people thinking I was a loser for any number of reasons.
Then I realised that I don't really value the opinions of many people I meet, the average person is a total goober. So I now regularly go to the cinema or restaurants etc on my own, it's very freeing to realise you don't care what people think beyond your actual friends or some colleagues you respect.
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u/OakAndIron571 9h ago
Spot on. Once you realize most people are just bumbling through their own day and not judging you at all, the freedom is unreal. Enjoy those solo movie nights and dinners, man, because doing your own thing without caring what strangers think is one of the best upgrades of getting older.
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u/NextGen-Panic 6h ago
Discovering how many more stupid motherfuckers are out there than you thought makes it easier not to care.
Most people ain't shit, and they spend way too much energy projecting otherwise.
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u/rabbitredbird 9h ago
How cruel ageism can feel. Weāre expected to remain mentally healthy and productive through seismic changes in life while getting relentlessly shit on by people still on their parentsā phone plan, and thereās very little sense of that behavior being socially inappropriate in the West.
Iām not even to 55. Lost my best friend last year to drinking. My Mom died in 2021. Stepmom is mostly gone from Alzheimerās. Dad is 84 and slipping. You donāt know until you know.
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u/OakAndIron571 9h ago
Yep both my folks are gone I go back to my hometown and it feels like I never lived there
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u/ConvenienceStoreDiet 5h ago
If you don't work on it, it fades away. Your friendships. Relationships. Talents. Physical health. Mental health. You don't get to take it for granted as you get older. The ship needs maintenance regularly. And you become more and more aware of it as you get older.
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u/MattonieOnie 11h ago
My comfort is that that I love my life. I'm going to the 50 next year.
Through all the trauma and pain, I wouldn't change a thing .
All the bad made me who I am. All the good has made me less of a total douche bag.
I'm finally kind of a cool person
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
That is the absolute best realization to have. Reaching a point where you love who you turned into and can laugh at the journey makes every rough patch completely worth it. Welcome to the best years ahead because you earned every bit of that wisdom.
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u/MattonieOnie 10h ago
How old are you and why are you asking old people questions?
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u/steveguy13 10h ago
All the things you thought would never hurt all start to hurt. Like youāll wake up after a full nights sleep and your feet will just hurt for no apparent reason and it will be hard to walk to the bathroom.
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u/OakAndIron571 9h ago
Yeah no kidding... My sister had bariatric surgery back in the 80s anyway she had bone density issues and iron deficiencies because of it. She got up to use the bathroom one night and blew out a few discs. She's paralyzed from the waist down now...
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u/tango_telephone 6h ago
You may have plantars fasciitis. It's treatable with exercise and new shoes or custom inserts. Visit a podiatrist.
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u/steveguy13 3h ago
My point is I used to think all the aches and pains of old age would never happen to me, and at 40, can confirm that they are all happening to me.
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u/Calm-Bird- 11h ago
I feel like a lot of the āI can probably do that laterā stuff because almost an emergency when you hit 40 and itās no surprise it makes some people desperate.
Like you decide to wait about getting married or having kids because you donāt want to do it too young and you want to have more freedom
But then youāre 40 and you realize your options are now way more limited (unless youāre rich or something)
And even the math of it really becomes something that freaks you out: like āif I had a kid right now, Iād be 50 when they turn 10ā
It doesnāt mean itās impossible but has certainly made me wish I had done things a little differently.
Also taking care of yourself in general: even little things like talking care of your teeth. You will really regret not doing it younger when you were healthier
Everything becomes so much more of a struggle
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u/Careless_Walk_3756 11h ago
that every day is one step closer to death
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u/Questionofloyalty 10h ago
Mine is similar- but itās not me, itās others - itās losing people. I lost my dad recently, but shortly after my mum got a cold. I mean itās just a bloody cold but it SET ME OFF. I was crying my eyes out thinking what if the cold gets worse and something happens, I canāt lose her, cry cry cryyyyy! Eventually I pulled myself together and really very nearly had to slap myself back to reality. Itās a cold, sheās ok but I just have this fear on my shoulder because sheās old, you know? Our time together is shortened every day.
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u/OakAndIron571 9h ago
I know that feeling all too well.. I lost both my mom and dad all I have left is my sister.
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u/No_Network6987 10h ago
This. Yeah I am gonna die. This little sentence goes over most ( myself included in my younger years) people's heads. I am breaking down, motor neurons dying, slower.... It's fucking brutal, aging.
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
That is brutally honest and hits right in the chest. Aging is no joke and your body definitely starts sending you the bill for all those miles. I remember jumping off roofs now if be scared to death doing something like that holy hell.. But once you stop fighting it and just accept the reality, it weirdly takes some of the weight off. You stop worrying about all the pointless noise and start focusing on actually living the time we have left.
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u/Daily_Heroin_User 10h ago
But are you shorter of breath?
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u/Electronic_Lemon7940 11h ago
It is true. Death is something I thought about periodically when I was young, but being older certainly changes the perspective on this.
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u/OakAndIron571 11h ago
Not necessarily...I think I'm just closer to retirement and really beginning to live my life.
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u/MuteAsshole 10h ago
Saying your life will really begin in retirement is such an interesting thing to say after all the other things you've said on here about time being fleeting.
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u/TurdsOnThat 10h ago
Unless youāve found a way around the linear progression of time, each day is in fact closer to death.
If youāre waiting until retirement to really live your life you may want to reevaluate your priorities. Those āgolden yearsā are not guaranteed to you.
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u/kenc2211 9h ago
So you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but itās sinking. Racing around to come up behind you again.
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u/Kevin_D 4h ago
The older you get, the lonelier you get as everyone around you begins to die
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u/paddlefan222 10h ago
I was surprised how passive aggressively status competitive male relationships get in your 30s. In your 20s there's much more of a live and let live, less materialistic feel to life. In your 30s men especially get much more concerned about projecting status and whether they've been "successful", start measuring success more and more in terms of wealth etc.
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u/LowlightAesthetic 9h ago
Nothing really matters. I donāt mean that in a depressing way, but in a completely freeing way. Nothing matters, so get out there and have fun with it. Donāt take anything that seriously.
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u/YounomsayinMawfk 4h ago
Before I fall asleep, in my 20s, I used to think "tomorrow I get another day." Now, I think, "today, I lost another day."
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u/Walmartian_Beta 11h ago
Fashion is no longer for you.
Everything is either made for women in their teens and twenties, or it's cruise and formal wear for when they're in their 60s and 70s. There's a HUGE fashion gap for women in their 30s - 50s and that's why a lot of women just do not know what to do with themselves when it comes to fashion and makeup, almost nobody is marketing to that demographic.
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u/ItsAllAboutLogic 11h ago
That makes me feel less useless about buying clothes. I desperately need new clothes but I am doing basically what you have explained "I'm too old for that outfit. I'm too young for that outfit."
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
Forget about all those invisible age rules. There is no manual telling you what you are allowed to wear. If it fits well and makes you feel good then wear it proudly. Life is way too short to stress over what some arbitrary fashion standard says you should look like. Just wear whatever makes you happy.
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u/ItsAllAboutLogic 9h ago
I feel happy in jeans and hoodies. But summer is approaching and I need tops. I hate how they all look on me
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u/WhiteRabbitWithGlove 7h ago
Couple of years ago, I went back to goth/metalhead style after years of pretending to be a normie. I am 40 and very happy with this choice. IDGAF what others think.
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u/Walmartian_Beta 11h ago
I've resorted to wearing whatever I want lately - and also spending more money on lingerie than actual clothes - fuck it, I may be wearing a plain black sweater and straight-leg jeans, but underneath it I'm in snake print stuff from Thistle and Spire.
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u/garbagegoat 10h ago
Literally same. Love T&S BTW. There's also a french brand I get from Nordstrom that I equally love.Ā
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
A plain sweater on the outside and wild snake print underneath is honestly the best kind of plot twist.
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u/OakAndIron571 11h ago
You hit the nail right on the head. The whole commercial world seems obsessed with the very young or the retired while completely overlooking the people right in the middle who are actually carrying the weight of everyday life. Once you hit your 50s you stop caring about what some marketing department thinks anyway because you realize none of that surface level stuff brings any actual warmth or peace. It is all about substance and real people now.
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u/Walmartian_Beta 11h ago
Yep, I'm in my mid-40s, and I just wear whatever the fuck I feel like wearing - Crop top and lace-up leggings from Forest Ink - sure, cashmere sweater and leather pants - ok, Bodysuit/blazer/high-waisted pants combo - good.
My mom told me when I was in my early 30s that I needed to start dressing my age, so she'd send me links to like - Land's End khaki pants and plain, brightly colored T-shirts and sweaters - I laughed because it was the most bland and generic-looking shit ever.
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u/Jenniflower17 11h ago
But that's weird, right? At 50+ disposable income is much higher than at 20. You would think that markets would WANT to target that demographic.
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u/Walmartian_Beta 11h ago
They target you to spend your money on your teenagers and grandchildren at those points!
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u/Trinx_ 2h ago
I (37f) lost weight recently, and I'm finding buying a new wardrobe extremely challenging. Most fabrics feel cheap. And the styles look frumpy. I might just start taking my old torrid clothes to a tailor. I was so excited to leave plus sizes until I saw what regular sized clothes look like now. This really isn't fair. When I was young and thin, I could only afford the clearance rack. Then I was too fat for stylish clothes. And now "stylish" clothing looks like garbage.
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u/Special-Salad618 9h ago
Iām 65 and I donāt have kids.
Iām from a family of five and no one has kids.
I donāt know a single person l could call at 2:00 AM..or anytime š³
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u/Nickelsass 8h ago
Make friends with a neighbor or someone in the community.
Every human needs that one connection4
u/cannotthinkof01 6h ago
Start to plan about whatās going to happen when you can no longer take care of yourself
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u/Pretend-Strength-214 4h ago
Same. I was just trying to work and survive-dated semi losers - got married late and forgot to have kids.
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u/esh98989 3h ago
Do you regret not having kids, if it was a choice? Iām 38F and childfree, but canāt help but wonder if Iāll regret it someday
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u/SigmaK78 10h ago
Being happy & at peace alone can open the right doors, to a better quality of life, and to better quality relationships.
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
That is the absolute truth. You cannot build anything solid with someone else until you learn how to stand comfortably on your own two feet first. Once you stop looking for people to complete you and find that peace inside yourself, everything shifts. You stop attracting chaos and start drawing in people who actually add real value to your life.š
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u/ponchie10 11h ago
Boundaries. Didn't know they existed until my 40s and nobody ever spoke about them ever. Not my parents, not teachers, friends, acquantices, colleagues. Nobody except my therapist.
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
Therapists are working overtime teaching lessons our parents and schools completely skipped! Took me way too long to realize boundaries aren't walls, they just keep the peace.
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u/NextGen-Panic 6h ago
But they sure were happy to stomp all over YOURS!
Folks talk about people "doing too much", never talk about people "being too much".
But that's okay, the world is finally getting sick of sociopaths, and that's a good thing.
The more energy you lose wanting to deal with them motherfuckers, the more you can "Get outta my face" them.
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u/IndelibleEdible 8h ago
If you want a good 40ās, get fit in your 30ās
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u/Master_Chemist6317 7h ago
I was a mess in my 30ās, absolute party animal. Got clean in my 40ās and Iām the fittest Iāve ever been. So far, 40ās have been amazing even though I wasnāt prepared at all.
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u/Surturiel 9h ago
Time is BY FAR the most valuable resource. And the only true equalizer, as it's the same for everyone.Ā
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u/rickichick 11h ago
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 42, and Iāve got a lot of abuse and stuff in my past. Itās been hard realizing all the āundesirableā traits and stuff that was literally beaten into me or out of me was all stuff due to my brain being sick.
Thereās always also the crushing devastation behind longing for someoneās parents who could have loved you for you.
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
That is heartbreaking to read, and I am so sorry you went through all of that. Realizing that the things you were punished for were just how your brain was wired all along is a brutal pill to swallow.
That grief over never getting the parents you deserved, the ones who would just love you for being you, cuts right to the bone. You survived something unimaginably hard, and carrying that weight for so long takes an incredible amount of strength. Thank you for sharing something so real.ššš
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u/NextGen-Panic 6h ago
"Normal" people don't have the processor or bandwidth to keep up with ADHDers, which is why people say you're "too much". Well, guess what?
That means they're NOT ENOUGH for you.
All that abuse comes from motherfuckers who can't see the world like you do, it might as well be "Allegory of the Cave" going on. So what do YOU owe THEM?
"Normal" people would say you have to forgive those who couldn't do right by you. Fuck THAT, leave their limited cave and live your fullest life.
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u/Ambitious-Ad9359 11h ago
I need to do up a Will. Didn't even enter my mind in my 20s or 30s
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u/Appalachiannn 8h ago
Your body will start to hurt. You will endure many small injuries, pulled muscles, sprains, etc. Itās tougher to put in muscle and keep it on. Recovery takes longer after exertion.
Wish Iād taken this seriously in my 20s and built a stronger fitness base. Itās way harder to play catch up in your 40s
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u/CalTurner 11h ago
If you spent your 20's n 30's Turning to achieve one goal. Not reaching it by 40 will destroy you. I did me.
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
That hits right at the core of what traps so many people. Pouring every ounce of your twenties and thirties into one specific target and feeling like the rug gets pulled out when forty hits is a brutal weight to carry. But your life does not end there, even when it feels like the finish line moved. Once you let go of that rigid timeline, you realize there is still plenty of room to redefine what matters.
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u/RealLiveLawyer 9h ago
My dad and I have a terrible relationship. My father-in-law is a jackass I want nothing to do with. In my forties now.
I realized recently, I am not going to have a fatherly relationship. That's not going to happen for me in this life. I wanted a dad my whole life and it's something I have had to make peace with never having.
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u/Serious_Common_3551 10h ago
you should have banged more while you were single and your knees and back didn't hurt.
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u/Opposite-Slide-7794 10h ago
Time...it is not that people don't talk about it, it is that when you are younger you really don't understand how fast it will go. Your 20's and 30's are amazing and so much fun but I swear, you wake up one day and they are gone. Of course you knew it was going to happen but then it happens. And it changes.
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u/twarmus 10h ago
You can't necessarily replace parts of your body when they break
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u/littleguyinabigcoat 1h ago
- You get more comfortable, my experience at least, and just better at setting boundaries. I know my mind and body better, I know whatās bad for me and whatās good for me. I feel like in your 20s you are pulled in a dozen different directions and itās almost impossible to prioritize yourself because you donāt really know yourself. Now I do, better at least. I look at a menu and know exactly what I want. Iām better at responding to other people and making sure my needs are met in addition to trying to meet theirs. Itās actually pretty awesome, I wish I could have told me at 25 donāt worry, you will one day be WAY more comfortable with yourself, and itās gonna feel great.
Also sometimes I wake up with random neck or back pains, so yeah.
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u/Virambulans 11h ago
I feel like being in my late 40s has helped me to realize what is actually important. Sometime in my 30s I quit caring what my colleagues, and other people thought about my life choices. I have realized how important friendship and family are.
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u/Staff_Senyou 9h ago
That every swipe and tap is an extraction of a finite resource. Happiness need not be monetized. Especially if you ain't getting nothing.
Deny them
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u/Deep-Blueberry786 9h ago
If youāve been generally healthy, you might realize that your forties are when a lot of health conditions may start beyond your control.
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u/Latter-Ad9599 8h ago
Just how alone we all really are, even the lucky ones with family, friends, etc.
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u/sameasiteverwuzzz 7h ago
Address the bullshit in your life in your 30s. I have seen so many people absolutely crumble in their 40s because they didnāt take care of themselves. Whatever your bullshit is, deal with it.
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u/RahDoo0323 10h ago
I'm 34m. And I very anxiously await the fact that in 4 months I will be at 50% of my life's average expectancy. And that scares the living shit out of me. I still feel 26. And I just know that fear will be amplified at 40-45-50
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u/VirtualFish 6h ago
Iām 51 and it is very wild to think Iām much closer to death than birth.
I bought a car recently and bought a ten year manufacturer warranty so I have it until Iām 61. I expect Iāll do that one more time. Morbid I know, and it was a real thought I couldnāt shake.
Whatās interesting to me is how much Iāve calmed down and the death part doesnāt scare me. Iām just more content with me and my life now.
The only thing that saddens me is I think of my kids and future grandkids (who donāt exist yet). I kind of feel like youāre reading a book where you wonāt get to experience how it will end.
So you do what you can to help them increase their odds for a happy ending.
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u/Potential_Leg4249 9h ago
If it makes you feel any better, having made it to 34 means you have a really good chance of making it past the life expectancy. Alot of men die in their 20s because of accidents, suicide, etc and that really pulls down the average life expectancy.
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u/rckvwijk 9h ago
Just continue living your life like youāre doing right now. I just reached 36 while being healthy (as far as I know) and I just ignore the number and do the same things as 10 years ago. Even though being a dad made me feel much older lol
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u/OakAndIron571 10h ago
That feeling of looking at the math and realizing the clock is moving faster than your mind is one of the most terrifying things in the world. Feeling like you are still 26 inside while the calendar keeps marching forward is a total mindfuck.
It is completely normal for that fear to feel heavy right now, because 34 is right around the corner from where the reality of aging starts sinking its teeth in. But the truth is that internal sense of being yourself never really catches up to the number on the page. You just learn how to carry it better, and those later years do not hit the way you think they will when you are standing here looking at them from the ledge.
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u/RahDoo0323 10h ago
I dunno if your a bot lol. But yeah. That.
What keeps me straight is remembering us humans decided to measure age by counting 365 days at a time and I can just decide to count bi yearly and thus I'm 17 and I'll just pretend that's allg š
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u/verbalsuplex 9h ago
Stop doing shit you donāt want to do just because you feel bad. Itās your life. If at the last minute you donāt want to go to that party? Fuck it. Donāt go.
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u/demongirl10 6h ago
old people: life is so lonely! nobody cares about you! you'll have no friends
also old people: fuck everyone else. if you don't want to go to that party your friend is doing and really wants you to come, don't even think twice! just ditch them and do what feels good in the exact moment!
hmmm I think I'm starting to understand what's going on here. it's almost like being cared for and having friends later in life is a two-way street and you will reap whatever you sowed
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u/timtucker_com 10h ago
It's OK to have put both cinnamon & sugar and peanut butter on your toast.
It's OK to mix cereals... and you can add as many nuts as you want.
You can mix most frozen pre-prepared meals (like fried rice) with frozen vegetables and head them up a bowl at a time - a bowl full of frozen stuff cooks in a out 3-4 minutes regardless of what the stuff is.
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u/Busy_Raisin_6723 10h ago
Iāve lived closer to death and Iāve lived more than half my life
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u/Academic-Tip-8244 8h ago
I settled for less than I deserve in almost every way. I was always in such a hurry. I wish I had slowed down and practiced an abundance mindset (whilst building self-trust).
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u/entercrisis 6h ago
The realization that everyone in their 20s is hot. Probably 98% of people. Youth and fertility is hot. 41 now :(
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u/King_JujuLips 9h ago
The sacrifice, love and investment you put into your kids all of those years - start to pay off.
They're turning out to be decent, attentive, caring humans and it's awesome.
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u/fromdaperimeter 11h ago
You realize a lot of people believe what others think about them.
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u/915297mail 9h ago
Parentification is evil. While your parents are still healthy you donāt owe them care and resolving the problems they caused or to be responsible for their emotional issues that they too caused
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u/ceazy_pal 6h ago
It may be that no one genuinely cares for you, not even your immediate family. In truth, it is just youā¦in fact, it has always been you.
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u/pkimandjohn 9h ago
Birth, education, career, marriage, children and retirement. Life is not glamorous...though it is the greatest gift.
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u/KatieTheCrazyCatLady 8h ago
Not quite 40 yet but, the realization that most of the bad investments or missed investments are ok. The best investment I could have made at a young age was to stick with my life partner who makes me happy and loves me. Money has been tight, some compromises have been made, but we are rebounding from all our hardships because we have the combined strength to do so. I am working towards goals I never would've because they encourage me still to reach for my dreams even when they seem silly, and I believe the best is still yet to come for us. I'm so glad I didn't go it solo after a big fight or wanting a partner who earns more.
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u/forgottenkahz 7h ago
Youth is wasted on the young and money is wasted on the old. You aināt either of them.
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u/Stuffaknee 7h ago
We are animals driven by hormones. For example - Photos of people I thought were gorgeous 10-15 years ago are average looking when I look at them now. I see people as beautiful in a different more human way.
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u/Intotheblue9 7h ago
Theres a cohort of people just living life making decisions for today seems much more relaxed and another cohort thats stressed to the max hates their life and when you talk to them their whole personality is saving so they can retire and then their life will finally begin... its really weird. A dichotomy of two different worlds.
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u/More-Tension9613 5h ago
The best thing money can buy is peace of mind. Having money saved in bank and available for emergency situations and your eventual retirement is worth more than that luxury sedan you think you deserve
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u/ConvenienceStoreDiet 5h ago
How little anyone really cares about you. And it should be a very good thing. You're meant to have a lot of experiences that are just for you. And you should remember to cherish the ones that matter, as nobody else will.
When you're younger, everyone wants you to succeed. And because everything is new, you and your friends are all celebrating life together. Resources are pooled to make sure you succeed, especially as a kid.
As you get older, life changes, friends come and go, you could have the most profound and revelatory experience and look around and have nobody to care about it 1/10th as much as you do. I remember taking a trip to Iceland and having the most profound experiences of my life. I went to a foreign country alone, which was a big deal. I went to some of the most beautiful places alone. And I found so much magic along the way. Whenever I show pictures, most can't wait to talk about something else. They won't have a fraction of the excitement even if I'm sharing that excitement. And in all fairness I've been that way with other people's trips, too. So I'm just as problematic at times, too.
The thing is, most don't want to take the same journey with you, even in your memories. So know that it's okay to just love things yourself without anyone else. Know that it's a great thing to love something deeply that people around you will never understand, as you may not with them. And that you have to remember that you don't need others to validate your experiences or go along the journey with you. You're okay to love something deeply even if there won't be people to care the same way you do.
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u/ConvenienceStoreDiet 5h ago
Newness gets more and more difficult.
I think a lot of people discover this at many ages and across many professions. But you realize you lived a lot of the lives that other people are experiencing. People's stories become predictable. Things become less magical. You just see the code being written in front of you.
The things you loved no longer become novel. I used to love Halloween mazes. But after doing enough of them year after year, the novelty wore off. And they lose that specialness to me. It takes having to go back after very long stints to enjoy them again.
So be not afraid to change the hobbies, activities, etc. Be not afraid to find things that excite you and that you can find appreciation in.
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u/ZukowskiHardware 3h ago
My life mainly matters to those that are close to me. Ā The most important person for me to take good care of is myself. Ā
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u/MainAd9757 24m ago
Strangers REALLY don't care what you're wearing or doing in your daily activities. Whether at the gym or eating out... Whether your arms are flabby or your shoes don't match your jacket.
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u/OakAndIron571 11h ago
Hitting my mid 50's made me realize just how fast time actually moves, and it completely changed how I look at relationships. In my twenties, I used to think everything was about grinding away and achieving milestones, but now I realize the only things that truly matter are the steady presence of people you care about and never missing an opportunity to let them know. Losing a couple of close friends over the years really put into perspective that life happens fast, and the small, quiet moments we share with family and good people are all we are really going to leave behind.