I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/easytoremember199

Originally posted to r/marriage

My (27M) wife (28F) lied about a call from an ex, and now I'm questioning everything

Trigger Warnings: emotional infidelity

Original Post: October 10, 2026

My (27M) wife (28F) and I have been together for 8 years and married for 6. Our relationship has always been incredible. She moved to my country to be with me after initially coming here temporarily for school, and we've built a life together. We're aligned on pretty much everything, barely fight, have complete trust in each other, and have the exact same silly sense of humour. We're best friends, share everything, and naturally operate as a team. We have a puppy we adore and are excited about our future together.

I've been cheated on before, so I'm not exactly naive to the fact that things can come out of nowhere, but she's really never given me a reason to suspect anything.

A few months ago, we were watching TV on the couch after having smoked weed and eaten dinner, which is a pretty normal evening for us. Her phone lit up with an Instagram call. This immediately struck me as odd because she never uses Instagram to call anyone.

She grabbed her phone, turned it away from me, and spent around 30 seconds doing something on it while looking confused. I repeatedly asked what was going on, but she either didn't respond or said things like, "I don't know what's going on, this is weird."

I asked to see the screen, and she said to wait because she was trying to figure it out. Eventually, she put the phone down and told me it was a random spam call and that she'd blocked the person.

Her reaction was completely out of character. In eight years together, she'd never acted this way, and we'd never had issues with trust or hiding things from each other.

The next day, I brought it up again because it was bothering me. She apologized for how she'd handled it, saying it was just a random call, and she was confused, partly probably because she was high. I wasn't entirely convinced, but I let it go.

A month or two later, I asked her about it again. She said she didn't really know why she'd reacted that way and apologized for not letting me see her phone.

Today, we were working on some home renovation projects together, and I used her phone to set up Spotify. I noticed she had a Spotify conversation with a man I didn't recognize.

There were fewer than 20 messages spread over roughly a month and a half, starting a few months ago and ending about six weeks ago. They were sharing songs and there was one Spotify Jam request. Nothing was overly flirty or inappropriate.

She explained that he's a coworker. He lives in another country that she occasionally travels to for work, and he controls the music at their office. He's around our age, they get along, and he's a chill guy.

I wouldn't normally think twice about this. She has friends at work, and I'm not someone who expects her to disclose every conversation she has. What struck me as unusual was that she talks about several of her coworkers, but I'd barely heard about this guy.

Combined with the Instagram incident, though, it made me uneasy. So I brought up the Instagram call situation again.

After I pressed her about the Instagram call, she finally admitted that it had been an ex from her home country calling her. She said she panicked because she felt weird about him contacting her unexpectedly, so she lied about it being a random call.

She said she'd blocked him during that initial interaction. I explained that the lie itself was making it difficult to trust her explanation, and she said she understood and was sorry. Her explanation was that she didn't know why he was calling, panicked, and then felt compelled to maintain the lie.

I asked if I could see her Instagram blocked list. She refused, saying that we don't look through each other's phones and that she wouldn't do it on principle.

For context, we have never had a rule against using each other's phones for ordinary things, and we have shared finances and a very open relationship (as in open to sharing things with each other. I even have access to her email). We just haven't made a habit of going through each other's private conversations.

I pushed back, explaining that the situation was different now because she'd admitted to lying and that seeing the blocked list would help reassure me.

She eventually started saying she couldn't remember whether she'd kept him blocked or might have unblocked him later. We checked the blocked list together, and he wasn't there. She said she thought she must have unblocked him at some point.

I then asked if we could go through her phone together, with her present the entire time. She refused again, saying it was a matter of principle. (She's also very stubborn and her standing on principles when doing the opposite would be easier is not at all out of character).

I told her that if our positions were reversed, I believe she'd also want reassurance, and that I didn't understand why she'd refuse if there was nothing to hide. We couldn't get anywhere with that conversation, and that's where things stand.

I want to be clear that I don't have any other concrete evidence of infidelity. Our relationship is genuinely great. We spend lots of time together, share our lives, trust each other in practically every other respect, and have plans for our future. She's never given me a reason to suspect she's cheating.

There also isn't much unexplained time in her schedule, although she does occasionally travel internationally for work.

The things bothering me are:

\• Her initial reaction to the Instagram call was extremely unusual for her.

\• She deliberately turned her phone away and wouldn't let me see what was happening.

\• She lied about who was calling and maintained that lie over multiple conversations.

\• She said she'd blocked her ex, but he wasn't on her blocked list when we checked.

\• Now that she's admitted to lying, she's refusing to offer any further reassurance by letting me look through her phone.

\• The Spotify messages with the male coworker are innocent on their face, but the timing and the fact that I barely knew about him have made me question things I otherwise wouldn't have questioned.

At the same time, I recognize that refusing to let a partner inspect your phone doesn't automatically mean you're hiding something. I don't want to become controlling or turn a previously healthy relationship into one where we have to prove our innocence to each other.

So, am I being paranoid?

Is this a case of someone panicking over an unexpected call from an ex, making a stupid decision to lie, and then digging in because she feels her privacy is being challenged? Or is the combination of the initial secrecy, the changing explanation about blocking him, and the refusal to let me see anything reasonably concerning?

I'm struggling to figure out how much weight to put on the fact that she's never given me a reason to distrust her versus the fact that she has now demonstrably lied to me about something.

I'd appreciate honest perspectives, including if you think I'm handling this badly. I'm not looking for people to automatically tell me she's cheating or that I'm right. I want an outside perspective on what's reasonable here and how to move forward.

TL;DR: My wife and I have been together for 8 years and have an incredible relationship with no history of trust issues. A few months ago, she received an unexpected Instagram call, hid her phone from me, and claimed it was spam. She recently admitted it was an ex from her home country and that she'd panicked and lied. She initially said she'd blocked him, but he wasn't on her blocked list when we checked. She now refuses to let me see her phone, saying it's against her principles. I have no other evidence of cheating, but her behaviour is completely out of character. Am I being paranoid, or is my concern justified?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: She doesn't remember unblocking him? lol.

OOP: Yeah. Obvious bullshit. That was stupid and was what led me to pushing for the real truth

Commenter 2: Let her know if she doesn’t show you then trust is broken. Not to expect things to be the same. If she deletes she has to find a way to recover them

Commenter 3: “I want to be clear that I don't have any other concrete evidence of infidelity.”

Are you really so sure about that bro?

You caught her lying.

You caught her lying about a call on Instagram from an ex, something you said she never uses.

You caught her lying about blocking him.

She refused to show you her phone on the night of the incident.

She refuses to show you her phone now.

You may not have video footage of your wife with her ankles in the air for another man, but you definitely have concrete proof that your wife is a liar, is shady and hiding an ongoing conversation with an ex. Why on earth would she unblock him unless she was up to no good??

Your house is currently on fire whether you want to admit there is smoke or not.

Commenter 4: .... bad news bears..

She rather protect her secrets.. whatever they are.. then let you see who she is on that phone.

She knows something you won't like so if u know.. u can leave.. or why not show you so u feel better.. because if u look.. u definitely won't feel better. She knows that.

Where were her principals when she was lying.. several times.. seems principals only come up. To cover her ass!

"When I am weaker than you, I ask you for freedom because that is according to your principles; when I am stronger than you, I take away your freedom because that is according to my principles." There are perceptions where ur kindness, will only be ur downfall with them.. they plan on it.

Commenter 5: The problem is she’s still lying, and every time you catch her she lies again, and the lies keep getting worse. People only deceive like this to protect something, so whatever she’s protecting is big enough to lie to your face repeatedly.

“She’s never given me a reason to distrust her.” What are you smoking? She gave you like five. You’re hoping this is that rare case where someone is acting shady about an ex and it isn’t related to infidelity. Sorry, those cases are about as rare as Halley’s Comet, and this ain’t that.

I’d give her one last chance to fess up or I’d walk.

Update: October 11, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: My (27M) wife (28F) lied about an Instagram call from her ex, and I found out what was really going on

Well, you guys convinced me that something was definitely up. And unfortunately, you were right.

My wife went to bed, but I still wasn't feeling okay about the whole situation. I went upstairs and told her I wanted to see her phone. I told her that the whole "principle" argument was bullshit at this point. She said she'd let me look if I could promise her that we'd be okay afterward. I told her I obviously couldn't promise that before knowing what I was going to find, and that I just wanted to look at the phone.

She stood her ground, so I stormed out and slammed the door, which is extremely out of character for me.

She came running downstairs after me and told me I could look through her phone. She later told me she'd been scared because she thought I was going to do something crazy. For the record, I wasn't going to hurt her or myself. I was just incredibly frustrated and upset.

I went through everything. Instagram DMs, deleted messages, deleted photos, hidden photos, etc. I found nothing.

I then asked her to pull up her ex's Instagram profile. She fumbled around trying to explain that she'd unblocked him at some point but hadn't followed him again. Sure enough, she pulled up his profile, and she wasn't following him.

I then followed the advice one of you gave me and tried to go down the Instagram "download your information" route, and that's when I found something interesting.

She had already downloaded her Instagram data two months ago, on the exact night she received the Instagram call.

Well, shit.

It all came out after that.

As it turns out, the Spotify messages weren't innocent background noise. And the whole situation had nothing to do with her ex.

It was the coworker.

She met him on her last work trip at the end of June. They got along well and started chatting frequently during the workday. Eventually, their conversations moved over to Instagram.

According to her, their Instagram messages were very flirty. Not sexual, but definitely flirty. She sent him a few selfies, and he sent her selfies as well, including shirtless pictures.

I also went through their entire Microsoft Teams chat history. They talk quite a bit, and there are occasional flirty exchanges, although nothing particularly egregious (makes sense, its teams after all). I'm still waiting for the Instagram data download to come through so I can understand the full extent of their conversations.

So, to be clear, I still haven't established that anything physical happened. The message timelines line up with her not having gotten close with him until a good bit after the work trip. I don't know whether there was more to their conversations than she's admitted, and I don't know how far things would have gone if I hadn't confronted her.

But at this point, the issue isn't just a single lie about an unexpected call from an ex. It's the repeated lying, the secrecy, and the fact that I had to push this hard to get anywhere close to the truth.

I came into this with eight years of a relationship that I genuinely thought was rock solid. I never imagined I'd be in this position with her.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to move forward from this. Part of me wants to believe that this was a terrible lapse in judgment that never went beyond flirting. Another part of me is wondering what else I don't know.

For now, I'm trying to process everything and figure out what comes next. I'll update again when I have more information.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to offer advice, challenge my perspective, and help me think through this. I wish you guys hadn't been right, but I'm glad I listened.

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This is the kind of thing that doesn't need to be physical to be a complete betrayal. Eight years and she's downloading her own data to cover tracks before you even knew something was off. That takes planning.

The coworker thing always stings worse too because it's not some random. It's someone she sees regularly, built a rapport with, made a conscious choice every single day to keep it going. The flirty selfies and shirtless pics alone would be a dealbreaker for me, teams messages or not.

You're handling this with way more patience than most people would. Just remember you don't need a smoking gun to walk away, the trust is already shattered and she's the one who swung the hammer.

Commenter 2: Bro this!!!! She fucking lied and then went down the hole of downloading all her insta data. Nobody knows how to just do that, so I guarantee she looked up how to. That’s so fucked up

Commenter 3: Yeah, what does that even mean? She deleted it with the option to upload it at another time? Tell me like I’m five.

Commenter 2: Dude even I don’t really have a clue. From my understanding it’s almost like a file of data off insta that you can download to your phone or computer and then delete all the evidence off insta itself.

Bring up a question of why she even wants to keep any of that… I could be totally wrong as well so someone who is more knowledgeable please chime in

OOP: I can give you her stated reason - it was because she was scared I was going to find out, as I was onto her after the call. She found out you can recover deleted data and wanted to see how much it showed.

Commenter 4: She's still only giving you what you can find. If you want to try and salvage your marriage you need to tell her it's time to come clean about any and everything or else you're done immediately. Tell her that any omissions or more lies it's over and see what happens.

Either that or you've already found enough to realize she's not who you thought she was and call a lawyer.

OOP: I did, but you're right. How do I now know there isn't more being hidden that I wasn’t able to confirm?

Commenter 5: Lie, lies, lies and more lies... IF you stay with her, she needs to accept that this guy is NC forever .. and that means that unless she can get her employer to stop sending her on trips near him, she quits the job.

OOP: She's as remorseful as possible and it feels like the full truth finally came out. Now it's on me to decide what to do with the information - we'll see. It was her idea to go no contact and message him directly telling him it's done, but with the trust gone, how do I know she won't continue in a sneaker way?

She's committed to doing absolutely anything and everything possible to regain my trust. She called him a distraction - he was good lucking and she put it all up to enjoying the attention from him.

Commenter 6: Ask for a written timeline of the affair - ALL intimacy listed...

OP... There needs to be consequences for her if you want to avoid a reoccurrence...

She's agreed to quit the job if that's what it takes to ensure she'll never meet him??

She's agreed to open device policy forever???

OOP: No, she hasn't agreed to those things specifically, because I haven’t asked for that yet. I told her I need to think about it.

With the current job market and a mortgage to pay, I don't exactly want her to quit her job either.

I'll have to figure it out, but I understand the intent of your message. You're right.

Some of OOP's responses to a long thread about the text exchanges between OOP's wife and the co-worker

OOP: Not really, but all I've seen so far was on teams. I’m mentioned, but there's absolutely no venting, complaining, or anything close. In fact if anything, it's positive.

It's so hard to give all of the details of our conversations and our relationship dynamic through reddit, but yes. I believe there's a potential path forward where I could trust her again. It would take time + couples therapy, but I know she's 100% committed to gaining the trust back. The decision I have to make is whether this was already bad enough for me to seek divorce.

+

OOP: Yes to all of your first three questions. She's absolutely destroyed about this, while simultaneously understanding I’m not here to make her feel okay right now.

She suggested directly contacting the coworker, ending things, going no contact. We got into the 'why' and it was a bit long to add into my post, but essentially she said it was "nothing" (as in emotionally). That she thinks she just enjoyed the attention, but that she realizes it was insanely stupid and not at all worth it. (for what it’s worth, this guy is unfortunately VERY good looking, hahaha).

I'm currently waiting on the Instagram data to be sent over by Meta, so time will tell what I'm able to see. It's being sent directly to me without her having access beforehand, which she was completely fine with.

She's dealing with this the best way she can now, but the problem is all the lying it took to get to this point.

+

OOP: Semantics - I worded it that way, but to be clear, she meant it was "nothing" as in nothing emotionally. She acknowledges the hidden flirty photo-sending relationship they have is still extremely wrong. She was referring to messaging him and telling him they can't talk anymore.

+

OOP: Apparently calls never happened, and it was a pocket dial. She asked him the next day, and he confirmed it was an 'accident'. It happened at a time where it might have been around 3am for him though, so it was also potentially him drunk calling.

Because I’ll have access to the Instagram logs soon, I'll be able to confirm that. If that was a lie, this is 100% over. If it was not a lie, I’m back to "it's likely over but there's a chance it's not".

Nothing about the story changed after realizing I'd have all the data.

The message you suggested she send? She already committed to doing that (on her own accord, I hadn't asked for that yet).

He is single, however I'm also planning to message him and get his account of things.

+

OOP: He might not be truthful - I'm going to come at it nice and see what he says. We'll see. I'm looking to see if the stories match.

She was forthcoming about the fact that shirtless photos were sent by him, but again, she's been trickle-truthing so much, what’s to say worse photos and messages weren't sent.

+

OOP: Unfortunately no, I wasn't able to see the texts. Instagram data was downloaded but conversations with him are missing. I looked into it and it seems impossible she managed to do this herself - seems more a case of the messages all being deleted so quickly they never had a chance to be archived.

On the trickle truthing, there's one thing she trickle truthed post-full confrontation. She said the last message was 2 weeks ago, and then decided to tell me it was 3 days ago. At the time she believed the messages to be unrecoverable (which it seems they may be), but she 'decided, I guess' to tell me the truth. I don't know.

+

OOP: She said they were regular selfies - that some definitely had cleavage, but a regular amount based on what she would have been wearing that day.

What about the ex? Did OOP's wife lie about him? Has things gone too far with the wife's lying?

OOP: She didn't lie about an ex - the ex story was a cover-up about this guy. Also, I never said I believe that nothing would have ever happened had I not caught this. I explicitly said that's the part I struggle to believe.

You're right. Maybe things would have progressed further, and she just hasn't yet had a chance to show me just how much she is willing to disrespect me and disrespect our relationship. I'll have to figure out if the risk of that is something I'm willing to put up with or not.

Does the coworker really live aboard? Did things happen on the day of the trip?

OOP: He does really live abroad. I checked her teams, I checked his LinkedIn. It all lines up.

On your second point, I can't confirm that things didn't happen the day she met him, but I can confirm that they started messaging often after the trip, like she had said, and I noticed the messages were more innocent at first, leading me to believe this was a build-up.

Is OOP's wife leaving her job?

OOP: The one thing she doesn't agree with is leaving her job. I haven't pushed for that or made it an ultimatum though. She absolutely loves her job/company and is in a good place. Some detail I haven't shared yet - the guy is in IT and she is in Marketing. She doesn't really have a real reason to connect, they only met at the office, not even at a conference or work event where they would HAVE to be together. Of course though, I brought up the fact that she will still have to travel to where she lives. Her solution: she would reach out to her company and tell her she can't travel to that country anymore.

Her response to the "no easy fix" right now is that she 100% understands, and will stick through doing what she needs to do as long as it takes to rebuild my trust.

Commenter 7: Did she tell him she was in a relationship or was she pretending to be single?

OOP: He knew she was married.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

when Satan’s intern comes to stay

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

Original Post  July 24, 2011

I work in a field that’s big on mentoring — at one point or another, everyone in my field had to intern. In fact, the program I graduated from requires a 6-week internship in the final year. I had some great experiences that really helped shape my career as an intern, so now that I’m doing well and am in a position to pay it forward, I did. After giving a skype-talk to students at the university I graduated from, I was contacted by one of them asking to intern with me. She was quite aggressive and had a lengthy portfolio and resume, as well as good references from people I trust at the university, so I agreed.

I’m based overseas, and I explained to her multiple times that while she’s welcome to come, my company was not able to cover her travel or living costs while here, nor were we able to pay her for the internship (this isn’t uncommon — most internships in my field are unpaid). I said this to her verbally as well as in writing, and my manager repeated this information as well.

I work from home, so in the interest of giving her the best experience, we worked out that she’d be based with me for the first half, then go with me to the main office in another city, where she’d finish the internship. At some point in the lead up to this, she asked if she could stay at my house while she was job shadowing me, and somehow, in a fit of wanting to help her out, I agreed.

Once she arrived, it quickly went downhill. I discovered that not only had she not booked any sort of hotel in the other city she’d be staying in, but she hadn’t even researched costs in that city — and it’s pricey, and lacking in hostels or other cheap, safe ammenities. While, during work hours, she was flipping out about this, I gave her a couple of possible solutions and reassured her as much as I could, and came up with a solution that I’d actually used when I first moved overseas to that city.

I gave her a few tasks, and was generally unimpressed — it took her far longer than it should, and she didn’t even bother to spellcheck her work before submitting it to me. But I thought “ok, she’s young and it’s her first day.” I also looked the other way when she asked me or my flatmates repeatedly about the “party” scene in our city and seemed more interested in going out and meeting guys than, you know, working. Her first day, I cited first-day jitters and jet lag for the weird behavior. But over the next two days it plummeted even more. Not only was she not performing (to the point I had to basically spoon feed her every tiny task, and was told by my flatmate that, while I was out on work meetings, she’d come back home for lunch at noon to find the intern. . . still asleep), but I had several panicked phone calls from the university — turns out the intern was sending back emails to them basically freaking out that she couldn’t afford this internship, and it was my, my company, and the university’s responsibility to make sure she could. Emails she’d also sent to my boss.

Meanwhile, two days away from home and she was sobbing and crying in my living room . . . The final straw, however, was when one of her friends back home started tweeting about how dare my company not pay our interns and expect them to shell out x amounts for the pleasure of being our slaves, how dare I, personally, treat her this way, and what a horrible horrible company and organization we were to do this to the poor girl. . . tagging both myself, the university, and my company. We’re a media company, so our Twitter feeds are actually part of our online brand and we have thousands of followers. Who all got to see this vitriol. Including my boss’s boss, when our web guy, confused as to what this was, alerted other managers to it, trying to find the culprit so we could get the posts deleted. When both I and the school contacted the intern, she didn’t seem to see why this behavior was such a big deal — and she declined to get her friend to remove the posts.

We had no choice; we had to fire her. I felt horrible about it, and she left … taking with her work she hadn’t completed, as well as my spare phone I’d lent her for her stay. And for the next two weeks more posts went up from her and her friend, tagging my company, about how horrible we all were, how unprofessional, and how I should be fired.

Fast forward several weeks and she’s back home, trying to find another internship (she needs the credit to graduate, and while if she had completed the projects I’d given her I would have counted the week she was with, since she finished barely half a day’s work in total with me, I just couldn’t), as well as get a job post-graduation. And since her blog and online portfolio which she’s sending out still says she’s going to be interning with my company, and my field back home is fairly small, I’ve gotten a few calls.

My questions are: what responsibility do I have to this girl and her new employers? It’s possible she just freaked out completely — people at the university say this behavior was out of character for her — how much tale-telling am I allowed or obligated to do? I am totally disgusted with her behavior and her friend’s behavior, who both seem to have come out of this feeling self righteous and put upon. I’m 26, I’m on facebook, twitter, etc and I’m careful about it. . . but these kids, barely younger than me, seem to think they can do or say anything they want, and that offends me. Moreover, they have both damaged my credibility with my company — not only did they behave badly on my watch, but they tarnished the reputation of the institution my degree comes from. What can I do to repair that? And is there anything I can do to make sure these two children don’t do this again to someone else? I wasn’t fired — although if I had written those tweets I could have been — but the next person might not be so lucky. Finally, as someone whose name and reputation is crucial to my field, it’s now still sitting out there in cyberland that I’m some sort of horrible unprofessional ogre. What can I do?

Update  Dec 14, 2011 (5 Months Later)

Alas, there’s no heartwarming tale of redemption here. She never called me to apologize and tearfully profess how much she’d learned from the experience, there was no metaphorical hug-and-share-and-love-and-grow moment. Professionally I know that can’t be expected. this isn’t a Sweet Valley High book, even if she did behave like a teenage.

What did happen: after we fired her, she absconded back home, taking with her my spare phone I might add, as well as never turning in the last few assignements she had assured me she had finished. My first week in my main head office was a little rough: I was nervous people were going to hold her behaviour against me. Thankfully, they were mostly just baffled. i took the advice of your readers and either didn’t bring it up, or addressed it directly with my boss and my web guy head on privately. They were incredibly cool and sympathetic about it. I later found out through the office grapevine that my boss, who is based in the main office and only sees me in person once or twice a month, had railed against the intern privately to some coworkers at after work drinks one night, along the lines of how dare she do this to me, after everything I’ve done for her. So it turned out he actually had my back pretty well, and it’s all settled fairly nicely. I’ve also been in touch with the school, and after our last conversation about this, the head of the internship program (who incidentally was one of my professors while I was at school) said as an aside how ‘impressed she was with how professionally and reasonably I handled this.” So, as some of your ever-helpful readers speculated, I may have even increased my own reputation by not melting down over this.

As for the intern herself, I did keep a few tabs on her after she left. The tweets eventually stopped. After speaking with my boss and HR, they thought it would be less confrontational if I approached the Twitter Fiend Friend directly, to ask her to remove the tweets. She’s also an alum from my university, so I think the thinking was that would be casual and have it all stop with a minimum of drama. Her response was acres of vitriol, demanding to know what had happened and why the intern was ‘really’ fired before she’d even consider removing her posts (I informed her that that sort of thing was confidential between the intern adn the company, and ended that email chain). She was in dragon slaying mode for a long time though, and I still occassionally get tagged in posts from her, usually when she’s in an Occupy Wall Street mode and I apparently become the empodiment of the entitled ‘man’ keeping she and her special little snowflake friends ‘down’. I mostly try to laugh at these now, as she doesn’t seem to realize I’m no where near the age, affluence etc of this evil corporate figurehead she seems to want to battle. She is deeply involved in the whole no-more-unpaid-internship movements and I’m told by friends that I’ve even been referenced in a megaphone speech at a rally as a symbol of what will eventually destroy our industry. And that people like me should take our bloated salaries and bonus’ and use those to pay our slaves (um, what bonus? Has she looked at salary expectations in our fields? Anemic, not bloated. I’m lucky I can afford cheese). I’ve heard she’s since had a hard time finding full-time employment: my guess? She comes off a little too radical, hard to work with, etc, which is clear the minute you google her and see her blog and twitter accounts. And trust me, people in my field are googling.

As for the Intern herself. . .My company’s name still appears on the online portfolio she is sending to employers. She never removed it, and the way it has it phrased makes it sound like she completed the entire internship with us. Soon after all of this went down, I was having a conversation with a friend back home about it. I didn’t use names, just called her the Evil Intern, adn in the middle she stopped me and said ‘wait, is this so and so?’ Turns out Intern had pulled similar all sizzle and no steak drama at my friend’s workplace the summer before, but since that wasn’t an internship set up by the school, no one ever knew about it. As my friend told it, Intern swooped in and pushed her way into the centre, taking on projects and pitching ideas and claiming she’d do all this amazing stuff. . . and then never delivered in person. Then one day she just stopped turning up at all.

Soon enough, another friend approached me because she had been contacted by the school to have Intern finish her six weeks with her company. The school had briefly told her that Intern hadn’t worked out with me, and my friend wanted to find out why. I told her as diplomatically as I could, just the facts, keeping out the emotion, but Intern didn’t get that posting either. I eventually found out she got one in another city, and through aquaintences found she scraped by there. She finished the program, however I’ve been told by profs at the school who I keep in touch with that several of them turned her down when she approached them to be references: which is crucial coming out of school, as professors are often the only industry-related recommendations you have. She’s since gotten a job, not in our field, but in one of those periphery-to-it type jobs, where she’s ironically enough in charge of their website and social media.

As for me, in the almost-year since this went down, I’ve been promoted :) SO I guess this didn’t ruin my reputation as much as I’d feared!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ExpertHoeee

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITH for refusing to help my husband hide his own child from our family, again?

Trigger Warnings: child abandonment/deadbeat parent, emotional abuse

Original Post: September 26, 2026

Hey, a few years ago we received a random message out of nowhere from a 19 year old named Julian saying he thinks he's my husband's son. Before we even got married, my husband told me he'd gotten a girl pregnant when he was like 19 and that she'd chosen adoption, so honestly a part of me always figured a day like this might come. Except turns out that whole story was a lie. There was no adoption at all he just left her to raise Julian completely alone while he moved on and never looked back. And here's the part that actually broke something in me: when Julian was 13 he found my husband on Facebook and begged him for just one meeting, and my husband's reply (which I only found by accident scrolling an old messenger backup, months later) was genuinely one of the coldest things I've ever read, blaming a literal 13 year old for "trying to ruin his life" and telling him to never message again.

So not only had my husband been lying to me our entire relationship, he'd had real contact with his own son and chose, AGAIN, to throw him away, this time while we were already married with kids of our own. It's honestly been a lot, so much therapy, individually and as a couple, and for the last two-ish years we've quietly been rebuilding something with Julian, completely hidden from our kids. Now that Julian's older everyone wants an actual family meeting, which I was fully on board with, until I found out my husband and his mother had already decided, without me, that the "easiest" move is to tell our kids and everyone else that Julian is just "a family friend's son." Not his brother. Not family. A stranger we know. Hard pass.

I don't care one bit what Julian and my husband privately call each other, that's their business, but I flat out refuse to lie to my own children about who their brother actually is. My husband says I'm choosing drama over keeping the peace, and his mom actually said the lie is more for HIS reputation than for Julian's feelings, which exactly, thank you for proving my point. Even Julian seems hurt by the whole "friend" plan, like he's literally being hidden again after everything, and I definitely don't blame him. So now apparently I'm the villain for saying it's the truth or nothing. AITAH please?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA I don't know how you can trust this man to be the person who is there for you when something goes wrong with you or your children. Will he call Mommy when you or the kids end up in the hospital? Your husband is a coward who runs away. I think you should run away from him and set up a meeting between your kids and their half-brother so they can meet.

OOP: I've had that same 3am worry myself. He says he was a scared kid back then and he's different now, but yeah, actions from years ago don’t just get erased. I'm not at the "leave him" stage over one reddit thread lol, we've got two kids and a whole life together. But the meeting? Pretty sure that's happening regardless of what he decides. My kids deserve to know their brother exists.

Commenter 2: Poor Julian. It seems like you, his stepmom, are the only one with his best interest at heart. Your husband is absolutely disgusting

OOP: He's been let down by adults his whole life and I refuse to be another one. I don’t think my husband is disgusting as a person, just that one choice honestly disgusts me if that makes sense, he's a great dad to our actual kids which almost makes this harder to sit with. But someone has to put Julian first for once, so I guess that’s me right now.

Commenter 3: This breaks my heart. My "father" abandoned us when I was just a tot. Left and didn't call or anything. Met him as an adult. Formed a relationship with him and his wife and step-kids. Was never treated as an equal. Me and my siblings were always treated like second hand citizens. Something in me will always be broken. Your husband is a POS.

OOP: This one hit hard, I'm really sorry that happened to you, no kid should ever have to feel like a second class citizen in their own family growing up. Comments like this are exactly why I refuse to let Julian get brushed off as "just a friend," I don’t want him ever feeling like he has to earn a spot that should already be his. Thank you for sharing that, it really means a lot.

Commenter 4: NTA but your husband is a huge one. A deceitful, dishonourable, cruel one. He want some scared little boy, he was an adult who abandoned his responsibilities without a second thought, and what Julian reappeared instead of facing the music, he responded with cruelty and abuse, to a child. HIS child. I do wonder if you're currently rather absorbed with Julian that you're not properly registering this man has told you possibly one of the most grotesque lies your entire relationship? How will he treat your children if they do something he thinks is wrong or beneath them (or him)? Will he respond with cruelty and abuse he did to Julian? And on top of it all, he's not one jot contrite or remorseful about it, in fact he wants to carry on this shameful lie with your children! You seem to be very okay with that, yet trust is the foundation of a solid relationship. I would wonder if he can so easily carry a lie such as this for so long with zero guilt or shame, what else he has lied about? If it were me I would pit your husband to the post and tell your children who Julian is. Goodness knows all the children but especially Julian deserve some truth and respect from the adults in their lives.

Commenter 5: You and your current husband are a lot alike. Both of you are willing to sacrifice his firstborn for comfort and convenience.

He doesn't want to give up his "future”, so he abandons his child. He was not a 15 year old kid who didn't truly understand how consequences work. He was 19. Old enough to have seen consequences in action even if his trash mother (and father if he was a co-conspirator) made sure he didn't experience them directly. Then, when the child he abandoned reached out to him, he doubled down on the cruelty. Now your coward husband continues to refuse to accept responsibility for his child. Not some family friend's child, but his own child.

And here you come with the he treats my children well so he can't be that bad of a guy bullshit. You, your husband, his mother (and father if applicable) need to face the reality that hubby is a child abandoner and a horrible person who sometimes does good things. You need to face the reality that you are choosing not to push him to do the right thing and fully admit the truth because it would disrupt your life and the lives of your children.

ESH except all of your husband's children. Every adult who conspired against a baby, a teen, and young adult in order to protect their falsely earned reputations as good people deserves to stub their pinky toes every 2 weeks until they do the bare minimum and acknowledge that young man's paternity.

Update: October 11, 2026 (15 days later)

UPDATE: AITH for refusing to help my husband hide his own child from our family, again?

It's been about two weeks since my original post, and things have been tense at home.

A few days later, I reached out to Julian privately and asked how he felt about my husband's plan to introduce him to the family as a family friend's son. He admitted that the idea hurt more than he wanted to let on. He didn't expect everyone to welcome him with open arms, but after spending two years rebuilding a relationship with his father, being introduced as some random person's son felt like being rejected all over again.

That honestly broke my heart. He'd already spent years being treated like a secret, and now we were asking him to play along with another lie just to make things easier for everyone else. I decided to have another conversation with my husband, this time without his mother involved. I asked him directly, "Are you trying to protect our kids, or are you trying to protect yourself from having to admit what you did?"

He immediately got defensive, saying I was making him out to be a terrible father. He didn't want our children to lose respect for him over something that happened before they were born. I reminded him that Julian wasn't just some mistake from his past. He'd abandoned him, rejected him when he was 13 and begging for a relationship, and then lied to me about the whole situation throughout our relationship.

After arguing for a while, my husband finally admitted he was ashamed. He was terrified the kids would ask why he'd abandoned Julian, and he didn't know how to explain it without looking like the bad guy. He'd been hoping the situation would somehow resolve itself without him having to face the consequences. I told him I wasn't asking him to share every ugly detail with the kids immediately. They deserve an age-appropriate explanation, not the entire history of his mistakes. But Julian is his son, and I won't pretend otherwise just to protect his reputation.

We also discussed his mother. My husband admitted she'd encouraged the "family friend's son" idea because she was worried about what the extended family would think. He'd gone along with it because it seemed easier than dealing with everyone's reactions. I told him that wasn't a good enough reason to make Julian feel unwanted all over again.

Eventually, my husband agreed that we need to tell our children who Julian really is. We're still figuring out how to approach the conversation, and Julian will have a say in what personal details are shared with the wider family. My MIL is furious with me. She thinks I had no right to pressure my husband into revealing something that could change how our children see him. She told me I should have let him handle the situation in his own time instead of turning his past into a family issue.

My husband has also remained upset with me. He says I cornered him and didn't give him enough time to figure things out himself. Part of me understands that this is difficult for him, but I'm frustrated that he seems more worried about how our children will judge him than about how Julian feels being hidden yet again. We're still working through everything in therapy, and this hasn't magically repaired the damage to our marriage. We haven't told the kids yet, and I'm nervous about how they'll react. I know this could permanently change how they see their father.

I don't want to hurt my husband, but I also don't think protecting him from the consequences of his own choices should come at Julian's expense. So, AITH for pushing my husband to finally acknowledge his son to our family, even though my husband thinks I should have let him decide when and how to tell the truth?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Good for you. Julian deserves to be acknowledged and accepted. Your husband needs to grow up and deal with the baggage he caused.

OOP: Thank you <3 I think that's what frustrates me the most. He's had years to avoid dealing with what he did, but Julian is the one who's had to live with the consequences. I don't expect my husband to be perfect, but I do expect him to take responsibility and stop making Julian feel like something he needs to hide.

Commenter 2: I just can’t imagine being Julian. Your husband needed more time? Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. What lessons is he teaching your kids by lying? What else is he hiding from you? I suspect there’s more under the surface. Either way, I hope you’re having a reckoning with your husband. He needs to be a good husband and honest man to all of his kids. I’m curious how the reveal will actually go. Good for you for standing up for Julian and your kids.

OOP: Honestly, I've started asking myself those same questions. If he could lie about something this significant for so many years, it's hard not to wonder what else I don't know. I also keep thinking about Julian and how many times he's had to be the one who suffers because my husband is too ashamed to face his own choices. We're still working through a lot in therapy, and I know telling the kids is going to be difficult, but I want it to be done properly this time. I'll update when that conversation happens.

Commenter 3: I have 4 kids with my ex-husband. Since I left, he hasn’t seen his kids. It’s been 8 years.

Just be aware, that this man will probably do it again if your marriage doesn’t work.

You will be raising those kids alone. Are you okay staying with someone like that? (The irony, right?)

OOP: That's honestly something I've thought about, especially now that I know he had multiple chances to be there for Julian and chose not to. I can't predict what he'd do if our marriage ended, but I can't ignore that pattern either. We're in therapy, but I know rebuilding trust will take more than just promises. I'm sorry you and your kids went through that, and thank you for making me think about this side of things.

Commenter 4: NTA but your husband is. He’s had 19 years to acknowledge this boy. He’s a pos!

OOP: Honestly, it's hard to argue with that when I look at the timeline. What gets me is that Julian gave him another chance when he was only 13, and my husband still chose to reject him. I know shame is part of what's holding him back now, but Julian shouldn't have to keep paying for his father's choices. Thank you for being honest.

Commenter 5: MIL pressuring "in his own time" is wild; it's been 19 YEARS.

Good on you for being a good human.

OOP: That's what I keep coming back to. How much more time does he need when Julian has already spent most of his life waiting for his father to acknowledge him? I understand my husband feels ashamed, but Julian shouldn't have to keep waiting just because the truth is uncomfortable for everyone else

Commenter 6: NTA! I’m just glad Julian has you in his corner. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I love that he is able to trust you and be honest about his feelings. You’re clearly an amazing person and Mom.

OOP: Thank you, this genuinely means a lot ❤️ I think what hurts most is knowing Julian has spent so much of his life feeling unwanted by his own father. I can't undo what happened to him, but I can at least make sure he's not made to feel like a secret in our family anymore. I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to tell me how he really feels, and I want to keep earning that trust.

Commenter 7: Wow. He’s afraid his kids will think he’s a terrible person, so he then proceeds to continue to be a terrible person? Yeah, sorry you’re married to that.

OOP: That's exactly what I've been struggling with. He's so worried about our kids thinking less of him that he was willing to make Julian feel rejected all over again. I keep hoping he'll understand that taking responsibility is the only way to move forward, but it's frustrating that I had to push him this far just to get him to acknowledge it

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/woozlefangirl

I [22F] am getting married soon. My mom had an affair 5 years ago and destroyed our family. We are slowly rebuilding a relationship but it's not close. Dad just told me if she's at the wedding he can't come. Help me!

Original BoRU

Original Post May 13, 2016

I am a long time lurker but a first time poster. I never thought I would be posting to Reddit, but here we are!

Quick  side note, I know my fiance and I are very young but we have been  together for years and were friends since childhood before we became a  couple. Also, hate to say it, but we are religious and it's common in  our culture to marry young. We've been through both pre-marital and  financial counseling so we feel very prepared :)

Anyways,  my issue at hand has to do with the wedding. My fiance, "Steve" and I  are getting married in 8 months. We don't have a lot of money and  honestly neither of us can stand fancy-do's so we are having a very  private ceremony with only his best man and my maid of honor as  witnesses and then we are having a tiny reception afterwards with only  50 people total. So obviously this is going to be quite an intimate  reception.

Here is the thing. My  parents can't really stand each other. Or at least my dad can't stand my  mom. Five years ago, in my last year of high school, my mother was  caught having an affair with her married coworker. It destroyed my  parents marriage.

My father became  a changed man. He was always a happy and confident outgoing guy but he  became quiet, withdrawn and just...empty. It's killed me seeing him like  this.

My mother moved out because  me and my younger brother (who was 15 at the time) basically told her  to GTFO. I have always been close with my mom, loved her to pieces, but  finding out about her affair and seeing what it did to my dad (I've  always known my dad to adore my mother) nuked my relationship with her.

My  brother and I went no contact with her for about a year. I finally  relented when I sent her an invitation to my high school graduation, but  made it clear her partner was not invited. My brother took a little  longer to come around but he talks to her from time to time. Both of us  told the judge we wanted to live with our dad full time which was  granted to us.

My relationship  with my mother is still strained and distant. I know she wants more,  she's constantly trying to talk to me and she sobbed in relief when I  sent her my graduation invite after not talking to her for almost a  year, but I keep her at arm's length and merely make polite casual  conversation now and again. I still love my mother and I don't want to  cut her out completely but this is as close as I want her and I will  never again have a close relationship with her.

As for her affair partner (apparently they are still together after his  wife caught and divorced him) I have never met him and made it clear to  my mother I do not want to. If Mom and I meet for coffee or anywhere he  is not to come, I refuse to see pictures or discuss him with her. If she  brings him up I immediately change the subject. I have no idea if my  mom is happy with him, if they doing well, etc.  I frankly don't care.

As  for my father...in a way we are closer but he clearly has his issues.  It's been 5 years and he's clearly not over the cheating and divorce.  He's not angry or bitter about it, just very sad and depressed. He won't  call my mom or her lover by their names. He calls them "he/him" and  "she/her." He hasn't dated once since the divorce either.

He  won't be around her. For my graduation, they had to be at polar  opposite ends of the bleachers and I had to have my phone on me so I  could text my mom when she was allowed to approach and congratulate me  and then so I could text my dad to let him know my mom left. It will be  this way when I graduate college as well.

So,  my question goes to my wedding. After I told my dad what Steve and I  had planned for our wedding and reception he got very quiet and asked if  I planned on inviting "her and him."

I  said yes I would probably invite my mom even though her partner is not  invited. My dad quietly said it's rude to only invite one half of a  couple. He then said he didn't think he could come if she was going to  be there. That maybe he could be there before or after she comes, but he  just doesn't think he could interact with her in such a close setting.

I was floored and very hurt. I told my dad I would think about it.

Steve and I need to start sending out save-the-dates pretty soon so we need  to get this resolved. I've talked about this with Steve and while he is  very sweet and says he will fully support me no matter what decision I  make, that I'm the only one who can make this choice.

I  also talked to my brother about it and he says he will show up no matter what but he won't have much to do with our mother (if she's  invited) beyond basic courtesies and that he understands dad's position  but thinks he's being kind of ridiculous. He also said technically it's  rude to not invite her boyfriend but it's also pretty rude to destroy  two families by having an affair with another married man so her  boyfriend can go fuck himself and Mother can shove wedding etiquette up  her ass. Personally he'd prefer I not invite her either but it's my  wedding and I can do what I want and he will roll with it (my brother is  a very blunt man and has not been as forgiving of the affair as I  have).

So now I'm stuck. On the one hand if we are being honest, I really do want to invite my mother to  my wedding reception. I absolutely WILL NOT invite her boyfriend  regardless of how tacky it seems. He is not and will never be a part of  our family. And honestly, I'm kind of angry with my dad. Believe me, I understand his pain and hurt but it's been 5 years and I think he needs  to start moving on. It's fine if he doesn't like Mom, I don't much like  her either, but to boycott my own wedding because she might be coming?!? Get over yourself! It's like his hurt feelings are more important than  his only daughter's wedding! He really can't suck it up and just be in a  reception hall with her for a few hours?

On  the other...I really love my dad. I hate seeing him hurt, I can't stand  causing him pain. If I absolutely have to choose between my two parents  I will pick my father every time. Despite him being kind of a wet blanket about the wedding he's a good man with a good heart. My dad and I  are very close and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with him and I would much rather he be at my wedding than my mother. Plus I'm  thinking since I refuse to invite my mom's boyfriend and it really is  considered a wedding faux pas I just shouldn't invite her altogether. I really don't want my dad to not come.

But, despite how my mom and I are not and will never be close again and how I  think she's getting her just desserts for having an affair...I don't want to hurt her by not inviting her altogether.

I'm  well and truly stuck. I don't know what to do and honestly I've broken down crying over this a few times because it's just so stressful and I feel caught in the middle between two people I love. Please help Reddit.

TL;DR  Mom had an affair 5 years ago and parents divorced. Mom and I have  somewhat reconciled but we aren't very close. I am getting married. My dad is not angry but told me he doesn't think he can come to my tiny  reception if my mom will be there. I want to invite both my parents but  feel torn. My mother's lover is not invited regardless of decisions.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

When asked if her mom was a great mom and has OOP had therapy?

She was actually a pretty great Mom until the affair but it could be she's an asshole AND a good mother.

I  went to my own personal therapy during and after the divorce and  reflecting back on it my dad was always very good to my mom, showed her  lots of affection, gave praise, helped her when she was sick, would  spontaneously buy her flowers and other presents etc. But my mom never  really reciprocated. It's always been obvious to me my dad adored my mom  but thinking back, I wasn't ever sure she loved him because she  certainly never showed it.

My therapist also pointed out that people can be good parents but also  terrible partners and/or people outside of that role and that honestly  helped me come to terms with getting over the affair between reconciling  the mother I knew who I loved and was close with and this selfish  person who did a terrible thing to our family. I really think she is one  of those people my therapist described (good parent, bad partner and/or  person) and that the two aren't mutually exclusive or inclusive.

~

RememberKoomValley

Options as I see them:

1. Invite them both.  Sit down with your dad and say "Look, I love you and I want you to be there. You are going to regret missing it. You won't have to talk to her. If she tries to talk to you I'll have her thrown out. It's important to me that she be there even though we're not close anymore, and it's important to me that you be there, and while the choice is obviously yours, I'm going to be really hurt if you don't come. (With this option, tell your mother that she is not to engage with your siblings or your father, that she's not to attempt to mend any broken fences at the event.)

2. Invite one to the wedding and one to the reception. Or one to the rehearsal and one to the actual day.  Probably your mother should get the reception or rehearsal in that case.

3. Invite neither of them. Nuclear option. "If you can't behave like adults, just don't come." Not recommended. 

It's healthy to avoid certain people being in your life. To some extent I can see where your dad is coming from--I've regularly recommended that someone just not go somewhere that, say, an ex-abuser is going to be in attendance. But if he were here I would almost certainly tell him to suck it up.

I will say that if they end up in the same room, it should absolutely not fall on your shoulders to be texting your dad and telling him when it's OK to approach.  Someone else needs to do that for you, if that has to happen; you're going to be under enough stress.

OOP

This is really good advice.

I've considered inviting my dad to the wedding itself and my mom to the reception but neither Steve nor I really want to do this. It's very nontraditional on both our parts to have a super private ceremony but we have it this way for a reason (we don't want a large audience and it was too hard to pick which people to have there and which to only have at the reception so we said "screw it, just our closest friends as witnesses."

I really do need to sit my dad down and talk to him about this again. I really like your option number one, it's very good, thank you for this whole post.

Update  June 1, 2016 (18 Days Later)

Hi  everyone. Sorry I took so long to post but I got very busy, part of  which was spent graduating college so I'm glad THAT's finally out of the  way. Here is the link for those who need a recap:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4j727c/i_22f_am_getting_married_soon_my_mom_had_an/

WARNING:  This is a VERY long update. Also this post is probably going to get  flamed. Judging how the comments went down as more time went on the  longer my post was up, this is probably going to anger many people. But  there were also lots of nice and helpful people too, especially u/RememberKoomValley

So I was reading all the comments and the more time went on the more angry  and upset I became. People eventually started saying why should parents always have to sacrifice for children, some said I was being a bridezilla and only caring about my day (of course I care! It's my  wedding! It's supposed to be a once in a lifetime event that I want to share with everyone!), many people said my dad had depression and my mother's actions were so evil he was forever off the hook for good. Everyone was giving suggestions on how I could meticulously plan the days to rotate everyone and I felt like screaming.

Steve  eventually told me to get off of Reddit because he hated seeing me so  upset. I couldn't even say exactly WHY I was upset. I just was. Steve said maybe I should go back to my old therapist that I had when my  parents got divorced and talk it out with her. To me, this seemed like a  great idea. I called her up and asked to have an appointment, despite finals being right around the corner.

So I went and EVERYTHING came out. How much I hurt still from what Mom did  and how we can never be close again. And honestly how ANGRY I am at my  father. I never really realized it, but I've gotten so furious and resentful of him. How he never even TRIED to get out of his funk, how  dejected he acted if mom somehow came up, how he never said anything  DIRECTLY bad about her but subtly made me feel so guilty for loving her. Acting mopey, going from fine to depressed if she somehow came up, how I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him and how he gets a free pass because he got cheated on; Something that happens to tons  of people every day.

I talked and  talked and talked. I made a couple more appointments. I got through  finals (I want to shout out to Steve here. He is the only reason I got through it all, passed, and got my degree. He is an incredible human  being.)

The tipping point was my  graduation day. Once again, my father made it clear Mom couldn't be sat  near him and he couldn't be near her at all. I had to text her when she  could come talk to me and had to text him once she left.

Her boyfriend was, of course, not invited. But it was so embarrassing  having to contact the officials in charge of the ceremony and ask if my tickets could be changed so my parents could sit far away from each other. They were kind and understanding but that's when I began to get very very angry. My mom has no problem with my dad. She doesn't mind  being near him even though she doesn't love him. I began to think how I'm going to have to rearrange ALL my milestones. My marriage, when I have children, my children's christenings and birthday parties...etc.

Graduation  was miserable. I couldn't look in any one direction to see my family as I got my degree and walked the stage because they had to be spread out.

I  had to make sure my phone was on me and fully charged so I could coordinate my mother and father's locations. It was so awkward mingling  with one group and then my mother, knowing both groups were waiting to have their turn.

My brother interacted with my mother and he was kind of cold but cordial  nonetheless. My mother made no complaints, didn't try to argue or force  herself in there, and patiently waited for her "turn" even though I could tell she was dying to spend more time with me. Pictures had to be  rotated. I couldn't have ONE with all my family in there. My father was constantly texting during my time with her asking if she had left yet  and if he could come back now.

It  seemed so...CHILDISH. Honestly, the rest of my family could tolerate my  mother being around. After all, the divorce was YEARS ago. It's time to start getting over it and moving on with life. It was only because of my DAD that I couldn't relax and just be happy and enjoy my graduation  with my family.

I was supposed to  go to dinner with my dad, boyfriend and other family after graduation to celebrate. I told them I felt very sick and I needed to go home. I just  didn't want to be around anyone anymore.

Steve just held me while I bawled my eyes out. I hadn't cried that hard in years. I met with my therapist a couple more times. This is turning into a novel so I will summarize what I came to realize in therapy:

While the initial anger and hate I felt for my mom was real, I never stopped loving her. But, I felt like because my dad had been wronged, I had to  take "his side." My dad has always made me feel guilty for loving my  mother still. While his actions have never been overt, it has been very  subtle manipulation. I felt like I had to give my dad cart blanche whatever he wanted because if I didn't I felt like I would lose him too. That he would reject and have nothing to do with me if I didn't  practically ostracize my mother. My mother was at one point my best friend and that's gone. I couldn't stand losing BOTH my parents. So dad  has gotten whatever he wanted. And I'm realizing that in a subtle way, Dad has been manipulating my brother and I to treat our mother terribly  for years to punish her. My dad has always been a super passive aggressive guy. It's nothing new. He's always guilt tripped people and  made these little comments that twist people up and hurt them. It's his  form of control.

I love both my parents. My mother did a terrible horrible thing but my dad is no saint either. My mom was just more upfront about her awfulness.

My therapist and Steve also pointed out that if my dad IS truly depressed or emotionally damaged etc. he has never sought to get help for it. Instead he has projected his problems and pain onto everyone else and  made it their burden instead of taking responsibility for himself and attempting to go on with life and that is not ok.

I called my mom and asked her over for tea. Steve left to give us privacy. I could list everything we said and talked about but it would make the post longer. Basically my mom never loved my dad and should never have  agreed to marry him. My dad knew mom didn't love him but didn't care and  insisted she would love him eventually. Some very eye opening things  were said that made sense.

My mother never trash talked my dad (never has) but she gave insights as to  why the affair happened. She says she understands it's no excuse for what she did and she is so very sorry for her own selfishness and weakness.

Basically both my parents are human and mistakes were made from both sides. My mom had the affair yes, but it's not like my dad was the perfect man either.

While I still will never again be close to my mom perhaps I don't need to be  quite as harsh with her as I have been. We will still be low contact but  I did decided I DO want her there for the wedding and for the birth of  any children I have, etc. I love my mom. Always have and always will. She may not have been a good wife but she WAS an excellent mother and I  don't want to cut her out completely. I think my kids lives will be more enriched having her in it.

My mother started crying when I told her she was invited to the wedding  (even though I made it clear to her her boyfriend is not invited. She didn't argue with me on that at all) and said she thought I had asked  her to my house to tell her I would NOT be inviting her and she had been  prepared to accept that rejection and understand it. I did tell her that if dad was there she was to stay away from him and not try to mend  any fences at my wedding. She says she understands completely and will  mingle with my grandparents (her parents) and my aunts, uncles and  cousins (her siblings and their children). I made it clear to my mother  that if she even attempted to talk to dad or any of his family she would  be thrown out. She agreed without question.

Steve and I had a final sit down before I called my dad. I asked him to please give me his honest opinion. Steve relented and said while he  thought my mother had done the inexcusable, she actually seemed remorseful and willing to accept the consequences of her actions and to move on and that my dad, while a nice guy, came off as way too sensitive  and just weak. He said that my dad didn't cheat but he had caused me a lot of pain and anxiety since the divorce and it made him very angry and  it was getting hard to like or tolerate my dad and that his family felt the same way, that my dad was actually a master bully in disguise as a  super nice guy.

I called my dad and asked to come over and that I needed to talk about something. I sat him down in his living room (so this talk was in his space where he  could retreat if he needed to) and said basically "Dad. I love you so so  much. You mean the world to me. But after the fiasco of my graduation  I've come to realize I have had enough of feeling like I have to pick sides for you and mom. I'm sorry what happened Dad. I really am. But  that was 5 years ago. You lost a wife, but I didn't lose a mom. I'm sure  you don't mean to, but you've been making me feel like I can't be close  with you if I want to have any kind of relationship with mom.If it's still impossible to even be in the room with her dad, then maybe you  need to talk to someone so you can start feeling better and not be in so  much pain. Is there some kind of abuse that happened that you're not  telling me about that makes this impossible?"

My  dad seemed shocked and then started to get REALLY upset and basically said mom had never hit him or anything but that "she cheated and broke  his heart and that was reason enough to cut her out"

Dad also said I couldn't understand because I hadn't been cheated on, I didn't know what real love was and also implied it was MY fault and my brothers fault because "if we weren't a part of their relationship he  could move on" but we always remind him of her and what they had, how because of us he can't make a clean break since she's in our lives etc.

I'm  sure many redditors will disagree but this is my dad being typically  passive. Insinuating that because my brother and I exist he can't get  better because we are reminders of mother and it's our fault we exist so he can't cut her out totally. I realize that my dad thinks that if he can get me and my brother to cut my mom out, not only will he succeed in  punishing her but he can have us all to himself and not have to share  with her and deal with his hurt. He's getting us to do the dirty work  for him so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

I told my dad that I loved him and wanted him at the wedding but Mother is invited. Her boyfriend isn't but she is. I told dad that I had talked  to her and I promised him she would leave him alone and stay away from  him and his family and could he not just put aside differences for a few  hours to celebrate with me and Steve on our day?

He said absolutely not and that I was being unfair and insensitive and  that my mom had poisoned me against him. That he wasn't the cheat and  she needed to deal with what she had done and not come and by inviting her I was clearly supporting her cheating and that we couldn't be close  if that was the case because I was being too much like her.

I  had had enough. I stood up and said, "Dad, Steve and I really want you there. You are free to come or not. I love you. But if you don't come, it will absolutely affect our relationship going forward. I am not doing  anymore separate celebrations or events. People can either come or stay  home for weddings, parties, births and whatever. It's getting ridiculous and I'm sick of being in the middle. The rest is up to you and Mom."

Then I left. I haven't heard from my dad since. That's been hard, but I feel like I did the right thing.

I also called my brother and told him everything that happened. My brother was very quiet. He then said while he still hates our mom for  what she did and thinks she's a whore that maybe there is more to this  than he realized and that he thinks our dad is being a selfish jerk and  needs to get over himself. He said it's fine mom is coming to the wedding and that he would be nice to her.

So  that's that. I'm sure many will disagree and be angry with me but Steve and I feel we made the right call. Steve loves and supports me and that's all that matters. I talked to my therapist about it and she said it's possible I was harsh but that maybe my dad needed to hear that  since he has been coddled and enabled for five years.

I am fully prepared for my dad to not show up. If he doesn't it's his loss. Thanks again to everyone who gave me input, some of your comments  were very eye opening. I may post an update in the future after the  wedding but I haven't decided yet.

TL;DR  Broke down and went to therapy. Realized my dad is very passive  aggressive and manipulative. My graduation day was horrible but a  catalyst to realize things can't continue this way and I'm tired of  being in the middle. Had a heart to heart with mom, realized my parents  relationship is not a case of saint vs. sinner but two people who are  human and made mistakes. Told mom she's invited but boyfriend is not and  she will be asked to leave if she approaches my dad or any of his  family. Talked to dad and told him he's hurting me with his behavior and  it needs to stop. My dad is not speaking to me and there's a good chance he will boycott the wedding. Talked to brother and he supports me  and says dad is being unfair. I'm just happy I get to marry Steve and  that I don't have to be stuck in bullshit drama anymore.

EDIT:  wow this blew up! Thank you everyone who commented and offered a POV. Except for the people sending PM's of death threats. I've gotten at  least half a dozen of those, plus calling me a whore (ironic since I'm a  virgin) and hoping Steve cheats. You sound like lovely warm people full  of happiness.

I wanted to point out some things that keep coming up:

1. Remember I come from a religion and culture that is very different from most  people here. Divorce is shameful for us. It is humiliating. The only justifiable reason for divorce is an affair for our people. Divorce "because you're not happy" is not an excusable reason. An affair is the only way out. However, that being said, the person who commits the affair has just crippled themselves. Sex is very holy and pure in our  religion and culture. It is to be between husband and wife only. That's it. And if you break up a marriage because of it you are forever blacklisted. While my mother could/should have gotten a divorce without  having an affair, she STILL would have had a scarlet letter on her chest  for getting divorced for "no reason" which is an ultimate act of selfishness. Marriage is very holy in our culture. To divorce for any  reason other than an affair is "to be like an unbelieving sinner" which is, quite simply, not acceptable. I don't necessarily agree with this as I'm a little more liberal than the rest of my family and most people  but it is what it is

2. My  mother did NOT get off Scott free. She is no longer welcome in her church and none of her friends associate with her anymore. Her family, her friends, her church, her entire community has shunned her. She also  lost her job because dipping your pen in company ink is expressly  frowned upon at her former work place. Both she and her lover lost their jobs and had to find new ones

3. Many are saying I need to start including my moms partner in things and saying the fact she has been with him this whole time shows they have  something special. It actually does not. I didn't put this in my post  but my mom and I actually talked about her boyfriend for the first time.  They are on the verge of breaking up and their relationship has been  rocky for awhile. "P"'s family and friends have disowned him too. He is not of our religion or culture (double bogus for my mom for taking a  lover outside the faith) but no one wants anything to do with P. His ex wife has made their lives hell and will not let him see his kids. When he does see them they treat my mother terribly and make their hatred  known. P is also sick of being not invited to every family event on our side and says Mom needs to start demanding he be invited to things. Mom  is of the view point that they brought misery on themselves and need to accept the consequences of their actions and furthermore knows that if  she insisted on bringing P she would burn the last of the bridges she  has with us and will not do that. P is sick of her "not putting him first" and their relationship is falling apart because of it. The only  reason they have lasted this long is because my mom and P only have each  other because no one else wants them. And they both know it. My mom  actually does love her boyfriend but he does not love her anymore and  she knows they aren't going to make it

4. Many  are saying (even explicitly hoping) Steve cheats on me so I understand  my dads pain because I clearly don't since I haven't been cheated on  (hey that's what my dad said!). This experience has actually taught me the opposite. If Steve were to cheat I would be out of my mind with pain  and hurt. I wouldn't be able to function. I don't blame my dad for being unable to be around my mother. At first. If I had children with  Steve, as much as it would SUCK, I would put on my big girl pants and do what needed to be done for my kids. I've gotten plenty of comments and  PM's from people who WERE cheated on and heartbroken and  devastated...and they did what needed to be done. Since I now know what  it's like to have parents that pick their pain over their kids I know I  would NEVER want to put my kids through that. It's just basic human  decency.

5. I  am not on any parents side. I don't love either of my parents more nor do I think either should be demonized and bashed or out on a pedestal and coddled.My parents are human and imperfect. They are both great  people. And they both have done some really shitty things. That's it and  that's all

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/throwaway-7772552

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original post - posted 2022-11-08

English isn't my first language so sorry for any mistakes!

Quick backstory: I (27M) am a result of a one night stand. My mom already had 4 kids from her deceased husband before I came along. She has never liked me, and always treated me like garbage. I used to live with my birth father in (the country where he's from) until I moved with my mom when I was 16. It was her life mission to make me miserable. But I moved out when I was 18 to go to college.

Now, here's the situation. I have three half-brothers (30M. 35M. 47M.) my (35M) brother was the one getting married. When I lived with my mom, he was nice to me when he visited, the other two absolutely despised me.

I haven't spoken to him much in the last years, but to my surprise, he asked me to be the best man at his wedding, I agreed because he was the only good thing about my miserable childhood.

The day of the wedding was the first time I saw my mom and other half-siblings in the last 9 years. They still don't like me.

After I've given my best man speech, I stayed with my fiancée for most of the wedding, since I barely knew MY family let alone the bride's. When I was standing alone my mom approached me and started talking down to me, I was used to it so I just let her talk her talk. Until she said that my brother only asked me to be the best man because he got in a huge fight with the other two over who gets to be the best man, so he asked me just to spite them, and that I wasn't even getting invited in the first place.

I was more hurt than I expected, then asked him if it was true. He said yes guiltily and kept apologizing, saying he was glad I was there. I was still furious so I excused myself and left with my fiancée, but then he texted me a day later saying I'm an asshole for leaving, and that everyone kept questioning why I left, also saying I ruined the wedding for him.

I kind of feel bad now, maybe I overreacted. So, AITA?

Sorry if this is all over the place, once again, English is not my first language!

EDIT/UPDATE: so, i actually deleted the app when i was deemed not the AH. But apparently my brother made a whole post about the situation, so i logged in one last time to read it and safe to say everyone made my day. And my incredible fiancée put him in his place. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. To everyone who commented supportive things to me or my fiancée. And to my brother, I hope you find peace in your life, and also a therapist. bless. :)

Commenter:

NTA. It was very kind of you to show up and prepare to be there for someone you cared about, even after drifting apart. I can’t imagine the punch to the gut it must have been to learn that your kindness and goodwill was taken advantage of in an attempt to get at other people—you showed up with your best foot forward, only to learn that your brother just wanted you there to send a message to other people. How awful. I hope your fiancée’s family can show you the consideration your family can’t, and I wish you the best! <3

OOP responds:

thank you so much for this lovely comment! My fiancée's family is amazing, I've spent every christmas with them for the last 4 years. :)

----

And the half-brother (u/groomthrowawayy) responds!

AITA for making my half brother my best man to piss off my other siblings then telling him he ruined my wedding? - posted 2022-11-11

Since my half-brother wanted to bring family issues to social media. Here we are.

My brother posted a few days ago about my wedding. Here's the whole story.

I (35M) asked my half-brother (27M) to be the best man at my wedding because I got into a disagreement with my other brothers over who gets to be my best man. I wanted them to be pissed that neither of them stood with me at all. Not even as groomsmen. AH move. I know.

The day of my wedding was great until he left. He gave quite the emotional best man speech. Brought me to tears if I'm being honest.

The family kept approaching him but he's always been shy. He said hi to some of them but he seemed out of his element. I kept trying to stay with him as much as I could. He, my wife, and his fiancée really hit it off. I was glad. When he excused himself to grab some champagne, I saw our mom approach him, and immediately got worried.

I'd already felt horrible about all the stuff he went through when we were younger, and didn't want him to know the real reason why he was the best man. Our mom kept talking to him, but I couldn't hear what she was saying.

He suddenly looked shocked, and asked me if he was only the best man to make our other siblings pissed. I said yes, I'm not the best liar. I kept apologizing and begging him to forgive me. All of this was away from the guests.

I never said he wasn't getting invited. Our mom did. His invite was one of the first to go out.

He didn't make a scene, but he did leave with his fiancée, everyone saw them leaving and kept questioning us why he left, including my wife. I told her the truth and she got very mad at our mom. The whole atmosphere was awkward from that point on.

I did text him after the wedding. I told him he could've just stayed and then we would've chatted later. But he said that he didn't want to talk to me and blocked me.

The real AH is mostly our mom.

Our sister sent me his post and told me to look at the comments, I was getting bashed left and right. I couldn't text him about it so I thought maybe he'll see this. Still think I'm the AH?

----

OOP returns:

WIBTA if I don't invite my siblings to my wedding after we reconnected? - posted 2023-03-01

Hey, you may know me from an older post on this subreddit about my brother's wedding, you'll find it if you click on my profile.

Let's get to the point. First of all my "brother's" post turned out to be a troll account, we chatted about three weeks ago, and he told me he doesn't even know what reddit is. So that's that.

So, I recommend reading my old post before this one. But here's an update/a WIBTA situation.

Once again, I had initially deleted the app forever, and so did my fiancée (now wife). But I trust this subreddit's judgement a lot. So here I am one more time.

So, I (28M) and my wife got married a month ago, just the two of us.

I have quite a bad family situation, I had gone NC with them ages ago, but I have three brothers and a sister.

They heard news of my marriage and reached out to congratulate me, and we reconnected after the whole ordeal at my brother's wedding. However, my wife and I are throwing a wedding party soon with all our friends and family. I invited my dad's side of the family but not my mom's. I just don't feel comfortable enough to have them at my wedding, we're just starting to reconnect.

But, I feel like I'd be an AH if I don't invite them (just my siblings). I feel like it'll ruin everything with our reconnection path, and we'll be back to point zero all over again.

My wife thinks it's fine, but I'm just anxious. So, WIBTA?

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/jbanelaw

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

"How Did You Get This Number??!!!" - "You Realize You Are 'On Call' Right?" - posted 2021-11-13

Despite almost doubling my rates for new clients (and that rate was not bargain basement either to begin with) the work keeps on coming in. I know this wave isn't going to last forever, so am taking full advantage of the shortage in the labor market while I can do so.

This means an average work week for me in around 70-80 hours, but again, I'm getting paid by the hour so I don't really care it is pretty much sleep, eat, work, repeat. I'm starting to feel like Scrooge McDuck and his money bin with the good times rolling. I just need to make sure to put enough away so when the bottom falls out of the this labor market and the leads dry up, I've got enough to go lean on for awhile.

Anyway, here is a quick one that I just experienced. Enjoy.

The Scene

"Hey IT Guy! When can you get to that new server we were talking about???" the manager screamed over at me while I was tending to a network issue across the cubicle farm.

"Yeah, it is going to be sometime here..." I say looking at him annoyed.

"Well, I need it up by the weekend if possible. Feel free to do any of the work at night if that helps."

"Actually it does....I might have some time this weekend...Who is my technical contact after hours"

"Great. We really need that up by Monday. If you have any hangups just ping the on-call tech. They are usually around on the weekends anyhow..."

Saturday Night

I remember when I used to have a social life and hated it when a job took me for weekend work. But, that seems like ancient history here approaching year two of a pandemic. Now a Saturday night is just like any other evening. This one though I was about four cups of coffee in and knew sleep was not in the cards. So over to my client's office I go to finally tackle that server I had been promising him.

Should be a 4-5 hour job to get it into production. Nothing special here. Just decommission the old one. Restore a backup. Optimize some stuff. And boom I should be done. Home by midnight. Client will be happy and I'll get a few more hours to bill this week.

First things first, I show up and go to the location where the server was supposed to be. It is just gone. I look around in all the usual places - nothing. Check the not so typical places where some of the in house guys will put stuff - nothing. Hmm....stumped but not wanting to go home, I remember there is an on call tech. I look through my email and see the announcement about who it is this weekend and give his number a call.

Rings through to voicemail. Sounds like a personal phone number, so I leave a message. Call back time says one hour or less in the protocol so I hunker down doing some odd tasks waiting for the return call.

An hour later I don't have a call, so I ring the number again. Once more through to voicemail. I leave another message asking if this is not the right person to please let me know, but I have a job that needs to be finished tonight so give me a call back ASAP.

"How Did You Get This Number!!!!!"

I went to the bathroom and left my cell phone on a desk. When I come back there are 5 missed calls. Thinking something is wrong I page through the call logs to see it is the same number 5 times in a row in about 7 minutes. Hmmm....so I give it a call back thinking it might be the on call tech.

Firs thing out the mouth of the guy who answers - "How Did You Get This Number!!!!!"

"Ummm....." taken aback.... "You called me five times in a row just now...."

"No I didn't....." "Put me on your do not call list!"

"Hey look you called me figured it might be a return call for XXXXX company, I'm a contractor doing some work tonight...."

"You just can't go calling people in the middle of the night because you want to work!"

"Ummm according to the office email you are the on-call tech...."

"I told my boss I don't do call anymore!"

"Well, tell that to the office admin who put down your name....."

The guy is clearly really annoyed and this is a new client. I don't want to get a bad reputation, so I just try to make nice, but he would have none of it.

"You contractors are all the same...." blah blah blah as he dumped on contractors for five minutes.

"Look guy I just need to know where the server might be. Someone moved it today and I would really like to just get it up tonight...."

"This isn't why we have an on call person on the weekends. It is for emergencies only and you wanting to work ungodly hours on a Saturday night is not my emergency!"

At this point in time, I just want an exit strategy.

"OK got it. I'll just let my contact know that we couldn't locate the machine and see what he wants to do on Monday..."

"Got that right bud. Don't call me again unless there is an actual emergency!" Click.

Emailing the Boss

As a consultant I know it is best to keep EVERYTHING in writing if at all possible So I start an email to my contact who is the site manager:

"Hey Manager Guy - I was at XXXXXX company just now to get that server deployed and the physical machine is missing. I contacted the on call tech (if you remember you told me to reach out to them with any problems) to see if they had any insight into its location. Unfortunately, the interaction I had with him was less than positive and I don't think I'll be able to locate the server to get it up by this weekend. Let's talk on Monday. Sincerely - IT Guy."

Figured that was about a diplomatic as I could put it even though I was mildly annoyed to have wasted at least 2-3 hours that night with the whole drama.

I didn't hear back for the rest of the weekend, but figured he might just be waiting until he saw me on Monday morning.

Monday Bloody Monday

Turns out the site manager didn't email me because he was livid at the on call tech. He and that guy had a history of duking it out over on call assignments and other office related politics. So, the manager was taking full advantage of this situation and set up the tech to be fired Monday morning.

Apparently it was "fireworks" galore, but unfortunately I got there about 15 minutes after a few tables got flipped and the police had to be called. And also apparently everyone hated this guy for a long time (I wouldn't know why.....). Word got out that the tech was sacked mostly because I "complained" about him. Now I have people coming up to me thanking me profusely for getting rid of the guy like I actually fired him.

It was an odd way to curry favor with a new client, but hey if it gets me more work I'll take it. Also the random people treating me like some sort of hero, seeking me out to say "Thank you IT Guy" is icing on the cake.

----

The Case of the Missing Server - posted 2021-11-18

You all thought I was going to leave you hanging there, didn't you? Don't worry The IT Guy would never do that to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

So, just to review, the guy who was supposed to be on call got fired Monday morning for failing, officially, performance issues, but unofficial, because he was a jerk too many times. I show up to a round of "high fives" because people think I advocated for getting the guy fired, when it was instead the site manager who had a beef with him. Doesn't really matter now. It looks like actually no one who currently works there actually likes the guy and it is like I just landed a big giant house on the big bad Witch of the East. Whatever, I'll take it.

But, that leaves me, your friendly IT services consultant, still with a job to do....

"When can you deploy that server," the Site Manager throws at me in the late afternoon.

"As soon as you can find it...."

"Yeah, no one seems to know where it might have gone. Can you check the (fancy hardware location application - going to be vague with this one for corporate reasons) logs and see if it has any history?"

"Ummm, sure wasn't aware you had that kind of visibility on the equipment. Where can I get access?"

"I emailed corporate security to have them create you a login and you should be able to find the machine profile by doing a search for the asset tag."

"OK...I've never used (or really even heard of this system) but I'm sure I can figure it out...."

"Yeah IT Guy I'm sure you can...."

Location, Location, Location

OK I've got to be a little vague here because what I will call an asset tracking system is FANCY and I don't want to even hint at anything that might touch a non-disclosure. I've never seen anything like it. Looks custom to a capital C and like someone high up at one point in time had some OCD about hardware, corporate espionage, or security, or something then threw a ton of money at a solution. Anyway, trust me. This thing is NICE.

So, just as the site manager said I get my login credentials, pop the asset tag into a query, and poof the whole profile is right there. Has a history of checking in on the internet and hey look there even GPS coordinates. This ought to be easy as long as the GPS is accurate...

"Hmmm....those coordinates aren't anywhere close to any of our offices...." I think to myself.

Looking at Google Maps, it sends me to a residential section of town about 30 minutes away.

"That can't be right, I can see the delivery confirmation here in the profile. This isn't on the back of some truck still out for delivery....." I continue thinking as I mull over the possibility.

The GPS location is solidly in a house, so I do a quick property tax record search to see who might be the owner of that address and poof it all makes sense.

"I'll be damned if this is right...."

The address comes back to one owner - Mr. I Got Fired This Morning.

Quickly I think my options are:

1. Call the Site Manager and tell him I think the server has been stolen
2. Call Corporate Security and make a report
3. Hey I have the guy's number from the weekend, I can just give him a call and see if he will give me the server.

Yeah I know I should have done option #1 or #2, but I'm feeling frisky for some reason. Figure might as well text him and give him a chance to give up the goods. Guy has already had a bad day, last thing he needs to do is catch a theft charge on top of it all. Maybe he had a legit reason why he took it home....

"Hey This is the IT Guy..."

So I start a text.

IT Guy: Hey, this is XXXXXX. You yelled at me this weekend when I called asking if you could help me locate a server. Security software is showing it at your house. If you have it for whatever reason just drop it back off at the office. All I want to do is get this thing in production tonight.

Jerk Guy: Fuck you. I don't have shit.

IT Guy: Fine by me. I'm going to report it to corporate security and the police.

Jerk Guy: Wait, wait.....I might have something but I didn't steal it. Had it to do some work and needed....(long, desperate explanation here)

IT Guy: Look, I don't care why you might have had it. I just need to have it and tonight. If it appears and everything looks good, I don't care how it shows up.

Jerk Guy: OK, so if I drop it off you are fine with this just going away.

IT Guy: Look I'm not going to lie if asked but in my mind all that people need to know is that the server has been properly installed.

Jerk Guy: I'll drop it off (location at side of building) after hours tonight.

(OK before you security guys jump all over me. The thing was going to get completely wiped anyhow and I made sure there was no tampering. This guy was not some kind of criminal mastermind looking to defraud the company. I think he just had an expensive piece of hardware and after getting axed probably was planning on keeping it.)

About two hours later.

Jerk Guy: Server is by the side door. I kept my part of the bargain, please keep yours.

Sweet Irony

In the end, the on call guy still found me the server and ended up personally delivering it. All that it cost him was his job (which was probably in doubt anyhow since he was a jerk). There was something wholly ironic (or maybe that isn't actually irony - Alanis Morissette anyone?) about him ultimately finding it for me. But, I digress....

Server was still in the box, sealed. I spent the next few hours getting it up and running. Emailed the site manager that night to tell him the job was done and was just going to leave it at that unless asked for further details.

The next morning:

"That was some quick work IT Guy, where was the server?"

"I found it by the side door."

"Huh....that is strange. Maybe one of the guys moved it thinking it was something else."

"Yeah....who knows. Anyway job is done. What is in store for the rest of the week?"

"Thanks IT Guy. I've got a few more projects for you to tackle over here...."

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/JjzMerheb

TIFU by opening up to my boss

Originally posted to r/tifu

Original Post  Feb 21, 2019

So Fridays are usually a casual day here in the office so our lunch breaks are sometimes longer than usual. Today My boss and i were the only ones in the office, so we decided to have lunch. I've been working here for 2 years but we don't communicate that often on a personal level. ​

He rode along with me to grab lunch and we started talking about random things that we like. We got along on the topic of science and the anatomy of the body which was pretty cool. Then we spoke about the eye which led to talk about sleep and REM or rapid eye movement, which led to talks of lucid dreaming. That's where i fucked up. ​ I decided to tell him about how i had a dream once and i realized i was dreaming so i turned myself super saiyan ( powerful and able to fly ) and another where i was going to jail for something i didn't do. I noticed it got awkward and he looked at me kind of judge-y in a way so i tried to change the subject a little. So i then asked him if he had any thoughts that helped him sleep and he just blandly said "No". I told him how i think about how sleep is just like time travel and you close your eyes and the next time they open 8 hours have passed by. He laughed a little then had got up and said he had to get back to work. ​

I stayed to clean the table and heard an email pop up on my computer. I finished what i had to and sat on my desk. Turns out i may have opened up a little too much. How do i know? He sent me an email that was actually meant to go to the accounts guy talking about how weird i am. ​

I figure iv'e got another hour till he realizes, or maybe more who knows. All i know is i'm not looking forward to the confrontation. ​

Tl;dr: My boss and i were the only ones in the office. We got lunch and ate it. I said a bunch of weird things about my dreams and how sleep is like time travel and he sent me an email by accident about how i'm a weirdo. The email.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

IllyriaGodKing

Dude, if that's the "weirdest shit"  that he's heard, he needs to get out more.

smokingkrack

Yup. And the fact he felt the need to gossip with another grown man about it. Dude must have a miserably boring life.

~

BlueBubbleGum

Well, now you know that you need to be 100% professional with your boss. He is not your friend or buddy at all.

I think it’s strange that he ran as soon as he realized he sent the email to you. Seems immature and cowardly, but he’s probably very embarrassed.

I’m sorry he said those things about you. The conversation didn’t seem weird to me.  Maybe he’s the weird one. ​ Update: First off I'm really grateful for the positive response. I thought I was going to keep quiet about this but you guys have convinced me otherwise.

I walked past his office on my way out and he wasn't there. The receptionist told me he had to head out for a " family emergency" ( I didn't buy it). I called him and he didn't answer but called me a couple of minutes later. I mentioned I wanted to talk about an email he sent me by accident and he said " I know, look I'm sorry mate and I know you're probably upset, it was just a bit of harmless banter. Take Monday off and we'll talk Tuesday first thing". He didn't even sound sorry.

I'm not sure why he gave me Monday off, should I be worried about what I'll hear on Tuesday? My whole weekend is ruined now.

Edit: thanks for the gold anon, you kinda made my day.

Update  Feb 25, 2019 (4 Days later)

Over the weekend I had a lot to think about. I began looking for other jobs (As some of you guys mentioned to me). I applied for a few and got some calls back on Monday which was interesting. I particularly like the looks of one job which pays the same however there is bonuses to be earnt & the hours are a little better.

I did go in on Monday but just casually made it look like I was only there to pick up my hard drive ( which I use for work and private things). So when I first walked in I walked straight past his office and he was on the phone, then on the way out he called my name and told me to come in. He asked if I was taking the day off and told me the reason he told me to take the day off is because he wants to speak to me about what happened before I get back to working, and he's busy with meetings.

Today (In Aus it's tuesday) I went into work and saw him first thing. He started off by saying how he was sorry and they always joke around with each other and how he didn't really mean it. He mentioned that he didn't say anything and how it was a bit of a wake up call for him. He asked me if I was still upset or if I still felt like I didn't want to work and I told him I'm not upset, I just expected more from my manager. It felt good to put him in his place like that, even if it wasn't much. He asked me what I wanted to happen so I though about it. Im not reqlly happy with this job anymore and this is a good opportunity to try and go for that new job I mentioned earlier, however they have a 1 week training and examination period before you get hired.

Previously we've never been allowed to take more than 1 or 2 days off consecutively, because we're a small office and don't have the resources to replace someone who's sick/ taking leave.

So after considering my options I told him that if I'm successful in being accepted to do the training and assessment at this new job, that I'd want to take 1 week leave and if I am not successful I'd come back to work. He agreed which is awesome because now I have the opportunity to leave my job and I have my position covered if I don't get the job.

He spoke to me on a personal level and told me that whatever happens he doesn't want hard feelings, and that if I don't get the job nothing will change. I asked him if he could send it in writing and he sent me an email saying my leave was approved. ( thanks to some redditors for reminding me to keep myself covered).

I guess I wasn't expecting this outcome but it worked to my advantage and it could've been much worse.

TL;DR : I opened up to my boss and he sent me an email by accident saying how I'm weird. 3 days later I've got him to accept to me taking a week off work to apply for a new job and my position is secure if I don't make it.

OOP Made a little update March 12, 2019 (2 weeks later)

Update: Got the job! Sorry I didn't update you guys earlier but I've been occupied with it. Tbh I'm pretty happy with how everything turned out, so far so good. My old job and boss are out the window!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Mother-Associate1654

Originally posted to r/neighborsfromhell

timeline:

• Original post: 2026-02-01
• First update: 2026-02-22
• Final update: 2026-05-19

Original post posted 2026-02-01

My girlfriend and I were long distance for 2 years. Last Fall, we finally closed the gap, and I am fortunate enough to be able to afford "luxury" apartments in our area. We were the first people to move into this brand new unit, and couldn't have been more excited.

The very first night we moved in, we heard extremely loud noises from our upstairs neighbor. Since we had moved in that morning, I assumed he was doing the same. But the noise over time continued. Extremely loud stomping, what sounded like furniture constantly being moved, jumping, things that literally make my walls shake. And these often occur during quiet hours.

After our first noise complaint did absolutely nothing (in fact, made it so much worse), I decided to knock on his door and politely ask him to refrain from making such intense noise. His kids (roughly 10 years old) were literally jumping off their kitchen chairs onto the floor (my ceiling). He was extremely defiant and by the time I got back home, the noise was even worse.

I am fully convinced each time we report the noise, he retaliates by purposely making even louder noises. It really feels like he instructs them to jump and stomp loudly after we replrt him. He, and his kids, are now incapable of walking without stomping as loud as they possible can. They slam doors and sprint around their apartment like a track meet.

This has had a significant effect on my relationship and my mental health. I despise actually being in my apartment, and the stress of nonstop thunderous stomping has lead to more minor arguments with my partner.

We have documented this issue endlessly, but each time he retaliates and it becomes even worse.

After endless reports, our property manager said he may allow us to move units. Unfortunately it would have to be the same floor plan, meaning I would have to continue to pay the same rent (I am currently on the 2nd to top floor) while moving all the way down the 2nd floor, and swapping a view of our pool for a view of a busy road.

Just overall a very shitty situation. I have lived in apartments for over a decade and NEVER experienced anything like this. Lesson has been learned, I will never be renting an apartment again.

This weekend we finally snapped posted 2026-02-22

So earlier this month I posted about how my upstairs neighbors have completely ruined my apartment due to their excessive stomping and banging. Management has basically offered us 2 paths to fix this issue: call the cops every day or move to a different unit in our building on a lower floor and no longer facing the water, while still paying the same rent. I was very close to taking this deal but Reddit made me realize that is totally bullshit, so we are still in the original unit.

Anyways, this weekend my partner and I had our 2 year old at his grandmother's. We finally had some time to spend with just one another, and around 10pm on Friday our upstairs neighbor got home and began stomping extremely loud. This completely deflated our mood. On Saturday morning, we were awoken with the loudest stomping and slamming yet, starting at 8am. This noise literally went on non-stop until 11pm last night. This isn't just someone walking loudly. You have to literally go out of your way to be this loud (and destructive, we can literally hear the ground cracking and our walls shaking). Today, it was the same thing, with the addition of a thunderous sound I can only equate to picking up a fully packed luggage bag and dropping it above your head onto our ceiling. That is exactly what it sounded it, every 20 minutes or so.

Now, my partner did a much better job at handling this mess than I did when it began. But we are stressed, sleep-deprived, and yesterday her friend came over and was exposed to how bad the noises are. When she was awoken early today by the noises, she was not having it. After a few hours, she snapped. She grabbed the broom, smashed our ceiling back, and yelled "SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THE NOISE". Somehow, this worked. The noise completely stopped and has been quiet for hours now. I am sure it will return, probably even worse, shortly. But good for her. We are done sitting back and letting this person ruin our lives.

Today, she also sent an email to our manager saying we need to be let out of our lease immediately, citing the noise and us having to wear headphones to sleep. She is only 110lbs but this issue has her like a rabid dog, and I love it. I will update when we hear back from management about breaking our lease.

Neighbor from Hell has been EVICTED! posted 2026-05-19

In part 1 of my posts on here I described how my shitty upstairs neighbor & his out-of-control kid have ruined my brand new apartment. He would constantly stomp, run, slam things and make noises so loud my walls would shake and my wifi would go out. This noise started at 6:30am and would legitimately go on until 1am, sometimes even as late as 3am.

I reached my first (of many) breaking points on Thanksgiving eve when the noise was so bad my girlfriend legitimately thought they were going to fall through the ceiling. I politely knocked on his door to ask him to limit the noise and he was completely defiant. From there, his behavior was completely retaliatory, meaning the noise was incredibly worse. When walking to the bathroom, he would purposefully stomp instead of walk like a normal human.

We eventually got management involved, and they told us he actually accosted the 65-year-old woman manager when she called him for the first time. They also found out his kid(s?) were never put on his lease. Both of these things, in addition to his noise, resulted in him getting multiple lease violations.

Unfortunately, nothing changed. The noises never got better. The only solution management gave us was to forfeit our water view on the 5th floor, and move into a 2nd-floor unit facing the street while paying the same price.

We passed. After weeks of never-ending stomping, I wrote how my girlfriend finally snapped in part 2. After this incident, our neighbor began racking up even more lease violations. One incident included him going at least 30mph in our parking garage and nearly hitting my girlfriend.

Well, after 8 months of torture, he has finally been evicted. All of his bullying, lying, evading, and endless noise finally caught up to him. It is bittersweet, however, because we are leaving this complex in a few months ourselves. So our lasting memory of our first apartment together will be nothing but the loudest stomping and slamming that we put up with for nearly a full year.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Mean_Conference7340

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole + their own page

Previous BoRU by u/LucyAriaRose

[Old New Updates]: AITA for refusing to cook for my family’s Christmas event?

Trigger Warnings: child abuse, verbal abuse, exploitation, destruction of property

RECAP

Original Post: December 23, 2025

Throwaway account because I’m pretty sure some of mt family scroll on reddit.

I (15f) really like baking and cooking food. Most of the time I’m making everyone little treats to try or I’m cooking dinner for my family from our background and it’s sort of one of mt love languages, often I’ll bring food to family events because my aunts and uncles are busy all the time and have little time to make food before they host parties and stuff and because I’m not working yet I have more time to make all this fun stuff.

So on Christmas we typically open presents at home then all have lunch and /or dinner at someone’s house. But this year my mum said we wouldn’t all be together. was a bit upset but was like alright, that’s fine with me. then my aunt calls me and asks me if I’ve thought of what food I’m making for Christmas night. I asked what she meant and she told me she’s having a party and mt mum promised I’d make food for everyone. I didn’t really have a problem with that, as I said I love cooking and it was early notice. So I was just like “oh I’ll get ready at this time, and then I’ll have time to make the food”. She asked why I’d be getting ready.

She said it’s an “adult” party, but then I asked for more info, and she mentioned cousins my age were going. So I was kind of upset and asked why I was the only one not going. She said my mum thinks I just not mature enough for a late party. I told her it honestly just sounded like an excuse. then I hung up. I went to my mum, and she didn’t see a problem with me not going, but I told her there’s no way I’m putting effort into that if I’m being excluded. I started crying atp and it made my mum angry, and she said I was being selfish and acting like a child.

I kept pressing for a proper reason, but my mum kept saying “I don’t want you going and I’m your mother so that’s that”. My tone was very rude by this point because I was on the verge of tears and my mum said if I don’t make the food they’ll have to order food, and I’ll inconvenience everyone. I said, “then order it.” and ended the convo. I called my dad and he’s saying he’ll come down to where I live and we can drive up to his for Christmas so I can be with family that wants me there. So even if I wanted to help now I will be two hour drive away.

But basically they have no food plans for the party now. I suggested local chicken shops that do delivery, or even buying frozen food from the shops, but they’re saying they don’t wanna do that. While they didn’t want me there, I know everyone was counting on me for food and now from their perspective I’m saying no and being selfish because I wanted to spend Christmas with dad. and I’m usually one to try see both sides but this is really difficult, cus ofc I’m biased and my feelings are hurt so outside perspective would be nice. Thank u for any feedback :) p.s sorry if this is confusing pls feel free to ask like extra things I didn’t mention I’m incredibly tired rn and may have left some details out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, I'm very glad that your dad at least is there for you and actually wants to spend Christmas with you. I'm assuming your parents are divorced, who has primary custody or is it split 50/50? Could you talk to your dad about staying with him, since it seems like your mom doesn't want you around?

OOP: Yes they’re divorced and have been for a little bit of five ish years. Most of the time it’s 50/50 but my dad got a promotion at work and so he works more often and just lets me stay at my mums when he’s extra busy. But he does say even if he is at work I'm always welcome in his house so I think he would not mind if I was there all the time.

Commenter 2: Just curious ... are the cousins your age that are attending male or female?

OOP: all guys.

Commenter 3: Has your mom done other things like this recently? Basically using you for her own gain?

OOP: Not that I’ve noticed or had a problem with. She often volunteers me to be making the food or babysitting and things like that during family events but at least I’m usually invited to those ones. Anyway there’s not much other situations that REALLY bothered me or made me upset that I can think off the top of my head

Commenter 4: Your family sounds like they might be of an ethnic background that has different values. If not, then they are real AH’s. Good for you for standing your ground. Merry Christmas anyway.

OOP: we have a Balkan background but it’s not the case where this is a sort of custom. Also I think there’s more Australian born than actual European born in my family by now. Merry Christmas to you ! :)

Commenter 5: NTA. You are old enough to cook for the party, but not old enough to actually go to the party? That's not how it works. Who does your family think you are, Cinderella?

Update #1: December 26, 2025 (three days later)

Hi guys! I had comments and pms asking for an update, so here it is quickly. This next part is also fluff and random stuff about fun things from my Christmas, so feel free to skip. I separated it to hopefully make it easier to read.

I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas. Feel free to chat in the comments about what you got I love talking about the holidays :) I for one got a vintage car from my dad which was INSANE and I started crying. When I say crying I mean I was balling my eyes out. For anyone who knows cars, it’s a ford falcon XY. I can’t drive yet but all I talk about is cooking and cars. He said I can have it for “collection

until I can start driving it around and insinuated I can have even more cars when he frees up his storage shed near his work. I couldn’t not cry I was so insanely excited. By far my best Christmas.

---

I took a lot of comments into account with advice and also the nice messages as well, so I was feeling confident in my decisions. So yes I did end up spending Christmas with my dad. I was at home and mum was at work on Christmas Eve, he drove the hours and picked me up. I left mum a little message letting her know I was with dad. My message was followed by 34 messages of her just telling me I’m the worst daughter ever basically. She didn’t say those exact words. I blocked her and removed the conversation. But she was basically saying how dare I leave without telling her, how dare I spend Christmas with not my family. Then it was a spam of messages telling me she was going to smash my things, and she better not see me at new year’s because she’s furious and doesn’t want to look at my face. I’ll copy and paste from my notes the message I wrote back.

“I look forward to my Christmas with dad’s side who were happy to see me. And guess what? I don’t even have to cook for them. They aren’t relying on a teenager to feed 30 people. They’re ordering food like normal people. Like people who actually care about the people around them?? Mum idk what your problem was but that whole situation hurt so bad and you are the one person who’s meant to be on my side if no one at all. I will see you after new year’s and maybe we can talk.” My dad helped me write it out. She kept messaging but then I blocked her, so I’d stop getting spammed and cried a little but then I felt better. Me and dad got to the house and you guys. Along with the car there was so. Many. Presents. I have never seen such a crowded Christmas tree in my LIFE. like I was ecstatic I felt like a toddler in a toy shop.

---

Christmas was overall so nice. My dad’s girlfriend is very sweet, and her son is really funny and he’s one of those people that you can tell are gonna make a cool uncle one day, if that makes sense. I saw some comments suggesting making food and posting it to piss off my mum. My dad had the exact same idea and laughed when I told him my friends had also said that (it was you guys, but I think if he knows I posted it he’ll be angry a little bit but it’s okay). So I did end up baking, but it was with my dad’s girlfriend. Her name is Annie. She looks a lot like Jennifer Aniston. We made the classic Christmas trifle (Aussies know) and Biscoff cheesecake which literally had me foaming at the mouth. She also likes baking and bought me a really cool book with fun difficult recipes to try. I posted them on Facebook and my dad’s girlfriend posted some to her Instagram that my aunt stalks with a photo of me pretending to lick the cakes and stuff. It was a fun little photoshoot more than anything.

I say all these nice things, so you know my Christmas was really good, even with what I’m about to say happened during/after.

---

My aunt decides to post a long message on Facebook complaining about not having me there, saying I abandoned the family. Then started talking bad about my dad, calling him names. I reported the post then called her and basically told her to take it down if she wants to speak to me ever again and to not talk bad on the one person that actually wanted me for Christmas, and he did ten times more than she was willing to give me with support and all this other stuff. I was kind of spewing words because I was upset. I don’t care about her Facebook friends talking shit about me, but my dad deserved better than that. She didn’t say anything just hung up and 20 minutes later it was deleted. A lot of family members continued to message me to yell at me. my dad said just block them and enjoy Christmas but then came the spam calling. I did sort of have a panic attack at Christmas dinner, so he had to calm me down and take my phone for a bit till all the notification stopped. They only stopped at midnight when I guess everyone was tired of it. I think it’s safe to say I’m going to live with my dad full time. I’m upset and nervous because school and everything is down with mum but hopefully if I can’t live with dad, I can stick out four years at mums and when I get my full driver’s license I can be at dads whenever I’m not at school.

Thanks for reading my word vomit. Happy holidays and new year’s to everybody! :))

Edit: I retrieved the messages after some commenters advice! Thanks for anyone who let me know it was smart to keep them

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It wasn't wise to remove your mom's messages... You might need them if child protection services are involved, and it's highly likely they will, because it's definitely child abuse. Living with your mom won't be easy from now on, because you've put your foot down and abusers hate it. Your adulthood is very soon, it will be better then. :) Good luck!

OOP: Thank you! I recovered the messages after seeing some of these comments and screen recorded it all with her number in it as well

Commenter 2: My stepfather had a vintage Falcon that he had restored. It’s a really cute car!

OOP: I love mine so much!, glad my dad was able to even find one

----OLD NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: the next three posts are over nine months old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

Update #2: January 5, 2026 (10 days later)

Hey guys, I tried to post this earlier today, but it kept glitching.

This is gonna be my last update for a while until I have more info but imma tell you what happened post new year’s. Also I keep seeing pms of people asking me if it’s fake. Why would I get on this app and pretend to be in a family crisis to do with food if it isn’t making me money? Think about that before you comment! :) anyway onto the semi update.

So my dad did go and get my things. A lot of my belongings are destroyed. He saw things like makeup packaging and stuff broken on the floor, and my mirror was shattered mostly. As well as a part of my wall was obviously punched in. He couldn’t salvage my picture frames, I had glass ones sitting on my side desk and in my wardrobe of family photos and friends. Those ones also cost lots of money to get done for some reason. But anyway she also destroyed my laptop, camera and a lamp. It was the prettiest pink flower lamp so honestly I’m incredibly pissed but my dad has offered to replace everything. I feel bad but he keeps insisting so at least I know I’ll be getting those things back. My grandma was there while he was retrieving what was left and was berating him and yelling at him and saying all these really mean things to him. I feel bad for making him go alone.

On my dad’s way back home my mum called me and said her and dad had talked. She said she knew I wanted to live with dad and not to worry cus she wasn’t gonna fight it. She was very monotone about all this. Which I know I wanted to stay with dad, but it upset me that she sounded like she didn’t care. She said it was easier than the 50/50 we have going on and it would be easier to just visit sometimes. I said, “well you can’t just choose when to be my mum what do you mean you’d just visit?” I know I said I didn’t want contact with her but it’s like make up your mind? And she was just talking so like matter of factly. I told her it was a really hard decision to choose living with dad full time and it sounds like it wasn’t really all that hard for her. She said “well, it wasn’t. I think we need space.”

ATP I started balling my eyes out lol. If you couldn’t tell already I’m quite sensitive. Trying to not be tho. Anyway I hung up and an hour later my dad came home to me and his gf on the couch doing breathing exercises, which was very embarrassing. I honestly really hate having panic attacks in front of people. They were both very nice about it but ughh I hate being seen as someone who needs help!!! But that night my dad’s stepson I guess you’d call it, drove me to kfc and I felt a lot better after that.

As I’ve said, thanks for all the sweet messages. They really mean a lot to me. Seeing then TikTok comments on the og post that got posted made me tear up, everyone was being so nice and gushing about the car which made me happy. again I prob won’t update for a while until everything’s settled or unless something happens again. If I don’t end up coming back thank you so much for ur help! :) happy holidays

Edit: not sure if I had to remind people in the comments who said “update me” or if commenting that sends them a notification or something but um.. ignore the spam of “it’s posted” messages! idk if they’re asking me or reddit to update them

2nd edit: sorry if I do not reply! Not on this post but I get a lot of pms or comments after I post and I try to quickly just reply to you guys when I can. But I do read every single one of them. Thank you :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m so sorry having a power hungry abusive parent is so hard and horrible especially in your teens (ask me how I know lol). I’m so happy and relieved that you managed to get away from her and are now with you dad full time, normally once they breach the boundary of being physically intimidating through punching walls and smashing stuff their next step is then getting physical with you. Would it be possible for you to move schools at all to one closer to your dad?

Did you ever confront your family on how they treated you compared to your cousins that were the same age? And were there any other signs of sexism going on or are you the only girl in the younger generation of the family?

Also as a heads up your story is now circulating on TikTok by a pretty big page so if you get a sudden influx that’s why.

OOP: Thank you! She did used to get physical with me, but it sort of stopped when I got to high school. So this isn’t really surprising to me lol. And yes I am moving schools!

I’ve never brought up the sexism thing because honestly I’d never seen it as much as other families with our same background, but it is a thing where boys are excused for a lot of things and girls get put under a microscope if that makes sense.

I did see that TikTok, I’ve been trying to tell everyone thank you because the comments were so sweet!

Update #3: January 11, 2026 (six days later)

hey guys, this one’s gonna be really short and most likely my final update.

I’ll stay logged in but I just don’t think anything will happen or at least not for a long while and people have also stopped asking me for updates lol

so I’m in hospital right now. last night I had back to back seizures and so I’m here getting tests and everything. I’m feeling okay I think! but I’m including this as an update because my mum tried to take me from the hospital. At first I didn’t know how she knew I was here, my location is off on everything and she’s blocked on everything. but one of the nurses that work here is my mums uncles cousin or something and she’s been telling everybody I’m missing. like wtaf.

she tried to sign me out, but my dad saw her and told the lady that she’s not allowed to see me, but my mum managed to charge up to my floor. that lady has a bulldozer switch on her I swear. I was asleep when all this happened, but basically the police got called on her by the hospital staff. She hit a nurse on the way up to my floor, so my dad has said she’s probably going to be charged with assault or something, but we obviously don’t know if the nurse pressed charges. the police were there tho, and they talked to me about my mum. but this has pushed my dad to get me some sort of no contact or restraining order or something. he’s working on it. I’m not entirely sure what he’s doing but he’s working on it.

I hope whoever wanted to see this sees it, and thanks for all the well wishes and advice I’ve been getting! it’s much appreciated. :)

small edit: thank you for all the well wishes <3 my doctors said it was most likely stress related seizures and I will stay to be observed but I should be okay

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this latest update

Editor's note: I am adding a tangential post related to OOP's health from the previous post to share how things were going.

stress seizures: January 20, 2026 (nine days later)

hi guys :) hope everyone had a nice day.

so I don’t have epilepsy nor have I ever had a seizure before this year. I’ve had five seizures this year. First, I had a stress related seizure, two back to back. I was in the hospital and have now been here in for like a week. I’ve had some tests done but my doctors say the results are inconsistent with one another. I have no clue what that means. I’m wondering if anyone else gets stress seizures epileptic or not. I’m feeling a little down. it’s summer where I am and this is not how I thought I’d be spending it. but hopeful

OOP shares on what has taken place so far when she was admitted to the hospital

OOP: I have had five tests done across this week! Some were tests for I think they said neurology stuff and then I did some blood testing as well :)

Commenter: Functional or epileptic seizures are still real no matter how they present. If you don’t understand your results ask questions. Have the questions written down as you think of them.

I think stress lower my seizure threshold. I have been proven to have epileptic seizures. It’s hard to control life around to keep the seizures “away”. I am usually very active during the summer. Last summer I spent a lot of time not doing things. I am going to try and find ways to live life. Instead of being someone who watches life pass. It’s hard to process life and adjust post seizures. My first documented seizure December 2024.

OOP: I like that way of looking at it! My dad is mostly talking to my doctors about everything and tries to explain it as best he can. Good luck by the way :)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/throwthisaway7886688

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for distancing myself from my girlfriend after she told me she used to be a bully at school

Trigger Warnings: mentions cancer

Original Post: May 27, 2020

I (26M) had been dating my girlfriend (23F) for a few months. We were at her house tidying the attic and then we found some pictures of her as a teenager with some friends. I asked her how popular she was at school. I was quite popular, had a lot of friends, and was just wondering.

What she said turned my mind around. She said she used to have some sort of "mini gang" of friends who were always criticising and insulting this other group of girls. I asked why. She said one of the girls in the other group lost a parent to cancer and had since been upset, not talkative, and randomly crying. She said the girl was a crybaby in a 15 year old's body and should just "get over it". The other girls apparently always were comforting the upset girl. She called them the four teen mums due to their hugs and support.

I was upset about this. I've lost two grandparents to various cancers, and I was very upset when it happened and I understood what it was like to be the girl who was upset. I also didn't think my girlfriend had any remorse or regret for what she had done judging by how she spoke of the girl and her friends. We finished tidying the attic and then I went home later that day.

I had since been only responding to some of her messages, and our country has went in lockdown. When she asked about my constant inactivity, I told her the truth. She was angry and yelled at me on the phone that her past shouldn't matter to me and that the girl shouldn't be important. As someone who has lost loved ones to cancer, I disagree. She has since been cold with me, I have tried talking to her several times and calling her, but she just ignores me. AITA?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Your girlfriend isn't a teenager anymore. She's well past the age where she should realize that shit isn't okay. I would have said everyone sucks here if she felt bad about who she used to be, and you didn't give her a chance. But it sounds like she has no remorse. In which case, yeah. She's the asshole.

OOP: I only really distanced myself from her because she had no remorse, if it was just some stuff she had done when she was 15 and immature and she was sorry I wouldn't have cared. But she still refers to the girl as a crybaby and other insults. Thank you.

Commenter 2: What’s your goal here? You distanced yourself from her, you’ve ignored her messages, which makes sense if you think she’s an unrepentant bully. But if so, why are you calling her or upset she doesn’t respond?

What do you want? To stay with her while feeling morally superior?

OOP: I was more of wondering if I was TA for wanting to distance myself from her because of what happened years ago, and whether the fact she does not regret it is a good enough reason.

Commenter 2: If it’s a good enough reason for you, it’s a good enough reason. There aren’t objective rules about feeling affection.

OOP: Okay, thank you.

Commenter 3: Ok cool, so you're ghosting at 26 and your criticizing your partner for acting childish as a child.

OOP: I am not ghosting her. I have tried calling her to talk to her, and I only went cold with her initially to think things through.

Commenter 4: NTA. If she got to 23 and doesn't understand that her bullying was wrong, she might still be a bully. Red flag.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: May 29, 2020 (two days later)

I called my then-girlfriend last night and told her that I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship with her because of her lack of empathy and she was still a bully. She did not beg me to stay, in fact she yelled at me down the phone that she was better off without a guy who "obsesses over her past" and she hopes I "enjoy being miserable without her" at that point I called bullshit on talking to her again and hung up.

While I enjoyed the relationship before I saw her true colors, I decided to block her and unfriend her on all social media I have. I didn't want her to ever talk to me again. As I said, I lost loved ones to cancer just like the girl she bullied lost a parent to, and it offended me a lot.

One of our mutual friends texted me and told me my ex had put up a post on Instagram claiming she broke up with me because I criticised her too much. Luckily her account's private so not the whole world can see but I was outraged and told her the truth. She was shocked and followed to make a post on her Instagram telling the truth about it and I made one on mine. My ex's like count and follower count dropped. Several people also say they have blocked her too. It serves her right.

This morning, one of our mutual friends has left me, but all others have stayed by my side. It turned out the one mutual friend who left me was in fact one of the girls in the photo we found in the attic, who also partook in the bullying, but she changed her style a lot when she left school, at least a couple of my other mutual friends told me some of whom also went to the same school but weren't bullies.

I'm enjoying my life now. I haven't looked back and I hope after the lockdown I'll find someone new.

Thank you everyone.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Sea-Throwaway03309

Me [24F] with my roommate [28F] at a loss for how to handle her.

Original Post  Aug 5, 2015

Throwaway to be safe and some details have been altered. But otherwise wall of text incoming.

I met (let's call her Jane) at work. I was moving out of my parents place and she was looking to move too. We got along really well at work, and after talking for awhile we decided to move in together. We find a place, life is wonderful for about 2 months.

Then drama starts. Let's being with Jane and my best friend who we will call Matt. Jane met Matt while helping me moving in. They hit it off and start date about 2 weeks later. Fast forward 6 weeks he dumps her, for a number of reasons. Matt said she got clingy quick, and that she was immature for her age among other things. He was civil about it though and just told her it wasn't working out sorry. She lost it, and I mean lost it. Crying about he was the one, she was so sure of it. She was convinced she was pregnant, took a test but it came out negative. For the next month she proceeded to "ban" his name from the apartment and grill me any time I was hanging out with him.

Now things have changed, Matt is "allowed" to come over now. She has "moved on". She has been bringing a different guy back every weekend for the last 2 months, apparently she meets them online. No judgement sleep with whoever you want but, she got a new job which she tends to work mornings. So she leaves and let's the guy stay. I don't know him and she barely knows him, I've tried talking to her but she just brushes me off saying that it's okay I trust him. Seriously? You barely know him!!!!!

Secondly aside from her relationship drama, she always complains about how money is tight or she doesn't have money for food, but she comes home with new clothes every damn week from stores like Nordstrom or Victoria's Secret, those bras ain't cheap! I've been buying the bulk of food and other shared stuff. I'm gettin tired of spending most of my money on food. Once again say something and I get brushed off.

Finally she is not neat. We both have a cat. Mine is an older cat, about 5yrs. Hers is a kitten about 8months. We have three litter boxes, one in each of our rooms and one in a common area. I clean mine regularly and we are suppose to take turns for the shared space one. I can smell her box all the time. She cleans it maybe once a month, never the shared space one. She never cleans her dishes, or the bathrooms, anything! I feel like I am always cleaning.  I've tried talking to her and she always says she will try but we are almost 6 months in and nothing.

Any advice on how to approach her on these issues? I have started dreading coming home, which I don't like. I don't have family close, I have friends but I want to be able to relax in my own him. I am not planning on renewing the lease with her unless I see some drastic changes, but I have 6 months still to go.

tl;dr roommate has boy drama, cleanliness issues, and complains about money, advice on what I should do since talking has yet to work?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheGreatAvacado

Break your lease or sublet and move out. There are too many problems to address in a reasonable time frame and think of any losses incurred as recuperated by all her food you won't be buying anymore + the peace of mind that your roommate isn't crazy.

OOP

I've been thinking of subletting, I can't afford to break the lease unfortunately.

Update  Aug 6, 2015 (Next Day)

First off thank you everyone for the advice, after sitting down writing everything out and rereading it I feel stupidly naive for letting this go on for so long. But that is my fault.

Wall of texting coming, apologies this is part anger and ranting, but also asking for some advice.

Edit for my other post:I said I moved out of my parents place, but I have no family close. I needed to move because my parents decided to move to a different state for my fathers job. I could have gone with them or find my own place. I was in my last year of college, been saving up and had a promise of a full time position once I graduated, so I found my own place. Yay for being an adult. On to the disaster of a day.

Thursday's are days I get off work early, and I know she has them off. So I sent her a text telling her we need to talk, she replied with ok. So I headed home prepared to talk to her, and hopefully work this out at least until the lease is up

We live in a nice apartment complex. A Few downsides, everything is electric. Heat and hot water included in that, which is somewhat nice since that means we only have two household bills so to speak. Internet and electricity. We split the bills, internet is in my name electricity in hers and each month we tell the other person what their half is. We also do not have a washer or dryer in unit, it's shared for the whole complex. This is important.

As I walked down the hall to our door she passed me and said she just needed to go change her laundry over. Okay we will taklk when she comes back. As soon as I walked into our apartment I knew some thing was off. I sorta of glanced around and then it hit me, we have no power, fridge isn't running, lights won't turn on, all the little humming sounds of power are gone. Hallway lights are on so the building has power. Check the breaker box, everything is fine. She hasn't come back I called her cell, no answer.

Our power company has the option for online billing, where a statement is emailed instead of getting a hard copy every month. That what she does, I have it for the Internet too no big deal. Well now I am wondering why we have no power. So I called the power company and give them as much information as I could. Surprise they couldn't talk to me, but I asked if they could at least give me a vague reason as to why our power was off. Which the lovely lady said, there is an overdue payment on the account, I can't tell you how much but that is the reason. Jane had yet to come back so I sent her a text message that said I know the electric bill is over due, I want the username and password for the online account. She gave it to me. First and only response I have gotten since we passed in the hallway. Used my phone to log in. The account is over due by $600. Checked the payment history, she hasn't paid since the first month, so they cut the power until the entire bill is paid.

With no power, there is no hot water, no way to cook, and obviously no lights or anything.

So I am done. Not even going to try talking to her. I called my parents told them what was going on and as much as I don't like asking for help, I asked them if the would lend me enough so I can break the lease and just get out. They are both very upset, my father was raging in the background about how selfish and irresponsible she is. They agreed to lend me the money. I called the leasing office explained the whole situation to them and am going over tomorrow first thing to fill out the paperwork.

As far as I know she hasn't gone back to the apartment, I don't know where she is, she won't answer my calls or texts for an explanation. I got my friend Matt to come help me move everything out. Thankfully I don't own much.  He is letting me store my stuff and letting me and my cat live with him until I find a new place to live. Awesome guy I tell you.

I have no idea what will happen with her and I don't care. Call me selfish or mean but that was the last straw I will not live with someone who steals from me, which in my mind is what she did. I was going to try some of the suggestions made from people in my last post and wait out until our lease was up but nope. Last straw not doing

Not sure if I have any options for getting back the bill money but at this point I don't care. I've already cancelled the Internet and I think I will just cut my losses on that front.

tl;dr found out roommate hasn't been paying the electric bill when the company cut our power, am leaving as quickly as I can.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

armony-

What happened to her kitten?

OOP

I didn't mention her kitten mainly because I suppose it could be considered stealing? I don't have her kitten (my cat and her kitten got along well but Matts house isn't that big and he already has a cat) but one of my other friends has her. I couldn't leave her there, she is such a sweet loving kitten. My friend has totally fallen in love her too.

Update 2  Aug 11, 2015 (6 Days Later)

There were few questions in the comments I thought I would clear up, and also and update as to what happened.

There were several people who asked about her kitten. I do not have her kitten, a good friend of mine has been taking care of the kitten. The apartment we lived in was all electric, and with no power (or indication the bill was going to be paid) that meant no way to cool the apartment. The windows all faced one direction so no chance for a nice cross breeze. Our apartment would heat up quite a bit without the air on and it is summer. It has been very hot and humid, so yes I took the kitten. There is more on the kitten to follow.

I debated, spoke with the father of a friend who is lawyer and weighed my options on getting the money back. Frankly in the grand scheme of things its not that much money, and I would rather be done with her and just move on that deal with her crazy.

Onto the update!

So the day after my update I went to the leasing office to take care of business. A lovely gentlemen who I will call Mark must have over heard me talking with the lady who was helping me with the paper work, because he came over and started asking questions about what was going on. Because I have stopped giving a shit about Jane and her life and who knows what kind of person she is, I told him what was going on. Now I assumed Mark was another employee curious about the drama he overheard. Nope when I finished my story and he introduced himself as the owner of the leasing company and building. He asked if he could come along for the walk through, sure why not.

We went and looked at the apartment, her room is a disaster but other than the apartment was just how I left it. I don't think she ever came back.

When we got back to the office Mark sat me down and explained that he owned quite a few of the apartment buildings in the area.  He told me that he dealt with a shitty roommate once upon a time and felt for me. Told me if I wanted to he would wave the fees for breaking the lease, take my half of the security deposit put it towards a new one and only one month rent (instead of first and last month rent) if I wanted to choose one of the other locations. Which means I would only need to pay half a security deposit and one month of rent. Awesome deal but I asked him if I could think about it and he gave me his cell number, said he completely understood.

I went back to Matt's, told him what happened and we did some looking at the other buildings Mark owns. Found one I liked good area, close to work. No pool or gym but I can live without those. Called the lawyer I spoke with before and he told me as long as I get everything in writing it sounds like a good deal. So called Mark, told him which property I was looking at and he told me there was a once bedroom coming available at the end of September. Matt told me I was welcome to stay with him until then. So Matt and I went to the new building met with Mark, and the leasing agents there, everything is in writing and signed. Yay for me.

As for Jane, she finally texted me last night. Asked me where my stuff was and what was going on. She kept bothering me to talk so I finally told her to meet me at a local coffee place. And we could talk. We sit down and I just laid it out for her, told her she was a shitty roommate, she 'stole' from me, and that I was done. I am moving to a different apartment, and I don't care what you do. She of course denied stealing from me, and I just sort of stared at her, and said that I gave you money for the power bill and you obviously didn't use it for that so yea you kinda did. After while her reactions got amusing, she kept going from angry trying not to scream in my face to sad you should pity me. Trying to get me not to move, telling me all sorts of lies, how Matt hates me, all my friends hate me, blah blah blah. I was on the verge of tears trying to hold my laughter back. Of course me trying not to laugh mad her more angry than upset. Finally she told me that I was just jealous of her looks and ability to get guys, and that she was planning on moving into [insert random guy here]'s house because they are in love. I said okay, finally I asked her about her kitten. I told Jane that her kitten is with a friend and what does she want to do with it. Apparently [insert random guy here] is allergic to cats so she was planning on getting rid of it anyway so friend can have it. I just smiled, pulled a note book out and wrote down that she was freely giving up the kitten to my friend, and asked her to sign it.  No idea if that will be any good should she decide she wants the kitten but it is better than nothing. I left after that, wished her a good life and said never contact me again.  

My friend was thrilled to be able to keep jane's kitten. My friend has named her Nala.

That is it, I have a new place to move into, Matt is being awesome and letting me live with him until I can move in, the kitten has a new wonderful home, and I don't care where Jane is anymore. Not my problem :)

tl;dr: Everything worked out amazingly for me and I really have no care for how things are working out for Jane

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is my first attempt at a BORU, I hope everything is formatted correctly!

Original BORU posted by [u/bestupdator](u/bestupdator) 6 years ago

I AM NOT OOP. OOP IS [u/ineedhelp993](u/ineedhelp993)

I need someone to talk to. Help a brother in need. Please help me

Originally posted to [r/army](r/army)

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal Thoughts

MOOD SPOILER: Sad at first, ends full of hope

Glossary of terms and further context provided by u/ms_ellery

1LT - First Lieutenant 2LT - Second Lieutenant (lowest officer rank)

CPT - Captain

XO - executive officer, second in line under the commanding officer

MAJ - Major

CoC - chain of command

BH - Behavioral Health

BOLC - Basic Officer Leadership Course

SF - Special Forces

NTC - National Training Center

So, essentially, OOP was straight out of officer training and his first assignement threw him into the position of acting Captain (position basically 2 ranks above his own) and not properly supported by the chain of command above or below him. 

Original post August 27, 2019

Throw away because my account for for sure give me away

I’m losing my god damn mind, I’ve only here for a month but i am so tired of the isolation I feel as an officer.

I’m miserable, and I do my best to hide my miserable self from my wife so she doesn’t worry. She’s training at the moment, and the only reason why I haven’t killed myself is because she doesn’t deserve to come home to me in a closet, but I’m so damn close to just offing myself somewhere else so she doesn’t have to see me when she gets backs.

If I go to my chain as a freshly arrived LT I’ll probably not be taken seriously about these issues, I feel cornered with no one to turn to.

I want to talk to someone get shit off my chest because it’s heavy

Sorry for the long rant, But so tired of feeling like this, I’m not happy and I want it to end

Thank you for taking the time to read this Your friendly butter bar

I’ll have a 20 pc McNugget with large fries and a diet Dr Pepper

UPDATE: To those who reached out to me Thank you so damn fucking much for the support

From talking to everyone from Private to Field Grade and everyone in between I can’t thank you enough for the encouragement and support.

I’m staying with a fellow LT and will be going tomorrow to seek help regardless of what my CoC thinks.

Again thank you ladies and gentlemen for your words. I’ll be updating you all soon

OOP left two top comments on his own post:

OOP: I’m afraid to be honest that they’ll boot my ass cause I’m seriously contemplating it. I did heavily last night and it’s hard to not show up.

And I see people messaging me, but I’m currently at work and am projected to get off at 1800 so I’m sorry for the delay in responses

Commenter's reply: Nobody gets booted simply for having some suicidal thoughts. That's just not how any of this works. We wouldn't have much of an Army otherwise. So get some help. If you're paranoid about your chain of command, start with a chaplain. But honestly, you probably need the full BH range of treatment options. And that's okay.

BTW, more than one of my former LT patients, who have been hospitalized for BH, have gone on to win combat decorations for valor. The lesson learned should be, the Army wants you fixed up and in the fight. Having you secretive, and dead, doesn't do any good for anybody. Least of all you, but also your wife. Get better then. For her and for you. The Army would appreciate it too.

DM me if needed.

OOP: Im afraid man, just pop smoke tomorrow and tell my boss “hey I’m going to BH now sorry you weren’t tracking these issues” I have no clue what the fuck to do. Was never counseled on what the fuck to do and I’m winging it in a CPT slot. The constant shitting on when I don’t know shit “well no shit ds I’m a 2LT fresh out of BOLC In a CPt slot”

Commenter's reply: Yeah, that's exactly what you need to do. Your boss isn't going to give a flaming crap that he isn't tracking that you had any issues. It is SO not unusual for people to hide the turmoil behind some social mask - a decent human is going to be more concerned about your welfare.

I get it - you want the pain to go away. And right now, you feel like you're out of options.  But you haven't run out of options. At all.  Call the hotline. Call the Chaplain. Call Military OneSource. Go to the nearest emergency room.  And get help. Because you CAN get better. You owe it to yourself (and your wife) to get help.  DM me if you want to talk.

Other comments OOP replied to:

Commenter 1: Leaders need to take care of themselves first.  You can’t lead if you’re falling apart.

I was diagnosed bipolar after suffering for 15 years of service.  Go to behavioral health get yourself checked out, you probably don’t have anything chronic, but I never dreamed I would have a serious chronic illness either.

Here I am chomping on lithium and enjoying retirement.

OOP: The last bit gave me a chuckle I appreciate that.

Commenter 2: Update? How are you doing OP.

OOP: After talking to a Warrant and Captain I trust within my unit, I spoke to my boss. Both the XO and him took me to the ER to make sure I got the help I needed. At first I was pissed because all I want to do today is get back to work, but they both told me “The work will be there, but if you’re not we can’t get another you LT.

I’m doing better, my pride is getting in the way of me seeing the benefit of all of this, But I know it’s for the better

Update: I didn't do it June 22, 2020 (9 months later)

Thank you all, for those who reached out to me, Thank you so much.

If you don’t know why I’m saying thank you, look at my post history and you’ll know I wanted to off myself last year. My wife was gone to NTC, and I thought it would have been a perfect time to end it all.

I posted on here to reach out for some help and the community reached out to me and picked me up when I was down.

Thank you for all the people who reached out from the private who shot the shit with me on the phone , to the full bird who kept in contact with me, and didn’t berate me but talked to me like a son. To the female MAJ who treated me like her own and kept checking in monthly. To the SF dude who sent pics about trails he went on, in the local area when he was stationed here and gave me some solid life advice And the countless others.

Now instead of being 6 feet under and my wife a widow, I have a kick ass position, just bought a home with my beautiful wife, and I’ll be promoting to 1LT soon.

Thank you again, happy Monday everyone.

Edit: Jesus this blew up. Thank you again for the words of encouragement. You are all kick ass people and know when you’re down you have hundreds of people who want you here even if they don’t know you.

Have a fucking kick ass week people

OOP replied to many comment, these are a few:

Commenter 1: So glad you're still with us and congratulations on all your life achievements so far! I'm sure your wife is very proud of you as we all are :)

OOP: Thank you! She is, and I’m proud of what she’s doing . kicking ass and taking names

Commenter 2: That’s awesome man. Seeing this makes me happy. Life sucks sometimes but the support we receive from strangers is truly amazing sometimes

OOP: It really does make a difference even when shit sucks we as a community, will go through hell to make sure we’re safe. Thank you for the help

Commenter 3: This honestly put a huge smile on my face and made my day. I'm glad you're doing better, but if I may give some unsolicited advice I highly recommend you speak to a therapist, just to have someone impartial you can talk to every now and then should you need it.

Anyway, keep it up! Life can be really fucking shitty at times, no matter what happens please remember that people care about you.

OOP: I definitely do! I got fed up with the Armys wait time with BH. (After I made an appointment the opening was 2-3 months out) So now I see a non Army therapist, and this will be month 10 with him. I wanted to get better and wasn’t going to let the wait time stop me.

I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowRAhh7sd](u/ThrowRAhh7sd)

Originally posted to: [r/relationship_advice](r/relationship_advice)

How do I(23M) gently break up with my gf(25F) without putting myself in hot water?

TRIGGER WARNING: lies, manipulation, slut shaming, sexual details implied, possible sexual coercion

Mood spoiler: good/happy ending from OP’s POV

Original post - October 1st, 2026

So I recently moved to this new city across the country for a new job, like back in October. Anyway around November I met this girl I used to go to high school with(she graduated before me). She was a super popular girl in high school, and I was not popular, but she still remembered me(surprisingly) and we caught up and she said she was the only one from high school who came all the way out here and lost touch with everyone and asked me if I knew anyone, and I was filling her in on the little I knew(also went to a different city for high school). Anyway, she said she would show me around, and one thing led to another and around January after talking we officially became a thing.

So I will be honest, she is the first woman I have been with, which is fine. I know she has been with people before me, but I didn’t care to ask, partly because I was a little scared to know. I guess I just thought I could ignore it.

Anyway, around June I started working at a new firm, and left the smaller one and joined this new firm and people are awesome. I hit it off and made friends with a lot of people. It was my first time making friends at work, and I was excited to see them. Like I actually liked going to work. These coworkers of mine all went to campuses and colleges around here, and many of them graduated from my girls school too. I didn’t really bring up my girl much, but they knew my girl went there and asked me for her name, but she has a common name, and anyway no one was sure if they knew her or not.

I came home and showed a photo I took with my coworkers when we went golfing, and my girlfriend looked at it and said she did not know any of them either. She explained it was a big school(it is, has a shit ton of people in the tens of thousands) and she hung out with a small crew.

Anyway, fast forward to two weeks ago, we had an official get together because my boss bought a new house, and had a housewarming barbecue and told us to come and bring a plus one if we wanted. I hang out with around 7 other guys, and 4 of them are in a relationship and all 4 were bringing their girls over. I asked my gf to come with me, and she vehemently refused. That should’ve been my first red flag, but anyway, I did not want to force her. Anyway since she wasn’t coming I carpooled with some of the other guys to the party.

We were at the party, and anyway, one of the girls there, one of my coworkers friends, spoke to me and she was in the same extracurricular club that my girlfriend mentioned and I told her. She asked if she could see a photo of my girlfriend and I showed her, and my coworker and he was like(not her name or the club but you get the point) “OH IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND RUN CLUB EMMA?”, and a lot of the people there looked at me, and a few of them started giggling, but two to three of my coworkers who I am tight with went around and stopped them from laughing.

One of the homies from the bigger group pulled me aside and asked me if I knew about her college life. I said no, and two of them, along with me, quickly spoke to my boss and they took me out to drinks after telling him something has come up. They had a mini meeting while me and two others sat in the car of their carpool guy. The guys who came on their own with their girls stayed, and the rest took me out.

Basically, unfortunately, I found out some like pretty bad stuff about her past. She was known around campus for being easy, and she was a frat sweetheart of sorts not just for her campus, but the campus of another school nearby too. Allegedly some stuff about how a few times she had been with more than one person at the same time. I legit could not breath and I started crying there, and thankfully those guys were there and they said it wasn’t my fault, and I didn’t know since I literally moved across the country.

I didn’t know what to do. I had asked her if she had anything from her past I should know about in the beginning and she said “aside from normal stuff no” and she said she didn’t want to disclose her prior relationships or anything and I was like “that’s fine”. But this was too much. I sat on this by myself for 3-4 days, while kinda ignoring her, until she showed up at my apartment and I kinda cried in front of her and told her what they told me. I was begging and hoping she would say some bs about how they were lying.

Instead she cried too and said she didn’t want me to find out and that it’s been 3 years since that stuff and she has been trying to put it behind her. We both cried and she went from sad, and then when she asked if I was thinking about breaking up, and I couldn’t give an answer, she got really angry and said I shouldn’t be insecure and stuff. She got like super angry, throwing stuff, broke my Xbox and what not, etc. She stormed out of my apartment, and two days later she showed up with a new console(not sure how she afforded it, she has no job) and apologized, and said she is proud of me for staying with her despite everything and she sees a long future for us especially since we met her parents together(they came down for her birthday earlier last month). I told her I am not sure if there is a future, and she left a little disappointed.

Anyway, we have a few mutual friends, and she sent two of out mutual friends over. Both women showed up unprompted over the last weekend(before this one) and told me that they knew her back then and now and that she has changed and I am really hurting her and I gotta give her a shot.

And then two hours after they left, my girlfriend showed up, got a bit angry, and then we made up and slept together for the first time after the original confrontation, and idk how it happened, but she said she was gonna move in.

I want to break up with her, but I have no idea how to at this point, and over last Thursday and Friday she started moving stuff into my place, and she spent this weekend and Monday and Tuesday with me(I work from home on Monday and on Tuesday I took the day off to be with her, and she isn’t currently employed) and she said she is going to tell her apartment to close out the lease and pay the fee for breaking the leasing agreement and move in with me. But she was with me all 3 days, and we stayed inside the entire time, I cooked and she cooked, and we doordashed food. It was nice for a bit because we could forget stuff every now and then, but we still argued anytime I tried to bring the situation up.

This situation, I feel, has escalated beyond my control. She seems to not take no for an answer. I am also an idiot because I do not know, every time I try to bring up what happens, she and I end up arguing, and then one thing leads to another, and then I am sleeping with her, and I feel like I am also a little fucked up in the head for going along with it. Idk why I can’t stop going along with her stuff, and what sucks is that the four days spent over were the first time she spent that much time over.

The guys at work told me to follow my heart, and they said they just wanted me to have the information, but the decision is mine and they said they will respect any decision I take, but I know they won’t respect me if I stay, and I know this because I wouldn’t respect a man in my situation for staying and I can’t even respect myself right now for staying.

How do I just cleanly break it off and tell her it’s over? But do it in a way where I am not put in hot water?

RELEVANT COMMENT THREADS(I will be abbreviating Commenter as ‘C’):

THREAD #1: OP’s fertility

C1: Dude stop lol. You tried to dump her and now she's moving in with you? You're gonna get her pregnant "by accident" and your shit is over. Stop talking to her.

OP to C1: Nah I was born with a condition leaves me functionally infertile without IVF(and even then it’s a very low chance and a 3 pointer shot), she is aware of that. Also I am not asking her to move in or anything, I feel like it’s outta my control, everything has slipped outta my control.

C1 to OP: Oh alright. Dang good for you lol

OP to C1: Yeah when I learned about it back when I was 19 my world was destroyed, but I came to terms with it and it’s been nice especially in this relationship. Off topic though.

THREAD #2: Break Up Discussion

C2: If you're breaking up, why do you care about being gentle? Just tell her it's over. But jfc, maybe stay single.

OP to C2: Idk I don’t want her to go berserk again, and then she stays and then we do the whole song and dance again. Maybe if I am gentle she will leave of her own volition and not feel like she has to be with me?

C3 to OP: She's about to break her lease and move herself in with you. This is not to time to be passive and hope for the best. You need to clearly tell her that you're breaking up with her, ideally when she's not in your home.

OP to C3: I don’t think you guys understand, it’s not like I haven’t tried doing this. What do you do when someone literally won’t listen or take no for an answer.

THREAD #3: How To End Things

C4: That's not how things work. Just end it and be done. Stop fucking around and STOP fucking sleeping with her. It's gross and makes you a fucking hypocrite. Her sexual history is disgusting and you don't respect yourself, but clearly it's ok as long as your dick gets wet.

OP to C4: It’s not like I want to, but then we start arguing and it gets hella stressful and one thing leads to another, and sometimes its the best way to stop the argument and calm her down so I am not continuously getting yelled out or my household items and things I care about are not in the line of fire. I will admit, I also don’t know how to react and need to stop going along with it, but you gotta understand it’s not like I am picking the argument being like “oh my god I hope I get to have sex with her”. I try to be firm, and then it doesn’t go that way.

C5 to OP: Is this ragebait? Just block her and stop interacting all together then. WTF

OP to C5: Me trying to block her was what caused her to come to my place Friday evening and spend until Tuesday with me. I genuinely don’t think you guys understand, it’s not like I haven’t tried to end it.

THREAD #4: Is Your Gf the Cornell girl?

C6: Hold up, is your girl the Cornell girl?

OP to C6: Uh, no? That was a rape case, why would I want to break up with my girl if she was a rape victim? She made it very clear all her prior stuff was consensual she I made sure to ask if she was coerced or not, and she wasn’t.

Update Post - October 7th, 2026

I was able to do it, thank god guys. So around 4 days ago, I just texted her it was over, and reported her to my apartment security, and asked them to disable her and my current key fobs for the place(my apartment has this electronic key fob instead of a physical key so thank god theres no need to change the locks or anything). They did it and I got new fobs. I had a pep talk with my coworkers(I gotta call them friends at this point, they have done so much to help me), and they guided me through the break up message and everything. I just did something along the lines of I am busy with work and want to focus on the new job, and we are different and incompatible, and we should see other people.

I told her that our mutual friends are more than welcome to come by and pick up her stuff, but she is not allowed back here. I know if she comes by or I see her here again, we’re just gonna sleep together again and I am back to square one. Couple of our mutual friends came by on Saturday to pick up her stuff, and yeah they showed a lot of attitude. Safe to say they may not be our mutual friends and just her friends. .

I went out for drinks with some of the guys from work after the ordeal was done. My friends from home follow her on insta(I blocked her on everything) and she made posts there about how she lost everything and the “love of her life” and essentially public messages directed at me. She also wrote some poems about being a changed person and what not. I got some of our high school mutuals messaging what happened, but I just left them on read or told them “it’s complicated but we broke up and we are over”. None of these morons except my actual friends even bothered contacting me after like the first two years of college but now that there is drama they suddenly care. So no tea for them lol.

The guys are helping me set up the dating apps and profiles again, but I am going to take at least a month or two, or fucking three and even four, to recover from this lmao. I think there will be some more fallout still. She showed up to the apartment on Sunday and got told by security they can’t let her in. I called our mutual friends(well hers now) and told them that they already picked everything up, and asked them why she’s coming and told them that she’s forcing my hand to take things the legal route. After that was when she made the online posts.

I am happy I was able to break free of this. I genuinely couldn’t even get myself to look at her without feeling guilty and regretting staying with her. This is better for me. And better for her too even if she can’t see it yet. She should be with someone who she doesn’t omit details of her past to, and someone who’s like cool with all that.

Being single again is certainly freeing. She hated when I wore Hawaiian tees cuz it made me look like older I guess, so I have been rocking my tees for now. She also hated the smell of red meat, so I never cooked steak or anything, got back into grilling. Well it’s only been like 4 days, so not really I’ve done it once, but you know what I mean.

Hope I don’t deal with this shit again in my next relationship. I will just make it clear in the beginning instead of assuming though, that I would prefer someone with similar views on sex as me though, and that way we both save time and hurt. I got some new friends here at least from all this fiasco. I never really made friends here, I only had my homies from high school and college, and now that I live in a new city, it’s so hard to make friends as an adult. But at least I got a gang of sorts here, and I am hoping it’ll be fun. Still miss the old dudes, but I can hop on discord with them at anytime.

Anyway, that’s all.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

C1: Glad to hear that, bro. Commented on your original post when you wrote, almost forgot about it. I’m glad it all worked out for you!

Good luck in the future, never put your wee wee in crazy (again😂) and try to do better background checks for your next partner!

C2: I'm sorry imm gonna call cap. Unless your Jane Does bf, I dont believe you. Maybe its the timing but

C3: I feel sorry for both of you.

You for being led on by someone trying to escape who they were, and her for failing to escape from who she was. But hiding is not escaping, it's just lying with extra sprinkles.

Has she changed? Undoubtedly she has and you can see that she desperately wants to put what she did well beyond her. Will she ever escape a past she willingly took part in? Hopefully one day she will but for now it's going to haunt her a bit longer. And that's going to be hurting her for quite a while.

But at the very least, you both have your own support networks so hopefully the pain all gets mitigated and dealt with properly.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULE #7 AND DO NOT CONTACT OOP OR COMMENT ON ANY OF THE OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATION IN BORU

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/TinyRascalSaurus

Originally posted to r/neighborsfromhell

Original post posted 2025-09-06

Was bringing in groceries today when my neighbor from two houses down approached me, completely without preamble, and said 'I could have you arrested.'

I've never spoken to this woman. I don't know her. I only know where she lives because I've seen her in her yard.

So, of course, I say 'I don't understand, I've never done anything to you.'

'YOU SHOWED MY SON YOUR TITS. I COULD HAVE YOU ON THE SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY'.

Now, I'm like, WTF, I have never stepped one foot outside my house without proper breast coverage. Yeah, I wear low cut tops and a couple shirts that lace up the front and show the inch of skin between my breasts, but I don't walk around with my boobs on display.

I tell this lady I have NEVER shown my breasts to anyone but my doctor and that her son must be mistaken (read:lying) because that's not something I'd do.

'Well he was walking through your yard last night and says you lifted up your shirt and showed him your tits.'

Guys, I wasn't outside at all last night. I was inside, in my armchair, playing Expedition 33. So, of course I tell this lady that, and she fires right back with 'you did it through the window'.

Now, all the windows in the sides of my house facing the road and my left and right neighbors have opaque curtains or blinds. The back of the living room has windows with no curtains so my cats can look out, but my backyard has a privacy fence on all sides.

So this kid, to have seen me at all last night, had to have been in my private backyard, looking in my open windows.

I have eczema. It itches like hell sometimes. And sometimes I lift up my shirt and scratch my chest and back. This kid probably saw me scratching my boobs, which I feel comfortable doing in my living room because, again, privacy fences on all sides of my backyard. Where this kid should not have been.

I'm trying to explain to this crazy lady the setup of my windows and how I had no idea anyone was in my PRIVATE backyard, and she's insisting I knew her son was there and gave him a private show and I should be on a registry.

She finished with 'well I'm going to talk to the police and see what they'll do about this'.

Do about what? Her kid peeking in my windows? Her kid walking around my backyard without permission? Like, come on lady. Can't a girl scratch her boobs in the privacy of her own home?

If my kid went in another neighbor's yard and saw something they shouldn't have seen, I'd be having a talk with them about giving people privacy in their own homes and asking before exploring a yard.

But, nope, apparently I'm the devil for scratching a skin condition.

Our local police force are mostly decent and I doubt this is going anywhere, but it pissed me off. I guess now I have to watch out for this kid in my backyard every time I want to watch a movie with nudity or walk through the house in my underwear to get something out of the dryer to wear.

Uggghhhhhhhh.

Edit: The son is approximately 8 and possibly neurodivergent from the number of autism bumper stickers on her car. I think he's just a victim of a mom who won't teach him appropriate behaviors.

Update posted 2025-09-07

So, I had a lovely visit from a local deputy this afternoon. Mrs. Neighbor Lady made true on her word and called the police to report me for exposing myself to a minor.

Long story short, officer talked to both of us AND her husband and I'm in no trouble. And I have a better understanding of what's going on.

The kid is AuDHD and his older brother was the one he connected with best. Well, older brother got into a top college and went away for school, and kiddo is having a lot of trouble adjusting.

Sneaking out and running away from home are two of his new problem behaviors. As is talking back and taunting his parents.

The story the officer got from the husband, who seems to be a reasonable dude, is that kiddo snuck out the bathroom window and apparently wandered the neighborhood, including my yard, for about 2 hours until the husband tracked him down and brought him home.

Mom and kiddo got in an argument and at some point kiddo threw mention of my 'boobies' in his mom's face as a 'you can't control me' move. And it escalated from there.

Now, you would think, great news, issue solved, right? Just a kid struggling with a big life change that he wasn't ready for.

Mom STILL wants me on the registry because she thinks I intentionally flashed her son. Apparently she doesn't believe that it was just coincidence that kiddo was in my yard when I had my shirt up.

I'm in the Southern USA. It's hot as the devil's taint outside and my bra makes me sweat right where a bad patch of skin is. I've been scratching my boobs like crazy lately. Come winter, it'll be my legs. I probably had my shirt up several times that night.

So I'm avoiding the wife and having sympathy for the husband because I get that this is a big family adjustment and clearly his wife isn't taking it well. And I do feel bad for everyone involved because kiddo is clearly hurting, mom and dad are having a hard time, and the son at college probably feels bad for leaving his little bro.

But, c'mon lady, don't take it out on your neighbor who just scratched her itchy boobs at the wrong time.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Scared_Search_9029

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Original post posted 2024-01-16

I think it would be easy to mention that I was never the family's favorite. I know there's a stereotype that the youngest sibling gets the most affection from the parents. Maybe it only applies to my family, but that's a complete lie. And I also know why my family treats me like that. They make no secret of it.

I wasn't a wanted child for the simple reason that my parents only wanted a boy and a girl. So two children and no more. The fact that I was then born as a second son didn't fit into their family's predetermined picture. For this reason, I was always ignored at birthdays. I wasn't even allowed to be in family photos because they wanted to give the impression that their picture-book family was the way they had imagined it. They never let go of this image. And just as an aside. Compared to my siblings, my parents punished me much more severely for little things. My sister once stole money and was grounded for a week, while I was beaten up for leaving my room at night.

I put up with it over the years because even though my parents didn't really pay attention to me, I always had a good relationship with my siblings. When my eldest brother got married a few years ago, I was still a minor and even though I was offended, I wasn't allowed to attend the wedding on the grounds that it would be a child-free wedding. I was 15 at the time and no doubt there would have been no reason not to let me attend.

Even though I was hurt that I was the only one not allowed to attend, I accepted it. I'm now 19 and my sister wants to get married. She gave birth to a daughter last fall and she and her partner wanted to get married. I was really looking forward to the wedding and bought myself a nice suit. At some point, however, I received a message from my sister that I couldn't come to the wedding because they also wanted to have a child-free wedding and they needed someone to look after their daughter, my niece.

I knew that wasn't true as they had a babysitter. Said babysitter was a friend of hers who wanted to earn some extra money while she studied. When I pointed this out to her, she explained that the babysitter didn't have time because she had to study. Which was also a lie, by the way, as I had previously sent the babysitter a friend request on Facebook and she even wrote a post on the day of the wedding saying that she was enjoying her day off.

I asked her if she had anyone else who could look after the child as I really wanted to be there after missing my brother's wedding. Suddenly she got angry and told me I was being selfish and if I was a good brother I would say yes without argument and if I didn't say yes I wouldn't be allowed to come to the wedding under any circumstances. It felt like a punch in the stomach. I couldn't understand why she didn't want me at the wedding. In the end I agreed, but still contacted my parents again.

They also told me not to be so selfish, as the day wasn't about me and my sister was deciding the guest list anyway. Then I also realized for the first time that my attendance was never planned from the beginning because I was the only one who didn't get an invitation. Yesterday was the wedding and I cried when I saw all the photos posted in the WhatsApp family group. Everyone had a great time.

Even when my sister dropped her daughter off at my place and I wanted to give her my wedding present, she didn't even give me a glance. She didn't even say thank you. Neither for the present nor for babysitting. I want out of this family. I love them but I can't stand being treated like this any longer. I'm about to be promoted at my homeoffice job and when that happens I'm going to move far away and break off contact.

They'll have the image of their perfect family back that I ruined and I'll have my peace. A win-win situation for both sides.

Update posted 2024-01-19

I didn't plan to make an update but so many people asked me to so here we are. My original post is now three days old and a few things happened in that timespan. Lets start by saying that I followed your advice. I contacted the local police and told them about the situation just in case anyone was looking for me. One day after I posted it I packed my things and drove to a friend of mine who lives far away. I haven't seen him in a while but he agreed to let me stay with him until I have an apartment. And before you ask, I decided not to wait for my promotion. I wanted to get out of there immediately.

Thats when I started to read all of your comments. Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Apparently my story made it to TikTok as well. But you probably wanna know whats up with my family right now. Well I blocked their numbers. Even though you guys told me not to leave a message I left one but not the way you think. My family has a spare key for my apartment. If for some reason they care enough to check on me they find a message in my apartment. I wrote this because I wanted to tell them everything I felt and let them know about their wrongdoings towards me.

And to my surprise my friend got a call from my mom yesterday. I don't know if she found the message or just noticed that I was gone like that. But I assume she did. She said she was worrying about me and that she had called everyone of my friends because she wanted to know where I was and if he knew where I am. He lied to her and told her he didn't know and then she hung up. While some could see this as an effort I know my mum better than anyone else. She is not worried about me. She is worried about her own image and how people would react if they saw how she failed as a parent.

However she was the only one who I know tried to reach out so far. To be fair I blocked their numbers so I'm not saying its entirely impossible they tried but still. My friends mom had invited me for dinner this sunday. His family was always very welcoming towards me and I'm just glad I'm not alone. I would also be lying if i said this situation left me cold because the truth is that i cried for most of the first two nights.

I want to leave all of this behind me and start a new life. Thank you for your support. If anything essential happens I will try to update you.

Marking as CONCLUDED because it's been almost 3 years with no further updates.

I AM NOR OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowRA776577](u/ThrowRA776577)

Originally posted to: [r/relationship_advice](r/relationship_advice)

How to not mess up with this woman(36F) that I(24M) am seeing, and ask to make things exclusive and official?

TRIGGER WARNING: possible manipulation, age gap

Mood spoiler: bittersweet - bitter if you are in one camp, sweet if you are in another

Original post - September 29th, 2026

So I am 24M. I only recently started putting myself out there and dating because I had a lot of self esteem issues and wanted to work on myself and stuff. I have been dating for around 18 months or so, and I have been on dates and talked to people, but nothing relationship wise has happened.

I recently found an older woman(36F) who is also a single mother of one kid(7M). At first we were just friends, but quickly started talking after meeting at a cooking class I was taking. We have so many interests and so many things in common. I have taken her out on 2-3 dates, all restaurant and dinner ones, and one was a movie and then dinner. I’ve been talking to her for around 7-8 weeks and we met up 2-3 times in the process for aforementioned dates.

She knows about my inexperience in all facets, and said she does not really care. I made sure to be very open about that at first.

Anyway, she is the first woman I have met that I actually feel like super crazy about. I would love to wake up next to her every morning and building a life with her.

I really want to take it to the next step with her. She said she doesn’t mind the age gap thankfully. She said anyone who is dating her needs to understand that they will be second to her child, and her being a girlfriend/wife will always be second to her being a mother. I totally understand, and respect his. Part of the reason we have only met up 2-3 times over this long course is because of this, and I totally respect it and get it. I even offered to pay for the babysitter and she refused saying since we are not officially exclusive or dating yet she does not want that. But I did meet her son once(kid is a sweetheart and has good taste and loves transformers, just like me fr).

I really like this lady and we have so many things in common! Play the same games, have the same interests, like the same movies and shows, we both like cars, etc. I could go on and on. The only thing we don’t really share in common is career, and that’s also awesome, I don’t think I could date anyone doing the same thing as me, because coming home would just prompt work discussion. When I talk with her, I just feel like I could listen to her talk all day long, and she is so talkative, but I really like that and like seeing her get all passionate and talk. She is also super smart and I have learned a lot from simple discussions with her!

How do I bring up asking to take it to the next step and become official and exclusive? This is the first woman I have felt this way about and I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how to even approach it, and how to have that conversation.

I really want her to see my sincerity, but also that I am willing to take it slow at her pace. But I would like for us to seriously see each other.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

Commenter #1: Do you really want someone else's saved game?

OP to Commenter #1: You know literally nothing about her or her situation, or what her prior partner was like or even if the guy is involved or not. He ain’t “saved” shit and it’s my game and a life I want with her.

Commenter #2: How do you feel about being a stepdad? Because if you are serious about her, long term, that’s what you are agreeing to become. Also, what’s the situation like with the father? Important to know those details before you get overly attached.

The big thing I’d be asking yourself here is - what do you want out of life? Do you want kids? Do you want a family? Do you want to travel and see the world? What do you want out of your career? You are still young and getting your bearing as an adult…she’s a couple of levels up from you. She might not want more kids. She might not want to get married again. She may not be able to move her kid away from his friends/dad if an opportunity arises.

While it’s great that you share a lot of the same interests, unfortunately the age gap here and the reality of your situations is going to play a much bigger role in the viability of this relationship. You need to think about if what you want out of life aligns with what her plans and expectations are before you commit hard.

She’s already said you are second place to her kid (rightfully so). So the question here is are you going to be throwing away a lot of your personal goals/ambitions to be with someone who already had their 20s? Will that ultimately result in resentment on your end?

I’d also take the time to think if you really like her, or do you like the idea of a serious committed relationship and this is the closest you’ve been. Sometimes it’s easy to get swept up in a new thing, but you are really idolizing the idea of it rather than the reality.

Again - not saying that this couldn’t potentially work, I’d just make sure you are looking at everything objectively and without love goggles on. You don’t want to be 5 years down the line and realize you’ve sacrificed a lot to be with someone who isn’t able or willing to reciprocate.

OP to Commenter #2: The father is not in the picture, and she wants to keep it that way. I don’t mind being a stepdad. I think the role will be a bit difficult for me to step into, and I know it’s going to be filled with some challenges, but I truly not only don’t mind, but her kid is a lot like me when I was a kid, and I vibe with him too!

She is open to marriage, but she said she does not want anymore kids. I don’t really care to have my own kids, and I am more than happy with that.

I am pretty settled in my career for now(I work in AI) but given how the industry is, there will be a lot of ups and downs for sure. But in terms of life I feel like I have everything in order except this aspect of life. I live on my own, have my own car(she’s also a beaut) and have decent savings. I do feel like I just need to keep momentum rather than like have to build up to something. I also bought and lease out two apartments around last year, so I have some passive income there too just in case anything happens to my job.

I don’t think I am throwing anything away. I have never really been a “sow my oats” type of guy I have always wanted to find my person and settle down. For me it’s always been about finding the one person to build a life with, I don’t really date casually, and she said ideally that’s the same for her as well.

Thank you for your input!

Commenter #3: It sounds like you’re on solid ground here. You’ve met face-to-face, gone on several dates, and built real in-person momentum.

May I ask if physical intimacy has entered the picture yet? For many people, establishing that mutual physical connection naturally bridges the gap toward deeper commitment. If things are moving well on that front, I’d keep doing what you’re doing, and once that comfort and chemistry feel mutual, you’ll have a clear runway to bring up becoming officially exclusive.

OP to Commenter #3: Physical intimacy has not entered the picture yet, she and I are both waiting for it. She said she does want to be official before that, and I feel the same way too, I would like to be official before that.

Commenter #4: She’s too old for you

OP to Commenter #4: I don’t really think so, if you reverse the genders you see that age gap a lot too

Commenter #5: When you said that the kid likes Transformers, just like you...

Bud.

Don't get into an exclusive relationship with her at this time. Date around. Date people closer to your own age. Get some experience.

Try that for say a year.

And then if no one else, and you have truly tried with others, has made you feel the way she does, call her up and see if she's still into you.

OP to Commenter #5: I don’t have any success with people my age or I don’t really vibe with them cuz they want something super casual, that’s the issue. Also she is also the one I got the most in common with out of all the women I have talked to

Update - September 30th, 2026

So I know a lot of you told me to hang on and not do anything, and some of you also told me to just be truthful. I went ahead and decided to be real with her, and thankfully it worked out!

I know she isn’t scheduled on Tuesdays, and I’m home(my job is remote I only go in 3-4 times a month only for important meetings), so I asked her if we could meet for brunch after she dropped her son off at school and got whatever she needed to done. She was down and I also woke up early in the morning and tried to clear all my tickets and anything I needed to for the day.

I picked her up and we went out for brunch, and in the car afterwards we had a talk, and I told her I wished to see her exclusively and a little bit more seriously. Long story short, turns out she had felt the same way, but she was hesitant to ask because she felt that asking someone in my age range for a serious relationship from someone in her age range would not be the move. So even though she’s felt this way for the past month and even a bit more, she said she held herself back because she wanted it to be my choice.

Anyway, she came to my house after, and we had a nice time, and she just left a few hours ago to go pick her son up from school and take him to his karate classes. We had the best time together, and we cuddled up and watched some TV together afterwards. It makes waking up at 4 and clearing out my tickets for the day worth it!

We are going out for dinner on Thursday. She said she needed to see if she could her babysitter and what not, but I told her that she promised me that once we got into an official relationship she would let me help her out with the babysitter when I take her out and she agreed.

She invited me to her house this weekend to officially sit with her and her son for breakfast. She did say he has asked about me, and he doesn’t understand fully, but he doesn’t mind having me around since me and him speak about cars and cartoons together, but she said she wants to phase me in slowly, and then tell him later. She is his mother, and I completely agree that this is something that should be left up to her, and I am just happy to do it as she dictates and feels right.

She also did say her son was going to spend next weekend at his grandmothers place, since his grandmother is picking him up after school, and they got their quarter days off on Monday so it’s a long weekend. I suggested she and I go somewhere nearby together and stay at an Airbnb Friday through Sunday night or Monday morning, and she agreed, and I booked the trip after running it by her.

She also wants to do another trip end of October/beginning of November, and I told her we could do that as well!

I know everyone was being a little cautious, but I genuinely feel good about this, and do feel great about her, and I am so glad this worked out. I really like her and I do have a good feeling about this. So thank you everyone for your input and for those of you who wished us well, thank you!

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

Commenter #1: My guy, as a 36 year old male im telling you, find someone closer to your own age. You are in a completely different stage of life, and shes got a kid. You are not really in a position to take on what she needs. Its a bit weird shes seeing someone so much younger in the first place. But you don't want to spend more time in a situation like this which doesnt have your own best interests at heart.

Commenter #2: Oh honey, no.

There's a reason a 36 year old woman is dating a 24 year old man, and it isn't because 'you're mature for your age'.

Commenter #3: From a female perspective: I know you’re inexperienced, and I’m happy that you finally found a woman you actually want to build a life with. You’ve said you don’t like casual dating, and that you guys are really alike when it comes to hobbies and the things you have in common. I know you might feel like you’re so lucky that this wonderful woman decided to open up her life to you and doesn’t care that you’re inexperienced.

And I understand why you might not want to mess things up or scare her away. You’ve never felt this kind of connection with anyone before! But honestly, I wish you could see that your lack of experience, your past struggles with self-esteem, and your obvious thirst for love might be working against you a little.

I’m sure she’s into you, but I wish you’d realize that a lot of women would be very happy to find a guy like you. Let me tell you something: she’s lucky that YOU, a nice young man with a stable career and a grounded personality, have chosen her. It’s not just the other way around.

I wish you could take things a little slower and not settle for anything less than you deserve. Right now, you’re giving so much of yourself to her, and I know you’re probably in the clouds because you finally have the first relationship you’ve been waiting for. But as time goes by, you might realize that giving up too much just to keep someone can backfire.

My only advice is to enter this relationship knowing your value. Realistically, she’s lucky to have found a guy like you too. Don’t give up everything just to please her, and don’t automatically agree with everything she says just because you’re afraid of losing her. Be more confident, say what you actually think, and be honest about your feelings and needs.

If you really want to be a father one day, you shouldn’t close that door just to avoid losing her. Don’t make yourself smaller or give up important things about yourself just to make the relationship work.

You need to be your own biggest advocate in this relationship. Otherwise, one day you might look back and realize you gave up too much for the sake of keeping her, and you could end up resenting her in the long run.

Commenter #4: Everyone cried about age gap. Honestly if you’re both consenting adults and are into each other and not taking advantage of something I am all for it. My
Godfather and his second wife have a 20-year difference and they are amazing together.

Commenter #5: I’m 34f and have been in a relationship with 25m for a little over a year. Neither of us had business getting into anything, but we’re here now. Going back, I would have taken it slower. Open to any questions, but hindsight is 20/20.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULE #7 AND DO NOT CONTACT OOP OR COMMENT ON ANY OF THE OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATIONS IN BORU

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Electronic_Act7658

Originally posted to r/AITAH

tw: misogyny, abusive behavior

Timeline:

• Original post: 2025-01-30
• First update: 2025-06-04
• Second update: 2025-06-08
• Final update: 2025-08-09

Original post posted 2025-01-30

Okay so I know the title makes it sound bad, but hear me out. This is a throwaway account. I (28M) have been married to my wife Lindsey (25F) for two years, we’ve been together for 7. Our marriage is great. Despite us both being busy with work, we still make time to go on dates and be intimate with each other whenever we can. I work in engineering and Lindsey is an RN, so I pay for most of the bills and utilities. We “split the bills” but I pay for majority of the costs because I make more. Lindsey usually fully covers grocery costs and the wifi which isn’t much because it’s just the two of us. I feel that since I make and spend more money, Lindsey should make up for that in housework.

I’m not some traditional wife desiring asshole, I think it’s great that she works and has goals for her career, I want her to. I feel like our chores are split fairly. It changes day by day depending on our schedules, but typically, Lindsey cooks our meals (she is much better than me, trust me, you don’t want me anywhere near a kitchen) but it’s nothing fancy or requiring a lot of effort. She does the dishes and vacuums but it’s not daily. It’s more like an “as needed” basis. I take out the trash weekly and wash our cars about once a month. This has always seemed fair to me, but recently I’ve felt frustrated with her.

I’ve been at my current job for 6 years and I’ve developed really great friendships in my time here. There’s a few of us that always get together on break for lunch and whatnot. One of my coworkers, “John” (35M) has been married to his wife “Claire” for about 10 years if my memory serves correctly. About a month ago John invited me and the rest of the gang + our wives to have dinner at their house. Claire is a stay at home mom so she handles everything at home while John works and brings home the bacon. I know this sounds bad, but I was jealous. Not because she’s a stay at home mom, I don’t want kids, but because John has a wife that actually puts effort into her food and cleaning.

Their house was IMMACULATE, completely spotless, no dishes left in the sink, little knick knacks left out on countertops, nothing! I couldn’t believe it. Claire set the table and waited on everyone. She was thoughtful and made sure everyone’s glasses were always full and would ask if she could get us more food, etc. She made filet mignon with mashed potatoes and roasted vegetables on the side. It was amazing and I can’t remember the last time Lindsey put any effort into our meals. It’s always something lazy like pasta, a lot of chicken centered meals, tacos, quesadillas, everything requiring little to no effort.

On the drive home, Lindsey made a comment about how Claire is an amazing cook and said she would like to have dinner with them again because they’re great people. I agreed with her and said something along the lines of “you could also be more adventurous with your meal choices so we can eat good at home too.” She took offense to this and said she didn’t realize her food was so bad. I said it wasn’t, but it’s nothing compared to Claire’s because she puts no effort into it. She stopped talking to me and was pouting like a child. She went to bed without speaking to me that night. I ended up apologizing the next day when she got home and she forgave me.

Fast forward a week later and I became more and more frustrated. She was working 12 hour shifts more than usual and as a result, her house work suffered. She would leave at 7am and come home at 7pm, and on some nights she went straight to bed without making dinner. I ended up getting takeout on those nights. Dishes were piling up in the sink, the carpets were becoming noticeably dirty, and she just sat in bed scrolling on her phone or sleeping. I tried to be understanding at first but at this point she’s used to working 12 hour shifts so there really is no excuse.

I ended up having a talk with her and was brutally honest. I told her that I’m not satisfied with her level of house work anymore and I want her to do more. I want her to come home and make dinner and I want her to put more effort into it. I gave her some examples of meals I would like to eat and suggestions for ways that she can clean before going to bed, such as drinking coffee or energy drinks on the way home. I thought she was receptive to my ideas at first but then I realized she looked pissed. She very coldly asked me if I feel this way because of John’s wife and I answered honestly and said yes. I told her I would be embarrassed if my friends came over to have dinner with us after that dinner at John’s.

She started tearing up when I said this and I felt kind of bad for being so harsh. She didn’t say a word to me and just left the room. I came out a short while later and saw her maniacally scrubbing a stain out of the carpet on her hands and knees still crying. I asked her what she was doing and she screamed “WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” The stain she was scrubbing was pretty much gone but she continued for what felt like hours.

I started feeling sorry for pushing her to that point but then I remembered something …. something that could work out great for me or go horribly wrong. When she was in high school, she was baker acted (I will not disclose details out of respect) and was in a psych ward. She told me she used to neglect herself when she felt really depressed but after being in the ward, she obsessively cleans when she feels depressed or overwhelmed because of the habits they drilled into her. I almost felt like a DC villain because of the huge smirk that crept on my face.

So, the next night she got home at 7pm. I told her I had something to confess to her and she looked petrified. I told her I was sorry, but I watched porn while she was at work because I was lonely. She ended up throwing up from crying so much but just as I thought, she started cleaning. She washed all the dishes BY HAND instead of using the dishwasher. She dusted everything, every fan, every TV screen, every shelf. I didn’t want it to be too obvious so I started limiting this trick to 4x a week max.

Skip to present day, I made a joke at lunch with my coworkers about how I trained by wife to love cleaning. Everyone was laughing and asked for the secret, so I said “all I have to do is make her cry and she can’t wait to clean!” “Daniel” asked me what I mean, and I told him about how her response to being upset is to clean so I’ve been upsetting her on purpose. Everyone was silent while I was still laughing. “Adam” asked why in a very unamused tone. I spilled the beans about how Claire made me realize how unmotivated my wife is and I wish Lindsey was more like her. The rest of lunch was pretty awkward and I felt like I made everyone uncomfortable.

I ended up texting John to ask if I did something wrong because he didn’t come by my station before leaving like he usually does. He told me he felt really weird about the way I was treating my wife and idealizing his. He told me I was being an asshole and “emotionally abusing her” when I should just communicate. I argued against this because I DID communicate. I told her exactly what I wanted from her and all she did was make excuses about being tired from work and needing sleep. She even suggested that I should clean more if the state of the house bothers me so much and that I should learn how to cook before criticizing her.

We wouldn’t be able to afford the house we live in if it weren’t for me. The lifestyle we live is because of ME so why can’t she just show appreciation by cleaning and cooking better meals??? It’s been three days now and I am now sitting alone at lunch. When I sit with my usual group everyone stops talking. I feel like I really fucked up and want to make things right with my friends, but at the same time I feel like what I’m doing is okay because it’s not for no reason. She’s actually cleaning more and I’m so proud of her. Am I the asshole because I want to keep doing it?

Edit: I understand that I'm the asshole now and no, this is not fake. Sorry to bring deprive you of that comfort. It's impossible not to recognize something is wrong with you when a good 80% of the comments are calling it fake or hoping it is. I understand now that I mentally abused my wife and I do want to fix it. Thank you to the two people who actually took the time to offer constructive feedback and advice. As much as I hate the thought I am going to seek out a professional. It isn't possible for everyone to be wrong and I'm right, even though that's what my brain is telling me. I know something is wrong with me even though my brain is saying there isn't. Thank you all for helping me realize it. As per request, I will update in the future if there are any changes.

Update posted 2025-06-04

So, hi. It's been a while. I don't have a lot to say, but I was asked to update if I ever decided to try therapy and I did. I didn't like it. I dropped out of individual therapy after two sessions (my therapist was more interested in my childhood than giving me actual advice) but stuck with couples therapy. I tried, I really did. The therapist and my "wife" would gang up on me. The therapist changed my wife a lot. She went from being kind and soft spoken to rude and brazen. She would snap on me for absolutely nothing and constantly bring up things I've done in the past to use against me in an argument to try and make me submit.

Remember how my "wife" is an RN? Yeah, well she was fucking cheating on me with some ugly c*nt working the same shifts as her. She confessed to that in therapy and said if I could forgive her she could forgive "all the things I've done." NOTHING I have ever done has been close to this. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED. VOWS MEAN NOTHING APPARENTLY.... she also shared a lot of things she never told me, like her last grandparent passing away. In her words, "he wouldn't care." Yes I would have if she told me. She had no reason not to. I wouldn't have been so harsh about the housework if I knew she was grieving, but no, go ahead please, don't tell me anything and then use it against me later because THAT makes sense.

I thought couple therapists were supposed to be neatural. Isn't their entire purpose bringing couples together and helping them understand each other? Since when do they call their clients manipulative? How is that allowed? Anyways, back to the b*tch "wife," I can't forgive a cheater. She is staying with her parents for now as we are separated. I don't want her back in my house. It makes sense now why she didn't want to have sex anymore. We stopped going on dates. Our intimacy suffered. All because she cheated. Therapy was a waste of time and money, but I guess it was worth it in the end because I learned what kind of person she really is. She disgusts me. I did NOT want therapy but I tried my best for her and to change. That is clearly not what she wanted because she cheated. I learned this information last month and I have finally come to terms with it.

As for my "friends," I'm still cool with a few of them, others clearly look down on me so I don't interact with them anymore, but we don't eat lunch together anymore. I sit elsewhere now and it's not too bad honestly. I'm meeting new people. Maybe I'll find love again soon but who knows. My reputation at work in regards to personal matters is kind of shit now.

Well, that's really it. Thank you for reading.

Edit: Holy cow, why is this blowing up the next day? How are people even finding this with 0 upvotes... Anyways, I just need to clarify something. When I wrote this post I was speaking out of anger. I don't want to erase my words and rewrite something better. I said what I said and I'll own up to it. But what I will say is that is not how I feel on the inside. I don't think it's okay that she cheated on me when I was committed to couples counseling. However, I can admit that I'm the true evil here. Yes you can argue her actions were a reaction to mine, but it doesn't seem fair considering she waited months to do so, if I'm believing her timeline of events. I do want to be better. I know I lack empathy and was cruel. I know. I know I sounded like a jackass with how I wrote this. I shouldn't have written an update post in a blind rage but I did. I can't change my past actions but I can try to move forward to be a better human being.

Anyways, I have made up my mind. I can forgive my wife. A user I engaged with yesterday shared their story with me and it really touched me. They could relate to me on some levels. I am taking what they said to heart. I need to be a better person before I do anything else regarding my wife. I did talk to her this morning. I called the same therapy office I went to before and scheduled an appointment for two weeks from now on Wednesday. I apologized profusely for the way I reacted to her being honest with me and for everything else I did in the past. A lot of users told me to look up "battered woman's syndrome" and I did. It made me feel sick. I'm not expecting sympathy from anymore nor do I want it. I know I don't deserve it. I deserve the ridicule and the hate. I won't get any better acting like a jack ass to save face.

Thank you to everyone who sent me mental health resources. I'm not going to hurt myself but I appreciate the concern. I'm committed to being better and I appreciate everyone who saw the humanity in me. Thanks everyone. I'll reply to comments soon, I just got home from work.

I was asked so here's a timeline of her cheating:

Assuming everything she said is the truth here is what I know. She started cheating on me in March shortly after we started our sessions but the flirting started long before that. She couldn’t tell me a date but said it had gone on for weeks. She said it was nothing serious but he initiated everything even knowing she was married. He is also a nurse by the way. He would compliment her, buy her food, and touch her hair like she was a fucking pet. Nurses are required to have 2 30 minute lunch breaks if they work more than 10 hours in our state and I don’t think I need to say this but she would spend them with him if they ever had the chance to break at the same time. They got to pick their break times at the start of their shift and would write the same time down. My wife said this wasn’t very often though because there were a lot of times she refused breaks and sign a waiver stating a break was offered and refused to continue whatever she was doing for work.

She said nothing became physical until April when they had sex in the car that I BOUGHT FOR HER (2024 Porsche 718 Cayman in all black) before coming home. She said she felt extremely guilty and dirty afterwards and that she regretted it but slept with him on 3 additional occasions after this. I asked if he knew she was married and she said yes. I asked why he didn’t care and she said she would vent about the things I was doing to her to him and he “just wanted to help.” By fucking her apparently because that’s a great help. She told me the flowers she brought home every single day for Nurse appreciation week (May 6 - May 12) were from him. Every single day that week all were from him and I would ask who got her those she would lie out of her ass and say patients some days, one day it was her boss, the next it was physicians, never a coworker. I believed it because who wouldn’t.

This is what she told me in the session and swore it was just physical and there were no emotions behind it but after what the comments were saying and typing this out I don’t think that’s true. She told me he made her feel pretty again even though I never insulted her appearance and I still complimented her and he made her feel special. She told me she would cease all contact with him outside of work because it’s not possible for them to never interact again at work. That’s when she begged for forgiveness and told me she could forgive my actions if I could forgive hers and I told her to keep fucking him for all I care and left.

She assured me it was physical with no emotional connection and said that they both agreed to it being just sex but after recounting all her lies I don’t know if this is true. Probably not. I haven’t thought much about the details of this but now I’m feeling conflicted with my emotions once again. She told me the last time they slept together was a week before our last session which was the last week in May, so the last time she cheated was in the third week of May. Not sure how much of this is true now that I'm reflecting on it. I accepted in my mind that she fucked someone else but is that really all. She said he made her feel pretty and special and that she liked the attention from him. Sounds more than just physical. I don't know anymore. I might ask her but not now. I'm too enraged.

My thoughts and Goodbye posted 2025-06-08

This may be the last post I ever make, and I want to explain my thoughts and plan of action as accurately as I can without being an asshat in the comment sections. I am also here to clarify certain misunderstandings among other things. I’m not sure if anyone will read this because of how long it is, but it’s here.

Regarding my posts on the infidelity subs… when I learned she cheated on me, I did not want to work things out. I felt like the marriage was over at that point because she cheated, which to me shows that she wanted something other than me. I told her I wanted to separate, and I offered to rent an apartment while she stays in the house (I would continue paying the bills) and she opted to stay with her parents while I stay in our house. Her parents are well off, and they are supporting her financially. She continued to contact me daily, even when I wouldn’t respond. I told her our marriage was over when she cheated, and asked what the point in going to marriage counseling was if she was going to actively cheat on me.

She apologized profusely and continued to assert that she wants to save our marriage and that it’s worth it to her and should be worth it to me, because we’ve had an amazing 7 years besides these past 5 months of Hell and if she can forgive me for the stunt I pulled (her words), I can forgive her for seeking outside pleasure. With that being said, this is why I sought advice strictly regarding the infidelity and how to move forward and trust your partner when they are working with the person they cheated with. I didn’t ask how to hurt her and get revenge, nor was I interested in comments telling me to do so. Someone did mention reporting the affair to HR, and I asked “would they both be fired for that?” I asked because I wanted to know. I don’t want her to be fired from her job. That would permanently stain her record making it harder to find employment not to mention humiliate her and she’s not the one I would want to be punished, it’s him, so I wouldn’t do anything like that.

The advice I found helpful is to ask her if she’s willing to relocate. She said she would do anything if it means I would be open to saving our marriage again. What I want is for us to continue seeing a marriage counselor (and let her pick if we continue with the same counselor because she opened up a lot with her or meet with someone new) and for her to relocate, because I feel sick knowing they still work together. I think we should continue living separate for the time being until we seriously make progress in therapy and until I have been in individual therapy for some time (given I’m making good progress). If she seriously wants to move forward after everything that’s happened (my action and hers included) those are my terms. She has also agreed that I need to continue individual counseling, but I have not asked about relocation yet. Many commenters have said I’m trying to have “full financial control of my victim to keep her trapped” I don’t want her to be jobless. If it came down to her being jobless versus still working at the same hospital, I would accept her continuing to work. I wouldn’t want her to quit her job until she has another one lined up and secured.

She is not in my control nor dependent on me, she is with her parents who are supporting her financially, and she can afford to live on her own if she wanted or needed to. She makes $130,000 annually, which is great money. I just make more ($215,000) which is why I paid for most of our bills. I have stated this several times but everyone still says the same thing like it’s fact, when it is seriously so far from the truth. My wife has always been an independent woman. I understand that abuse can make people feel weak and like they need to depend on that person and we have talked about this. She said that she doesn’t need me, she wants me. She assured me she doesn’t feel like this is stockholm syndrome or like she is trauma bonded to me, and this is her rational decision knowing the full truth behind everything I did. I don’t want her to be so traumatized she is staying with me because she feels like she has to which is why we talked for hours about this and why she wants to stay. She told me she could live without me if she had to, but that she doesn’t want to.

The situation I posted about was the only time I have ever acted that way and had thoughts like that. How do I know this is true when I couldn’t realize something evil I was doing was okay, and a mean spirited prank at best, you may ask. I wondered the same thing. I felt panicked trying to search my mental library and think about any time I’ve ever done something like this or hurt her intentionally and I couldn’t think of anything. That alone was not proof enough. We discussed this EXTENSIVELY in therapy, and our therapist was the one who initiated it. Our therapist asked her to recount other times when I exhibited abusive behavior in the 7 years we’ve been together (she didn’t say “abusive” when asking, this was majority of our one hour session and the therapist was asking her about certain traits and almost like a checklist of actions/behaviors that meet the criteria for abuse). She said there were none which is why it affected her so deeply. She couldn’t understand where this came from because I’ve never treated her like that and I felt the same way. She felt confused because she didn’t know what she did wrong and what happened to me to make me hurt her like that. She even compared me to people that have TBI and do a complete 180.

I have not been abusing her for years like many commenters are saying, and I am not just saying it myself. Me clarifying the timeline is not my attempt to justify anything or skirt responsibility. Abuse is abuse, and abusing her for a few weeks versus a few years doesn't matter because she should have never been abused by me in the first place. What I did was egregious. My wife is intelligent and she knows the full scale of my actions. I was very honest and shared more than what was in the post. I am scared of myself and how I wanted to and was able to intentionally traumatize my wife through emotional abuse, weaponizing her mental health and trauma against her without seeing it’s wrong. I don’t want to be that person ever again which is why I am actively taking steps to improve myself. I may not have made enough progress for you but I am on the right track. I have so much work I need to do on myself before we can truly work on our marriage. Recognizing my behavior and seeking treatment is a lot better than not accepting it and wanting to keep doing it. When I made comments about how I’ve made progress, I was referring to marriage counseling. I clearly did not make progress in individual therapy because I quit after feeling uncomfortable.

In marriage counseling, we examined and challenged a lot of my beliefs. I also want to reiterate that I have never in my life done something like this, and it was only a few weeks, less than a month in the 84+ months we’ve been together. This is not me saying I am better now or that I’ve made a large amount of progress, nor do I believe I deserve praise. I have an extremely long way to go. Even though I have never done this before, what I did was INSANELY abusive and I need to find out why and work through that.

I was able to look my wife in my face while she cried and not feel a shred of empathy because I was getting something I wanted out of it. Me not recognizing the true effects and severity of my actions in the moment while seeing exactly what was happening to her is what raises a huge flag for me. It is scary to be honest. I’ve seen a lot of comments calling me a sociopath, and on another subreddit where this was reposted there were a lot of therapists that responded. I read what all of them had to say, and they also had the same consensus. A lot of people still thought this was rage bait because “no one can be that dense” and they talked about clients they’ve had that are just like me that are narcissistic sociopaths, and it scared me even more.

I looked up sociopathy which is ASPD, and it’s pretty in line with how I acted and my mindset… I’ve always had trouble relating to the emotions of others and truly empathizing with them even though I’ve tried. I do care about others, I care about my wife way more than I’ve ever cared about anyone else, more than my own family, and I have always thought I cared about her feelings. I always did, until it came to her mental health being used for my benefit. I could not have possibly cared about her feelings in that moment if I was able to look at her in a traumatized state and think “good, she’s cleaning.” It’s psychotic. It came from a place of envy and feeling like I was competing, and she was the competitor versus what I viewed as competition (Claire).

We talked extensively about how I view household chores and finances, and I have a different view on it now. I should have been doing more house work than her because I was home a lot more. The amount of money one is making should nothing to do with how housework is split. I don’t like failing which is why I never bothered to learn how to cook after my disasterpieces. If we eventually live together again and keep working on our marriage, that will change. A commenter had a wonderful idea regarding this and shared that learning how to cook meals together would be perfect for bonding. The expectations I had of her weren’t fair to her at all. Even before Claire, she still should not have done most of the cleaning, dishwashing, and all of the cooking. She never expressed feeling overwhelmed by it and needing me to do more, and thinking reflectively, it might be because she’s determined to be independent and wants to do everything herself. She doesn’t like asking for help from others which is why she shouldn’t have asked- I should have done it.

We also defined my definition of abuse, and our therapist compared it to current research. I have learned a lot about abuse as a whole, and individual types of abuse. I abused her. I emotionally and psychologically abused my wife. There’s no justification for that, there’s no excuse, and there’s nothing that can make that better. Looking back on my childhood, I’ve always lacked empathy for others and found it hard to understand why people were crying and would be upset by certain experiences. This was never addressed in childhood and it carried into my adult life. I have an appointment set up for individual therapy with the same therapist I saw for two sessions. I didn’t give her a proper chance because I had false expectations of what therapy was, and I was panicked when it felt like she was making vulnerable.. I am ready now. My childhood needs to be explored.

I’ve learned that the way I react is a defense mechanism. When I feel attacked I become condescending and have an inflated ego, which leads to me insulting others. This is something I learned in therapy and am trying to work on. I can handle criticism a lot better, but when I’m insulted and for the comments specifically, when someone states their opinions that are wrong as a fact (saying I only want therapy to gain tactics to abuse my wife, for example, or the financial control debacle) I go full defense mode. I also became angry and defensive when I was told I'm not trying, my efforts aren't genuine and that I'm going to continue to abuse her. I’m going to go back to therapy for myself. I need to, and I want to be a better person. I never want to treat anyone this way again, ESPECIALLY my wife. I don’t know what went so horribly wrong with me. Even if my wife decides to leave me in the time it takes me to work on myself, I will respect her decision and continue treatment for myself.

There are not enough words in the English dictionary to accurately describe how heinous and cruel my behavior was. I was extremely abusive and the way I used her trauma response as a tool to manipulate her into doing something so insignificant and unnecessary (cleaning) is incredibly disturbing. Me having the thought to do something like this in the first place was already disturbing. Me doing this ONCE was extremely disturbing. Me seeing what this was doing to my wife and feeling proud of it, thinking I was clever, is sick. Continuing to do this for weeks at the expense of my wife’s mental health (without even recognizing it as something that is actually costing her) is egregiously disgusting. It is bottom of the barrel, despicable evil. I know this, and my wife knows it as well. She has torn me a new one and she has every right to, and she deserves to do that and more to me whenever she needs to. Honestly, I think she could k*ll me and she would be justified to do so.

With the help of our therapist, she described how deeply I truly hurt her. How I ripped open closed wounds only to make them bleed more than they have before. She explained how I made her question reality, and how she wished she was in a nightmare and would wake up soon. She started seeing me as the evil twin of her husband. She explained how I became a stranger to her, someone she didn’t recognize, and how it was conflicting. I saw her experience raw unfiltered emotions. She told me that what I did is unforgivable and it’s worse than anything she has ever been through because I used the trauma response of everything she has been through against her, for the sake of trying to morph her into another woman. When she was explaining how I made her feel about herself, I cried a little bit. I don’t think I have cried since I was 5 years old. I did something despicable and there's nothing that can atone for that. She deserves more than me, but she wants me, so I will continue working on myself and identifying harmful belief systems in order to change them.

I will explore my childhood with my therapist and learn more about empathy and if that’s something I can develop more of. I will be fully honest in therapy about my thoughts and actions so I can be held accountable and accurately receive guidance in order to understand and change my behavior. Even if I am uncomfortable, even if I am vulnerable, and even if I feel attacked in therapy, I will do my best to retain an open mind. I will never quit, I will never run away, and I will never give up on becoming a better person. This is my promise to myself and to my wife.

I only talked about negative things in a very aggressive way to the point where commenters accused me of not liking my wife, so I’d like to share some things about her. My wife is the most precious human to ever grace the Earth with her existence. She is kind, generous, patient, understanding, and loves helping others. Before she became an RN, she loved volunteering at animal shelters and reading with the elderly at nursing homes. My wife is a huge animal lover, and she treats them like they are human babies which I find adorable. I have always admired her selflessness and her passion for her interests and goals in life. She is an avid book reader (when she has the time which sadly isn’t much anymore, and time I have robbed her of in my selfishness), a coffee addict, and a gardener. She loves to go on nature walks and explore the outside world. Her face lights up and she experiences childlike joy when she finds a pretty rock or a pretty leaf. If I ever stumbled across one, I would give it to her. She would protect the leaves like they were the essence of life themselves, and she still has them on her shelves in our work/study room. My wife is hilarious, and she makes corny Dad jokes that make her laugh harder than anyone else.

She is beautiful inside and out, and if souls had a color hers would be gold. She is extremely supportive and is my inspiration to work hard in life. I have always wanted to provide for her and give her everything she could ever dream of and more. I was always thinking in terms of grandiosity, overlooking what truly brings her the most joy in life: the little things. My wife is not materialistic. She likes thrift shopping and antiques. She is very passionate about our environment and I forgot to mention this, but my wife is the person that likes to clean up trash off the beach. We would do this anytime we went. She loves to watch the sea turtles hatch and crawl back into the ocean. Anyways, I always thought that my value was my money. I didn’t think that of her, only myself. She sees a different me that I can’t see. I’ve always had a strong urge to protect her from everything in this life, with how precious and fragile she is, and it makes me even more sick that what she needed protection from was me. She wants to heal our inner children together. I don’t know what she sees in me that makes what I have done worth working through. She is beautiful, smart, and the kind of girl you would interact with for 2 seconds in a grocery store and remember her forever, regretting that you didn’t try to get her number.

I deeply appreciate everyone I have interacted with. So many of you have provided me with invaluable information and insight to myself. I even appreciate those of you that teared me a new one, because I deserve no pity, no sympathy, no understanding. The only person deserving of that is my wife. I deserve the hatred, the insults and divine punishment. I’m sorry to everyone that was triggered by my posts, I’m sorry to the people that have cried reading my posts, and most of all I will always be deeply sorry, regretful, and ashamed of how I abused my wife. I handled myself horribly and my bruised ego controlled me.

This is goodbye for now. The only post I will ever make in the future is an update if I am diagnosed. A lot of users suspect I have NPD or ASPD. I still want to read everyone’s comments because they took the time out of their day to say something to me, regardless of what it is.

My Diagnosis + Therapy and Mini-Life Update posted 2025-08-09

Well hello if anyone is reading this, it’s been a while. This will likely come as a surprise to no one but I have been diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder with narcissistic traits. I have learned a lot about myself in therapy and I’ve come to agree with what a lot of commenters said: if I loved my wife I would leave her. So I did. We resumed couples counseling shortly after I started my individual therapy. I waited until we were in a session to express my thoughts so she could have support and I would as well with navigating this situation. After learning of my diagnosis and what that entails, she ultimately agreed it was for the best.

I learned that I love her in my own way but it’s not the love she deserves. I did love her, but I have to admit what I truly loved was what she could do for me. Her value to me was the benefits having her in my life provided. Even after this I am still in therapy and I think I will stay for a long time, as long as needed. My therapist doesn’t judge me (at least not openly) and she helps me understand myself more every session. I am not seeing the same therapist I saw the first time- not a great fit. I saw another therapist after her, but respectfully he did not seem very educated in his field. I felt like giving up but I am glad I didn’t because afterwards I met with the therapist I am seeing now.

Me and my ex-wife still keep in touch but it’s not romantically. It’s more so a mental health check in, I suppose. She asks how my treatment is going and I ask the same. The ultimate goal (for us) is to be friends but not to force it. If it’s possible for us to stay friends, great but if it doesn’t feel right for us we can’t force it. We met for coffee last week after increasing our communications to calling about work and other aspects of our lives but it was extremely awkward and she looked uncomfortable. I understand why.

Many people wanted to know more about my wife’s perspective. I am not her so unfortunately I cannot delve into the deepest parts of her mind but I can relay some of what she shared with me. Certain things she said to me the day we mutually agreed to end things have stuck with me and sometimes resurface to the forefront of my mind. She looked sad but relieved at the same time. I remember vividly how her face looked in that moment. She said that she is rediscovering who she is because being with me destroyed her.

She is spending more time with friends, looking into new programs/specialties at work, and moved out of her parents home into an apartment once we decided to get divorced. We are still legally married but separated. I offered the house to her but she declined. I will be moving out as well. Being here depresses me. Oh yeah, I also told her she shouldn’t feel guilty for cheating on me because I deserved it. I wasn’t a good person or husband at all. I told her I was glad she found solace in someone when I was treating her so terribly. Me being happy about it was a lie but I hoped it would make her feel better and it seems like it did. I meant what I said about me deserving it and how she shouldn’t feel guilty though.

I honestly like having an anonymous space to vent. I don’t really have friends and I only talk to my therapist about things like this. I think I will update from time to time or post here about my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for reading.

Reminder: I am not the OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/iwishiwasatabbycat

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Am I the A-hole for keeping my kids away from their dad after I found out he had a pedophile living with him

Trigger Warnings: CSA, negligence, feckless CPS

Original Post: March 2, 2026

Strap in this gets bad. And I know I am not crazy, but there are people who swear I am wrong.

I have 16 year old twins. One male one born female that now identifies as non-binary For years they had been going to their dad’s house every other weekend. For the past couple of years my NB had issues and wanted to not go over there. The house was a mess, their dad expected them to clean it. There would be animal waste, moldy dishes, rotting food. For a while my son wasn’t as bothered by it, and I tried to encourage new cleaning practices but nothing stuck. I would make excuses and keep NB child home more.

This last fall both of my kids were sick of their dad’s antics. Neither wanted to see him very often so I told him we would change it to once a month for now, and he could get his house in shape and work on his attitude and we could re-evaluate.

A few years ago my ex’s half-brother needed a place to live. He had some issues and couldn’t live on his own, and after his mother had passed, he had stayed at a few different relatives houses. My ex talked to me about him moving in, and said he had been warned he was a little off but would keep an eye on him.

Right before Christmas, while picking up the kids for their weekend my ex let me know his brother had been arrested and wouldn’t be coming back. He had been in trouble for vandalism before, so I assumed more of that. But because I’m nosy I googled him.

SECOND DEGREE SEXUAL ASSAULT of a CHILD 2 counts. Felony. I spiraled and sent my ex a text saying we needed to talk about this, but not in front of the kids. Not too surprising he downplayed things. Said the brother hadn’t really hurt our kids. He lied. I later found out from one of his family members that the brother had attempted to molest another family member a younger girl. That family member warned my ex that his brother was a pedophile and had made sexual advances against a child. HE FUCKING KNEW!!The brother had made actions against my NB child. They are in therapy. This has been so very hard on our family

I told my kids their dad knew from the beginning. My NB never wants to have a relationship with him again. My son may want to see him again, but not right now.

My ex doesn’t think he did anything wrong. His family doesn’t think he did anything wrong. They say my ex can’t control other people’s actions. But I believe he never should have moved in, and the fact that he never told me tells me he knew it was wrong.

Now my kids don’t want to go over there. I have had to hire a lawyer to make changes to our agreement even though this is the kids wishes and they are old enough to choose. He won’t respect their decisions. He says they should be forced, and everyone has to do things they don’t want to.

Am I really crazy? Should I be forcing my kids to go to their dad’s house when they don’t want to see him after he knowingly moved a child molester in?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Is this a serious question? Do you expect any rational person to argue that you should allow your kids to be around a pedophile??

OOP: The pedophile has been arrested. Dad wants the kids to go back to normal

+

OOP: And yeah, when his normally normal mom is supporting him, and the family member who warned said he did nothing wrong, I have questioned if I am over reacting

Commenter 2: Did he assault you NB child, or just try to? I'm hoping it was the latter for their sake. I'm sorry your family is going through this, but always be the mama bear!

OOP: He did. I am working with law enforcement to add criminal charges to the ones he’s already facing. He pleads guilty with the arrest. At least I know I won’t have to see him again

OOP on her ex having animals at his place

OOP: He has more dogs than he should. And he had a lot of cats for a bit, but 3 passed away from being outdoor cats. He keeps getting more as a way to lure the kids back. He knows they love animals especially kittens.

Commenter 3: He keeps getting more as a way to lure the kids back. He knows they love animals especially kittens.

This is especially concerning.... I hate to be the one to ask this question, but is it possible this pedo thing runs in his family so to speak? Like brother was caught, but luring kids with pets IS predator behavior.... Maybe mom is "ok" with it because they all are kind of that way? Not justification, but explanation. I would still keep your kids away from their Dad with a dedicated passion, but at least you would know the dangers and be informed?

No one will know the truth but you, once you start digging, and your kids. It is possible your ex was also abusing your children if he was so nonchalant about his pedo brother moving in with him, and if feels like there may be more red flags than you have included in your post OP. Talk to your kids, and get them to talk with their therapists if they won't talk with you. I am so sorry your family is going through all this though, its terrible and very unfair to you and your kids.

OOP: I hadn’t considered this. The ex and I were both sexually molested as kids. I never thought he could or would be capable of something like that. But honestly until this I would have never thought he would have moved a pedo in either

Commenter 4: He failed to protect your children from a known predator. NTA for supporting your kids not wanting to go back. Besides, did he ever clean up his biohazard home?

OOP: He did. He cleaned it enough for CPS to come through and not ban the kids from there. But CPS has low standards. They said animal feces on the floor is acceptable as long as the kids are old enough to avoid it.

Commenter 5: NTA, but I really think you should be documenting all of this and possibly going to court to have his parental rights changed. I'm NAL but surely all of this falls under abuse/neglect, even without the fact that this man KNOWINGLY had a literal pedophile around your children. He had them cleaning his mess, including animal waste which can actually become unsafe to clean without proper protection and if mixed with specific cleaning products. They were at minimum 14, it's one thing to ask kids to clean their own mess, but having them clean his rotting food and waste too?

The fact that he even lives like that is just unsafe for kids. Then on top of that he allows his nasty brother to live with him, and allows him around your children. You need to document everything, keep both of your children away from him and consider court. He's not fit to be a parent from the sounds of it, and if he really wants to see them then I think it should be supervised visits only in a neutral area where his brother won't be.

OOP: I have reported all of this to his town’s sheriff office. I have worked with CPS in my county and his. I have hired a lawyer to amend our custody agreement that has only a little over a year left. I am doing all the things, and I am trying to do it all the right way. I have screenshots of text messages, reports from CPS. I am doing all the things I can.

Commenter 6: You're not overreacting and you're NTA.

You need to print out this man's Sex Offender document and give it to your attorney to see if he's restricted from living in a home that has children [including partial custody arrangements] or is nearby a school. Your ex could be contributing to a violation of this man's terms which should be listed on the registry page.

If so, you can file a motion for emergency custody, and if the sex offender hasn't updated his address, he would be arrested for violating the terms of his release. If someone is on the registry, they are required within a certain amount of days to report a change in their address.

OOP: He had no prior convictions regarding children. Neither the brother or my ex were breaking any laws, and with the brother in jail CPS won’t grant emergency custody.

Editor's note: OOP later updated onto the original post

Update #1: August 2, 2026 (five months later)

Update kinda….

CPS at initially did not say that my ex did anything wrong. I appealed that because they did not have the texts from my ex. Then they still stated that they thought his answer was “flippant “ and being sarcastic and they still ruled no wrong doing. I appealed that. I had a conference call with a judge and a rep for CPS who was different than anyone else I had dealt with. At that point, I had received the transcript of my child’s interview and the pedophile’s interview. In the pedo’s transcript he states that there were rules he was supposed to follow bc my ex knew that he had molested another child previously. I submitted that and the screenshots from my ex. I spoke to a judge. And the person who was representing CPS was fucking lost and had no clue. And it was still ruled that my ex didn’t do anything wrong. I could have appealed again, but I didn’t see the point. It’s apparently not endangering a child to move a pedophile in with your teenagers.

I also hired a lawyer who turned out to be trash. I filled out my own paperwork to request a change in parenting time. I wanted help filing it. I just wanted it stated that the kids both 17 could decide when to visit their dad. And his mom paid for him to get lawyer, and that made us have to go to mediation. That was another $900!!!! I’m not fucking rich. That’s a lot of money!! And all that decided was that yes, we agreed after showing the court case that the kids could decide. But it’s not legally binding, and it’s not credible in court. It’s like a secret handshake.

The pedophile’s case will be seen in a cpl weeks. I don’t think it’s the main trial. I want to be there for the major parts, but I really want to apply for a home run derby contestant.

A good friend who was mutual to my ex and I passed, so I had to reach out to another mutual friend who was organizing the get together, and ask that my ex not be allowed to the memorial. I explained what happened. It was one of the first times I told someone who wasn’t someone close. Luckily he understood, and we have a good enough history that he knew I wasn’t full of shit. If he does show up, I do always have my car sandwich cutter. But I have a feeling my friends won’t let it get to that.

I still hate my ex more than I ever thought possible, but at least now I don’t need meds to get through the tough times. And I have great friends and family, and family type people. I’m very lucky for that. Without their support I would question my morals and standards, bc I can’t imagine letting a situation like this ever come into consideration, and almost everyone I have spoken to agrees. But my ex, his mother, his family members, his lawyer, and CPS seem to think it’s not a big deal. The CPS one fucking floors me. You wouldn’t allow this in a school or daycare, or anywhere else kids would be. But it’s ok to move a known pedophile into a house with kids. Fuck

Update #2: October 9, 2026 (two months later)

UPDATE to am I the A-hole for keeping my kids away from their dad

I kind of did a brief update on the post regarding CPS. CPS finds no fault with what my ex did. I challenged the ruling twice, met online with a CPS judge, and they determined that there was chargeable offense. Of fucking course. My ex is the lucky kind of fucktwad that never has to face serious consequences. His mom is always there to help him, and just over all has not had the kind of life he deserves.

The lawyer I hired to help with custody was pretty useless. I filled out almost all the paperwork to send into the state to get custody formally changed, but because of a cause in our divorce, his lawyer (paid for my mommy) made us meet in mediation. Which was another $900 fucking dollars out of mine, and his mom's pockets. Not even 2 hours. And it only took that long probably because my ex loves the sound of his voice so damn much. Once it was brought up and proven that there are charges against my ex's brother, and I had proof my ex knew his brother was a threat before hand, the meeting was pretty much over. Because again, I wasn't even trying to stop the kids from seeing or talking to their dad, I was leaving it up to them to decide when.

Earlier this week there was a plea hearing for the pedo. I considered driving to the hearing, but opted to sit in via zoom. I'm glad I did. There were 2 cases that were being presented, one for my child and another child who is 3 years younger than mine. (It was the arrest for that child that started the investigation into how my children had been affected.) He plead guilty to two charges of class C felonies, sexual assault of a child. (both cases had that as the worst charge) 9 years each for a total of 18 years, with 42 years’ probation, and lifetime sex offender registry. Once they read the plea offers, I started sobbing. I was so afraid he would get a couple years and a slap on the wrist. 18 years. My twins are 17-1/2, he will spend their lifetime behind bars. If we can’t off him, or keep him locked away forever, this is good enough. I hope he wakes up every day for the next 6,574 days and thinks about what a rotten piece of shit he is, and how he got there.

My kids are at peace with this, and they are as safe and as loved as can be for now.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LorettaBobbins

Is this professional cake as bad as I think it is?

Originally posted to r/Baking

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Sept 20, 2026

I am seeking advice as I'm just not sure what to do, if anything. My baby turned one on Friday and I ordered a cake from a local professional cake maker who came highly recommended.

When she sent the photo of the finished cake I thought it looked wonky/uneven on the sides, but figured it was just a bad photo. However when we cut into it, sure enough the frosting at the top was really thick, tapering into very thin at the bottom making the cake completely uneven. It was meant to have a raspberry jam filling, and when we cut the first slices off the side we couldn't even see it because it was just a small blob in the centre of each layer! And then when we cut further into it we realised much of the areas meant to contain the jam were actually completely hollow and empty.

In terms of the decoration, I wanted it to say "rain-Bo" instead of "rainbow" because my baby's name is Bo. I even sent her his party invitation ("One year over the rain-Bo" was the theme) to use as a reference. However she put "rainbow".

Lastly, the fondant rainbow topper is all wonky and uneven, and the bunting is untidy...I fear I could have made it better myself.

I'm honestly very disappointed, the cake tasted good (albeit quite dry in texture) but it looked so messy and rushed. It cost £96, and I have no issue with that price for a professional cake. But it just didn't look like it was made carefully or properly.

I am fully prepared and willing to be wrong so I figured I would ask for opinions here and include some photos. I absolutely hate complaining about services, especially when it's a small, local business. So I would really appreciate thoughts from those who know about cakes! Thank you so much.

OOP Pisted 6 pics of the cake from the umbixing to an individual piece with closeups

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Longjumping_Eye_3441

If you paid for jam in the center and it's just a hint of jam and the rest is hollow? That I would complain about. The rain-bo issue could have been addressed before you accepted it. The fondant topper looks ok, but the uneven frosting and missing filling makes it feel like the professional may not be as talented as she thinks. The cake looks really dry imo. You should get what you paid for, even if it's you supporting local.

OOP

If I had received a photo of the cake with enough time to address the "rainbow" thing I would have done. She didn't send a photo until 9.15am and we were collecting it at 10.30am unfortunately. Honestly the cakes she shares on social media are so lovely and pristine so I had really high expectations, she is definitely talented but I feel like my cake looks like it was rushed.

~

PeaQueasy347

It matters less whether it looks professional and more that you paid for something to be made a certain way and it wasn't, and that's what makes it unprofessional the lack of attention to detail when it came to what the customer asked. I think the cake overall looks very nice on the outside but when you show what it looks like inside it certainly seems botched. The cake is very unevenly frosted and the frosting seems really thick, the jam between layers should be spread (usually you would spread the jam before stacking the next layer, this certainly looks like a blob only in the center), something you didn't mention but the layers of cake look really compressed and dense as well as dry. How did the cake taste? Was it dry and dense like it looks?

OOP

Everything you've said hits the nail on the head of what my gut feeling is about it. Lack of care and attention to detail being the main thing. The flavour and frosting are really good but the sponge is definitely quite dry.

~

justcallmeturkey

Someone from pastry school here! My chef would’ve deducted points for the uneven frosting. That crumb is…interesting to say the least…

Seems like there wasn’t enough frosting to cover “hungry” spots on the cake. What blew me was the jam, I could understand if the jam was expensive or out of season and in that case a raspberry mousseline could’ve been better. They totally cheated you on the filling. I thought the flag banner looked like a children’s play dough project.

Maybe I’m being too harsh but you paid almost 100 for this cake and I do have to say it’s not worth it. Very overpriced for a very underwhelming product.

Update on my post about the disappointing cake I purchased... foreign material found in the cake!  Sept 29, 2026 (9 Days later)

Just over a week ago I made a post asking whether the professional cake I had made for my baby's first birthday was as bad as I thought it was. General consensus was that it was bad 🙃 I've inserted a couple of photos but there are more on my original post.

Unfortunately things got much worse the day after, and this post is just to share an update!

Tl:Dr, it has been resolved insofar as I've received a refund.

At the exact same time that I started drafting my feedback to send to the baker, my husband and I sat down with a slice of it to eat. Suddenly I realised I was chewing...and chewing...and chewing. I found a piece of what resembled baking paper through the middle of my slice. Then, upon further inspection, I spotted something that looked extremely odd. It was a rectangle of material. It was rubbery and bendy, completely impossible to bite through.

Video of it can be found here unidentified cake object .

Very interestingly, I actually spotted it afterwards in one of the photos on my original post, which I will include here for reference.

I had absolutely NO idea what it was but I immediately became very upset and honestly frightened because this was my baby's cake, and we had given him some and sent friends and family home with slices after his party. I had to contact everyone and warn them not to eat it if they hadn't already. I cannot emphasise enough how dangerous this piece of material was...it could have absolutely choked a baby had they swallowed it.

I emailed the baker immediately, I was very polite but I was firm and I attached the photos of the cross section, explaining how disappointed we were with the uneven layers, wonky frosting and lack of jam. But that the most serious issue is the inedible material we found in the cake, that was a serious choking risk. I attached photos and videos.

To her credit she replied quickly, agreeing that visually the cake did not meet her standards and that she hadn't realised the issues with the layers and the jam filling. She said she would give me a full refund, but that to her the foreign items we found DID resemble cake. This baffled me, simply because I've never encountered a bendy cake before and it felt odd that she'd claim that was normal.

She then said she'd appreciate the chance to look at the materials herself, which I was very happy for her to do. I told her I'd bring them over myself. She then said we could only come within her working hours 10am and 2pm. I then said that they're in a Ziploc bag and I'm happy to just pop them through her letterbox so she can look at them at a time convenient to her.

She said no, I can only even put them through her letterbox during her working hours.

I then explained that these hours are in the middle of the day when it is not necessarily convenient for me to drive into town because we have a busy week with things booked in, and that I was honestly very happy to not bother her by ringing the bell and would just put it through her door.

At this point I started to feel like I was going mad, because she said in no uncertain terms that I am NOT allowed to even post it through her letterbox and drive away without knocking unless it is in her working hours. I wanted to ask whether she also tells the postman that they cannot deliver post through her door unless it's between 10am and 2pm, or whether the Amazon delivery driver can't knock if it's outside those hours either.

I must emphasise that if I was going to be coming into her house for a meeting, or even having a conversation on the doorstep, I would understand that she'd prefer it inside her working hours. But this is just to post a Ziploc bag through her door.

She then said she would come and collect it from my house, which honestly is just a major no because this whole situation has made me very uncomfortable.

I have decided I'm going to send the materials to our local Environmental Health to look at instead of returning them to her, because I feel they'll get examined properly that way whereas she could easily just claim it's cake and it would be her word against mine.

It's a shame because her initial response to the problem was very reasonable (a bit ChatGPT but I expect that these days) and she did give the refund, no questions asked. But I just don't understand her inflexibility to receive these things to inspect.

My mum is now wondering if she is even the person who made the cake, as she seemed genuinely surprised at what it looked like inside, and we don't understand how you could not realise all your cake layers are different heights and widths. Surely you'd notice that when constructing. It also looks completely different in style and quality to every cake she has ever shared on her socials.

Ultimately I've got my refund which I am grateful for.

3 more pics with the last Pic clearly showing a piece of plastic between the layers

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Mercybby

I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THIS IS!!!! Born into and raised in the food industry and have worked in bakeries for over 15 years. This is improperly mixed “cake enhancer” that gels when it is in contact with liquid and then heated. It resembles silicone or soft plastic when cooled after baking. Cake enhancer is a blend of emulsifiers and gums that can be found in store bought cake mix or commercial blends.

~

DareRake

"Only during these hours" dawg if a dessert from my work had a foreign object in it I'd want to see it asap. It was inconvenient the moment it entered the cake, forget about my working hours lol

This is making me enter conspiracy mode combined with the other post. Does she... preassemble the cakes in some way and freeze them? I don't understand how she couldn't have known about the lack of filling in between layers, and also not known about this object even being there at all. I feel like you'd see it while layering but idk. And the layers are so thick to me? But again, biggest issue is she could've harmed someone. I'm just dumbfounded at the whole thing, good on you for being the responsible one

OOP

I so agree!!! I would be saying come over literally whenever suits you and I will look at it with you immediately!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Throwawayaccount5934

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My fiancé used an AI jury to determine which one of us was right after an argument

Trigger Warnings: weaponized incompetence, exploitation

Original Post: June 6, 2026

My (27M) fiancé (30M) used AI to determine who was right after we had an argument and now he says he was right and I was wrong. He told me he used an online AI jury to find out which one of us was wrong. This 'jury' said he was right and now he won't talk about the argument because the AI said I'm unreasonable.

I'm angry and frustrated and at my wits end. I feel like screaming every time he time talks about AI agreeing with him. We have had the same argument multiple time. Instead of discussing the last time we argued he shuts me down. I'm just here to shout into the void because if I don't I will lose my mind. I feel like my relationship is crumbling and my fiancé won't even try to do anything about it. This morning he was so smug about it I left to go stay with my sister. I couldn't take him talking about AI when I tried to discuss our argument.

(Since I know people will ask our argument was about chores and cleaning. I'm a solicitor and more often than not my work means I can't do my job remotely. My fiancé works in human resources, and his job is exclusively remote. But I end up doing all the cleaning and other chores. I'm not looking to make him do everything or for us to keep score over who does what. I want him to help. I'm responsible for most of our expenses because my salary is much more than his, so I feel financial pressure and the pressure to keep our flat clean and in order. I don't talk to him with anger, and I don't act differently because I earn more than him. But he refuses to help with chores and now he says the AI told him he's right and I'm being unreasonable. I can't take it any longer. I just want him to help so I'm not doing everything).

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why not just divide the chores, for e.g. one dose cooking and one dose cleaning or maybe alternate the days you clean.

OOP: As I mentioned in my post, my fiancé won't do any chores, (on his own or even if I ask him to).

Commenter 2: Well that’s Bs, if it was me I would stop being his personal maid, I would only clean my clothes/plates cook my own food only. Until he learns that it’s a partnership.

OOP: I can and have been doing that to a point. I can't neglect a lot of things because they affect me too. It's not just him who is affected if things aren't getting done, which is part of why I'm so frustrated.

Commenter 3: And you’re still with him….why?

You have agency. Use it.

OOP: I feel like our relationship is crumbling. I have been questioning it because he won't listen and doesn't seem to care that our relationship is falling apart. I posted here to vent but I have been questioning our entire relationship lately.

Update: October 9, 2026 (four months later)

My fiancé used an AI jury to determine which one of us was right after an argument (UPDATE)

I (27M) was the person who posted here to vent and shout into the void, because my then fiancé (30M) used an AI jury to determine which of us was right after a (recurring) argument and refused to discuss the subject of said argument further because the jury determined that he was right and I was wrong.

It is not very exciting or dramatic but suffice it to say my relationship with my now ex-fiancé is over and we will not be getting married. Our wedding was supposed to take place on the last Saturday of November but I have cancelled everything and tried to get back whatever money I could.

My ex-fiancé seemed to be genuinely shocked when I told him I no longer wanted to marry him. I don't think he's that good of an actor so I don't know why he would be shocked considering how much we argued before he used the AI jury. After that, he refused to talk to me about it no matter how much I tried and I was truly at my wits send end.

The argument was about chores and housework. I'm a solicitor and more often than not my work means I can't do my job remotely. My ex-fiancé works in human resources, and his job is exclusively remote. But I ended up doing all the cleaning and other chores. I was not looking to make him do everything or for us to keep score over who does what. I just wanted him to help. I was responsible for most of our expenses because my salary is much more than his, so I felt financial pressure and the pressure to keep our flat clean and in order. It got to be too much and since he wouldn't discuss it with me and kept on harping about the AI saying he was right I ended things. I can't even describe how much less stressed out and tired I am now. Honestly my only regret is not leaving sooner.

Thank you to all who sent me supportive messages and left me supportive comments on my other post. They were appreciated.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this update

Relevant / Top Comments:

Commenter 1: OP he is gross. Used AI to say he won in an agreement. Good riddance. Chores? And he was home all time! WTF. I can't even. Dodged a bullet OP. Whew!

Commenter 2:

Our wedding was supposed to take place on the last Saturday of November

Why would you schedule your wedding date on the Thanksgiving long weekend?

OOP: What's Thanksgiving? Our wedding wasn't on a holiday or long weekend.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/nobdaythrowaway

My [36M] GF [30F] of 5 years has never remembered my birthday

Original Post  Aug 4, 2015

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and knew each other for 3 years prior to that.  In all of that time, she has never once remembered my birthday.  Last year we ended up in an argument over it because it really bothered me.  I told her to add an event to the calendar on her iPhone if she can't remember.  I'm not looking for an extravagant, or really any, gift - just an acknowledgement that it is a special day for me.

This year, I gave her a heads up about two weeks ago, letting her know that a video game I want comes out the day after my birthday this year.  And yesterday (my bday) she texted me early in the morning so I had high hopes, but all she did was ask to borrow some money until she gets paid.  What do I do about this?  Just accept that she won't remember?  Maybe it bothers me more than it should.

tl;dr In 8 years of knowing each other, my gf has never remembered my birthday and yesterday was no different.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AnorhiDemarche

Do birthdays matter to her in general? She may not view birthdays as important.  

Does she realize why your birthday and her remembering matters to you? like, I know you guys got into a fight but does she know why beyond she forgot your birthday?

For some people, even a daily reminder for the week leading up to the birthday doesn't help. I'm one of those people. To counter it I have a stash of presents for various people and if it happens I'm like "oh, that's today? I totally spaced! I got you this prezzie that you'll love ages ago though, Here it is!"  It works well, Like, yeah I forgot but I remembered at some point that you were born and got you a little something.

OOP

"Do birthdays matter to her in general? She may not view birthdays as important."

Sadly, yes.  She never forgets her mother's or sister's birthday.  We usually buy gifts ahead of time for them.  And she'd be really upset if I ever forgot about hers.

~

Limberine

So when she works out that she forgot your birthday is she really sorry and tries to make it up to you, or is she just still uninterested?

Update  Aug 7, 2015 (3 Days Later)

Sorry for not following up very much in the comments.  I had a lot to do at work that day and Reddit doesn't work if you're not in the office, right?

Before talking to my girlfriend, I talked to her sister and asked her if my gf ever forgot her birthday.  She said yes, in fact this year she forgot.  To make matters worse, her mother's and sister's birthdays are on the same date - meaning that not only did she forgot my birthday this year, she forgot her mother's and sister's as well.  Yet somehow that made me feel better about the situation as it shows that she's just not very good with dates in general.

When I called my gf to discuss it at night, she felt very bad about it and she had been thinking about it for the past two weeks and even bought me the gift that I asked her for.  She promised it wouldn't happen again and programmed it in her cell to make sure she'd keep the promise.

For some more background, my girlfriend works in a stressful call center while I'm in IT management, so not only do I make a lot more than her, my job is a lot less stressful.  That has caused some problems in our relationship but overall things are very good.  While I considered breaking up with her over this because I was really sad at the time, after talking to her and her sister, I decided that we can work things out.  Thank you all for your feedback.

TL;DR I spoke to the GF's sister and learned that the GF just isn't very good with dates.  She felt terrible about forgetting again and we'll work things out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

NOhmdD

Oh come on. After second year -- hell even the third year, it would take two seconds to stick the date in gCal or iCal or a fucking notebook.

OOP

I know.  There's really no good excuse for forgetting more than once.  Yet after discussing it with her,  I decided it was a forgivable error.  Plus, it gives me an out if I don't have a good gift idea for her birthday one of these years.

~

BCKane

So your tldr is that you ignored everything everyone said and are just going to make excuses? 

You need to seriously sit down and get to the bottom of this.  Her forgetting her family birthdays and working in a "stressful" call center has nothing at all to do with forgetting your birthday for 5 years running ... after being reminded 2 weeks before hand. What you are doing is making excuses so you don't have to actually address the issue here.  Is there a medical issue that she needs to take in to account?  Is she having some type of mental block that you need to address prior to moving further in your relationship? Kicking the can further down the road will only build MORE issues. 

Why are you so scared to actually have a talk about this and figure out what is happening? 

OOP

I thought we did have a good talk and she made a convincing case thatthere isn't any ulterior motive about it.  She seemed genuinely upset about it.  Plus, in a comment on the OP I had said that she never forgets her mother or sister's bdays, but that turned out to not be true.  And it's not like she's inattentive in general.  She calls on every one of her breaks and we spend most of our free time together.  You can call these excuses, but I think it's just me knowing the big picture around our relationship.

Update 2  Aug 14, 2015 (1 week after 1st update)

In the last update when I spoke with my gf, she said that she felt bad about forgetting and that she had bought me the gift I had asked for (a game that cost $30).  Much to the chagrin of most commenters, I forgave her.  Whoops.  Turns out she was lying about the gift so that I wouldn't get mad.  Her new excuse was because she didn't have the money for the gift (keep in mind that she asked me to borrow money on my bday and could have asked for $30 more).  So I told her that it wasn't important for her to spend money on me.  I just wanted her to show that she cared. 

She asked for an idea of a gift I would like that didn't cost anything so I said a video of her.  She seemed to like the idea.  However, I kept having to remind her about it and she kept saying she'd send it soon. She finally came through yesterday.  She sent me a text that said, "Don't ever ask me to do something like this again."  The video was 80 seconds long of her applying lotion to her body.  Only she did it with her back to the camera.  That's right, my long awaited bday present to show how much she cared was a video of her back.

Earlier in the week, she had told me that her mother was coming to visit.  I said that I'd like to take both of them to dinner and my gf flat out said no.  Didn't even provide an excuse or anything except that she wanted to be alone with her mother.  I had taken her mother out before just the two of us and we get along great, so it made no sense.  That was just another example of my gf showing that she didn't really care.

Last night when I talked to her, I said the combination of the forgotten bday, the against her will video and its accompanying nasty text, and the rude "no" to the lunch invitation were enough for me to call it quits.  She took it well as she hung up and then blocked my texts and Whatsapp.  I didn't try calling her again.

In the end, I should have listened to the Reddit crowd instead of ignoring the signals.

TL;DR Forgave my girlfriend when I shouldn't have, broke up with her soon after.  Reddit was right.  Reddit is always right (except when it comes to Boston terrorists.)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Beneficial-Day7238

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Original post posted 2026-09-25

Hi, its been a few days since this accident and im still deciding what to do.

First things first, im a male 26 years old and my brother is 30. We were growing up in a normal household, not poor, not rich, but my brother was always spoiled. He played highschool football and my parents saw him as a star. Me on the other hand i was more into books, IT,.. When I was 15, i started programming and when i was 19, i made my first project that made actual money. I sold it to some big company of that time (i dont want to name) but i had money for ~2 years living by myself so i moved out. My parents didnt acknowledge me that much and still much more supported my brother who had to leave school he wasnt even good at because he got a child. I never told them how much i made and make currently because i was scared.

Time passed, im 24 at that time, making very good money with my programming, i got more into cyber security and my brother is 28 and he already has 2 more kids, i never understood why they had 3 kids. They made very little money and barely were making it. Id help my brother if he wasnt total dick to me my whole life, embarrassing me for what i do, laughing at me at school with his friends and basically making my life miserable. We were seeing each other throughtout the years on Christmas,.. at my parents house, we were cool with each other, but they saw me having a good car, living in a great house, vacations with my gf (currently wife) so they knew i had money and they tried to convince me to help my brother out. I always tried to corner it but once i had to stop it and tell them if he had been good to me, id help him but not like this+ im not the one having 3 kids, struggling with money but buying all kinds of useless and unnecessary stuff all the time.

Years passed, they tried many times again but i always declined, and like a half a year ago my brother with his wife found a new job, at least thats what he told me, and he asked me to babysit his children, and i agreed because its not much of a burden for me and i didnt want his children to suffer because of him. We are expecting a child so we thought why not. It was always for 3 days. We were fine with it for a few times but then it also started to ruin our own plans and + cost us a lot of money which i dont care about but its not that im paying for my children, its my brothers children. I told him multiple times, he said i have money so hes not giving me anything so i told him ill stop babysitting his children.

Four days ago he called me hes going to drop his kids in usual time and i told him no. He said too bad and that I will have to take them in because they're leaving in an hour. I hung up and I thought its the end of this. As i feared i got my bell ringed in an hour and three of my brothers kids were there with their backpacks as usual. I called my brother saying we cant take them and i told him we are leaving and they cant be alone. He said i should be grateful that he trusts me and i should be a good brother and he hung up. I got really mad so I called my brother wifes sister (got her number when we were discussing big family dinner a year ago) and told her. She said shes out of state so she cant do anything but i should call her mom so she game me the number (we couldnt leave the kids alone). Mom picked it up, we told her, she said to bring them in so i drove 2,5 hours there and back to get them to their grandma. Kids like her and she was happy but my brother hates his mother in law, like literally, he gets mad every time someone mentions her. I didnt ask why but something bad must have happened, i think she saw hes not a great guy for her daughter because she told me that on the call that she always knew hes not a good guy and her daughter never listens to her and shes blindfolded and he hates her since that. I went home, opened a wine and we had a great evening with my wife.

Next day as expected i got a call from my brother, i didnt pick it up at first but he called me like 5 times in a row and when i picked up, he started screaming at me saying how i dare put his kids to his mother in law, that it’s unacceptable, that im the worst person and hes gonna press charges. He of course didnt because what would he even tell the cops but my parents are mad at me since and called me two times today saying i must apologize to him and take his kids in every time he want. I told them straight no but i know this is not ending well.

AITA for not taking care of his kids and refusing to apologize? I dont want to ruin my family but this is too much.

Update posted 2026-09-29

Hey there, few days ago I posted about my brother leaving his kids (my niece and two nephews) on my front porch for babysitting after i specifically told him not to, you can find it in this group. I saw a lot of people here doing updates so I wll do mine too.

First of all I appreciate every one of you guys who commented, supported me and telling me what I should do. There were some people telling me im the AH but lot of you backed me up which im very grateful for. I took some of your advice and ill talk about them here.

My parents called me each day about me having to apologize to my brother and his wife. I want to say that im okay with my brothers wife. She asked me multiple times before if its really okay to put the kids to our place and ect. so my brother is the one to blame. After some discussion with my wife, we called her asking her how she feels like because her mom (brothers mother in law) told us she is unwillingly in this whole situation. We explained to her what and how happened and she started crying and saying she is sorry. She also said my brother told her that everything is okay with us babysitting and that she didnt know what was happening. She was mad at us at first because we put the kids to her moms and my brother was really mad and passed it on her but we explained to her why we did what we did and she said it was best and thanked us. She also tried to send me the money for the gas but i told her it doesnt matter that im glad she understands and she could try and talk to her husband.

My brother on the other hand threatened me two times after the latest post (the post didnt get to him, thankfully). He was saying hes gonna make my life hell if i dont apologize, tell everyone im the one in wrong and pay him the gas he used for driving there and back to his mother in law + some cash for his time. I told him if he wants to do it this way, then im going to call CPS and press charges for threatening. He left me alone after that but i have a bad feeling about it. He also called his mother in law saying a lot of bad words to her, we talked on a phone later. He also texted my wife something like she better talk to me.

Someone commented saying I should buy my brothers mother in law flowers. I ordered her a pretty good wine and a bucket of flowers and we are on a pretty good terms :)

Lot of you said I should cut the contact with my family. The thing is, i dint want to cut the whole contact because i still like them. Theyre just blindfolded by my brother but if they keep pushing me, then ill have no choice. They told me if i dont do it i wont be invited to a next family dinner. I mean, id rather go to a dinner with my wifes mom, my mother in law, then sitting at a table with people BSing me. Then you asked why i didnt put the kids to my parents house. 1. They were out of state and still are 2. My brother asked them before but my mom said she is really happy not having to keep an eye on small kids anymore and shed be okay with it for a few days but not this often so she told him straight up no.

We are also considering moving somewhere further so nothing like this happens again. We are expecting a child in around 4 months and i really dont want my wife stressing about something like this. I also need to say I feel really bad about my nephews and niece and i really dont want them to feel bad about those things. Thats also why i didnt call cps right away. Theyre young and this could hurt them. I like them, theyre good kids and they dont deserve this and especially they dont deserve to feel like they dont belong anywhere.

Thats it for now. I might do another update in the future, depends on what happens. Thanks again for everyone who helped me and told me im not wrong in this. Take care guys!